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[@fesshole](/creator/twitter/fesshole)
"I'm being crushed by the unexpected weight of responsibility for naming our soon to arrive first born. We're supposed to write a list each but all I have on mine is Super Hans and Bobson Dugnutt"  
![@fesshole Avatar](https://lunarcrush.com/gi/w:16/cr:twitter::1007749631818821638.png) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1942620953525043226) 2025-07-08 16:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 160.5K engagements


"I email random strangers who are in positions of power with my unfiltered thoughts on their ability to bring change to those who aren't in that position. Occasionally it works and brings institutional change. If you have strong feelings you should try it"  
![@fesshole Avatar](https://lunarcrush.com/gi/w:16/cr:twitter::1007749631818821638.png) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1942907849849409797) 2025-07-09 11:25:03 UTC 1.1M followers, 128.9K engagements


"When I was homeless I pretended to be a mental nutcase so I'd get sectioned. Got a free roof over my head three meals a day and unlimited showers"  
![@fesshole Avatar](https://lunarcrush.com/gi/w:16/cr:twitter::1007749631818821638.png) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1942922950220390809) 2025-07-09 12:25:03 UTC 1.1M followers, 282K engagements


"Fed up being the only person who empties the bins and clears the recycling from the bathroom. Refusing to do it now. Our bedroom bin is overflowing and we're up to about X loo roll tubes in the bathroom so far. I'm not giving in. Someone else can deal with it for a change"  
![@fesshole Avatar](https://lunarcrush.com/gi/w:16/cr:twitter::1007749631818821638.png) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1940809021813895345) 2025-07-03 16:25:03 UTC 1.1M followers, 182.9K engagements


"In Marks. A mum was shouting at a worker for no reason. Her kid was a few feet away singing under his breath badly. Told the kid I was a music teacher and he was great but needed to be louder. He was so happy. And loud. Feel terrible I manipulated him to annoy his mum"  
![@fesshole Avatar](https://lunarcrush.com/gi/w:16/cr:twitter::1007749631818821638.png) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1943964810682552727) 2025-07-12 09:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 164.1K engagements


"Boss in a former job wanted to make me redundant. I half-jokingly said "okay but I know about you cheating on your wife". Before I could say "just kidding" the colour drained from his face. I wasn't made redundant"  
![@fesshole Avatar](https://lunarcrush.com/gi/w:16/cr:twitter::1007749631818821638.png) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1943995014075257315) 2025-07-12 11:25:03 UTC 1.1M followers, 769.8K engagements


"Was getting the tube back from a fancy dress party. 6am hadn't slept was dressed as a Catholic priest. Woman came up to me and asked me to pray for her. Muttered some made up Latin. Think I got away with it"  
![@fesshole Avatar](https://lunarcrush.com/gi/w:16/cr:twitter::1007749631818821638.png) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1945399259878027472) 2025-07-16 08:25:01 UTC 1.1M followers, 211.2K engagements


"I'm an inflight manager for a big airline. When passengers bring chocolates for the crew in hope of an upgrade. I don't upgrade and take the chocolates home. Don't even share with the crew. Thanks"  
![@fesshole Avatar](https://lunarcrush.com/gi/w:16/cr:twitter::1007749631818821638.png) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1944010107299176510) 2025-07-12 12:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 144.8K engagements


"When I was around XX my friends and I went down to our airport to watch a hijacked plane that was sitting on the runway. There were lots of people watching and vans selling ice creams kebabs etc. We saw a passenger's body dumped out the door. I'm still ashamed"  
![@fesshole Avatar](https://lunarcrush.com/gi/w:16/cr:twitter::1007749631818821638.png) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1942122669618364577) 2025-07-07 07:25:01 UTC 1.1M followers, 257K engagements


"When I was in my early teens I read "Are you there God It's me Margaret" by Judy Blume. I misunderstood the part about how touching her 'special place' helped Margaret relax and sleep - so I was running my finger over a knot in my bedroom door frame before bed each night"  
![@fesshole Avatar](https://lunarcrush.com/gi/w:16/cr:twitter::1007749631818821638.png) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1941126104388972791) 2025-07-04 13:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 233K engagements


"I'm Romanian some years ago I went on a date with a guy who did nothing but complain about foreigners "but it's okay because you're one of the good ones." Deliberately put him on the wrong tram home for being a racist twat"  
![@fesshole Avatar](https://lunarcrush.com/gi/w:16/cr:twitter::1007749631818821638.png) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1942485057173602534) 2025-07-08 07:25:01 UTC 1.1M followers, 196.8K engagements


"Not alcoholic just like beer as much as the next man/woman. However have developed an inordinate fondness for having a beer on the dog walk. Think it's partly managing to sneak a can out the house but there's nothing so grand as walking the golf course at dusk enjoying a beer"  
![@fesshole Avatar](https://lunarcrush.com/gi/w:16/cr:twitter::1007749631818821638.png) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1944296999752229333) 2025-07-13 07:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 305K engagements


"I've got human remains in my shed. It's bits of a skeleton my grandad had as a medical student in the 1930s. I need to get rid of it but where I can't take it down the tip without looking like Fred West"  
![@fesshole Avatar](https://lunarcrush.com/gi/w:16/cr:twitter::1007749631818821638.png) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1942681353692025213) 2025-07-08 20:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 480.1K engagements


"20 years ago I arrived at Glastonbury on a Wednesday but didn't go for a dump until the Sunday afternoon. I used one of the long drops and got splash back because it was so weighty. Still haunts me"  
![@fesshole Avatar](https://lunarcrush.com/gi/w:16/cr:twitter::1007749631818821638.png) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1941548892199194819) 2025-07-05 17:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 168.1K engagements


"My ex-girlfriend offered me a threesome but I turned it down because I didn't fancy her friend Lauren. But she didn't mean *that* Lauren. She meant another Lauren. Other Lauren was absolutely beautiful. I think about this mistake most days. It haunts me"  
![@fesshole Avatar](https://lunarcrush.com/gi/w:16/cr:twitter::1007749631818821638.png) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1940869412552138779) 2025-07-03 20:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 321.2K engagements


"I've worked on checkouts most of my adult life. I found out early on that if a barcode doesn't scan the easiest way to deal with that is just to pretend it did and carry on. I've probably cost my employers hundreds over the years"  
![@fesshole Avatar](https://lunarcrush.com/gi/w:16/cr:twitter::1007749631818821638.png) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1938876281011019974) 2025-06-28 08:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 281.1K engagements


"After an unsatisfying sex life for years I finally decided to cheat on my wife. Booked a fancy hotel on a work trip and joined loads of hookup sites. After five hours of being blanked I realised I'm not attractive anymore ordered room service and watched a porno. Wasn't so bad"  
![@fesshole Avatar](https://lunarcrush.com/gi/w:16/cr:twitter::1007749631818821638.png) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1940401330037612928) 2025-07-02 13:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 270K engagements


"When I was XX i was the obsessed with the Sims X. I made a save where it was me and my mum living in a house. Being oblivious to the implications I showed my dad the house I built and the children we had together in the game. I still find it hard to live with myself"  
![@fesshole Avatar](https://lunarcrush.com/gi/w:16/cr:twitter::1007749631818821638.png) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1945097271722353037) 2025-07-15 12:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 369.9K engagements


"I have a small skin blemish below my eye that's always bothered me. Been saving up for years to get plastic surgery. Looked in the mirror the other day and realised that my face has become so old and haggard that it barely notices anymore. Spent the money on a holiday instead"  
![@fesshole Avatar](https://lunarcrush.com/gi/w:16/cr:twitter::1007749631818821638.png) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1941579088424005951) 2025-07-05 19:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 155.9K engagements


