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[@fesshole](/creator/twitter/fesshole)
"My boss can't work powerpoint so I do all his presentations for him. It really annoys me that he never gives me credit. On X slide in a recent deck I managed to get the first letter of every sentence to spell out his name followed by 'CUNT'. He didn't notice & sent it out"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1979086233067286529) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) 2025-10-17T07:25Z 1.1M followers, 94K engagements


"I work as a programmer for a very famous far-right newspaper and I've seen that no one knows what they are doing yet they make millions and influence important matters of state. I feel like the train driver at Auschwitz and I can't leave because I need a salary"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1979191933617455581) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) 2025-10-17T14:25Z 1.1M followers, 135K engagements


"We're doing a Fesshole LIVE show in Worthing on the 15th. Do come - also available Liverpool and Leeds + trying out an Anon Opin show in that London"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1975608077992009847) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) 2025-10-07T17:04Z 1.1M followers, 71.5K engagements


"Spent a few quid and too much time transferring a sex tape I made with an old girlfriend to digital. Mostly I'm just happy to see myself in a reasonable physical condition and wish I could shown my wife how good I looked before she met me"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1975900248393281678) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) 2025-10-08T12:25Z 1.1M followers, 120.4K engagements


"Even though I never spoke to them I miss the people who used to be regulars in my gym but one day just disappeared"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1976307930820452700) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) 2025-10-09T15:25Z 1.1M followers, 86K engagements


"Slept with a member of a 00s girl band before they were famous. Can't tell anyone as I was and still am with my husband and straight"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1976911908021158049) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) 2025-10-11T07:25Z 1.1M followers, 342.5K engagements


"Worked at a supermarket. The manager Cath was absolutely vile to me. I called her "Beth" once by mistake and she went absolutely crazy so I kept doing it. She kept threatening disciplinary action but I kept pretending I just forgot her name. I didn't forget Beth"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1977017601801777171) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) 2025-10-11T14:25Z 1.1M followers, 122.2K engagements


"The bin men didn't come until after 8pm last week. This made me realise how boring I am because it was one of the most interesting things that have happened in a while"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1977138396733546566) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) 2025-10-11T22:25Z 1.1M followers, 117.1K engagements


"Sustained a hernia during a particularly strenuous bout of horizontal gymnastics. Claimed the injury had occurred during a subsequent car crash and got 7k compensation for one of the best experiences of my life"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1977364895654879337) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) 2025-10-12T13:25Z 1.1M followers, 143.3K engagements


"I found a hidden jar of Nutella in my house. I'm not saying anything because I'm not sure my if wife is hiding it from the kids or if the kids are hiding it from her"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1977697085991391411) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) 2025-10-13T11:25Z 1.1M followers, 102.1K engagements


"On cold days I sit on the loo seat with my trousers still up for a couple of minutes to warm it up before I actually go"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1977757478763790774) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) 2025-10-13T15:25Z 1.1M followers, 96.2K engagements


"I have an important role for a global corp and am lucky enough to WFH. I enjoy the work/life balance apart from one day a week when my wife also gets to WFH meaning I can't have my scheduled 2pm til 3pm 'Internal meeting' where I actually go to bed and have a kip"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1978557749685309455) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) 2025-10-15T20:25Z 1.1M followers, 120.3K engagements


"Recently attended Tory conference for work hoping to laugh at their sad gloomy faces. But they were all delighted they're so arrogant they genuinely think they're doing well and will win the next election. Infuriating to watch at the time but very funny how delusional they are"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1978723845080006744) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) 2025-10-16T07:25Z 1.1M followers, 118.1K engagements


"My daily challenge is to go on Mail Online find a contentious story and make an inflammatory comment about it to see how many downvotes I can get from the simpletons who read that shitrag. If I have a good day my mailbox overflows with gammons frothing at the mouth in reply"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1978738950903566601) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) 2025-10-16T08:25Z 1.1M followers, 105.3K engagements


"I can make a really good cat impression but it has no use in modern society other than meowing out the kitchen window which brings my frustrated neighbour outside to call their cat in who gets irate when they cant find said cat. I dont know why I started it but I cant stop"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1979101333169824094) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) 2025-10-17T08:25Z 1.1M followers, 81.6K engagements


"I like to scratch my arse and smell my finger. After I've scratched my arse I refer to my finger as a fonger. I don't particularly like the smell. My other half's partial to it though. It's a bad habit but "it's neither heroin frottage nor arson" as my mother used to say"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1979554326872797417) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) 2025-10-18T14:25Z 1.1M followers, 114.1K engagements


"I've come to the realisation that I consume too much true crime content. I can't see a person wheeling a suitcase without my first thought being 'make sure you get a good look at their face you'll be a key witness when that case is discovered dumped somewhere containing a torso'"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1975688847947182111) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) 2025-10-07T22:25Z 1.1M followers, 95.1K engagements


"I have a rule in the house. If my wife or kids leave anything lying around for a few days I bin it. Of course it's only me who knows about the rule. Always get asked where something is. 'I don't know' is always my answer"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1977500785429590501) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) 2025-10-12T22:25Z 1.1M followers, 121.2K engagements


"Both my cars' tyres had punctures last week and my neighbour too. I suspected sabotage by the crazy lady opposite until I realised I had used my leaf blower to blast old screws from my garage floor down the street. Just saw she has a mobile tyre repair van in her driveway"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1978587951366799377) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) 2025-10-15T22:25Z 1.1M followers, 104.7K engagements


