[GUEST ACCESS MODE: Data is scrambled or limited to provide examples. Make requests using your API key to unlock full data. Check https://lunarcrush.ai/auth for authentication information.] #  @fesshole Fesshole🧻 Fesshole🧻 posts on X about told, toilet, has been, fed the most. They currently have XXXXXXXXX followers and 4920 posts still getting attention that total XXXXXXX engagements in the last XX hours. ### Engagements: XXXXXXX [#](/creator/twitter::1007749631818821638/interactions)  - X Week XXXXXXXXXX -XXXX% - X Month XXXXXXXXXX +47% - X Months XXXXXXXXXXX -XX% - X Year XXXXXXXXXXX -XX% ### Mentions: XXX [#](/creator/twitter::1007749631818821638/posts_active)  - X Week XXX -XX% - X Month XXX +62% - X Months XXXXX +8.60% - X Year XXXXX -XX% ### Followers: XXXXXXXXX [#](/creator/twitter::1007749631818821638/followers)  - X Week XXXXXXXXX +0.02% - X Month XXXXXXXXX +0.12% - X Months XXXXXXXXX -XXXX% - X Year XXXXXXXXX -XXXX% ### CreatorRank: XXXXXX [#](/creator/twitter::1007749631818821638/influencer_rank)  ### Social Influence [#](/creator/twitter::1007749631818821638/influence) --- **Social category influence** [stocks](/list/stocks) [technology brands](/list/technology-brands) [finance](/list/finance) [countries](/list/countries) [travel destinations](/list/travel-destinations) [gaming](/list/gaming) [celebrities](/list/celebrities) [musicians](/list/musicians) **Social topic influence** [told](/topic/told) #149, [toilet](/topic/toilet) #496, [has been](/topic/has-been) #2194, [fed](/topic/fed), [porn](/topic/porn), [im a](/topic/im-a) #132, [finance](/topic/finance), [bin](/topic/bin) #290, [ritual](/topic/ritual) #293, [bits](/topic/bits) **Top assets mentioned** [Alphabet Inc Class A (GOOGL)](/topic/$googl) [Nokia Corporation (NOK)](/topic/$nok) [CVS Health Corp (CVS)](/topic/cvs) ### Top Social Posts [#](/creator/twitter::1007749631818821638/posts) --- Top posts by engagements in the last XX hours "My finance and I wanted the church to play Zadok the Priest on our wedding day. I asked my best man to arrange it. Seems he got confused and we ended up walking down the aisle to Zorba the Greek. I privately thought I was an improvement"  [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1945852245024641528) 2025-07-17 14:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 173.9K engagements "I have done lots of project management type jobs in my life and like to tell my wife I'm project managing her house work etc. Using all the management speech gibberish of a true twat for my entertainment. One day she may kill me in my sleep and I'll deserve it"  [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1947981281771364743) 2025-07-23 11:25:03 UTC 1.1M followers, 97.1K engagements "I watch how world leaders successfully deal with Trump: flattery for his vanity a tiny bit of pushback for his victimhood. I've started using the same tactics on my ex and tbh it's made life so much easier. Thank you President Trump"  [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1947362197736235112) 2025-07-21 18:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 105.4K engagements "Got something to admit Head here to fess up:"  [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1945438266443829483) 2025-07-16 11:00:01 UTC 1.1M followers, 75.9K engagements "Teacher. As I say goodbye to another year of children my fess is that I'm quitting teaching. One child has been held back a year he's the worst child I have ever taught in my XX years of teaching. Simply can't deal with him for another year"  [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1946214633712353475) 2025-07-18 14:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 335.5K engagements "I'm severely Lactose Intolerant if my wife or kids wants me to do something and I really can't be arsed I drink a glass of milk and have the shits for about two hours the amount of times I've gotten out of going to the in-laws is quite a feat"  [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1946879022136238416) 2025-07-20 10:25:04 UTC 1.1M followers, 154K engagements "When I was a kid a pair of dolphins saved my life but my parents never believed me. On holiday in Australia. I was snorkelling in the ocean & realised too late that a shark was coming towards me. Suddenly two dolphins rammed the shark giving me time to swim back to the boat"  [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1947196099472564489) 2025-07-21 07:25:01 UTC 1.1M followers, 302.2K engagements "My partner meets a lot of celebrities through her job. If it turns out they are horrible in real life then I go and rate all their films on IMDb as one star"  [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1947422592937202057) 2025-07-21 22:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 129.7K engagements "My cat Muffin loves earwax. She sucks it off my pinky like a weird little bonding ritual. Now she raids the bathroom bin for used cotton buds and sucks them like earwax lollipops. I've created a monster. A deeply affectionate disgusting monster"  [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1945837146348073441) 2025-07-17 13:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 99K engagements "Picked up a bottle of Coke Zero and put it back again as it had the name of a bloke that my missus shagged before me"  [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1945746548937150883) 2025-07-17 07:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 173.8K engagements "Used to be in bands. Guitarist in one of them had a girlfriend who knew Sharon Osbourne and was offering to connect us. Exciting. Said we needed an 'image' first though. We were X scruffy stoners imitating Mogwai. That was our image. Safe to say that went absolutely nowhere"  [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1947966176631349738) 2025-07-23 10:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 108.5K engagements "I've got human remains in my shed. It's bits of a skeleton my grandad had as a medical student in the 1930s. I need to get rid of it but where I can't take it down the tip without looking like Fred West"  [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1942681353692025213) 2025-07-08 20:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 480.7K engagements "I told my late best friend's wife what song he wanted playing at his funeral. It wasn't his song it was mine. Just thought what an opportunity for a trial run"  [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1946607220759658638) 2025-07-19 16:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 143.8K engagements "Sitting in my local Greggs with a sarnie and coffee there's always entertainment to be had in counting the number of thieves who openly nick their lunch and stroll out. The staff don't give a fuck"  [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1941775383889637436) 2025-07-06 08:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 177.9K engagements "Finance department are being power hungry ego-trip complete twats about spending money even when it's bloomin obvious it's absolutely required. Asa result I have now made it my life's work to legitimately spend as much of the company's money as possible"  [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1943662823956971948) 2025-07-11 13:25:03 UTC 1.1M followers, 90.9K engagements "I lost my sight two years ago. Mostly I'm okay with being blind. I've adapted well. I am very independent and have found new ways to "see" the world. But there's four things I miss seeing more than anything. My three children's faces. And the stars at night"  [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1946999809593786548) 2025-07-20 18:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 544K engagements "I go to London once a fortnight from Sheffield. I tell people it's to meet a new girlfriend. In reality it's to make progress on visiting every tube station. I haven't had a girlfriend for years"  [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1945142570176086046) 2025-07-15 15:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 314.3K engagements "I always win the competition to get the last bit of toothpaste out of the tube meaning that the wife is always the one to open a new tube. She is not aware of my secret tube under the basin"  [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1943783614967149051) 2025-07-11 21:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 119.3K engagements "I email random strangers who are in positions of power with my unfiltered thoughts on their ability to bring change to those who aren't in that position. Occasionally it works and brings institutional change. If you have strong feelings you should try it"  [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1942907849849409797) 2025-07-09 11:25:03 UTC 1.1M followers, 129.4K engagements "When the headmaster solemnly announced in assembly that Martin had died in a car crash all my mates looked at me. The previous day I had written 'I wish that Martin would be killed' in my exercise book; despite further requests I never used the book again"  [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1946697819072450617) 2025-07-19 22:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 168.6K engagements "I've never had more attention from the ladies in my entire life than the day I stood in the middle of the dancefloor in the main marquee at Perth Horse Races holding a massive bag of chips. Can thoroughly recommend"  [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1947951080245010438) 2025-07-23 09:25:03 UTC 1.1M followers, 181.5K engagements "I'm Romanian some years ago I went on a date with a guy who did nothing but complain about foreigners "but it's okay because you're one of the good ones." Deliberately put him on the wrong tram home for being a racist twat"  [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1942485057173602534) 2025-07-08 07:25:01 UTC 1.1M followers, 197.1K engagements "When interviewing candidates for an IT support job in the 2010s I used to ask which member of The A Team they would be and why. If anyone said Face they were automatically ruled out of the role. Face is a dick"  [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1944070504689647708) 2025-07-12 16:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 140.1K engagements "My husband has his own pissing song he sings on a morning - it goes "pissing in the toilet pissing in the sea pissing in the river pissing is for me" it drives me mad but this morning I found myself humming it"  [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1933289466761732350) 2025-06-12 22:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 187.4K engagements "Husband refuses to do any financial admin: booking plane tickets or hotels grocery deliveries travel insurance any online purchases. So I do it all via a cashback app and keep that cash for myself. Finder's fee I think"  [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1947014907087527956) 2025-07-20 19:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 190.4K engagements "Fed up being the only person who empties the bins and clears the recycling from the bathroom. Refusing to do it now. Our bedroom bin is overflowing and we're up to about X loo roll tubes in the bathroom so far. I'm not giving in. Someone else can deal with it for a change"  [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1940809021813895345) 2025-07-03 16:25:03 UTC 1.1M followers, 183K engagements "Was getting the tube back from a fancy dress party. 