"My wife's gone away for a fortnight in the sun so I've decided to re-pave my patio; it'll give the neighbours something to talk about. Nosey cunts"  
![@fesshole Avatar](https://lunarcrush.com/gi/w:16/cr:twitter::1007749631818821638.png) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1942243472641056811) 2025-07-07 15:25:03 UTC 1.1M followers, 301.9K engagements


"Any time I find myself straining whilst taking a shit I act out in my head a scene from the Exorcist movie and shout "I CAST YOU OUT UNCLEAN SPIRIT" I've been doing this for over XX years and if I'm crimping off a bum cigar in a public toilet I'll whisper the line quietly"  
![@fesshole Avatar](https://lunarcrush.com/gi/w:16/cr:twitter::1007749631818821638.png) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1940824113355935764) 2025-07-03 17:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 140.5K engagements


"I was riding my bike recently when a driver passed me too close and almost knocked me off. I waved my fist and he screeched to a halt and got out holding a baseball bat. I showed him the end of what I had up my sleeve and he drove off. Never been so glad to have my pump fall off"  
![@fesshole Avatar](https://lunarcrush.com/gi/w:16/cr:twitter::1007749631818821638.png) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1943768514944209112) 2025-07-11 20:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 255.7K engagements


"I was nervous about doing a presentation in work. So I went the pub at lunch & had a few pints to calm the nerves. I then smashed the presentation. I was confident & funny. Problem is i've been asked to repeat it for all our branches & I'm concerned I'll turn into an alcoholic"  
![@fesshole Avatar](https://lunarcrush.com/gi/w:16/cr:twitter::1007749631818821638.png) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1942696453089947973) 2025-07-08 21:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 330.3K engagements


"Told work my Dad had died so I could stay home and binge watch Stranger Things season X few days later went back to work and they told me I could have X weeks off with full pay including the day of the funeral Dad's fine"  
![@fesshole Avatar](https://lunarcrush.com/gi/w:16/cr:twitter::1007749631818821638.png) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1941171414993674719) 2025-07-04 16:25:05 UTC 1.1M followers, 208.5K engagements


"A fly flew into our car when I was a kid in Cheshire and I didn't let it out until we got to Devon. And I always wondered if it felt lost and knew it was somewhere new I still think about that fly and I'm now XX years old"  
![@fesshole Avatar](https://lunarcrush.com/gi/w:16/cr:twitter::1007749631818821638.png) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1943421226161930585) 2025-07-10 21:25:01 UTC 1.1M followers, 226.1K engagements


"Inspired by Richard Herring I have been shoplifting Pick'n'Mix sweeties for a decade now. Like him I've never been caught. You can get away with all sorts of nonsense as a late middle aged white man"  
![@fesshole Avatar](https://lunarcrush.com/gi/w:16/cr:twitter::1007749631818821638.png) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1943602420589748629) 2025-07-11 09:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 106.5K engagements


"Every X months I visit my chiropractor who pummels me for XX minutes after which he asks me if I feel better. I never do but lie and say yes then pay him XX. Sometimes I actually feel in worse physical shape afterwards"  
![@fesshole Avatar](https://lunarcrush.com/gi/w:16/cr:twitter::1007749631818821638.png) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1904238040995819696) 2025-03-24 18:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 309.2K engagements


"My finance and I wanted the church to play Zadok the Priest on our wedding day. I asked my best man to arrange it. Seems he got confused and we ended up walking down the aisle to Zorba the Greek. I privately thought I was an improvement"  
![@fesshole Avatar](https://lunarcrush.com/gi/w:16/cr:twitter::1007749631818821638.png) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1945852245024641528) 2025-07-17 14:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 167.2K engagements


"I threw all my dad's Oasis albums in the bin because if I had to listen to Champagne Supernova one more time I'd have been committed"  
![@fesshole Avatar](https://lunarcrush.com/gi/w:16/cr:twitter::1007749631818821638.png) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1946320330382860487) 2025-07-18 21:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 133.7K engagements


"My wife makes me and the kids be vegetarian. When she is away at one of her 'Pilates' retreats. I make sure some of Tesco finest are in the fridge. If she is allowed to cheat with a meaty sausage then so are we"  
![@fesshole Avatar](https://lunarcrush.com/gi/w:16/cr:twitter::1007749631818821638.png) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1941926378602942732) 2025-07-06 18:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 420.6K engagements


"We used to hang around in "teen chat" websites with feminine-sounding handles and wait for creepy men to message us. We'd lead them on and eventually paste in some text making it look like the authorities were en route"  
![@fesshole Avatar](https://lunarcrush.com/gi/w:16/cr:twitter::1007749631818821638.png) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1946124037832200581) 2025-07-18 08:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 101.8K engagements


"Send sexy texts to blokes for extra cash. We're slowly getting phased out by AI. I'm going to miss the money from my little side hustle"  
![@fesshole Avatar](https://lunarcrush.com/gi/w:16/cr:twitter::1007749631818821638.png) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1941518689792143432) 2025-07-05 15:25:01 UTC 1.1M followers, 163.2K engagements


"My husband has shaved his head in solidarity with me as I go through cancer treatment. However had he actually listened to the doctor at my last appointment he'd know that my hair probably won't fall out and he looks like an egg for no reason"  
![@fesshole Avatar](https://lunarcrush.com/gi/w:16/cr:twitter::1007749631818821638.png) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1941458293504786906) 2025-07-05 11:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 361.2K engagements


"I told my late best friend's wife what song he wanted playing at his funeral. It wasn't his song it was mine. Just thought what an opportunity for a trial run"  
![@fesshole Avatar](https://lunarcrush.com/gi/w:16/cr:twitter::1007749631818821638.png) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1946607220759658638) 2025-07-19 16:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 56.8K engagements


"I work in Comms and my strength has always been writing which I love. Everyone in the team uses AI for it now which I resisted so I'm getting a rep for not wanting to move with the times. I've been gently told to start using it so I did today. I'm only XX and it saps my soul"  
![@fesshole Avatar](https://lunarcrush.com/gi/w:16/cr:twitter::1007749631818821638.png) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1941760283162083373) 2025-07-06 07:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 233.5K engagements


"I'm the Chief of Cybersecurity for a major global company. The CEO a man who is married to a woman & has a family doesn't seem to realise that as Cybersecurity Chief I can see what everyone is doing on company computers. Like regularly visiting the gay porn section of PornHub"  
![@fesshole Avatar](https://lunarcrush.com/gi/w:16/cr:twitter::1007749631818821638.png) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1941412996120515034) 2025-07-05 08:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 218.8K engagements


"Seen a few posts here about men "power hosing" stains off the toilet with their piss. I remember those days but now at XX I have a strong feeling that if I tried this with the added pressure I'd end up shitting myself"  
![@fesshole Avatar](https://lunarcrush.com/gi/w:16/cr:twitter::1007749631818821638.png) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1943617519228424690) 2025-07-11 10:25:01 UTC 1.1M followers, 152.3K engagements


"I'm an middle-aged man. I've joined Wetherspoons facebook groups with a fake account pretending to be an attractive young woman so I get sent lots of free drinks"  
![@fesshole Avatar](https://lunarcrush.com/gi/w:16/cr:twitter::1007749631818821638.png) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1939344365349945638) 2025-06-29 15:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 1.3M engagements


"Having five siblings means I also have a few nieces and nephews. On Christmases and birthdays I deliberately buy noisy annoying toys for the kids I don't like just to piss of my siblings"  
![@fesshole Avatar](https://lunarcrush.com/gi/w:16/cr:twitter::1007749631818821638.png) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1942892750090776989) 2025-07-09 10:25:03 UTC 1.1M followers, 105.9K engagements


"I sometimes buy a peperami and chew the plastic sleeve as a savoury chewing gum"  
![@fesshole Avatar](https://lunarcrush.com/gi/w:16/cr:twitter::1007749631818821638.png) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1945384160324968549) 2025-07-16 07:25:01 UTC 1.1M followers, 102.7K engagements