"I have a first class law degree speak six languages and have published a book. I cannot understand coffee menus and have no idea how to ask for a simple coffee with milk. It's my most boomer complaint except I was born in 1990"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1978754050129596873) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) 2025-10-16T09:25Z 1.1M followers, 148.8K engagements


"Each day I put my fancy wee metal card holder in my breast pocket I wonder if today is the day it will protect me from a snipers bullet. XX year old lawyer. Still waiting"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1978784244697592212) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) 2025-10-16T11:25Z 1.1M followers, 92.5K engagements


"My wife of XX years has just informed me that she doesn't like tomato soup Who doesn't like tomato soup Should I see a divorce lawyer"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1979946904231321736) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) 2025-10-19T16:25Z 1.1M followers, 106.6K engagements


"I appeared on University Challenge years ago. I didn't actually attend the university in question. I used to take short cuts through the campus and saw the notice for the try outs. Went along for a laugh and made the team. No one ever checked if I was actually a student there"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1976277727398248585) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) 2025-10-09T13:25Z 1.1M followers, 229.4K engagements


"Years ago while working behind the bar at Glasto I served a very drunk celebrity. He couldn't find his wallet so he gave me his Rolex. Weeks later he wrote to the brewery demanding we return his watch. Management investigated but no one knew who he'd given it to. I still have it"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1978950336959123826) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) 2025-10-16T22:25Z 1.1M followers, 1.1M engagements


"My kid usually gets X from tooth fairy. We live in Scotland. We're visiting family near London and she lost a tooth. Gave her XXXX as it includes London weighting. Economics lessons start now"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1979977104344183069) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) 2025-10-19T18:25Z 1.1M followers, 143.3K engagements


"My employer installed an inward-facing camera in my work truck. If I'm in the middle of nowhere and need to pee I open the door step out and do my business where the camera can see me. If they want to watch me they're getting the whole show"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1971264697161732591) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) 2025-09-25T17:25Z 1.1M followers, 99.9K engagements


"I hate almost everything about my husband. I hate sex with him. I hate his voice. I hate his hobbies. But I love our house don't want to lose it and can't be bothered with the upheaval. I know it's wrong but I stay because I'm too lazy to leave"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1973454123166040292) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) 2025-10-01T18:25Z 1.1M followers, 407.7K engagements


"I only recently tried a Cadbury's Fudge bar for the first time. I was always put off them because I thought the lyrics of the song in the advert were "it's full of peppery goodness" and I thought that sounded disgusting"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1974133597708648926) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) 2025-10-03T15:25Z 1.1M followers, 130.5K engagements


"When I was about XX a much older male colleague called me "not marriage material". I'm celebrating my tenth wedding anniversary this week with my absolute gem of a husband. I'd stalk the twat on socials to feel smug but I can't even remember a first name. Unremarkable loser"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1974239296144990249) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) 2025-10-03T22:25Z 1.1M followers, 151.9K engagements


"I used to think I was a cool dad until I was watching the news the other day and realised I had the same haircut as thrice-disgraced political hack Peter Mandelson. Have any other ex-cool dads had a similar experience with a fashion/political grifter faux pas"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1974511086834442502) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) 2025-10-04T16:25Z 1.1M followers, 98K engagements


"Convinced my husband that the correct orgasm ratio was that I get two for each of his. Told him that I'm approaching XX and my sexual peak so the ratio should change to 3:1. It's not that he should have fewer it's just that he needs so much rest after each climax. Poor dear"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1974571484065489379) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) 2025-10-04T20:25Z 1.1M followers, 205.2K engagements


"When the cabin crew go through a safety demo on-board a plane I always stop what I'm doing to give that person my full attention. With a finger on my chin I even nod my approval at the end of each instruction. Nothing is going in of course but I want them to have an audience"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1974586585652908178) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) 2025-10-04T21:25Z 1.1M followers, 145.2K engagements


"As a middle-aged man I am not sure there is anything more depressing than realising your stock of blue pills is out of date"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1974948971865833928) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) 2025-10-05T21:25Z 1.1M followers, 152.2K engagements


"Addicted to sucking water out of my bathing sponge. It's especially good when the sponge has fully dried out and it's slight crisp"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1975160365966069794) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) 2025-10-06T11:25Z 1.1M followers, 97.7K engagements


"The people before us in the Air b'n'b we're currently staying at didn't sign out of their streaming services on the TV. All I can say is Adrian I'm sorry I was left alone and bored. I hope you notice your updated watchlist before your wife does"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1975175469063393462) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) 2025-10-06T12:25Z 1.1M followers, 117.7K engagements


"Downsized to a smaller house. Found a mouse and one day humanely caught it. He was so cute. I ended up feeding and then freeing him. Now he pops up at least once a day to politely ask for food and he trusts me enough to stroke him too. I named him Jerry of course"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1975190570768146437) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) 2025-10-06T13:25Z 1.1M followers, 210.9K engagements


"I had pain in my left thumb going down towards my wrist for years. I solved it easily. I take the dog out late every night and when I pick up his poo I bag it up and squelch it like therapeutic putty. So excited it's winter soon and am looking forward to warm left hand"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1975250961816850859) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) 2025-10-06T17:25Z 1.1M followers, 107.1K engagements