6am hadn't slept was dressed as a Catholic priest. Woman came up to me and asked me to pray for her. Muttered some made up Latin. Think I got away with it"  [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1945399259878027472) 2025-07-16 08:25:01 UTC 1.1M followers, 214.6K engagements "My ex-girlfriend offered me a threesome but I turned it down because I didn't fancy her friend Lauren. But she didn't mean *that* Lauren. She meant another Lauren. Other Lauren was absolutely beautiful. I think about this mistake most days. It haunts me"  [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1940869412552138779) 2025-07-03 20:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 321.6K engagements "I had some liquorice tea on a Tesco delivery. Somehow during the conversation with the delivery guy he thought I created new teas as a profession. Rather than correct him he was fascinated to learn from me the process you have to go through in creating new teas. Pure BS"  [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1947709482634564034) 2025-07-22 17:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 103.8K engagements "Runner here if you see a runner with one sock on or no socks. They used them to wipe their arse"  [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1947316901538873681) 2025-07-21 15:25:03 UTC 1.1M followers, 144.1K engagements "My husband has to have the telly on an even number. When he's not looking or if I'm on my own I put it on an odd number. Preferably XX if I can get away with it"  [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1947271602237837820) 2025-07-21 12:25:03 UTC 1.1M followers, 129K engagements "My husband always buys me a box of Maltesers every birthday and Christmas because they're my favourite. They're not my favourite. Minstrels are but I don't have the heart to tell him after XX years of marriage"  [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1945021773277188424) 2025-07-15 07:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 130.8K engagements "My wife never knew her dad but always dreamt of finding him so he could give her away at her wedding. I decided to track him down as a surprise for her. I found him serving life in prison for murder. Decided not to tell her. She still doesn't know. Not sure if I should tell her"  [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1944523490146611454) 2025-07-13 22:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 532.5K engagements "I'm being crushed by the unexpected weight of responsibility for naming our soon to arrive first born. We're supposed to write a list each but all I have on mine is Super Hans and Bobson Dugnutt"  [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1942620953525043226) 2025-07-08 16:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 160.9K engagements "When I was XX i was the obsessed with the Sims X. I made a save where it was me and my mum living in a house. Being oblivious to the implications I showed my dad the house I built and the children we had together in the game. I still find it hard to live with myself"  [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1945097271722353037) 2025-07-15 12:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 372.5K engagements "TV doctor & IVF pioneer Professor Robert Winston is responsible for adversely affecting my sex life. Years ago my wife and I were watching one of his programmes when he stated "sperm is XX days old when ejaculated". After that she stopped performing a certain act"  [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1946833711581786314) 2025-07-20 07:25:01 UTC 1.1M followers, 152.2K engagements "Sometimes I fill the kettle a bit past the "Max" line. It's not actually illegal but at my age it's the closest I'm likely to get to a life of crime"  [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1946501529613000730) 2025-07-19 09:25:03 UTC 1.1M followers, 108.9K engagements "The last stag do I went on we went to the strippers. I hate those places. Awful. The music was banging though. I spent the evening on Shazam and now I have new tunes to listen to. Can't tell my wife where I found them even though I was a good boy"  [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1945474764618838072) 2025-07-16 13:25:03 UTC 1.1M followers, 151.8K engagements "In a nightclub toilet cubicle with a mate chopping one out. Door comes flying off it's hinges and giant apoplectic bouncer screams WTF ARE YOU DOING Quick as a flash i retort in my absolute campest: What does it look like big boy Bouncers spins on heels in disgust and goes"  [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1945520057443922167) 2025-07-16 16:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 385.9K engagements "I really don't want to be with my girlfriend anymore but stay with her cos I love going for a pint with her dad and I don't want that to stop"  [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1946924311631081480) 2025-07-20 13:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 259.1K engagements "My wife's gone away for a fortnight in the sun so I've decided to re-pave my patio; it'll give the neighbours something to talk about. Nosey cunts"  [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1942243472641056811) 2025-07-07 15:25:03 UTC 1.1M followers, 302.3K engagements "I was riding my bike recently when a driver passed me too close and almost knocked me off. I waved my fist and he screeched to a halt and got out holding a baseball bat. I showed him the end of what I had up my sleeve and he drove off. Never been so glad to have my pump fall off"  [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1943768514944209112) 2025-07-11 20:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 256.5K engagements "My ex once described my manhood as 'like a penis just smaller' something I laughed off at the time but XX years on and it still lives rent free in my head. Well played Jenn well played"  [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1945942843341615520) 2025-07-17 20:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 250.5K engagements "Got a villa in Portugal I had decorated based on places I'd seen in porn right down to screenshots that needed to be cropped before I handed them over to the interior designer. Looks amazing / ridiculous but does really well on AirBnB"  [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1942998446023053347) 2025-07-09 17:25:03 UTC 1.1M followers, 146.3K engagements "My wife and I both work from home. Apparently my singing Michael Jackson songs in the style of Alan Partridge is not conducive to her productivity"  [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1945867345613701509) 2025-07-17 15:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 145K engagements "Not overweight but noticed that my wife is now regularly giving me the smallest potion when we have our family 'treat" meals. It's that more than our complete lack of physical intimacy for XX years that makes me think it's all coming to an end"  [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1944327199089119727) 2025-07-13 09:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 254.9K engagements "Manage my elderly 78yr old mums finances. Queried an item on her bank statement saying 'Womanizer' thinking there had been some fraud. Turns out she has been spending 100s online buying vibrators"  [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1946682716595933312) 2025-07-19 21:25:01 UTC 1.1M followers, 162.7K engagements "Recently had a new carpet fitted by a professional carpet fitter. I took all of the off cuts back that the carpenter was going to throw away. Am I ever going to need or use them Probably not. But the carpet guy can fuck off if he thinks he's having them for free. I paid for it"  [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1944885878314160594) 2025-07-14 22:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 171K engagements "My partner has a few thousand followers on Insta but isn't any sort of influencer. Often they'll put a story talking to the camera like "hi guys update from me" and then waffle on about themselves for an hour like a celeb. Have to be supportive but it's unbearable cringe & I hate it"  [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1946108936689430845) 2025-07-18 07:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 389.8K engagements "Everytime I lose a job I leave behind a hidden dairy based gift. For example a pint of milk in a box on a top shelf or a whole camembert in a wall cavity. It's great fun spending the notice period finding the best hidding place"  [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1948328567789511151) 2025-07-24 10:25:03 UTC 1.1M followers, 116.8K engagements "During an innocent ticket mix-up an incredibly obnoxious train ticket inspector accused me of trying a particular ticket dodge that I wasn't aware was possible and which he described in detail. That twazzock has saved me hundreds and hundreds of quid in fares over the years"  [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1945127477258461326) 2025-07-15 14:25:03 UTC 1.1M followers, 1.6M engagements "I am a Joiner. There are several tools that we will never tell anyone about in fear of them being able to do the majority of the work themselves. Here's three in my bid for forgiveness: Impact driver/Oscillating tool/SDS drill. Bonus: SDS chisel attachment. You're welcome"  [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1946652519356059672) 2025-07-19 19:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 260K engagements "I am addicted to tracking my parcels. I get more enjoyment out of the tracking than the actual delivery. A prolonged customs clearance is a delight"  [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1940763717823504513) 2025-07-03 13:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 122.2K engagements "Me and three mates send each other voice messages recording our farts and rate them out of ten walking dog today and decided to record a decent brew woman came round corner and clocked me with phone to my arse"  [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1947211202565742831) 2025-07-21 08:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 137.7K engagements "I'm a pilot if I don't like the look of the passengers as they board I deliberately put the fasten seatbelt sign on mid flight so they can't get up and go to the toilet. I generally keep it on for 30-45 minutes depending on how long the flight is"  [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1947769883606823050) 2025-07-22 21:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 236.6K engagements "English is my first language and I've finished all the lessons to be had on the language I wanted to learn on Duo lingo. I still do a lesson a day in English to keep my streak going. I don't really want to but I don't want to lose my streak"  [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1944478193257202103) 2025-07-13 19:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 126.2K engagements "Our new family cat is called Alan. My wife and kids all think i suggested it as a solid/mildly comical name. What they don't know is I secretly named the cat after Alan Rickman in honour to his performance in Die Hard"  [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1945233167209619887) 2025-07-15 21:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 181.7K engagements "I'm now called Jeremy B at the office because another Jeremy whose surname begins with the letter 'A' joined us last month. I've been there XX years and the demotion is humiliating"  [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1945248265299022246) 2025-07-15 22:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 246.8K engagements "Wife made a joke about opening up the marriage and now I'm terrified as we both know she'd end up with loads of attention while