"I see a lot of CVs and cover letters in my job. It gives me great satisfaction to reject applicants who are blatantly using AI to write it for them"  
![@fesshole Avatar](https://lunarcrush.com/gi/w:16/cr:twitter::1007749631818821638.png) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1946577020051128733) 2025-07-19 14:25:01 UTC 1.1M followers, 64.7K engagements


"When someone I know has a baby I like to find the highest-ranking Nazi who shares their new bundle of joy's birthday and casually inform the parents"  
![@fesshole Avatar](https://lunarcrush.com/gi/w:16/cr:twitter::1007749631818821638.png) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1940356036273041814) 2025-07-02 10:25:03 UTC 1.1M followers, 291.7K engagements


"I buy packets of wild flower seeds and sprinkle them in public places where they'll grow. I know it's a bit naughty but I feel that the flowers thar aren't domesticated need a chance too"  
![@fesshole Avatar](https://lunarcrush.com/gi/w:16/cr:twitter::1007749631818821638.png) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1944855680113942605) 2025-07-14 20:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 177K engagements


"If my wife smells ciggy smoke in our house she smiles & says "hi Grandad" as she thinks it's him visiting from the afterlife as he was a chain smoker. She doesn't know it's me sneaking out for a cig in the garden. Although I quit years ago I occasionally have one if I'm stressed"  
![@fesshole Avatar](https://lunarcrush.com/gi/w:16/cr:twitter::1007749631818821638.png) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1941850887460184355) 2025-07-06 13:25:04 UTC 1.1M followers, 279.2K engagements


"Cocky boss sent an email to the everyone with a code breaking puzzle in it saying anyone who can solve it can have a month off work at his villa. Nobody could solve it & he was confidently cocky nobody would. I fed the code to ChatGPT & won the month off much to his annoyance"  
![@fesshole Avatar](https://lunarcrush.com/gi/w:16/cr:twitter::1007749631818821638.png) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1944100706681577855) 2025-07-12 18:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 598.9K engagements


"Dripped acid before meeting friends at Legoland. Thought I arrived first called them 'this is amazing everything is made of bricks flowers people even the bins'. They asked where I was in the park. I was in the car park"  
![@fesshole Avatar](https://lunarcrush.com/gi/w:16/cr:twitter::1007749631818821638.png) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1945957942336864747) 2025-07-17 21:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 167.6K engagements


"I hate getting presents. Admittedly I'm a hard person to buy for but that's because I just don't want more things"  
![@fesshole Avatar](https://lunarcrush.com/gi/w:16/cr:twitter::1007749631818821638.png) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1943753416561373525) 2025-07-11 19:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 126.9K engagements


"Imagine if Fesshole ran out of confessions. Prevent it by sharing yours here:"  
![@fesshole Avatar](https://lunarcrush.com/gi/w:16/cr:twitter::1007749631818821638.png) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1943988715417702472) 2025-07-12 11:00:01 UTC 1.1M followers, 81K engagements


"Every time I get caught without a ticket on public transport I give my ex's name and address. I ended up paying for every date anyway let him lose some money now"  
![@fesshole Avatar](https://lunarcrush.com/gi/w:16/cr:twitter::1007749631818821638.png) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1941503591161692419) 2025-07-05 14:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 166.1K engagements


"Broke up with a guy because he kept going on about the cereal cafe that opened up then when we finally went he ordered Frosties"  
![@fesshole Avatar](https://lunarcrush.com/gi/w:16/cr:twitter::1007749631818821638.png) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1944734890416648415) 2025-07-14 12:25:03 UTC 1.1M followers, 252.5K engagements


"Sitting in my local Greggs with a sarnie and coffee there's always entertainment to be had in counting the number of thieves who openly nick their lunch and stroll out. The staff don't give a fuck"  
![@fesshole Avatar](https://lunarcrush.com/gi/w:16/cr:twitter::1007749631818821638.png) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1941775383889637436) 2025-07-06 08:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 177.7K engagements


"Recently had a new carpet fitted by a professional carpet fitter. I took all of the off cuts back that the carpenter was going to throw away. Am I ever going to need or use them Probably not. But the carpet guy can fuck off if he thinks he's having them for free. I paid for it"  
![@fesshole Avatar](https://lunarcrush.com/gi/w:16/cr:twitter::1007749631818821638.png) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1944885878314160594) 2025-07-14 22:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 168.9K engagements


"My partner has a few thousand followers on Insta but isn't any sort of influencer. Often they'll put a story talking to the camera like "hi guys update from me" and then waffle on about themselves for an hour like a celeb. Have to be supportive but it's unbearable cringe & I hate it"  
![@fesshole Avatar](https://lunarcrush.com/gi/w:16/cr:twitter::1007749631818821638.png) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1946108936689430845) 2025-07-18 07:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 373.5K engagements


"Went on a business trip to Scotland a while ago. When I got there I called my wife from the hotel room to ask her if Orinj our cat was missing. She said yes & our daughter is looking for her. I said don't bother here's here in Scotland with me. The dumbarse got into my bag"  
![@fesshole Avatar](https://lunarcrush.com/gi/w:16/cr:twitter::1007749631818821638.png) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1938604489516167269) 2025-06-27 14:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 2M engagements


"Went to dentist recently and they x-rayed my teeth for the first time. For some reason I was happy because now I can be identified should authorities need to if I die in gruesome circumstances"  
![@fesshole Avatar](https://lunarcrush.com/gi/w:16/cr:twitter::1007749631818821638.png) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1943677928698417256) 2025-07-11 14:25:04 UTC 1.1M followers, 109.5K engagements


"My GF thinks I really love our plants because I always offer to water them. Really it's because they're too close to my expensive TV and I don't trust her not to pour water on it as well as them"  
![@fesshole Avatar](https://lunarcrush.com/gi/w:16/cr:twitter::1007749631818821638.png) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1943723218822406424) 2025-07-11 17:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 105.7K engagements


"Son is football mad. Obsessed with turning pro. However he's objectively one of the shittest players I've ever seen and at some point in next year I need to have a talk with him about school and his future career path. Until then I'll keep acting as if he's Pele reincarnated"  
![@fesshole Avatar](https://lunarcrush.com/gi/w:16/cr:twitter::1007749631818821638.png) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1942560555077660896) 2025-07-08 12:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 1.1M engagements


"First visit to the local pub in a new area I was discreetly informed not to sit in a regular's "spot". I deliberately sit in it every single time I see it open & enjoy his passive aggressive stares. He doesn't own it. If he'd like to try & tell me he does he can do it himself"  
![@fesshole Avatar](https://lunarcrush.com/gi/w:16/cr:twitter::1007749631818821638.png) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1946229734498582848) 2025-07-18 15:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 408.4K engagements


"At work I'm the only one who drinks coffee - everyone else tea. When I do a round I make sure to stir my least favourite persons tea first right after stirring my coffee so that it tastes wank. Petty revenge at its finest"  
![@fesshole Avatar](https://lunarcrush.com/gi/w:16/cr:twitter::1007749631818821638.png) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1941035508030726494) 2025-07-04 07:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 123.1K engagements


"Must be getting old. Had an unexpected free evening with no wife and kids in the house and instead of settling in for a wank I spent it sharpening my kitchen knives"  
![@fesshole Avatar](https://lunarcrush.com/gi/w:16/cr:twitter::1007749631818821638.png) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1944115803181236505) 2025-07-12 19:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 162.4K engagements


"Ran out of moisturiser. Used a bit of butter instead and people remarked that I smelled nice. I don't want to publicly admit to using Kerrygold on my face because I think people will get snobby. But I'm going to keep using it at night because I love the stuff"  
![@fesshole Avatar](https://lunarcrush.com/gi/w:16/cr:twitter::1007749631818821638.png) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1941594188383994225) 2025-07-05 20:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 169.3K engagements