"Grandchildren over for the weekend. I made them their bedtime hot chocolate bit absent-mindedly used coffee. You know what happened next but no one knows why certainly not Nana & I'm only fessing to you lot"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1975507652542124047) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) 2025-10-07T10:25Z 1.1M followers, 185.1K engagements


"I clean my Airpods with my kid's toothbrush"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1975658646093660330) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) 2025-10-07T20:25Z 1.1M followers, 97.5K engagements


"I got set up with a guy who I had no interest in went to the pity date because my plans for that day feel through and well we end up doing it and ended up conceiving and now we have three kids and get married this weekend. Oops"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1975870038847492194) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) 2025-10-08T10:25Z 1.1M followers, 241.3K engagements


"People are amazed that I get so many Christmas cards. I've actually been saving them for years. If they took the time to read them they'd see duplicates of names and cards from people who are dead"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1975885139411403012) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) 2025-10-08T11:25Z 1.1M followers, 82K engagements


"Used to travel with the same three guys monthly for work fancied one of their wives so I "accidently" video called her to talk about their son's first day at new school whilst my colleague talked about his latest escort in the background. This week my stepson turned 16"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1975990837017276846) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) 2025-10-08T18:25Z 1.1M followers, 332.4K engagements


"My cat who never sits on my lap actually sat on my lap this morning. And is still there right now. I had to call in sick to work so he can sit on me as long as he wants"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1976036137090093265) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) 2025-10-08T21:25Z 1.1M followers, 201.4K engagements


"In 1980 me and a friend would spend hours wrapping Sellotape around 10p pieces to mimic 50p. Trim with a razor blade and dip in talc powder. Worked a treat. We emptied fag machines and milked old school slot machines. XX yr old we were like junior cash machines"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1677821122396528643) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) 2023-07-08T23:25Z 1.1M followers, 801.3K engagements


"Not my fess its my Grandad's. He used to work at the BBC in the 70s he stole a bunch of film reels when they were getting thrown out. He refuses to donate them as he's scared he'll get locked up if he does"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1949159037292978460) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) 2025-07-26T17:25Z 1.1M followers, 288.5K engagements


"I was shocked to accidentally discover that my husband is a fan of "scat" porn. But I pride myself on being a try anything once kind of girl so I agreed to participate. I spent XX minutes completely unable to poo while he watched. Very odd way to discover you're constipated"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1973710811764851092) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) 2025-10-02T11:25Z 1.1M followers, 216.6K engagements


"It's my remaining life's goal to be employed but forgotten about. I work in a corporate. I'm so close. I switched teams and have zero meetings or even emails. My manager is hands off to the point of absence. All it will take is for him to leave and I might just get away with it"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1974782885962932592) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) 2025-10-05T10:25Z 1.1M followers, 263K engagements


"In an early sysadmin role I'd been asked to make a large change. No-one had told me to use tabs instead of spaces. One quick regexp managed to break the DNS for several million computers. It was fixed within half an hour but that showed me the power of regular expressions"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1974918771493015837) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) 2025-10-05T19:25Z 1.1M followers, 148.2K engagements


"I like to grow a beard shave it to a goatee then a handlebar moustache then a moustache then a little toothbrush one. The panic that the razor may run out of charge at the end is exhilarating"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1975205665204240603) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) 2025-10-06T14:25Z 1.1M followers, 87.2K engagements


"I found out a way to cheat the self check-out by putting a 5L water bottle down at the same time as a small item. What a victory. However the guilt got to me and I decided to pay for both"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1975220762974847241) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) 2025-10-06T15:25Z 1.1M followers, 125.2K engagements


"Elderly parents living on a pension - also very proud so I signed them up for a bonus card with the nearest supermarket. Every few weeks I put money on it and then they get asked if they'd like to use their balance - they think it's from points they've collected"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1975235864247635994) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) 2025-10-06T16:25Z 1.1M followers, 369.2K engagements


"I buy a new grill pan instead of cleaning the dirty one. My husband thinks I do a great job of scrubbing it up so nice"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1975296258727133555) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) 2025-10-06T20:25Z 1.1M followers, 106.5K engagements


"My neighbours garden was so overgrown with weeds and brambles it was rat infested. Despite complaining he refused to sort it out so I threw a digital alarm right at the back that let off a high pitched beeping every X hours. It forced him to cut the overgrowth away to find it"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1975311358125072621) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) 2025-10-06T21:25Z 1.1M followers, 134.6K engagements


"My wife is not speaking to me because her and her mother walked in on me trying to vacuum a fart directly from source"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1975628447746515424) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) 2025-10-07T18:25Z 1.1M followers, 189.9K engagements


"Once after scratching my bum hole I had a couple of those little worms on my finger. I ate them. I often wonder about their journey back to my ring piece. Quite the adventure I expect. Like Frodo & Sam going to Mordor or something"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1973061536085062131) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) 2025-09-30T16:25Z 1.1M followers, 450.8K engagements


"Been taking my dog on the school run now the mum I fancy has started bringing hers so they can play together. She smiled and see you tomorrow. I know nothing will happen but as a middle aged man existing in a sexless marriage this is the highlight of my year"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1974209094752829832) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) 2025-10-03T20:25Z 1.1M followers, 302.5K engagements


"Since the union and England flags appeared on our streets I've been having to find routes that avoid driving through them or it might look like I agree with them being there. The journeys now have to go illogical but much more pleasant routes"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1974813077112496505) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) 2025-10-05T12:25Z 1.1M followers, 182.4K engagements