I got none. So I've upped my husband game. Flowers date nights helping more around the house. There's a chance I've been played but I can't risk it"  [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1939706752129241302) 2025-06-30 15:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 512K engagements "As a last act of defiance before leaving my job I handed in my notice and told nobody I was leaving then I acquired the most project work possible from people I disliked then left without telling them I'd done none of it"  [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1948358761745187098) 2025-07-24 12:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 282K engagements "At a narrow bridge I noticed the car flashing me through had an reg ending in LBW. Rather than giving the standard hand raise of thanks I gave an umpire single finger "out" signal. They replied with a X runs arm wave. One of the greatest human interactions of my life"  [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1937260637266026580) 2025-06-23 21:25:03 UTC 1.1M followers, 912.1K engagements "My friends complain that I've changed since I got married. They think my wife has a hold of me and doesn't let me hang out with them as much anymore. This isn't true. I deliberately choose to spend more time with our Springer Spaniel puppy than them"  [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1942183067092693465) 2025-07-07 11:25:01 UTC 1.1M followers, 177.5K engagements "LEEDS FESSHOLE GIG - venue had sold out but we've just spoken to them and they can get in another ten by rearranging the seating. It's this thurs - so grab your tickets NOW"  [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1947280653722014092) 2025-07-21 13:01:01 UTC 1.1M followers, 75.3K engagements "I threw all my dad's Oasis albums in the bin because if I had to listen to Champagne Supernova one more time I'd have been committed"  [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1946320330382860487) 2025-07-18 21:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 159.8K engagements "Seen a few posts here about men "power hosing" stains off the toilet with their piss. I remember those days but now at XX I have a strong feeling that if I tried this with the added pressure I'd end up shitting myself"  [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1943617519228424690) 2025-07-11 10:25:01 UTC 1.1M followers, 152.9K engagements "My GF thinks I really love our plants because I always offer to water them. Really it's because they're too close to my expensive TV and I don't trust her not to pour water on it as well as them"  [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1943723218822406424) 2025-07-11 17:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 106.5K engagements "I play a game when going up the escalators that I HAVE to choose one person going the other way to sleep with. I'm a XX year old sweaty man"  [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1946592120577445952) 2025-07-19 15:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 115.1K engagements "2 kids in the same school. Each subject teacher has two WhatsApp groups for each class: kids and parents and parents only. That's XX groups just for the school. Got myself a Nokia dumb phone. They can send me a photocopied piece of paper"  [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1946275030360363232) 2025-07-18 18:25:01 UTC 1.1M followers, 149.3K engagements "Boss in a former job wanted to make me redundant. I half-jokingly said "okay but I know about you cheating on your wife". Before I could say "just kidding" the colour drained from his face. I wasn't made redundant"  [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1943995014075257315) 2025-07-12 11:25:03 UTC 1.1M followers, 770.8K engagements "Not alcoholic just like beer as much as the next man/woman. However have developed an inordinate fondness for having a beer on the dog walk. Think it's partly managing to sneak a can out the house but there's nothing so grand as walking the golf course at dusk enjoying a beer"  [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1944296999752229333) 2025-07-13 07:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 306.2K engagements "We used to hang around in "teen chat" websites with feminine-sounding handles and wait for creepy men to message us. We'd lead them on and eventually paste in some text making it look like the authorities were en route"  [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1946124037832200581) 2025-07-18 08:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 111.5K engagements "When I was younger i watched an episode of the Simpsons where Homer eats a bunch of tulips. The scene made them look so tasty. So you can guess where this is going I took one out my neighbour's garden & bit the head off it. It tasted disgusting & had an earwig inside"  [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1943028640960151669) 2025-07-09 19:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 128.9K engagements "Double glazing window bastards are bastards got some quotes a while back and Anglian call every X months without fail & post letters despite me telling them to fuck off and already having my windows done. I'm now using their SAEs to post bits of my old conservatory to them"  [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1947739684760617235) 2025-07-22 19:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 169.5K engagements "My Dad worked at the Royal Mint each year he was presented with the years coins in a case. When I was XX and off on holiday I pillaged a few of those cases spending several collectible pounds on a pack of fags can't bring myself to look at what they might be worth now"  [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1945973043144081686) 2025-07-17 22:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 131.5K engagements "I'm the bassist in a mildly successful indie band. I've never understood how to count time signatures. Never have and didn't make any sense to me when I tried to learn. Nobody has ever said I'm doing anything wrong anyway"  [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1946486423562936378) 2025-07-19 08:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 180.1K engagements "Got off my face at a festival and told a girl I was a paramedic. Ended up helping the real paramedics carry someone on a stretcher. They thanked me. I said "just doing my job." I'm an estate agent"  [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1947754783814668675) 2025-07-22 20:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 377.8K engagements "I'm always very sharp & specific with what I put in the calendar app on my phone. After an event happened I'll even go back and change the times to something if it differs with as little as XX minutes. I do it so that if time travel becomes a thing I won't bump into my past self"  [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1943798714725724631) 2025-07-11 22:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 116.2K engagements "For the past XX years I've gone on long walks with my dog. It's the best thing I ever did as I used to be overweight & now I'm not. Problem is my dog is now not able to walk very far & I've started to gain weight again. I've started walking without him & feel like I'm cheating"  [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1947573590573945019) 2025-07-22 08:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 303.3K engagements "I eat stock cubes. You can't have more than one because they're so salty but they're properly delicious. Don't tell me you've not tried it"  [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1945535154807574762) 2025-07-16 17:25:01 UTC 1.1M followers, 160.5K engagements "I live at my parents' house and my girlfriend lives with her parents we stay at hers for the majority of the week sometimes I just lie that I'm busy just to have a night away. Phone goes on airplane mode for a few hours"  [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1947784980504989992) 2025-07-22 22:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 129.7K engagements "When I was homeless I pretended to be a mental nutcase so I'd get sectioned. Got a free roof over my head three meals a day and unlimited showers"  [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1942922950220390809) 2025-07-09 12:25:03 UTC 1.1M followers, 282.5K engagements "I'm always one of the last to leave a festival. I collect the abandoned tents. I keep and resell enough to cover most of my costs. I donate some too"  [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1943315530967887996) 2025-07-10 14:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 304.2K engagements "Went on a date with a guy to a restaurant where we had Sunday Roast. While we were ordering our food he asked for no roast potatoes because he doesn't like them. Who the fuck on this unholy planet doesn't like roast potatoes Dumped afterwards"  [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1945761648133705947) 2025-07-17 08:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 483.1K engagements "I've talked to myself for as long as I can remember. Used to hide it so people wouldn't think I was weird. Now I wear AirPods everywhere and they just assume I'm a workaholic on nonstop calls. Way better than "that unhinged person who won't shut up.""  [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1946290130764882242) 2025-07-18 19:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 122.8K engagements "In the 90s I used to go into the local newsagent as a frustrated teen to buy Motor Cycle News every week. Inside I'd stuff a copy of Razzle Escort or Fiesta wave it at the shopkeeper pay the price for the MCN and leave. I'm sorry for the regular theft but needs must"  [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1944674487347159546) 2025-07-14 08:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 115.7K engagements "My friend talks all the time about getting an otter won't listen to reason that it's a terrible idea. She can't afford an enclosure and keeps saying it'll be like a cat. There's no convincing her otherwise. It's incredibly frustrating and I'm ready to end the friendship over it"  [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1946622319692046801) 2025-07-19 17:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 232.7K engagements "I see a lot of CVs and cover letters in my job. It gives me great satisfaction to reject applicants who are blatantly using AI to write it for them"  [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1946577020051128733) 2025-07-19 14:25:01 UTC 1.1M followers, 123.8K engagements "Went to dentist recently and they x-rayed my teeth for the first time. For some reason I was happy because now I can be identified should authorities need to if I die in gruesome circumstances"  [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1943677928698417256) 2025-07-11 14:25:04 UTC 1.1M followers, 110.2K engagements "First visit to the local pub in a new area I was discreetly informed not to sit in a regular's "spot". I deliberately sit in it every single time I see it open & enjoy his passive aggressive stares. He doesn't own it. If he'd like to try & tell me he does he can do it himself"  [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1946229734498582848) 2025-07-18 15:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 437.1K engagements "When I get breakfast from a popular fast food outlet I order a cheese and egg muffin and a sausage and egg muffin so they don't think they're are both for me"  [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1944357398224761328) 2025-07-13 11:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 134.3K engagements "My girlfriend puts on an unholy amount of lip balm. I hate how it feels on my lips so every time she gives me a kiss I have to wipe the lip balm off. I feel so guilty every time as it feels like I'm wiping away her love"  [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1948086969411473697) 2025-07-23 18:25:01 UTC 1.1M followers, 145.5K engagements "My wife got drunk last night. Unrelated to this we had a huge row. I knew she wouldn't remember it today. I had to look at her phone this morning to turn her alarm off & saw she'd sent herself a message reminding herself about the row. I deleted the message before she woke up"  [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1945912642771525759) 2025-07-17 18:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 333.4K engagements "I am a head teacher of English and though I love books and reading I absolutely despise the syllabus I am forced to teach but have to pretend that I agree with it. It's utter utter bollocks; no wonder so many young people hate reading"  [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1945806959640211530) 2025-07-17 11:25:05 UTC 1.1M followers, 152.6K engagements "I work in "adult entertainment" it's actually really boring. I'm in an admin team and part of my job is managing a spreadsheet of hotels/airbnb's that we've used and which staff/performers have been kicked out of them when caught filming scenes"  [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1941881082762203612) 2025-07-06 15:25:03 UTC 1.1M followers, 276.2K engagements "I spent 1400 on a Herman Miller Aeron and am regretting it. The quality is no better than a modern XXX chair; the lumbar support isn't sufficient the mesh base is hard and causing pressure pain you can feel where the edges if the injection moulds where on the foam armrests"  [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1943224932713795915) 2025-07-10 08:25:01 UTC 1.1M followers, 179.9K engagements "I work in a small supermarket in a very Tory village. Whenever people are rude to me I always add a charity donation onto their total usually X. Guess whose branch has the highest total charity donation in our area"  [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1948117172191965531) 2025-07-23 20:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 209.7K engagements "In the heat wave I had the small bathroom window open. Whilst standing about to wee I looked out the window and saw my neighbour looking me directly in the eye. Couldn't go after that. Might have to move too"  [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1947226306183151768) 2025-07-21 09:25:03 UTC 1.1M followers, 100.7K engagements "Back in the day I got so sick of my misogynist coworker flaunting his daily "Not For Girls" Yorkie bar that I stole it ate it and replaced it with a KitKat Chunky in the wrapper. The look of horror when he opened it was worth every second I spent working with that prick"  [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1940778822837714993) 2025-07-03 14:25:03 UTC 1.1M followers, 186.5K engagements "Worked in Asda walked up to a gent struggling with his basket and asked if he needed a hand. He paused lifted his arm and showed me his stump. He cracked a smile and said "yeah mate I could". XX years later I still cringe at the thought. I didn't notice"  [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1948071870818816065) 2025-07-23 17:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 194.7K engagements "I have a small tech business with a mate. Years ago we bought loads of .com names in the hope one of them one day would be worth . He phoned me excitedly the other day to say we've been offered 80k for one of them. How do I tell him I forgot to renew it X years ago"  [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1946969608419729825) 2025-07-20 16:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 523.9K engagements "In Marks. A mum was shouting at a worker for no reason. Her kid was a few feet away singing under his breath badly. Told the kid I was a music teacher and he was great but needed to be louder. He was so happy. And loud. Feel terrible I manipulated him to annoy his mum"  [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1943964810682552727) 2025-07-12 09:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 164.9K engagements "Dripped acid before meeting friends at Legoland. Thought I arrived first called them 'this is amazing everything is made of bricks flowers people even the bins'. They asked where I was in the park. I was in the car park"  [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1945957942336864747) 2025-07-17 21:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 176.9K engagements "I regularly buy a dozen bottles of Badger Ale and X packs of mushrooms at my local supermarket. I put them on the conveyor belt in that order hoping the cashier will burst into song as they put them through the till but they never do"  [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1941156310151573624) 2025-07-04 15:25:03 UTC 1.1M followers, 538.4K engagements "I created an instance for sharing photos on Fediverse. I invited my family to join my instance. No one came. I begged. No answer. I'm going to the lawyer to make a will leaving all my family assets to my partner. I don't want any more contact with my family. This is not a joke"  [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1943209834121232417) 2025-07-10 07:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 186.5K engagements "When I was a kid I caught a butterfly and deliberately made sure it got stuck in a big spider web just so that I could watch the spider capture it. It was fascinating. But soon afterwards I regretted murdering an innocent butterfly. XX years on I still regret it. I'm sorry"  [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1943572221554766301) 2025-07-11 07:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 156.6K engagements "Interviewed an XX year old lad yesterday who smuggly made a point he was going to the opening night of Oasis at Wembley. He wasn't even a twinkle in his dad's eye during their heyday. I'm not going because of kids like this jumping on the bandwagon so he's not getting the job"  [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1940461725263765564) 2025-07-02 17:25:01 UTC 1.1M followers, 874.3K engagements "My s/o's parents treat us like kids in our 20's. I secretly love it. They play games with us/do fun activities. My s/o hates it. We had very different childhoods. Mine isn't something fond I look back on. When his parents treat me like a kid I feel important and special again"  [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1944085605240950995) 2025-07-12 17:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 243.5K engagements "Son is football mad. Obsessed with turning pro. However he's objectively one of the shittest players I've ever seen and at some point in next year I need to have a talk with him about school and his future career path. Until then I'll keep acting as if he's Pele reincarnated"  [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1942560555077660896) 2025-07-08 12:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 1.1M engagements "Just taken a mint condition high-quality 1080p TV to the recycling centre because we literally couldn't give it away. Future historians will write about stuff like this"  [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1947045113739309165) 2025-07-20 21:25:04 UTC 1.1M followers, 325.8K engagements "I prefer the microwave for making tea. I put the tea in a mug of cold water and microwave everything until boiling. I have a kettle on the kitchen counter to allay suspicion but the kettle has not worked since 2011"  [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1941835784857821602) 2025-07-06 12:25:03 UTC 1.1M followers, 160.6K engagements "I travel a lot for my job and stay in a lot of hotels. I usually try and find a nice bar nearby for a few drinks but I don't like the thought that people think I'm drinking alone. I always buy a small wine and place it in a seat opposite Then they just think I've been stood up"  [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1947996379835400588) 2025-07-23 12:25:03 UTC 1.1M followers, 111.2K engagements "I'm a supermarket delivery driver by no means am I strong but I can still easily lift up to 40kg. The job is a real eye opener into how weak the public is. Barely able to carry a single tray after I've just carried two especially the ones that look like they go to the gym"  [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1944870777523708037) 2025-07-14 21:25:01 UTC 1.1M followers, 331.3K engagements "I used to attend the local park run every week but go so fed up listening to people going on about their injuries and new trainers and "shaving off another X seconds" that I gave up. I'm X stone heavier now but happier"  [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1942847446851125448) 2025-07-09 07:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 134.3K engagements "When my partner does the weekly shop I pretend to act all excited about the goodies when unpacking but actually there are no surprises at all because I've already gone through the receipt on the app"  [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1946169342661419153) 2025-07-18 11:25:04 UTC 1.1M followers, 111.6K engagements "I'm a plumber when working under sinks I often take a spare washing up bottle or bleach bottle with me if there's more than one in the cabinet I see it as a little tip"  [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1946335430246277200) 2025-07-18 22:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 144.4K engagements "My wife always wants our baby to completely finish the bottle of expressed breast milk and gets upset even if only a few drops are left. To stop any grief if feeding and the bottle is not quite finished I just drink it myself"  [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1947664183799009666) 2025-07-22 14:25:01 UTC 1.1M followers, 137.9K engagements "I found out my bf was cheating on me so while I was trying to move out one morning I peed in a jug and poured some into his XX bottles of expensive whisky. As far as I know he's still drinking them. My friends and I now call it pissky"  [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1930375267123392732) 2025-06-04 21:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 289.4K engagements "Cocky boss sent an email to the everyone with a code breaking puzzle in it saying anyone who can solve it can have a month off work at his villa. Nobody could solve it & he was confidently cocky nobody would. I fed the code to ChatGPT & won the month off much to his annoyance"  [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1944100706681577855) 2025-07-12 18:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 600K engagements "Imagine if Fesshole ran out of confessions. Prevent it by sharing yours here:"  [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1943988715417702472) 2025-07-12 11:00:01 UTC 1.1M followers, 81.8K engagements "I listen to "I'm A Ram" by Al Green when I start my X km runs. Perfect tempo to get it done in under XX mins. That's not the fess. I'm having an affair with the cleaner"  [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1946139142443647108) 2025-07-18 09:25:03 UTC 1.1M followers, 127.8K engagements "In the woods in 2002 XX years old. Found an empty bag of crisps with a 1992 sell by date. Amazed we imagined the consumer eating them as though in another world. XX years passing just doesn't feel the same now I'm