"In a nightclub toilet cubicle with a mate chopping one out. Door comes flying off it's hinges and giant apoplectic bouncer screams WTF ARE YOU DOING Quick as a flash i retort in my absolute campest: What does it look like big boy Bouncers spins on heels in disgust and goes"  
![@fesshole Avatar](https://lunarcrush.com/gi/w:16/cr:twitter::1007749631818821638.png) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1945520057443922167) 2025-07-16 16:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 381.2K engagements


"If I find myself with a shy bladder in a public loo I silently recite the poem "Zen & the Art of Going to the Lavatory" seen in the graphics of the TV series "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy". Never fails to unblock me. Thanks Douglas"  
![@fesshole Avatar](https://lunarcrush.com/gi/w:16/cr:twitter::1007749631818821638.png) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1944130903736713712) 2025-07-12 20:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 126.4K engagements


"When I get breakfast from a popular fast food outlet I order a cheese and egg muffin and a sausage and egg muffin so they don't think they're are both for me"  
![@fesshole Avatar](https://lunarcrush.com/gi/w:16/cr:twitter::1007749631818821638.png) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1944357398224761328) 2025-07-13 11:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 133.1K engagements


"My wife got drunk last night. Unrelated to this we had a huge row. I knew she wouldn't remember it today. I had to look at her phone this morning to turn her alarm off & saw she'd sent herself a message reminding herself about the row. I deleted the message before she woke up"  
![@fesshole Avatar](https://lunarcrush.com/gi/w:16/cr:twitter::1007749631818821638.png) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1945912642771525759) 2025-07-17 18:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 324.3K engagements


"Both my brother and sister got caught shoplifting as kids. I was therefore seen as the morally superior one. Truth is I was a much better thief than them - took loads and never got caught"  
![@fesshole Avatar](https://lunarcrush.com/gi/w:16/cr:twitter::1007749631818821638.png) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1944447993572118875) 2025-07-13 17:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 145K engagements


"Back in the day I got so sick of my misogynist coworker flaunting his daily "Not For Girls" Yorkie bar that I stole it ate it and replaced it with a KitKat Chunky in the wrapper. The look of horror when he opened it was worth every second I spent working with that prick"  
![@fesshole Avatar](https://lunarcrush.com/gi/w:16/cr:twitter::1007749631818821638.png) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1940778822837714993) 2025-07-03 14:25:03 UTC 1.1M followers, 186.1K engagements


"I regularly buy a dozen bottles of Badger Ale and X packs of mushrooms at my local supermarket. I put them on the conveyor belt in that order hoping the cashier will burst into song as they put them through the till but they never do"  
![@fesshole Avatar](https://lunarcrush.com/gi/w:16/cr:twitter::1007749631818821638.png) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1941156310151573624) 2025-07-04 15:25:03 UTC 1.1M followers, 537.6K engagements


"English is my first language and I've finished all the lessons to be had on the language I wanted to learn on Duo lingo. I still do a lesson a day in English to keep my streak going. I don't really want to but I don't want to lose my streak"  
![@fesshole Avatar](https://lunarcrush.com/gi/w:16/cr:twitter::1007749631818821638.png) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1944478193257202103) 2025-07-13 19:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 124.8K engagements


"Got something to admit Head here to fess up:"  
![@fesshole Avatar](https://lunarcrush.com/gi/w:16/cr:twitter::1007749631818821638.png) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1945438266443829483) 2025-07-16 11:00:01 UTC 1.1M followers, 72.8K engagements


"Having moved to a sleepy English village I joined the local amateur dramatics group to make friends and meet new people. At XX I'm the youngest by XX years. They're biggest gang of coke fiends I've ever met. I was genuinely shocked"  
![@fesshole Avatar](https://lunarcrush.com/gi/w:16/cr:twitter::1007749631818821638.png) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1942590754695635146) 2025-07-08 14:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 367.7K engagements


"Was seeing a much younger woman. Predictable story: Gym personal trainer her now having his baby. Never saw it nor him for that matter coming. Complete shock. I'm paid a fortune to manage future risk for a global organisation. I feel a total fraud and that I should resign"  
![@fesshole Avatar](https://lunarcrush.com/gi/w:16/cr:twitter::1007749631818821638.png) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1946259932925317599) 2025-07-18 17:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 177.2K engagements


"There are not enough public toilets. I once had to pee in my trousers and then get on a train smelling like a tramp because getting my penis out could have made me a sex criminal"  
![@fesshole Avatar](https://lunarcrush.com/gi/w:16/cr:twitter::1007749631818821638.png) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1942666254080217523) 2025-07-08 19:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 190.8K engagements


"My ex once described my manhood as 'like a penis just smaller' something I laughed off at the time but XX years on and it still lives rent free in my head. Well played Jenn well played"  
![@fesshole Avatar](https://lunarcrush.com/gi/w:16/cr:twitter::1007749631818821638.png) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1945942843341615520) 2025-07-17 20:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 241.8K engagements


"When interviewing candidates for an IT support job in the 2010s I used to ask which member of The A Team they would be and why. If anyone said Face they were automatically ruled out of the role. Face is a dick"  
![@fesshole Avatar](https://lunarcrush.com/gi/w:16/cr:twitter::1007749631818821638.png) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1944070504689647708) 2025-07-12 16:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 139.1K engagements


"I prefer the microwave for making tea. I put the tea in a mug of cold water and microwave everything until boiling. I have a kettle on the kitchen counter to allay suspicion but the kettle has not worked since 2011"  
![@fesshole Avatar](https://lunarcrush.com/gi/w:16/cr:twitter::1007749631818821638.png) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1941835784857821602) 2025-07-06 12:25:03 UTC 1.1M followers, 160.4K engagements


"I was having my Friday night skinful at home when I let out a silent fart & shit myself sat next to my wife. I managed to get upstairs empty my bowels into the bath wash myself clean the bath get changed & put the shitty clothes on to wash without her realising what I'd done"  
![@fesshole Avatar](https://lunarcrush.com/gi/w:16/cr:twitter::1007749631818821638.png) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1941896178599100812) 2025-07-06 16:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 255.9K engagements


"My GF looks like a famous actress she will get 'recognised' weekly. There's a photo of her in a local restaurant with the staff after we ate there. I must be letting myself go I've started to hear people mutter 'she can't be going out with him' or 'maybe he's just a friend'"  
![@fesshole Avatar](https://lunarcrush.com/gi/w:16/cr:twitter::1007749631818821638.png) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1945202968380248446) 2025-07-15 19:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 197.5K engagements


"Went to the pub for the first time at XX & stayed quite late. The landlord locked the doors at some point & said it's a "lock-in". Not being familiar with what this was I believed I was in a hostage situation & nearly shat myself until one of the other guys explained it to me"  
![@fesshole Avatar](https://lunarcrush.com/gi/w:16/cr:twitter::1007749631818821638.png) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1945776758596243958) 2025-07-17 09:25:04 UTC 1.1M followers, 454.9K engagements


"My cat Muffin loves earwax. She sucks it off my pinky like a weird little bonding ritual. Now she raids the bathroom bin for used cotton buds and sucks them like earwax lollipops. I've created a monster. A deeply affectionate disgusting monster"  
![@fesshole Avatar](https://lunarcrush.com/gi/w:16/cr:twitter::1007749631818821638.png) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1945837146348073441) 2025-07-17 13:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 93K engagements


"My Dad worked at the Royal Mint each year he was presented with the years coins in a case. When I was XX and off on holiday I pillaged a few of those cases spending several collectible pounds on a pack of fags can't bring myself to look at what they might be worth now"  
![@fesshole Avatar](https://lunarcrush.com/gi/w:16/cr:twitter::1007749631818821638.png) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1945973043144081686) 2025-07-17 22:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 122.6K engagements