"Couple moved in next door. Old bloke lived there before had a beautiful garden. He spent every day in it. New guy ripped out everything & put fake grass in. So I've planted trees next to the boundary that will fill his lawn with dead leaves in the autumn. This one's for you Alf"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1975115072461553736) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) 2025-10-06T08:25Z 1.1M followers, 989.9K engagements


"I'm a middle-aged man and frequently end up staring into the middle distance thinking about fuck all. My wife accuses me of eyeing up other women when I'm doing this outdoors which I have not done. I now suspect I have resting pervert face"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1975824742717194626) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) 2025-10-08T07:25Z 1.1M followers, 108.3K engagements


"I have come to believe that sandwiches are either a butter or mayo delivery system and that if I am wanting to avoid carbs I can just take a spoon of butter and mayo - or both with whatever else I Was going to eat from cheese to corned beef. Sometimes it's just butter and mayo"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1975839840089317625) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) 2025-10-08T08:25Z 1.1M followers, 81.8K engagements


"I think my wife is trying to get me to cheat on her so she can divorce me and try to take everything off me. She's had 'friends' come round for drinks & when she goes to the bathroom they 'come on' to me. I'm not that stupid I'd rather keep what I have now than fall for that"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1975945545815355812) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) 2025-10-08T15:25Z 1.1M followers, 348.2K engagements


"Years ago as a youth coming home after a party I put my used clothes in the laundry basket. Later in my room I found the "just in case" condom I had had in my pocket with a note "Found this in the washer. Suggest you bin it as it was on a hot cycle. Love Mum""  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1975960639462842660) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) 2025-10-08T16:25Z 1.1M followers, 100.4K engagements


"There's a groove in my desk at work where I put a really long hair I plucked from my nostril. All my subsequent workplace nose plucks are measured up against it. If I ever get a longer one it shall unseat the current nose hair from its throne and become the new nose hair king"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1976202229330706845) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) 2025-10-09T08:25Z 1.1M followers, 90.5K engagements


"Significant other can't cook to save his life. Zero technique zero flavour zero cooking skill. "I like prawns and I like duck. Mix them together; fusion". No it fucking isn't it's disgusting. I put leftovers in the freezer and then quietly throw them out on bin day"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1976232433352671542) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) 2025-10-09T10:25Z 1.1M followers, 94K engagements


"Was really craving a burger so spoke to the missus and we're going out on Friday. Didn't tell her I got the craving from watching a documentary on the Speedway Burger Chef murders"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1976247533035786311) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) 2025-10-09T11:25Z 1.1M followers, 83.1K engagements


"About XX years ago I played marbles in school and lost. I then refused to hand over my marble to my winning classmate. It sounds small but I still think about it to this day and I'm riddled with guilt"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1976292835042144752) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) 2025-10-09T14:25Z 1.1M followers, 84.9K engagements


"I'm XX and my 40yo wife is XX weeks pregnant. It was my idea. Every time my knees creak I think we may have done the wrong thing"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1976338124172140606) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) 2025-10-09T17:25Z 1.1M followers, 303.7K engagements


"I'm a XX year old straight bloke. I've taken to drinking in my local gay pub because the atmosphere is so much nicer. No screaming kids no football wankers just people having fun & enjoying each other's company"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1976353226992533696) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) 2025-10-09T18:25Z 1.1M followers, 278.7K engagements


"Walking to work in London a trio of random Japanese tourists approached me excitedly asked for a selfie with me and for my autograph which I gave. I'm not famous and I have no idea who they thought I was"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1976413622323630567) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) 2025-10-09T22:25Z 1.1M followers, 153.1K engagements


"In primary school we were told to hunt down and draw any insect we had could near home. Took in my drawing and found it was of some sort of parasite insect that meant the farmer lost all his potato crops that had to be destroyed. I'd just copied it from a book. Sorry Farmer"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1976579724890521995) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) 2025-10-10T09:25Z 1.1M followers, 160.2K engagements


"I was sleeping with my mum's end of life carer. We had snuck off when my mum died alone. In some ways I'm riddled with guilt. In others it was my mum that joked about us fancying each other. We are still together. So I feel like it was her plan all along. My last gift from her"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1976609921069171013) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) 2025-10-10T11:25Z 1.1M followers, 317.4K engagements


"We're looking for a childminder with a garden for our toddler because it seems impossible that we will be able to afford one of our own in his childhood years. Or a sibling. Or a pet"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1976670314248446462) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) 2025-10-10T15:25Z 1.1M followers, 118K engagements


"I love my parents but I don't think I can do another ten years of saying "No that's not true. That far right influencer/politician is lying to you again. Here are the facts." They get so frightened by all the lies. It's exhausting"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1976715614426190235) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) 2025-10-10T18:25Z 1.1M followers, 306.9K engagements


"In 1988 we went on holiday to America. I told my XX year old brother that they'd just released Nike Air Antigrav shoes. He went to every shoe shop in two shopping malls asking to try a pair of the limited release trainers I'd imagined for him"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1976745810810360172) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) 2025-10-10T20:25Z 1.1M followers, 106.2K engagements


"Work I marketing department there is a monthly draw of X x XX Amazon vouchers for surveys submitted each month I create three new random emails and I am lucky to win X vouchers every month. Been doing this for thee years"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1976776009128014000) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) 2025-10-10T22:25Z 1.1M followers, 149.4K engagements