older"  [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1945580454716776891) 2025-07-16 20:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 129K engagements "My neighbour used to throw his dog crap into our garden.They started going away on two week cruises on a regular basis. The day they left I would go round and turn on his outside tap and leave it running. I'd turn it off when they were due back. They were on a water meter"  [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1947588691364291005) 2025-07-22 09:25:03 UTC 1.1M followers, 280.2K engagements "Hired a car from a horrible company that added extra charges. My daughter accidentally knocked into it with the brake lever of her bike leaving a scratch in the paintwork. I melted a choc ice over the scratch - the mix of white and brown looked just like bird shit. It worked"  [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1947694383697961004) 2025-07-22 16:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 119.2K engagements "I was milk monitor in 1978. We'd learned about birds breaking through the foil tops to eat the cream. I wheeled the crate of milk into the yard to see if our local birds would do it. They did. The milk was poured away. We all celebrated that day as everyone hated warm milk"  [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1940446626176188772) 2025-07-02 16:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 120.6K engagements "Got an email from Google that my storage space was XX% full and I should buy more for X a month. Spent the last week deleting XX years of emails files & attachments. I've now got tennis elbow my right thumb is agony but down to X% storage space used - I have defeated Google"  [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1944342302136090930) 2025-07-13 10:25:03 UTC 1.1M followers, 361.6K engagements "I was bullied badly at school and the main perpetrator now has a landscape gardening company. Every X months or so I'll have a look on Rightmove for a really big vacant house that's miles away from him and phone him to come over for a quote on a load of work"  [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1944493291187130505) 2025-07-13 20:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 524.2K engagements "I'm an inflight manager for a big airline. When passengers bring chocolates for the crew in hope of an upgrade. I don't upgrade and take the chocolates home. Don't even share with the crew. Thanks"  [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1944010107299176510) 2025-07-12 12:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 145.7K engagements "Must be getting old. Had an unexpected free evening with no wife and kids in the house and instead of settling in for a wank I spent it sharpening my kitchen knives"  [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1944115803181236505) 2025-07-12 19:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 163.4K engagements "Both my brother and sister got caught shoplifting as kids. I was therefore seen as the morally superior one. Truth is I was a much better thief than them - took loads and never got caught"  [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1944447993572118875) 2025-07-13 17:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 146.2K engagements "I have a rare blood type which the wife has recently discovered. Keeps calling me a selfish cunt for not donating. What she hasn't discovered is the copious amounts of Tren I'm on"  [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1948011480252588222) 2025-07-23 13:25:03 UTC 1.1M followers, 455.3K engagements "When I was a kid one birthday I asked for a telescope so I could look into space. However most of the time I just used it to watch porn on the TV of the neighbour across the road"  [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1943949710550605924) 2025-07-12 08:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 118.4K engagements "I've worked on checkouts most of my adult life. I found out early on that if a barcode doesn't scan the easiest way to deal with that is just to pretend it did and carry on. I've probably cost my employers hundreds over the years"  [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1938876281011019974) 2025-06-28 08:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 281.2K engagements "I work in Comms and my strength has always been writing which I love. Everyone in the team uses AI for it now which I resisted so I'm getting a rep for not wanting to move with the times. I've been gently told to start using it so I did today. I'm only XX and it saps my soul"  [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1941760283162083373) 2025-07-06 07:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 233.8K engagements "Was seeing a much younger woman. Predictable story: Gym personal trainer her now having his baby. Never saw it nor him for that matter coming. Complete shock. I'm paid a fortune to manage future risk for a global organisation. I feel a total fraud and that I should resign"  [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1946259932925317599) 2025-07-18 17:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 195.6K engagements "My wife's dressmaking scissors are the only things strong enough to cut my toenails. She must never know"  [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1942877645957423423) 2025-07-09 09:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 125.5K engagements "I sometimes buy a peperami and chew the plastic sleeve as a savoury chewing gum"  [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1945384160324968549) 2025-07-16 07:25:01 UTC 1.1M followers, 105.8K engagements "I usually follow a controlled calorie diet at home. On holiday now with my husband we're having a 'treat' of X ice cream daily. I've been sneaking out in the morning and evening and I'm averaging about X a day of the big Cornetto XXL ones that we can't get back at home. Worth it"  [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1943300435374174339) 2025-07-10 13:25:03 UTC 1.1M followers, 120.7K engagements "I've been pissing out of my window for the best part of X years now . My neighbour recently mentioned the moss now beginning to florish beneath it"  [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1944704691935289766) 2025-07-14 10:25:04 UTC 1.1M followers, 117.1K engagements "I buy packets of wild flower seeds and sprinkle them in public places where they'll grow. I know it's a bit naughty but I feel that the flowers thar aren't domesticated need a chance too"  [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1944855680113942605) 2025-07-14 20:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 179.1K engagements "I hate getting presents. Admittedly I'm a hard person to buy for but that's because I just don't want more things"  [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1943753416561373525) 2025-07-11 19:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 127.6K engagements "Having moved to a sleepy English village I joined the local amateur dramatics group to make friends and meet new people. At XX I'm the youngest by XX years. They're biggest gang of coke fiends I've ever met. I was genuinely shocked"  [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1942590754695635146) 2025-07-08 14:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 368.1K engagements "Being forced back to the office by our nobbish CEO who believes you're only working if you're in the office. Not bothered by the returning bit; genuinely concerned that I'm going to forget where I am fire up some porn and start knocking one out at my desk"  [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1945882446974660715) 2025-07-17 16:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 162.6K engagements "Every Thursday night I play D&D online with my friends. My wife and daughter leave me to it and don't disturb me. The past couple weeks the game has been cancelled but I've still told them I'm playing so that I get peace and quiet. I love them but everyone needs time alone"  [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1944146005089300952) 2025-07-12 21:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 149.9K engagements "Whenever I stay in Airbnb I log onto the wireless router and add a new wireless channel called "Hugh G. Rection". I then change the admin password to lock the router. Always amuses me to see my new wireless network broadcast for all to see. Hope new guests appreciate my work"  [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1943708118422073850) 2025-07-11 16:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 219K engagements "My GF thinks I'm cheating. As got way better in bed recently. The truth is I started paying attention when she climaxed. Now have a Google Docs about it. I have formulas for oral and positions. But can't tell her as assume she'd sew herself shut after shagging such a nerd"  [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1947603794432323737) 2025-07-22 10:25:03 UTC 1.1M followers, 261K engagements "On call 1.30am and got yelled at for taking ages to get there. I was there within the hour. He was a grumpy bastard and moaned all the time I was there. 10k piece jigsaw on his table. Fixed his leak walked out with a jigsaw piece in my pocket. He was a twat"  [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1946561922217746914) 2025-07-19 13:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 326.6K engagements "Bloke invited me to dinner on his yacht. When I needed the loo his valet showed me the way and quietly warned me bloke was married. Tray of pricey cosmetics in the bathroom so I left my Rimmel lipstick on it and made my excuses. Wonder how long it took for his wife to find it"  [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1947347095624524113) 2025-07-21 17:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 335.7K engagements "Inspired by Richard Herring I have been shoplifting Pick'n'Mix sweeties for a decade now. Like him I've never been caught. You can get away with all sorts of nonsense as a late middle aged white man"  [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1943602420589748629) 2025-07-11 09:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 107K engagements "I was having my Friday night skinful at home when I let out a silent fart & shit myself sat next to my wife. I managed to get upstairs empty my bowels into the bath wash myself clean the bath get changed & put the shitty clothes on to wash without her realising what I'd done"  [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1941896178599100812) 2025-07-06 16:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 256.3K engagements "When digitising VHS horseracing tapes for a lady who's husband is in a care home and wants to watch them on a laptop. She said he watched them late at night. When I began "Racing Year 1988" I was surprised to see the opening titles of "Big Boob Bangeroo 22". Dirty old bugger"  [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1941488491398881346) 2025-07-05 13:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 182.3K engagements "When I meet new people I mention that the moon landings were fake. It's a great litmus test for finding out who's going to be a prick if you end up having a difference of opinion later on. Try it - works every time"  [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1944387600279585017) 2025-07-13 13:25:03 UTC 1.1M followers, 266.9K engagements "Went on a business trip to Scotland a while ago. When I got there I called my wife from the hotel room to ask her if Orinj our cat was missing. She said yes & our daughter is looking for her. I said don't