"Being forced back to the office by our nobbish CEO who believes you're only working if you're in the office. Not bothered by the returning bit; genuinely concerned that I'm going to forget where I am fire up some porn and start knocking one out at my desk"  
![@fesshole Avatar](https://lunarcrush.com/gi/w:16/cr:twitter::1007749631818821638.png) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1945882446974660715) 2025-07-17 16:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 155.6K engagements


"I am a head teacher of English and though I love books and reading I absolutely despise the syllabus I am forced to teach but have to pretend that I agree with it. It's utter utter bollocks; no wonder so many young people hate reading"  
![@fesshole Avatar](https://lunarcrush.com/gi/w:16/cr:twitter::1007749631818821638.png) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1945806959640211530) 2025-07-17 11:25:05 UTC 1.1M followers, 146.6K engagements


"Our new family cat is called Alan. My wife and kids all think i suggested it as a solid/mildly comical name. What they don't know is I secretly named the cat after Alan Rickman in honour to his performance in Die Hard"  
![@fesshole Avatar](https://lunarcrush.com/gi/w:16/cr:twitter::1007749631818821638.png) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1945233167209619887) 2025-07-15 21:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 178.5K engagements


"Every Thursday night I play D&D online with my friends. My wife and daughter leave me to it and don't disturb me. The past couple weeks the game has been cancelled but I've still told them I'm playing so that I get peace and quiet. I love them but everyone needs time alone"  
![@fesshole Avatar](https://lunarcrush.com/gi/w:16/cr:twitter::1007749631818821638.png) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1944146005089300952) 2025-07-12 21:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 148.8K engagements


"I'm always very sharp & specific with what I put in the calendar app on my phone. After an event happened I'll even go back and change the times to something if it differs with as little as XX minutes. I do it so that if time travel becomes a thing I won't bump into my past self"  
![@fesshole Avatar](https://lunarcrush.com/gi/w:16/cr:twitter::1007749631818821638.png) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1943798714725724631) 2025-07-11 22:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 115.4K engagements


"Not my fess but can't really tell anyone else - my uncle was a vicar and confessed to the family on his deathbed that he had lost his faith decades ago and just carried on for the money and job security. Wondered ever since how common this"  
![@fesshole Avatar](https://lunarcrush.com/gi/w:16/cr:twitter::1007749631818821638.png) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1942228367702393038) 2025-07-07 14:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 437.9K engagements


"Just went an entire flight without having airplane mode on. No casualties reported"  
![@fesshole Avatar](https://lunarcrush.com/gi/w:16/cr:twitter::1007749631818821638.png) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1941428102216704302) 2025-07-05 09:25:04 UTC 1.1M followers, 413.2K engagements


"Read a fess months ago about someone apologising to past lovers for not shampooing their pubic hair. Never knew this was even a thing so thought I would try it. Just got denied head because of the smell and taste of Head & Shoulders downstairs. Can't win"  
![@fesshole Avatar](https://lunarcrush.com/gi/w:16/cr:twitter::1007749631818821638.png) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1944372495953313913) 2025-07-13 12:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 170.7K engagements


"Finance department are being power hungry ego-trip complete twats about spending money even when it's bloomin obvious it's absolutely required. Asa result I have now made it my life's work to legitimately spend as much of the company's money as possible"  
![@fesshole Avatar](https://lunarcrush.com/gi/w:16/cr:twitter::1007749631818821638.png) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1943662823956971948) 2025-07-11 13:25:03 UTC 1.1M followers, 90.3K engagements


"I play a game when going up the escalators that I HAVE to choose one person going the other way to sleep with. I'm a XX year old sweaty man"  
![@fesshole Avatar](https://lunarcrush.com/gi/w:16/cr:twitter::1007749631818821638.png) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1946592120577445952) 2025-07-19 15:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 59.3K engagements


"I had some money issues years ago and asked my bank for a month off from fees but they said no. Once I paid off the account i kept the account open. I transfer 1p in and out once a month and insist on monthly paper statements. It has cost them more in postage than the fees were"  
![@fesshole Avatar](https://lunarcrush.com/gi/w:16/cr:twitter::1007749631818821638.png) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1941820688668479831) 2025-07-06 11:25:04 UTC 1.1M followers, 2.5M engagements


"I'm now called Jeremy B at the office because another Jeremy whose surname begins with the letter 'A' joined us last month. I've been there XX years and the demotion is humiliating"  
![@fesshole Avatar](https://lunarcrush.com/gi/w:16/cr:twitter::1007749631818821638.png) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1945248265299022246) 2025-07-15 22:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 243.6K engagements


"Wife picked our daughter's name when she was born - Saila. I've held it in for XX years until the first time she came home drunk this weekend and I got to sing what shall we do with a drunken sailor at her. Then she threw up on my wife's slippers. It was worth the wait"  
![@fesshole Avatar](https://lunarcrush.com/gi/w:16/cr:twitter::1007749631818821638.png) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1945444563872616864) 2025-07-16 11:25:03 UTC 1.1M followers, 1.3M engagements


"I was milk monitor in 1978. We'd learned about birds breaking through the foil tops to eat the cream. I wheeled the crate of milk into the yard to see if our local birds would do it. They did. The milk was poured away. We all celebrated that day as everyone hated warm milk"  
![@fesshole Avatar](https://lunarcrush.com/gi/w:16/cr:twitter::1007749631818821638.png) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1940446626176188772) 2025-07-02 16:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 120.3K engagements


"Got a villa in Portugal I had decorated based on places I'd seen in porn right down to screenshots that needed to be cropped before I handed them over to the interior designer. Looks amazing / ridiculous but does really well on AirBnB"  
![@fesshole Avatar](https://lunarcrush.com/gi/w:16/cr:twitter::1007749631818821638.png) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1942998446023053347) 2025-07-09 17:25:03 UTC 1.1M followers, 146K engagements


"Got an email from Google that my storage space was XX% full and I should buy more for X a month. Spent the last week deleting XX years of emails files & attachments. I've now got tennis elbow my right thumb is agony but down to X% storage space used - I have defeated Google"  
![@fesshole Avatar](https://lunarcrush.com/gi/w:16/cr:twitter::1007749631818821638.png) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1944342302136090930) 2025-07-13 10:25:03 UTC 1.1M followers, 360.2K engagements


"Have always wanted to piss into a Dyson airblade. Took my chance last night at my friend's 40th birthday drinks. Fair to say I won't be doing it again anytime soon"  
![@fesshole Avatar](https://lunarcrush.com/gi/w:16/cr:twitter::1007749631818821638.png) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1941911279880286507) 2025-07-06 17:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 197.1K engagements


"I was bullied badly at school and the main perpetrator now has a landscape gardening company. Every X months or so I'll have a look on Rightmove for a really big vacant house that's miles away from him and phone him to come over for a quote on a load of work"  
![@fesshole Avatar](https://lunarcrush.com/gi/w:16/cr:twitter::1007749631818821638.png) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1944493291187130505) 2025-07-13 20:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 522.5K engagements


"When digitising VHS horseracing tapes for a lady who's husband is in a care home and wants to watch them on a laptop. She said he watched them late at night. When I began "Racing Year 1988" I was surprised to see the opening titles of "Big Boob Bangeroo 22". Dirty old bugger"  
![@fesshole Avatar](https://lunarcrush.com/gi/w:16/cr:twitter::1007749631818821638.png) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1941488491398881346) 2025-07-05 13:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 182.1K engagements


"Whenever I stay in Airbnb I log onto the wireless router and add a new wireless channel called "Hugh G. Rection". I then change the admin password to lock the router. Always amuses me to see my new wireless network broadcast for all to see. Hope new guests appreciate my work"  
![@fesshole Avatar](https://lunarcrush.com/gi/w:16/cr:twitter::1007749631818821638.png) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1943708118422073850) 2025-07-11 16:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 218.2K engagements