"For the last few months my diet has consisted mainly of Pot Noodles and Ferrero Rocher. Recently I discovered that if you stir a couple of the chocolates in like you would the sachet it improves the taste of both. Bonus marks for necking the whole lot in one go. Bon apptit"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1976927011579822345) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) 2025-10-11T08:25Z 1.1M followers, 92K engagements


"Call centre worker here. I record a tally when the customer before providing their email address state 'all in lower case'. No Doreen your email address is case-insensitive. Highest count in a day is XX. We need to educating the UK public"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1976942112433172546) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) 2025-10-11T09:25Z 1.1M followers, 275.2K engagements


"Five years ago car hire company hit me with a spurious cleaning fee so I've been throwing away the wheel nut lock key of every single one I hire"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1976972310549614991) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) 2025-10-11T11:25Z 1.1M followers, 163.7K engagements


"I was always forgetting the names of our elderly neighbours until I realised that it's just like saying "packet of crisps" in a very loose Glasgow accent. Their names are Pat & Chris"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1976987402871734755) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) 2025-10-11T12:25Z 1.1M followers, 94.7K engagements


"A bastard burgled my house while I was at work. Saw it all on my home CCTV & called the police. The police caught the burglar because he was having so much fun playing with our Golden Retriever Daisy that he didn't realise the cops had surrounded the place"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1977002504635179367) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) 2025-10-11T13:25Z 1.1M followers, 257K engagements


"I started watching football at university to fit in with my first year flatmates but actually hated it. We're meeting up for the first time in five years and they want to watch football at a pub. I'm now revising the last five years of football"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1977047799804875236) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) 2025-10-11T16:25Z 1.1M followers, 114.1K engagements


"Short-term flat rental websites have ruined my city: extortionate house prices over-tourism few long-term lets. I protest write letters put up posters. I've booked a lovely cheap apartment for a weekend in Madrid but I'm telling nobody"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1977078008029524245) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) 2025-10-11T18:25Z 1.1M followers, 108.5K engagements


"A few years ago I rented out a room on AirBnB in my flat but I only have one bathroom. One morning after a huge coffee I needed to take an emergency dump but the toilet was occupied. I have two cats so I ran to their litter box in the hallway and took a shit in it"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1977093098921427261) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) 2025-10-11T19:25Z 1.1M followers, 114.1K engagements


"I deliberately delayed the release of my album so as not to clash with the recent Taylor Swift release. I only have X listeners on Spotify but you never know. Just takes one to catch fire"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1977289393510473873) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) 2025-10-12T08:25Z 1.1M followers, 182.7K engagements


"Up until it was recently pointed out to me I've always believed that Su Pollard & Jennie Eclair were the same person"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1977319598325207078) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) 2025-10-12T10:25Z 1.1M followers, 112.5K engagements


"45 year old married bloke. I love my wife dearly but have struggled with my weight for years. Realised that I'm only ever able to motivate myself to lose weight when I'm trying to shag someone new. Planning an imaginary affair just to motivate myself. Hoping I won't act on it"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1977334698062872933) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) 2025-10-12T11:25Z 1.1M followers, 150.3K engagements


"I was not included in my sister in laws wedding photos as I was busy breastfeeding our first born. They didn't wait for me. Why she thought I wanted to view them after the event I have no idea. Very expensive wedding and they got acrimoniously divorced. Serves them right"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1977395090403242225) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) 2025-10-12T15:25Z 1.1M followers, 177.5K engagements


"My partner's friend group are twats. One of them made digs at me because I don't go to after parties in folk's kitchens. He was a small time dealer so I reported him to Crimestoppers. His house was raided pled guilty name plastered over the local paper. Mission accomplished"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1977440389381361664) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) 2025-10-12T18:25Z 1.1M followers, 338.5K engagements


"Years ago in my early 20s an openly gay man asked me if I realised I was gay. 'I'm not' I said but it played on my mind for years and years and long story short he was right. Just took me a decade to realise"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1977455486472507816) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) 2025-10-12T19:25Z 1.1M followers, 203.5K engagements


"Went on a date with a new flame. Invited back following supper. Upon entry to flats realised I needed a shit. Located toilet did the business found there was no loo roll. Too embarrassed to ask I opted for a shower. "All ok" Still got laid and stayed with her for three years"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1977485698509746635) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) 2025-10-12T21:25Z 1.1M followers, 154K engagements


"Family kept telling me to get my hearing tested. They were all pleased when I got hearing aids. Honestly the only reason I went was to get a 1/3 off my train fairs as they view you as disabled. Commuters don't miss out on this crazy but generous perk"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1977681985393897621) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) 2025-10-13T10:25Z 1.1M followers, 170.7K engagements


"My husband's having an affair but doesn't realise I know. I read his messages to her and she's starting to ghost him ignoring his messages or just replying with an emoji. His messages to her are increasingly desperate. His desperation is turning me off more than the affair"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1977727286502642063) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) 2025-10-13T13:25Z 1.1M followers, 360.3K engagements


"Over heard two dudes at bar relay code for leaving a line in toilets. Fucked up thier system and nicked three decent lines before they changed tactics"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1977742378527023413) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) 2025-10-13T14:25Z 1.1M followers, 184.9K engagements


"In three different companies I had to submit reports to the board on a monthly basis. I started putting in a line that said "if you read this call me and I'll give you XX". I started at XX and went up by XX per month. Nobody ever called nobody ever mentioned it"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1977772581965992236) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) 2025-10-13T16:25Z 1.1M followers, 193.9K engagements