bother here's here in Scotland with me. The dumbarse got into my bag"  [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1938604489516167269) 2025-06-27 14:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 2M engagements "If I find myself with a shy bladder in a public loo I silently recite the poem "Zen & the Art of Going to the Lavatory" seen in the graphics of the TV series "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy". Never fails to unblock me. Thanks Douglas"  [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1944130903736713712) 2025-07-12 20:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 127.5K engagements "My GF looks like a famous actress she will get 'recognised' weekly. There's a photo of her in a local restaurant with the staff after we ate there. I must be letting myself go I've started to hear people mutter 'she can't be going out with him' or 'maybe he's just a friend'"  [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1945202968380248446) 2025-07-15 19:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 200.5K engagements "Read a fess months ago about someone apologising to past lovers for not shampooing their pubic hair. Never knew this was even a thing so thought I would try it. Just got denied head because of the smell and taste of Head & Shoulders downstairs. Can't win"  [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1944372495953313913) 2025-07-13 12:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 171.9K engagements "Every time I get McDonald's for me & the Mrs I get an extra mayo chicken eat it on the drive back home and litter the wrapper out of the car window so there is no evidence. Been doing it for years now"  [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1945036872247341186) 2025-07-15 08:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 247K engagements "The other day I came home drunk and had diarrhea I didn't have time to get to the bathroom and I did it on the way leaving the living room a mess. This morning I said it was the dog we are going to take him to the vet"  [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1943058840934613399) 2025-07-09 21:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 180.2K engagements "Broke up with a guy because he kept going on about the cereal cafe that opened up then when we finally went he ordered Frosties"  [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1944734890416648415) 2025-07-14 12:25:03 UTC 1.1M followers, 254.2K engagements "Middle-class parents organising custom plates and framed class portrait art for teachers at end of year need to get a grip. Your kid is one 1000s they will deal with in their working life. If you must booze and chocolate or even better cold hard cash"  [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1947558489045213683) 2025-07-22 07:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 217.7K engagements "Cooked for the girlfriend and her family a few years ago. Not a good cook. Found a nice chicken pasta dish online. Did not know the difference between a bulb and clove of garlic. Used two bulbs. House stank for days and I'm banned from cooking ever since. Win"  [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1946154241241829808) 2025-07-18 10:25:03 UTC 1.1M followers, 167.7K engagements "I live abroad and there are many things I love when I come home to visit. Fish and chips a collared dove's call apologising profusely. But what I love most is checking my XX yr old dad's Viagra prescription is up to date. Can confirm today that it is. There is hope for me yet"  [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1943406128932540633) 2025-07-10 20:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 115.7K engagements "I'm a midwife. We keep a staff room chart of whether curtains match carpets (we also try to predict when they come onto the delivery ward). Probably not surprising number of gingers who bleach or dye their hair - but was shocked by platinum blonde last week who genuinely was"  [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1943360828868018369) 2025-07-10 17:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 422.6K engagements "Noticed in remote Teams meetings that a lot of colleagues use custom backgrounds in their camera feeds instead of showing their real house behind them. So I've started using a background photo of my actual home office that's actually behind me"  [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1944780181240959246) 2025-07-14 15:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 282.1K engagements "A fly flew into our car when I was a kid in Cheshire and I didn't let it out until we got to Devon. And I always wondered if it felt lost and knew it was somewhere new I still think about that fly and I'm now XX years old"  [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1943421226161930585) 2025-07-10 21:25:01 UTC 1.1M followers, 226.8K engagements "The boringest fess: I often iron things that don't need it simply to extend my alone time with the iron and watching 90s Star Trek"  [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1946954507499290753) 2025-07-20 15:25:01 UTC 1.1M followers, 131.3K engagements "Went to the pub for the first time at XX & stayed quite late. The landlord locked the doors at some point & said it's a "lock-in". Not being familiar with what this was I believed I was in a hostage situation & nearly shat myself until one of the other guys explained it to me"  [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1945776758596243958) 2025-07-17 09:25:04 UTC 1.1M followers, 461K engagements "Not my fess but can't really tell anyone else - my uncle was a vicar and confessed to the family on his deathbed that he had lost his faith decades ago and just carried on for the money and job security. Wondered ever since how common this"  [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1942228367702393038) 2025-07-07 14:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 438.3K engagements "Wife picked our daughter's name when she was born - Saila. I've held it in for XX years until the first time she came home drunk this weekend and I got to sing what shall we do with a drunken sailor at her. Then she threw up on my wife's slippers. It was worth the wait"  [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1945444563872616864) 2025-07-16 11:25:03 UTC 1.1M followers, 1.3M engagements "My partner beasted one of the girls at a coffeeshop I've been a regular at for years for the heinous crime of bringing them cake with a spoon instead of a fork. Made me wonder if my blissful coffeeshop routine meant more to me than my marriage"  [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1947649085751648764) 2025-07-22 13:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 150.4K engagements "Mum's been in an urn on the dining room floor for X years. Every birthday and Christmas I chop out a line of her with my coke. It's grief ritual madness. She's getting lighter. So am I"  [@fesshole](/creator/x/fesshole) on [X](/post/tweet/1945822048627937567) 2025-07-17 12:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 405.7K engagements
[GUEST ACCESS MODE: Data is scrambled or limited to provide examples. Make requests using your API key to unlock full data. Check https://lunarcrush.ai/auth for authentication information.]
@fesshole Fesshole🧻
Fesshole🧻 posts on X about told, toilet, has been, fed the most. They currently have XXXXXXXXX followers and 4920 posts still getting attention that total XXXXXXX engagements in the last XX hours.
Engagements: XXXXXXX #
- X Week XXXXXXXXXX -XXXX%
- X Month XXXXXXXXXX +47%
- X Months XXXXXXXXXXX -XX%
- X Year XXXXXXXXXXX -XX%
Mentions: XXX #
- X Week XXX -XX%
- X Month XXX +62%
- X Months XXXXX +8.60%
- X Year XXXXX -XX%
Followers: XXXXXXXXX #
- X Week XXXXXXXXX +0.02%
- X Month XXXXXXXXX +0.12%
- X Months XXXXXXXXX -XXXX%
- X Year XXXXXXXXX -XXXX%
CreatorRank: XXXXXX #
Social Influence #
Social category influence stocks technology brands finance countries travel destinations gaming celebrities musicians
Social topic influence told #149, toilet #496, has been #2194, fed, porn, im a #132, finance, bin #290, ritual #293, bits
Top assets mentioned Alphabet Inc Class A (GOOGL) Nokia Corporation (NOK) CVS Health Corp (CVS)
Top Social Posts #
Top posts by engagements in the last XX hours
"My finance and I wanted the church to play Zadok the Priest on our wedding day. I asked my best man to arrange it. Seems he got confused and we ended up walking down the aisle to Zorba the Greek. I privately thought I was an improvement"
@fesshole on X 2025-07-17 14:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 173.9K engagements
"I have done lots of project management type jobs in my life and like to tell my wife I'm project managing her house work etc. Using all the management speech gibberish of a true twat for my entertainment. One day she may kill me in my sleep and I'll deserve it" @fesshole on X 2025-07-23 11:25:03 UTC 1.1M followers, 97.1K engagements
"I watch how world leaders successfully deal with Trump: flattery for his vanity a tiny bit of pushback for his victimhood. I've started using the same tactics on my ex and tbh it's made life so much easier. Thank you President Trump" @fesshole on X 2025-07-21 18:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 105.4K engagements
"Got something to admit Head here to fess up:" @fesshole on X 2025-07-16 11:00:01 UTC 1.1M followers, 75.9K engagements
"Teacher. As I say goodbye to another year of children my fess is that I'm quitting teaching. One child has been held back a year he's the worst child I have ever taught in my XX years of teaching. Simply can't deal with him for another year" @fesshole on X 2025-07-18 14:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 335.5K engagements
"I'm severely Lactose Intolerant if my wife or kids wants me to do something and I really can't be arsed I drink a glass of milk and have the shits for about two hours the amount of times I've gotten out of going to the in-laws is quite a feat" @fesshole on X 2025-07-20 10:25:04 UTC 1.1M followers, 154K engagements
"When I was a kid a pair of dolphins saved my life but my parents never believed me. On holiday in Australia. I was snorkelling in the ocean & realised too late that a shark was coming towards me. Suddenly two dolphins rammed the shark giving me time to swim back to the boat" @fesshole on X 2025-07-21 07:25:01 UTC 1.1M followers, 302.2K engagements
"My partner meets a lot of celebrities through her job. If it turns out they are horrible in real life then I go and rate all their films on IMDb as one star" @fesshole on X 2025-07-21 22:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 129.7K engagements
"My cat Muffin loves earwax. She sucks it off my pinky like a weird little bonding ritual. Now she raids the bathroom bin for used cotton buds and sucks them like earwax lollipops. I've created a monster. A deeply affectionate disgusting monster" @fesshole on X 2025-07-17 13:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 99K engagements
"Picked up a bottle of Coke Zero and put it back again as it had the name of a bloke that my missus shagged before me" @fesshole on X 2025-07-17 07:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 173.8K engagements
"Used to be in bands. Guitarist in one of them had a girlfriend who knew Sharon Osbourne and was offering to connect us. Exciting. Said we needed an 'image' first though. We were X scruffy stoners imitating Mogwai. That was our image. Safe to say that went absolutely nowhere" @fesshole on X 2025-07-23 10:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 108.5K engagements