"My wife and I both work from home. Apparently my singing Michael Jackson songs in the style of Alan Partridge is not conducive to her productivity"  
![@fesshole Avatar](https://lunarcrush.com/gi/w:16/cr:twitter::1007749631818821638.png) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1945867345613701509) 2025-07-17 15:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 138.4K engagements


"I'm a supermarket delivery driver by no means am I strong but I can still easily lift up to 40kg. The job is a real eye opener into how weak the public is. Barely able to carry a single tray after I've just carried two especially the ones that look like they go to the gym"  
![@fesshole Avatar](https://lunarcrush.com/gi/w:16/cr:twitter::1007749631818821638.png) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1944870777523708037) 2025-07-14 21:25:01 UTC 1.1M followers, 328.8K engagements


"Every time I get McDonald's for me & the Mrs I get an extra mayo chicken eat it on the drive back home and litter the wrapper out of the car window so there is no evidence. Been doing it for years now"  
![@fesshole Avatar](https://lunarcrush.com/gi/w:16/cr:twitter::1007749631818821638.png) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1945036872247341186) 2025-07-15 08:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 244.8K engagements


"I created an instance for sharing photos on Fediverse. I invited my family to join my instance. No one came. I begged. No answer. I'm going to the lawyer to make a will leaving all my family assets to my partner. I don't want any more contact with my family. This is not a joke"  
![@fesshole Avatar](https://lunarcrush.com/gi/w:16/cr:twitter::1007749631818821638.png) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1943209834121232417) 2025-07-10 07:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 186K engagements


"I have to spend so long finding Father's Day and birthday cards for my dad that don't say words to the effect; "to the best dad ever" it's a sad yearly experience"  
![@fesshole Avatar](https://lunarcrush.com/gi/w:16/cr:twitter::1007749631818821638.png) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1933636757527883960) 2025-06-13 21:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 285.4K engagements


"Cooked for the girlfriend and her family a few years ago. Not a good cook. Found a nice chicken pasta dish online. Did not know the difference between a bulb and clove of garlic. Used two bulbs. House stank for days and I'm banned from cooking ever since. Win"  
![@fesshole Avatar](https://lunarcrush.com/gi/w:16/cr:twitter::1007749631818821638.png) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1946154241241829808) 2025-07-18 10:25:03 UTC 1.1M followers, 156.5K engagements


"The other day I came home drunk and had diarrhea I didn't have time to get to the bathroom and I did it on the way leaving the living room a mess. This morning I said it was the dog we are going to take him to the vet"  
![@fesshole Avatar](https://lunarcrush.com/gi/w:16/cr:twitter::1007749631818821638.png) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1943058840934613399) 2025-07-09 21:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 179.7K engagements


"Picked up a bottle of Coke Zero and put it back again as it had the name of a bloke that my missus shagged before me"  
![@fesshole Avatar](https://lunarcrush.com/gi/w:16/cr:twitter::1007749631818821638.png) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1945746548937150883) 2025-07-17 07:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 168.6K engagements


"I live abroad and there are many things I love when I come home to visit. Fish and chips a collared dove's call apologising profusely. But what I love most is checking my XX yr old dad's Viagra prescription is up to date. Can confirm today that it is. There is hope for me yet"  
![@fesshole Avatar](https://lunarcrush.com/gi/w:16/cr:twitter::1007749631818821638.png) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1943406128932540633) 2025-07-10 20:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 115.2K engagements


"During an innocent ticket mix-up an incredibly obnoxious train ticket inspector accused me of trying a particular ticket dodge that I wasn't aware was possible and which he described in detail. That twazzock has saved me hundreds and hundreds of quid in fares over the years"  
![@fesshole Avatar](https://lunarcrush.com/gi/w:16/cr:twitter::1007749631818821638.png) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1945127477258461326) 2025-07-15 14:25:03 UTC 1.1M followers, 1.6M engagements


"When I was a kid I caught a butterfly and deliberately made sure it got stuck in a big spider web just so that I could watch the spider capture it. It was fascinating. But soon afterwards I regretted murdering an innocent butterfly. XX years on I still regret it. I'm sorry"  
![@fesshole Avatar](https://lunarcrush.com/gi/w:16/cr:twitter::1007749631818821638.png) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1943572221554766301) 2025-07-11 07:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 156K engagements


"I feel like a freeloader who benefits from someone else's effort. My new neighbours have two cats. Both cats patrol my garden and I see them taking mice home in their mouths. I get all the benefit and pay none of the vet bills"  
![@fesshole Avatar](https://lunarcrush.com/gi/w:16/cr:twitter::1007749631818821638.png) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1943587322156437565) 2025-07-11 08:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 102.4K engagements


"I work in "adult entertainment" it's actually really boring. I'm in an admin team and part of my job is managing a spreadsheet of hotels/airbnb's that we've used and which staff/performers have been kicked out of them when caught filming scenes"  
![@fesshole Avatar](https://lunarcrush.com/gi/w:16/cr:twitter::1007749631818821638.png) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1941881082762203612) 2025-07-06 15:25:03 UTC 1.1M followers, 275.5K engagements


"Sometimes I fill the kettle a bit past the "Max" line. It's not actually illegal but at my age it's the closest I'm likely to get to a life of crime"  
![@fesshole Avatar](https://lunarcrush.com/gi/w:16/cr:twitter::1007749631818821638.png) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1946501529613000730) 2025-07-19 09:25:03 UTC 1.1M followers, 75.7K engagements


"I usually follow a controlled calorie diet at home. On holiday now with my husband we're having a 'treat' of X ice cream daily. I've been sneaking out in the morning and evening and I'm averaging about X a day of the big Cornetto XXL ones that we can't get back at home. Worth it"  
![@fesshole Avatar](https://lunarcrush.com/gi/w:16/cr:twitter::1007749631818821638.png) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1943300435374174339) 2025-07-10 13:25:03 UTC 1.1M followers, 120.2K engagements


"Teacher. As I say goodbye to another year of children my fess is that I'm quitting teaching. One child has been held back a year he's the worst child I have ever taught in my XX years of teaching. Simply can't deal with him for another year"  
![@fesshole Avatar](https://lunarcrush.com/gi/w:16/cr:twitter::1007749631818821638.png) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1946214633712353475) 2025-07-18 14:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 305.2K engagements


"Not overweight but noticed that my wife is now regularly giving me the smallest potion when we have our family 'treat" meals. It's that more than our complete lack of physical intimacy for XX years that makes me think it's all coming to an end"  
![@fesshole Avatar](https://lunarcrush.com/gi/w:16/cr:twitter::1007749631818821638.png) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1944327199089119727) 2025-07-13 09:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 253.7K engagements


"My husband always buys me a box of Maltesers every birthday and Christmas because they're my favourite. They're not my favourite. Minstrels are but I don't have the heart to tell him after XX years of marriage"  
![@fesshole Avatar](https://lunarcrush.com/gi/w:16/cr:twitter::1007749631818821638.png) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1945021773277188424) 2025-07-15 07:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 128.7K engagements


"I used to attend the local park run every week but go so fed up listening to people going on about their injuries and new trainers and "shaving off another X seconds" that I gave up. I'm X stone heavier now but happier"  
![@fesshole Avatar](https://lunarcrush.com/gi/w:16/cr:twitter::1007749631818821638.png) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1942847446851125448) 2025-07-09 07:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 133.9K engagements


"I spent 1400 on a Herman Miller Aeron and am regretting it. The quality is no better than a modern XXX chair; the lumbar support isn't sufficient the mesh base is hard and causing pressure pain you can feel where the edges if the injection moulds where on the foam armrests"  
![@fesshole Avatar](https://lunarcrush.com/gi/w:16/cr:twitter::1007749631818821638.png) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1943224932713795915) 2025-07-10 08:25:01 UTC 1.1M followers, 179.4K engagements