"Right upto when the Queen died I thought that her and Prince Charles were married"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1977802774520778849) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) 2025-10-13T18:25Z 1.1M followers, 132K engagements


"I've been on the dating apps for a decade. I've had less than a handful of dates. No matches in five years now. I knew I was unattractive but to have it so emphatically confirmed is depressing. No "Just meet people in person" doesn't work. If it did I wouldn't be on the apps"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1977817873901867208) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) 2025-10-13T19:25Z 1.1M followers, 279.7K engagements


"My wife goes for a poo only in the upstairs toilet. When she does I go for a poo in the downstairs toilet hoping that her poo and my poo will meet in the pipes. No idea why"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1977832974499409969) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) 2025-10-13T20:25Z 1.1M followers, 169.6K engagements


"When my son was younger I convinced him that flashing the lights at traffic zones makes them change strangely to this day when he's driving he does it but never mentions it. I haven't the heart to tell him it was a lie"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1977848076057424299) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) 2025-10-13T21:25Z 1.1M followers, 217.8K engagements


"Whenever I put cutlery back into the drawer after the dishwasher I always move the spoons around and bring the old ones to the top. It's nothing to do with hygiene I just don't want the spoons to get upset about not making tea"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1978044373431394800) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) 2025-10-14T10:25Z 1.1M followers, 93.1K engagements


"Dad used to moan about how I hadn't grown out of Doctor Who. I now get paid to write about it so when I visit him I wear Dalek socks"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1978104772625416461) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) 2025-10-14T14:25Z 1.1M followers, 153.4K engagements


"I airbnb my spare rooms. Someone signed into my home speakers in my kitchen. It was rather annoying. I was able to ask Alexa about recent orders which I could repeat order. I felt slightly better by reordering XX dog gates X sacks of litter and XX tubes of lube"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1978119871041864081) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) 2025-10-14T15:25Z 1.1M followers, 116.1K engagements


"I'm totally confused about social media and death notices. I see notices for friends and colleagues most months. I'm that age. I've no idea how to respond respectfully. A thumbs up would be horrific. But writing for an ephemeral yet permanent record is so hard. I say nothing"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1978134963988947341) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) 2025-10-14T16:25Z 1.1M followers, 96.3K engagements


"On the train with my boyfriend to his place decided to titillate him by deep throating a banana I had left over from lunch. Guess it was a bit bruised and overripe broke off in my throat. Bloody well near died before some bloke performed the Heimlich maneuver on me"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1978195363526857208) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) 2025-10-14T20:25Z 1.1M followers, 117.1K engagements


"I graduated with a "pass" in 2001. I needed a copy of my degree certificate so I contacted the university they'd been through so many upgrades of their records system they just asked me what grade I got. Now I'm a XXX graduate"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1978361463640109134) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) 2025-10-15T07:25Z 1.1M followers, 289K engagements


"Supermarket cashier here. I prepare orders for Just Eats Deliveroo etc to collect from the store. Yes we do judge you by your order. The saddest ever order was XX cigarettes a bottle of vodka and a pregnancy test"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1978376564887753118) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) 2025-10-15T08:25Z 1.1M followers, 140.7K engagements


"To keep my carbon footprint down save money and keep miles off the car I give my work ID badge to a friend who swipes into the office for me and I work from home. Dumb office policy"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1978391656576479238) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) 2025-10-15T09:25Z 1.1M followers, 105K engagements


"I never take a laptop to my local cafe but always sit at one of the few tables designated for laptop users - that way there is one less place for those silent single-coffee-nursing atmosphere vampires"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1978406763465413017) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) 2025-10-15T10:25Z 1.1M followers, 83.6K engagements


"Was heavily into the whole no-branding thing in the 2000s. Never wore clothes with slogans or logos. Eschewed big brands. Bought a dog. Refused to name him. After six months succumbed to peer pressure and called it Ian. Never responded to it. Just came and went as it pleased"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1978421862859161624) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) 2025-10-15T11:25Z 1.1M followers, 98.7K engagements


"I'm XX and have just succumbed to my inner teenager by measuring my erect penis using the spaghetti measurer. I'm almost four servings"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1978436955864969564) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) 2025-10-15T12:25Z 1.1M followers, 158.6K engagements


"Driving home through the Lincolnshire woods one night I was flagged down by a well dressed man whose Jaguar had become stuck. I towed him and his young assistant free. Later got an check for 2000 and an NDA from a reputation management company. I've no idea who he is"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1978452054537376169) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) 2025-10-15T13:25Z 1.1M followers, 576.4K engagements


"If a song comes on the radio and I know the lyrics I sing along but in the style of The Monster Mash you know with that sort of sarcastic tone. It genuinely infuriates my wife to the point I think she will leave me but I can't stop"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1978497354987663698) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) 2025-10-15T16:25Z 1.1M followers, 79K engagements


"Accidentally hit the car next to me with my trolley when unloading in a supermarket car park. The woman who owned the car wasn't happy. Began yelling at me about the tiny barely visible scratch threatened to send her brothers after me if I didn't pay etc. Anyway married her"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1978512451218907302) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) 2025-10-15T17:25Z 1.1M followers, 207.1K engagements


"When I was a teenager I had a part-time weekend job as a lifeguard at the local swimming pool. Thank fuck nobody drowned because I can't swim"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1978527551195599013) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) 2025-10-15T18:25Z 1.1M followers, 104.1K engagements