"I've got human remains in my shed. It's bits of a skeleton my grandad had as a medical student in the 1930s. I need to get rid of it but where I can't take it down the tip without looking like Fred West" @fesshole on X 2025-07-08 20:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 480.7K engagements
"I told my late best friend's wife what song he wanted playing at his funeral. It wasn't his song it was mine. Just thought what an opportunity for a trial run" @fesshole on X 2025-07-19 16:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 143.8K engagements
"Sitting in my local Greggs with a sarnie and coffee there's always entertainment to be had in counting the number of thieves who openly nick their lunch and stroll out. The staff don't give a fuck" @fesshole on X 2025-07-06 08:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 177.9K engagements
"Finance department are being power hungry ego-trip complete twats about spending money even when it's bloomin obvious it's absolutely required. Asa result I have now made it my life's work to legitimately spend as much of the company's money as possible" @fesshole on X 2025-07-11 13:25:03 UTC 1.1M followers, 90.9K engagements
"I lost my sight two years ago. Mostly I'm okay with being blind. I've adapted well. I am very independent and have found new ways to "see" the world. But there's four things I miss seeing more than anything. My three children's faces. And the stars at night" @fesshole on X 2025-07-20 18:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 544K engagements
"I go to London once a fortnight from Sheffield. I tell people it's to meet a new girlfriend. In reality it's to make progress on visiting every tube station. I haven't had a girlfriend for years" @fesshole on X 2025-07-15 15:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 314.3K engagements
"I always win the competition to get the last bit of toothpaste out of the tube meaning that the wife is always the one to open a new tube. She is not aware of my secret tube under the basin" @fesshole on X 2025-07-11 21:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 119.3K engagements
"I email random strangers who are in positions of power with my unfiltered thoughts on their ability to bring change to those who aren't in that position. Occasionally it works and brings institutional change. If you have strong feelings you should try it" @fesshole on X 2025-07-09 11:25:03 UTC 1.1M followers, 129.4K engagements
"When the headmaster solemnly announced in assembly that Martin had died in a car crash all my mates looked at me. The previous day I had written 'I wish that Martin would be killed' in my exercise book; despite further requests I never used the book again" @fesshole on X 2025-07-19 22:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 168.6K engagements
"I've never had more attention from the ladies in my entire life than the day I stood in the middle of the dancefloor in the main marquee at Perth Horse Races holding a massive bag of chips. Can thoroughly recommend" @fesshole on X 2025-07-23 09:25:03 UTC 1.1M followers, 181.5K engagements
"I'm Romanian some years ago I went on a date with a guy who did nothing but complain about foreigners "but it's okay because you're one of the good ones." Deliberately put him on the wrong tram home for being a racist twat" @fesshole on X 2025-07-08 07:25:01 UTC 1.1M followers, 197.1K engagements
"When interviewing candidates for an IT support job in the 2010s I used to ask which member of The A Team they would be and why. If anyone said Face they were automatically ruled out of the role. Face is a dick" @fesshole on X 2025-07-12 16:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 140.1K engagements
"My husband has his own pissing song he sings on a morning - it goes "pissing in the toilet pissing in the sea pissing in the river pissing is for me" it drives me mad but this morning I found myself humming it" @fesshole on X 2025-06-12 22:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 187.4K engagements
"Husband refuses to do any financial admin: booking plane tickets or hotels grocery deliveries travel insurance any online purchases. So I do it all via a cashback app and keep that cash for myself. Finder's fee I think" @fesshole on X 2025-07-20 19:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 190.4K engagements
"Fed up being the only person who empties the bins and clears the recycling from the bathroom. Refusing to do it now. Our bedroom bin is overflowing and we're up to about X loo roll tubes in the bathroom so far. I'm not giving in. Someone else can deal with it for a change" @fesshole on X 2025-07-03 16:25:03 UTC 1.1M followers, 183K engagements
"Was getting the tube back from a fancy dress party. 6am hadn't slept was dressed as a Catholic priest. Woman came up to me and asked me to pray for her. Muttered some made up Latin. Think I got away with it" @fesshole on X 2025-07-16 08:25:01 UTC 1.1M followers, 214.6K engagements
"My ex-girlfriend offered me a threesome but I turned it down because I didn't fancy her friend Lauren. But she didn't mean that Lauren. She meant another Lauren. Other Lauren was absolutely beautiful. I think about this mistake most days. It haunts me" @fesshole on X 2025-07-03 20:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 321.6K engagements
"I had some liquorice tea on a Tesco delivery. Somehow during the conversation with the delivery guy he thought I created new teas as a profession. Rather than correct him he was fascinated to learn from me the process you have to go through in creating new teas. Pure BS" @fesshole on X 2025-07-22 17:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 103.8K engagements
"Runner here if you see a runner with one sock on or no socks. They used them to wipe their arse" @fesshole on X 2025-07-21 15:25:03 UTC 1.1M followers, 144.1K engagements
"My husband has to have the telly on an even number. When he's not looking or if I'm on my own I put it on an odd number. Preferably XX if I can get away with it" @fesshole on X 2025-07-21 12:25:03 UTC 1.1M followers, 129K engagements
"My husband always buys me a box of Maltesers every birthday and Christmas because they're my favourite. They're not my favourite. Minstrels are but I don't have the heart to tell him after XX years of marriage" @fesshole on X 2025-07-15 07:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 130.8K engagements
"My wife never knew her dad but always dreamt of finding him so he could give her away at her wedding. I decided to track him down as a surprise for her. I found him serving life in prison for murder. Decided not to tell her. She still doesn't know. Not sure if I should tell her" @fesshole on X 2025-07-13 22:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 532.5K engagements
"I'm being crushed by the unexpected weight of responsibility for naming our soon to arrive first born. We're supposed to write a list each but all I have on mine is Super Hans and Bobson Dugnutt" @fesshole on X 2025-07-08 16:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 160.9K engagements
"When I was XX i was the obsessed with the Sims X. I made a save where it was me and my mum living in a house. Being oblivious to the implications I showed my dad the house I built and the children we had together in the game. I still find it hard to live with myself" @fesshole on X 2025-07-15 12:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 372.5K engagements
"TV doctor & IVF pioneer Professor Robert Winston is responsible for adversely affecting my sex life. Years ago my wife and I were watching one of his programmes when he stated "sperm is XX days old when ejaculated". After that she stopped performing a certain act" @fesshole on X 2025-07-20 07:25:01 UTC 1.1M followers, 152.2K engagements
"Sometimes I fill the kettle a bit past the "Max" line. It's not actually illegal but at my age it's the closest I'm likely to get to a life of crime" @fesshole on X 2025-07-19 09:25:03 UTC 1.1M followers, 108.9K engagements
"The last stag do I went on we went to the strippers. I hate those places. Awful. The music was banging though. I spent the evening on Shazam and now I have new tunes to listen to. Can't tell my wife where I found them even though I was a good boy" @fesshole on X 2025-07-16 13:25:03 UTC 1.1M followers, 151.8K engagements
"In a nightclub toilet cubicle with a mate chopping one out. Door comes flying off it's hinges and giant apoplectic bouncer screams WTF ARE YOU DOING Quick as a flash i retort in my absolute campest: What does it look like big boy Bouncers spins on heels in disgust and goes" @fesshole on X 2025-07-16 16:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 385.9K engagements
"I really don't want to be with my girlfriend anymore but stay with her cos I love going for a pint with her dad and I don't want that to stop" @fesshole on X 2025-07-20 13:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 259.1K engagements
"My wife's gone away for a fortnight in the sun so I've decided to re-pave my patio; it'll give the neighbours something to talk about. Nosey cunts" @fesshole on X 2025-07-07 15:25:03 UTC 1.1M followers, 302.3K engagements
"I was riding my bike recently when a driver passed me too close and almost knocked me off. I waved my fist and he screeched to a halt and got out holding a baseball bat. I showed him the end of what I had up my sleeve and he drove off. Never been so glad to have my pump fall off" @fesshole on X 2025-07-11 20:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 256.5K engagements
"My ex once described my manhood as 'like a penis just smaller' something I laughed off at the time but XX years on and it still lives rent free in my head. Well played Jenn well played" @fesshole on X 2025-07-17 20:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 250.5K engagements
"Got a villa in Portugal I had decorated based on places I'd seen in porn right down to screenshots that needed to be cropped before I handed them over to the interior designer. Looks amazing / ridiculous but does really well on AirBnB" @fesshole on X 2025-07-09 17:25:03 UTC 1.1M followers, 146.3K engagements
"My wife and I both work from home. Apparently my singing Michael Jackson songs in the style of Alan Partridge is not conducive to her productivity" @fesshole on X 2025-07-17 15:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 145K engagements
"Not overweight but noticed that my wife is now regularly giving me the smallest potion when we have our family 'treat" meals. It's that more than our complete lack of physical intimacy for XX years that makes me think it's all coming to an end" @fesshole on X 2025-07-13 09:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 254.9K engagements
"Manage my elderly 78yr old mums finances. Queried an item on her bank statement saying 'Womanizer' thinking there had been some fraud. Turns out she has been spending 100s online buying vibrators" @fesshole on X 2025-07-19 21:25:01 UTC 1.1M followers, 162.7K engagements
"Recently had a new carpet fitted by a professional carpet fitter. I took all of the off cuts back that the carpenter was going to throw away. Am I ever going to need or use them Probably not. But the carpet guy can fuck off if he thinks he's having them for free. I paid for it" @fesshole on X 2025-07-14 22:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 171K engagements
"My partner has a few thousand followers on Insta but isn't any sort of influencer. Often they'll put a story talking to the camera like "hi guys update from me" and then waffle on about themselves for an hour like a celeb. Have to be supportive but it's unbearable cringe & I hate it" @fesshole on X 2025-07-18 07:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 389.8K engagements