"At a narrow bridge I noticed the car flashing me through had an reg ending in LBW. Rather than giving the standard hand raise of thanks I gave an umpire single finger "out" signal. They replied with a X runs arm wave. One of the greatest human interactions of my life"  
![@fesshole Avatar](https://lunarcrush.com/gi/w:16/cr:twitter::1007749631818821638.png) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1937260637266026580) 2025-06-23 21:25:03 UTC 1.1M followers, 911.7K engagements


"Work with a colossal twat at work. Threw me under the bus one time for no reason I didn't get angry just even. Little things - I.e shaking his can of coke when he's not looking to get it all over him hiding his phone/ID round the office when he leaves it at his desk"  
![@fesshole Avatar](https://lunarcrush.com/gi/w:16/cr:twitter::1007749631818821638.png) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1940673120320270549) 2025-07-03 07:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 211.5K engagements


"I've been pissing out of my window for the best part of X years now . My neighbour recently mentioned the moss now beginning to florish beneath it"  
![@fesshole Avatar](https://lunarcrush.com/gi/w:16/cr:twitter::1007749631818821638.png) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1944704691935289766) 2025-07-14 10:25:04 UTC 1.1M followers, 115.7K engagements


"I eat stock cubes. You can't have more than one because they're so salty but they're properly delicious. Don't tell me you've not tried it"  
![@fesshole Avatar](https://lunarcrush.com/gi/w:16/cr:twitter::1007749631818821638.png) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1945535154807574762) 2025-07-16 17:25:01 UTC 1.1M followers, 156.3K engagements


"I'm always one of the last to leave a festival. I collect the abandoned tents. I keep and resell enough to cover most of my costs. I donate some too"  
![@fesshole Avatar](https://lunarcrush.com/gi/w:16/cr:twitter::1007749631818821638.png) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1943315530967887996) 2025-07-10 14:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 303.6K engagements


"When I meet new people I mention that the moon landings were fake. It's a great litmus test for finding out who's going to be a prick if you end up having a difference of opinion later on. Try it - works every time"  
![@fesshole Avatar](https://lunarcrush.com/gi/w:16/cr:twitter::1007749631818821638.png) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1944387600279585017) 2025-07-13 13:25:03 UTC 1.1M followers, 265.5K engagements


"When my partner does the weekly shop I pretend to act all excited about the goodies when unpacking but actually there are no surprises at all because I've already gone through the receipt on the app"  
![@fesshole Avatar](https://lunarcrush.com/gi/w:16/cr:twitter::1007749631818821638.png) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1946169342661419153) 2025-07-18 11:25:04 UTC 1.1M followers, 100.6K engagements


"My husband has his own pissing song he sings on a morning - it goes "pissing in the toilet pissing in the sea pissing in the river pissing is for me" it drives me mad but this morning I found myself humming it"  
![@fesshole Avatar](https://lunarcrush.com/gi/w:16/cr:twitter::1007749631818821638.png) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1933289466761732350) 2025-06-12 22:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 187.4K engagements


"I'm a plumber when working under sinks I often take a spare washing up bottle or bleach bottle with me if there's more than one in the cabinet I see it as a little tip"  
![@fesshole Avatar](https://lunarcrush.com/gi/w:16/cr:twitter::1007749631818821638.png) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1946335430246277200) 2025-07-18 22:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 116.5K engagements


"Went on a date with a guy to a restaurant where we had Sunday Roast. While we were ordering our food he asked for no roast potatoes because he doesn't like them. Who the fuck on this unholy planet doesn't like roast potatoes Dumped afterwards"  
![@fesshole Avatar](https://lunarcrush.com/gi/w:16/cr:twitter::1007749631818821638.png) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1945761648133705947) 2025-07-17 08:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 476.1K engagements


"My mother has dementia and can no longer speak. When I visit I tell her all my deepest darkest secrets safe in the knowledge they'll never be revealed"  
![@fesshole Avatar](https://lunarcrush.com/gi/w:16/cr:twitter::1007749631818821638.png) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1942968242118557973) 2025-07-09 15:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 178.3K engagements


"I listen to "I'm A Ram" by Al Green when I start my X km runs. Perfect tempo to get it done in under XX mins. That's not the fess. I'm having an affair with the cleaner"  
![@fesshole Avatar](https://lunarcrush.com/gi/w:16/cr:twitter::1007749631818821638.png) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1946139142443647108) 2025-07-18 09:25:03 UTC 1.1M followers, 117.8K engagements


"2 kids in the same school. Each subject teacher has two WhatsApp groups for each class: kids and parents and parents only. That's XX groups just for the school. Got myself a Nokia dumb phone. They can send me a photocopied piece of paper"  
![@fesshole Avatar](https://lunarcrush.com/gi/w:16/cr:twitter::1007749631818821638.png) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1946275030360363232) 2025-07-18 18:25:01 UTC 1.1M followers, 132.4K engagements


"On call 1.30am and got yelled at for taking ages to get there. I was there within the hour. He was a grumpy bastard and moaned all the time I was there. 10k piece jigsaw on his table. Fixed his leak walked out with a jigsaw piece in my pocket. He was a twat"  
![@fesshole Avatar](https://lunarcrush.com/gi/w:16/cr:twitter::1007749631818821638.png) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1946561922217746914) 2025-07-19 13:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 142.7K engagements


"I go to London once a fortnight from Sheffield. I tell people it's to meet a new girlfriend. In reality it's to make progress on visiting every tube station. I haven't had a girlfriend for years"  
![@fesshole Avatar](https://lunarcrush.com/gi/w:16/cr:twitter::1007749631818821638.png) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1945142570176086046) 2025-07-15 15:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 311.1K engagements


"I've talked to myself for as long as I can remember. Used to hide it so people wouldn't think I was weird. Now I wear AirPods everywhere and they just assume I'm a workaholic on nonstop calls. Way better than "that unhinged person who won't shut up.""  
![@fesshole Avatar](https://lunarcrush.com/gi/w:16/cr:twitter::1007749631818821638.png) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1946290130764882242) 2025-07-18 19:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 103.7K engagements


"My friends complain that I've changed since I got married. They think my wife has a hold of me and doesn't let me hang out with them as much anymore. This isn't true. I deliberately choose to spend more time with our Springer Spaniel puppy than them"  
![@fesshole Avatar](https://lunarcrush.com/gi/w:16/cr:twitter::1007749631818821638.png) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1942183067092693465) 2025-07-07 11:25:01 UTC 1.1M followers, 177.2K engagements


"I love that my younger sister has been able to get cochlear implants which work for her. She has wanted to be able to hear music and things like the TV animal noises and so on for years. Unfortunately it also means I can no longer call her names while she's in the room"  
![@fesshole Avatar](https://lunarcrush.com/gi/w:16/cr:twitter::1007749631818821638.png) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1939238666032812192) 2025-06-29 08:25:01 UTC 1.1M followers, 129.2K engagements


"My wife never knew her dad but always dreamt of finding him so he could give her away at her wedding. I decided to track him down as a surprise for her. I found him serving life in prison for murder. Decided not to tell her. She still doesn't know. Not sure if I should tell her"  
![@fesshole Avatar](https://lunarcrush.com/gi/w:16/cr:twitter::1007749631818821638.png) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1944523490146611454) 2025-07-13 22:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 530.7K engagements


"When I moved into my new flat for some reason I told the woman next door that I own a home improvement company (I don't). To perpetuate this ongoing lie I sometimes fake loud phone conversations about things like door hinges and moulded wall panelling when she leaves for work"  
![@fesshole Avatar](https://lunarcrush.com/gi/w:16/cr:twitter::1007749631818821638.png) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1941397894822506948) 2025-07-05 07:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 118K engagements


"I am afraid for when self-driving cars become the norm. I'm not scared of the technology. But I have relied on "I'm driving" as my reason for not drinking when going out since I was XX. If my car can drive itself I'm worried about the social pressure to start drinking alcohol"  
![@fesshole Avatar](https://lunarcrush.com/gi/w:16/cr:twitter::1007749631818821638.png) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1940386231046578609) 2025-07-02 12:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 148.3K engagements