"I shat out a turd perfectly shaped like the poo emoji. Unfortunately because I deposited it in the shower I couldn't call my other half in to admire it"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1978542650740404610) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) 2025-10-15T19:25Z 1.1M followers, 119K engagements


"A week ago I saw someone eat an orange in the way you'd eat an apple; peel and everything. It disturbed me so much that I've not been able to get it out of my mind. Sharing so you can think about it too"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1978769150332797247) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) 2025-10-16T10:25Z 1.1M followers, 90.8K engagements


"I sprint train X days a week and have gotten my one mile tome to 5:49. I WFH and my son's school is XXX miles away. If the bombs start falling I want to get to him in time to at least hold him tight. This all sounds crazy but X minutes reading the news makes me stick with it"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1978799347195081128) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) 2025-10-16T12:25Z 1.1M followers, 145.2K engagements


"Age X on my way home from school I'd stop by our local shop. Before I went in I'd suck all my fingers then go into the shop run my fingers through the open boxes of sugary fizzy pick n mix sweets and leave the shop and suck all the fizzy goodness off my sticky little fingers"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1978814450321789164) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) 2025-10-16T13:25Z 1.1M followers, 78.1K engagements


"In my youth aconstantly horny teenage lad watched a lot of porn. Saw all the men were circumcised wondered why I wasn't or should I be. Tried to sellotape my foreskin back for a few days to see if would work. It didn't. Just very uncomfortable"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1978844640196350435) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) 2025-10-16T15:25Z 1.1M followers, 102.7K engagements


"Was on second viewing of a house. It was lovely my wife described it as our dream home. Called the agent to agree to pay the asking price when I noticed the 'Private drive no turning' sign in the neighbours driveway. Couldn't live next door to that level of twatness"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1978874839684256249) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) 2025-10-16T17:25Z 1.1M followers, 157.2K engagements


"Best man at a wedding. Some guy they'd hired was fussing over us. He walked away and the groom said Do you think that guy looks like a Poundland Marti Pellow I asked him if he was talking about the videographer who had just put mics on us Yes his wedding video ended up awful"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1978889940285952047) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) 2025-10-16T18:25Z 1.1M followers, 164.1K engagements


"Downloaded a VPN on my phone for obvious reasons thought I would get away with it until sitting in car with my wife and my podcast started playing adverts in bloody Spanish"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1978905041126735918) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) 2025-10-16T19:25Z 1.1M followers, 170.1K engagements


"My husband of X years bought me XX Lego for my birthday this year. I wouldn't mind so much but he also bought himself XXX Lego the same day. Unfortunately he's not been able to finish his AT - ST walker as some of the pieces appear to have mysteriously gone missing. Shame"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1978920140335947953) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) 2025-10-16T20:25Z 1.1M followers, 174.8K engagements


"Had my car XX years looking at replacing it but don't know much about them. Utterly regret letting this be known. Everyone has an unhelpful yet firm opinion on what NOT to look at what to absolutely avoid and it's pretty much every car brand in existence"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1978935237464793141) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) 2025-10-16T21:25Z 1.1M followers, 135K engagements


"My cousins' dad died a few years ago. They were understandably devastated. He was only in his 50s. Obviously they dreaded his funeral. I was secretly looking forward to it. I knew the buffet would be top notch. I didn't know him very well to be fair. It was a lovely spread"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1979116439442252080) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) 2025-10-17T09:25Z 1.1M followers, 108.4K engagements


"Burdened by a confession Use this link to share it with Fesshole:"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1979140340037673039) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) 2025-10-17T11:00Z 1.1M followers, 60.7K engagements


"Partner died suddenly. Last message they'd sent said "I love you". Fess is that I'm so technologically inept I didn't know how to save messages or that you even needed to and they got automatically deleted after a year. Still haunted by my own incompetence"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1979146631715889629) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) 2025-10-17T11:25Z 1.1M followers, 247K engagements


"Teenage son said "imagine you'd bought a Bitcoin when they were only 4000". Can't tell him I must've bought at least XX of them when they were sub-300 but we were stoners at the time and used them to buy weed on the Dark Web"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1979176834420932696) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) 2025-10-17T13:25Z 1.1M followers, 170.6K engagements


"Apparently when asking your teenagers to put the chicken in the oven to start cooking because you're going to be late getting home you also need to specify that they also need to turn the oven on"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1979207028892422515) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) 2025-10-17T15:25Z 1.1M followers, 144.4K engagements


"Her confession and I'm only sharing it here rather than openly because she begged me not to go public but when discussing our daughter's history homework on the Battle of Hastings yesterday my Swedish wife referred to Norman the Conqueror. My laughter lasted about two minutes"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1979222135005499683) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) 2025-10-17T16:25Z 1.1M followers, 279.1K engagements


"As a late 50s balding man decided to embrace it and had a grade one all over. When I got home I was told I "You look like a reform voter and have you put up a flag on your way home" Gutted but at least it will grow back"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1979237230158717104) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) 2025-10-17T17:25Z 1.1M followers, 112.1K engagements


"Had to cancel my 5s game and posted in the chat to say I was injured. That's true. Didn't say how. Truth is I pulled a muscle in my neck quite badly whilst air-drumming. I'm 53"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1979448621708808692) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) 2025-10-18T07:25Z 1.1M followers, 83.5K engagements