"I'm a midwife. We keep a staff room chart of whether curtains match carpets (we also try to predict when they come onto the delivery ward). Probably not surprising number of gingers who bleach or dye their hair - but was shocked by platinum blonde last week who genuinely was"  
![@fesshole Avatar](https://lunarcrush.com/gi/w:16/cr:twitter::1007749631818821638.png) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1943360828868018369) 2025-07-10 17:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 421.5K engagements


"In the 90s I used to go into the local newsagent as a frustrated teen to buy Motor Cycle News every week. Inside I'd stuff a copy of Razzle Escort or Fiesta wave it at the shopkeeper pay the price for the MCN and leave. I'm sorry for the regular theft but needs must"  
![@fesshole Avatar](https://lunarcrush.com/gi/w:16/cr:twitter::1007749631818821638.png) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1944674487347159546) 2025-07-14 08:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 114.2K engagements


"One of the guys in my team is a big conspiracy theorist and has mooted the idea that we are all living in a computer simulation. Whenever we have a Teams call I take my watch on and off several times off camera hoping to convince him that he is seeing a glitch in the matrix"  
![@fesshole Avatar](https://lunarcrush.com/gi/w:16/cr:twitter::1007749631818821638.png) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1941609286984970603) 2025-07-05 21:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 322.1K engagements


"Noticed in remote Teams meetings that a lot of colleagues use custom backgrounds in their camera feeds instead of showing their real house behind them. So I've started using a background photo of my actual home office that's actually behind me"  
![@fesshole Avatar](https://lunarcrush.com/gi/w:16/cr:twitter::1007749631818821638.png) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1944780181240959246) 2025-07-14 15:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 280.3K engagements


"Weekly I have to delete my father-in-law's search history. He's XX & it started with 'hot sex' in the search but it's gotten worse. He's a good man & don't want his legacy ruined"  
![@fesshole Avatar](https://lunarcrush.com/gi/w:16/cr:twitter::1007749631818821638.png) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1939359463778947533) 2025-06-29 16:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 345.6K engagements


"When I was a kid one birthday I asked for a telescope so I could look into space. However most of the time I just used it to watch porn on the TV of the neighbour across the road"  
![@fesshole Avatar](https://lunarcrush.com/gi/w:16/cr:twitter::1007749631818821638.png) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1943949710550605924) 2025-07-12 08:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 117.6K engagements


"My wife's dressmaking scissors are the only things strong enough to cut my toenails. She must never know"  
![@fesshole Avatar](https://lunarcrush.com/gi/w:16/cr:twitter::1007749631818821638.png) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1942877645957423423) 2025-07-09 09:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 125.1K engagements


"I've recently got in touch with my feminine side. I felt an urge to be tidy up the garage and realised that I was in fact nest building. My subconscious feminine side was telling me that it was time for another motorbike. Nature is wonderful"  
![@fesshole Avatar](https://lunarcrush.com/gi/w:16/cr:twitter::1007749631818821638.png) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1941790482599731276) 2025-07-06 09:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 147.5K engagements


"When I was younger i watched an episode of the Simpsons where Homer eats a bunch of tulips. The scene made them look so tasty. So you can guess where this is going I took one out my neighbour's garden & bit the head off it. It tasted disgusting & had an earwig inside"  
![@fesshole Avatar](https://lunarcrush.com/gi/w:16/cr:twitter::1007749631818821638.png) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1943028640960151669) 2025-07-09 19:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 128.5K engagements


"In the woods in 2002 XX years old. Found an empty bag of crisps with a 1992 sell by date. Amazed we imagined the consumer eating them as though in another world. XX years passing just doesn't feel the same now I'm older"  
![@fesshole Avatar](https://lunarcrush.com/gi/w:16/cr:twitter::1007749631818821638.png) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1945580454716776891) 2025-07-16 20:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 124.3K engagements


"The last stag do I went on we went to the strippers. I hate those places. Awful. The music was banging though. I spent the evening on Shazam and now I have new tunes to listen to. Can't tell my wife where I found them even though I was a good boy"  
![@fesshole Avatar](https://lunarcrush.com/gi/w:16/cr:twitter::1007749631818821638.png) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1945474764618838072) 2025-07-16 13:25:03 UTC 1.1M followers, 148.4K engagements


"Interviewed an XX year old lad yesterday who smuggly made a point he was going to the opening night of Oasis at Wembley. He wasn't even a twinkle in his dad's eye during their heyday. I'm not going because of kids like this jumping on the bandwagon so he's not getting the job"  
![@fesshole Avatar](https://lunarcrush.com/gi/w:16/cr:twitter::1007749631818821638.png) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1940461725263765564) 2025-07-02 17:25:01 UTC 1.1M followers, 873.5K engagements


"Mum's been in an urn on the dining room floor for X years. Every birthday and Christmas I chop out a line of her with my coke. It's grief ritual madness. She's getting lighter. So am I"  
![@fesshole Avatar](https://lunarcrush.com/gi/w:16/cr:twitter::1007749631818821638.png) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1945822048627937567) 2025-07-17 12:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 397.9K engagements


"My s/o's parents treat us like kids in our 20's. I secretly love it. They play games with us/do fun activities. My s/o hates it. We had very different childhoods. Mine isn't something fond I look back on. When his parents treat me like a kid I feel important and special again"  
![@fesshole Avatar](https://lunarcrush.com/gi/w:16/cr:twitter::1007749631818821638.png) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1944085605240950995) 2025-07-12 17:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 242.6K engagements


"I am addicted to tracking my parcels. I get more enjoyment out of the tracking than the actual delivery. A prolonged customs clearance is a delight"  
![@fesshole Avatar](https://lunarcrush.com/gi/w:16/cr:twitter::1007749631818821638.png) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1940763717823504513) 2025-07-03 13:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 121.9K engagements


"I always win the competition to get the last bit of toothpaste out of the tube meaning that the wife is always the one to open a new tube. She is not aware of my secret tube under the basin"  
![@fesshole Avatar](https://lunarcrush.com/gi/w:16/cr:twitter::1007749631818821638.png) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1943783614967149051) 2025-07-11 21:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 118.5K engagements


"I found out my bf was cheating on me so while I was trying to move out one morning I peed in a jug and poured some into his XX bottles of expensive whisky. As far as I know he's still drinking them. My friends and I now call it pissky"  
![@fesshole Avatar](https://lunarcrush.com/gi/w:16/cr:twitter::1007749631818821638.png) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1930375267123392732) 2025-06-04 21:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 289.2K engagements


"If I'm meeting my wife at a public space. I'll walk up to her look confused and say as loudly as I can 'is it Sarah You don't look like your profile picture.'"  
![@fesshole Avatar](https://lunarcrush.com/gi/w:16/cr:twitter::1007749631818821638.png) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1941865980193337416) 2025-07-06 14:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 218.1K engagements


"Middle train in a chain of connections was cancelled so I arrived XX minutes later than my Trainline schedule. Wasn't sure who to submit the Delay Repay claim to do submitted it to all X companies I was due to travel with that day. Bonanza: full amount refunded X times"  
![@fesshole Avatar](https://lunarcrush.com/gi/w:16/cr:twitter::1007749631818821638.png) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1941443200893268106) 2025-07-05 10:25:04 UTC 1.1M followers, 185.3K engagements


"My friend talks all the time about getting an otter won't listen to reason that it's a terrible idea. She can't afford an enclosure and keeps saying it'll be like a cat. There's no convincing her otherwise. It's incredibly frustrating and I'm ready to end the friendship over it"  
![@fesshole Avatar](https://lunarcrush.com/gi/w:16/cr:twitter::1007749631818821638.png) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1946622319692046801) 2025-07-19 17:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 61.9K engagements