"I work projects for an international bank. We have teams meetings about releasing new forms. I loudly describe the FAP. This is Form Approval Process. I was take aside by a younger manager and told FAP is related to porn. I'm XX. I had no idea. I googled it. I shouldn't have"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1979478819644809367) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) 2025-10-18T09:25Z 1.1M followers, 197.6K engagements


"My mum hates my boss because it's been years since I've been able to turn up for a family holiday without getting at least one work call that requires me to step out for a couple hours to sort something. She still hasn't figured out it's actually my mate Steve helping me out"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1979539228942909940) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) 2025-10-18T13:25Z 1.1M followers, 135.4K engagements


"I assess loan applications for a living. I get my kicks from the ones I can decline. Once I found myself on a record streak of X loans legitimately declined. There was nothing wrong with the next one but I declined it anyway so I could claim a streak of XX loans declined"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1979569415826854330) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) 2025-10-18T15:25Z 1.1M followers, 150.5K engagements


"Neighbour leaving or entering his home sets off our ring doorbell. When it happens I sprint to the front door to switch on the security light then turn it off when he's gone. No idea why this started or why it matters but I can't stop now or he'll know it's not automatic"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1979599615117701391) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) 2025-10-18T17:25Z 1.1M followers, 85.6K engagements


"If you ever want to find out how thick grown adult humans can be become a transport manager. We trust these fuckers with vans and your parcels. You can't believe the shit I go through every day. Primary school kids have more sense"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1979644914464964649) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) 2025-10-18T20:25Z 1.1M followers, 135.1K engagements


"I fantasise about my wife of XX years dying. Time to my self. Drink what I want. Live the life. Do what I want. She went away for a week with her girlfriends. I was so bored and lonely it was unreal. I hope I die first"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1979675115227959493) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) 2025-10-18T22:25Z 1.1M followers, 236.2K engagements


"10 years ago I moved from the UK to Spain for a bit. I was in the shape of my life. I tell people it was sunshine fresh food and regular exercise. It's actually because I was such an awful cook that I immediately lost weight making exercise actually doable"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1979826108942975230) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) 2025-10-19T08:25Z 1.1M followers, 92.4K engagements


"There was a lot of washing up to do before my girlfriend got home. So I had the genius idea to put it all in the garden smother them with soap and spray them down with the jet hose. While the cutlery survived I did end up having to buy new plates bowls glasses & mugs. Oops"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1979841216377188413) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) 2025-10-19T09:25Z 1.1M followers, 85.5K engagements


"My wife once said she doesnt worry about me cheating but would be more hurt if I went to McDonalds without her. I've connected with a McDonalds developer on LinkedIn to try and delete my app history"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1979871413390430687) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) 2025-10-19T11:25Z 1.1M followers, 111.4K engagements


"A heart warming story in three parts. Thanks @YorkshireTea"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1979903809947131907) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) 2025-10-19T13:33Z 1.1M followers, 149.6K engagements


"As kids we always looked forward to eating tinned corn with dinner because that meant a corn race. My sister and I would take the family digital camera into the loo and photograph our turds. The winner showed one with chunks of corn in it first"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1979916704558764527) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) 2025-10-19T14:25Z 1.1M followers, 87.6K engagements


"I'm one of those cunts who gives kids toothbrushes and mini toothpastes when they come around trick or treating on Halloween. Looking forward to doing it again this year already stocked up. At least someone is looking after your kid's teeth"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1979962003620790358) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) 2025-10-19T17:25Z 1.1M followers, 101.9K engagements


"I'm a landlord of a pub. Have spun a story that a major literary figure used to drink at my inn back in the 1700s. Completely untrue but tourists love to visit the pub and sit in his 'seat'. All bollocks but it's great for business"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1980037499914240388) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) 2025-10-19T22:25Z 1.1M followers, 312.8K engagements


"Years ago I missed the birth of my son because I wanted to finish my cheese and bean jacket potato at Spudulike before going to the hospital. It was a good potato. RIP Spudulike"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1980203602086961229) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) 2025-10-20T09:25Z 1.1M followers, 81.2K engagements


"Husband kept nagging me to get a hearing test as kept ignoring him so I did. I can hear perfectly turns out I just don't want to listen to him. Haven't told him"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1980218701539320070) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) 2025-10-20T10:25Z 1.1M followers, 78.7K engagements


"I ride my bike to work. Sometimes I am the first there. I use these chances to ride around the inside of the factory in between the machines as fast as I can. I am X years old again and the king of the world"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1980264000001544260) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) 2025-10-20T13:25Z 1.1M followers, 89.3K engagements


"This morning I told my wife to keep still because there was a little spider in her hair. She kept still and held her breath like a horror movie protagonist as I removed the offending article from her hair. It was actually my stray bogey that missed the tissue. Quickly ate it"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1980294193122545723) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) 2025-10-20T15:25Z 1.1M followers, 82K engagements


"I have the most pointless job on earth where it contributes nothing to society. I write best practice docs that no-one reads but we must have them in case we get audited. I wrote a best practice seven yrs ago that contained lyrics from Ice Ice Baby & still no-one has noticed"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1980309292646363181) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) 2025-10-20T16:25Z 1.1M followers, 129K engagements


"Going on my holidays. Thought I would get some more money for it. Swapped XXX for 3000 counterfeit online. Guess what didn't come And it's not like I can go to the police and compain"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1980565990787211298) [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) 2025-10-21T09:25Z 1.1M followers, 102.3K engagements