"Everytime I lose a job I leave behind a hidden dairy based gift. For example a pint of milk in a box on a top shelf or a whole camembert in a wall cavity. It's great fun spending the notice period finding the best hidding place" @fesshole on X 2025-07-24 10:25:03 UTC 1.1M followers, 116.8K engagements
"During an innocent ticket mix-up an incredibly obnoxious train ticket inspector accused me of trying a particular ticket dodge that I wasn't aware was possible and which he described in detail. That twazzock has saved me hundreds and hundreds of quid in fares over the years" @fesshole on X 2025-07-15 14:25:03 UTC 1.1M followers, 1.6M engagements
"I am a Joiner. There are several tools that we will never tell anyone about in fear of them being able to do the majority of the work themselves. Here's three in my bid for forgiveness: Impact driver/Oscillating tool/SDS drill. Bonus: SDS chisel attachment. You're welcome" @fesshole on X 2025-07-19 19:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 260K engagements
"I am addicted to tracking my parcels. I get more enjoyment out of the tracking than the actual delivery. A prolonged customs clearance is a delight" @fesshole on X 2025-07-03 13:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 122.2K engagements
"Me and three mates send each other voice messages recording our farts and rate them out of ten walking dog today and decided to record a decent brew woman came round corner and clocked me with phone to my arse" @fesshole on X 2025-07-21 08:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 137.7K engagements
"I'm a pilot if I don't like the look of the passengers as they board I deliberately put the fasten seatbelt sign on mid flight so they can't get up and go to the toilet. I generally keep it on for 30-45 minutes depending on how long the flight is" @fesshole on X 2025-07-22 21:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 236.6K engagements
"English is my first language and I've finished all the lessons to be had on the language I wanted to learn on Duo lingo. I still do a lesson a day in English to keep my streak going. I don't really want to but I don't want to lose my streak" @fesshole on X 2025-07-13 19:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 126.2K engagements
"Our new family cat is called Alan. My wife and kids all think i suggested it as a solid/mildly comical name. What they don't know is I secretly named the cat after Alan Rickman in honour to his performance in Die Hard" @fesshole on X 2025-07-15 21:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 181.7K engagements
"I'm now called Jeremy B at the office because another Jeremy whose surname begins with the letter 'A' joined us last month. I've been there XX years and the demotion is humiliating" @fesshole on X 2025-07-15 22:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 246.8K engagements
"Wife made a joke about opening up the marriage and now I'm terrified as we both know she'd end up with loads of attention while I got none. So I've upped my husband game. Flowers date nights helping more around the house. There's a chance I've been played but I can't risk it" @fesshole on X 2025-06-30 15:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 512K engagements
"As a last act of defiance before leaving my job I handed in my notice and told nobody I was leaving then I acquired the most project work possible from people I disliked then left without telling them I'd done none of it" @fesshole on X 2025-07-24 12:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 282K engagements
"At a narrow bridge I noticed the car flashing me through had an reg ending in LBW. Rather than giving the standard hand raise of thanks I gave an umpire single finger "out" signal. They replied with a X runs arm wave. One of the greatest human interactions of my life" @fesshole on X 2025-06-23 21:25:03 UTC 1.1M followers, 912.1K engagements
"My friends complain that I've changed since I got married. They think my wife has a hold of me and doesn't let me hang out with them as much anymore. This isn't true. I deliberately choose to spend more time with our Springer Spaniel puppy than them" @fesshole on X 2025-07-07 11:25:01 UTC 1.1M followers, 177.5K engagements
"LEEDS FESSHOLE GIG - venue had sold out but we've just spoken to them and they can get in another ten by rearranging the seating. It's this thurs - so grab your tickets NOW" @fesshole on X 2025-07-21 13:01:01 UTC 1.1M followers, 75.3K engagements
"I threw all my dad's Oasis albums in the bin because if I had to listen to Champagne Supernova one more time I'd have been committed" @fesshole on X 2025-07-18 21:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 159.8K engagements
"Seen a few posts here about men "power hosing" stains off the toilet with their piss. I remember those days but now at XX I have a strong feeling that if I tried this with the added pressure I'd end up shitting myself" @fesshole on X 2025-07-11 10:25:01 UTC 1.1M followers, 152.9K engagements
"My GF thinks I really love our plants because I always offer to water them. Really it's because they're too close to my expensive TV and I don't trust her not to pour water on it as well as them" @fesshole on X 2025-07-11 17:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 106.5K engagements
"I play a game when going up the escalators that I HAVE to choose one person going the other way to sleep with. I'm a XX year old sweaty man" @fesshole on X 2025-07-19 15:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 115.1K engagements
"2 kids in the same school. Each subject teacher has two WhatsApp groups for each class: kids and parents and parents only. That's XX groups just for the school. Got myself a Nokia dumb phone. They can send me a photocopied piece of paper" @fesshole on X 2025-07-18 18:25:01 UTC 1.1M followers, 149.3K engagements
"Boss in a former job wanted to make me redundant. I half-jokingly said "okay but I know about you cheating on your wife". Before I could say "just kidding" the colour drained from his face. I wasn't made redundant" @fesshole on X 2025-07-12 11:25:03 UTC 1.1M followers, 770.8K engagements
"Not alcoholic just like beer as much as the next man/woman. However have developed an inordinate fondness for having a beer on the dog walk. Think it's partly managing to sneak a can out the house but there's nothing so grand as walking the golf course at dusk enjoying a beer" @fesshole on X 2025-07-13 07:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 306.2K engagements
"We used to hang around in "teen chat" websites with feminine-sounding handles and wait for creepy men to message us. We'd lead them on and eventually paste in some text making it look like the authorities were en route" @fesshole on X 2025-07-18 08:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 111.5K engagements
"When I was younger i watched an episode of the Simpsons where Homer eats a bunch of tulips. The scene made them look so tasty. So you can guess where this is going I took one out my neighbour's garden & bit the head off it. It tasted disgusting & had an earwig inside" @fesshole on X 2025-07-09 19:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 128.9K engagements
"Double glazing window bastards are bastards got some quotes a while back and Anglian call every X months without fail & post letters despite me telling them to fuck off and already having my windows done. I'm now using their SAEs to post bits of my old conservatory to them" @fesshole on X 2025-07-22 19:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 169.5K engagements
"My Dad worked at the Royal Mint each year he was presented with the years coins in a case. When I was XX and off on holiday I pillaged a few of those cases spending several collectible pounds on a pack of fags can't bring myself to look at what they might be worth now" @fesshole on X 2025-07-17 22:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 131.5K engagements
"I'm the bassist in a mildly successful indie band. I've never understood how to count time signatures. Never have and didn't make any sense to me when I tried to learn. Nobody has ever said I'm doing anything wrong anyway" @fesshole on X 2025-07-19 08:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 180.1K engagements
"Got off my face at a festival and told a girl I was a paramedic. Ended up helping the real paramedics carry someone on a stretcher. They thanked me. I said "just doing my job." I'm an estate agent" @fesshole on X 2025-07-22 20:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 377.8K engagements
"I'm always very sharp & specific with what I put in the calendar app on my phone. After an event happened I'll even go back and change the times to something if it differs with as little as XX minutes. I do it so that if time travel becomes a thing I won't bump into my past self" @fesshole on X 2025-07-11 22:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 116.2K engagements
"For the past XX years I've gone on long walks with my dog. It's the best thing I ever did as I used to be overweight & now I'm not. Problem is my dog is now not able to walk very far & I've started to gain weight again. I've started walking without him & feel like I'm cheating" @fesshole on X 2025-07-22 08:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 303.3K engagements
"I eat stock cubes. You can't have more than one because they're so salty but they're properly delicious. Don't tell me you've not tried it" @fesshole on X 2025-07-16 17:25:01 UTC 1.1M followers, 160.5K engagements
"I live at my parents' house and my girlfriend lives with her parents we stay at hers for the majority of the week sometimes I just lie that I'm busy just to have a night away. Phone goes on airplane mode for a few hours" @fesshole on X 2025-07-22 22:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 129.7K engagements
"When I was homeless I pretended to be a mental nutcase so I'd get sectioned. Got a free roof over my head three meals a day and unlimited showers" @fesshole on X 2025-07-09 12:25:03 UTC 1.1M followers, 282.5K engagements
"I'm always one of the last to leave a festival. I collect the abandoned tents. I keep and resell enough to cover most of my costs. I donate some too" @fesshole on X 2025-07-10 14:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 304.2K engagements
"Went on a date with a guy to a restaurant where we had Sunday Roast. While we were ordering our food he asked for no roast potatoes because he doesn't like them. Who the fuck on this unholy planet doesn't like roast potatoes Dumped afterwards" @fesshole on X 2025-07-17 08:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 483.1K engagements
"I've talked to myself for as long as I can remember. Used to hide it so people wouldn't think I was weird. Now I wear AirPods everywhere and they just assume I'm a workaholic on nonstop calls. Way better than "that unhinged person who won't shut up."" @fesshole on X 2025-07-18 19:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 122.8K engagements
"In the 90s I used to go into the local newsagent as a frustrated teen to buy Motor Cycle News every week. Inside I'd stuff a copy of Razzle Escort or Fiesta wave it at the shopkeeper pay the price for the MCN and leave. I'm sorry for the regular theft but needs must" @fesshole on X 2025-07-14 08:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 115.7K engagements
"My friend talks all the time about getting an otter won't listen to reason that it's a terrible idea. She can't afford an enclosure and keeps saying it'll be like a cat. There's no convincing her otherwise. It's incredibly frustrating and I'm ready to end the friendship over it" @fesshole on X 2025-07-19 17:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 232.7K engagements
"I see a lot of CVs and cover letters in my job. It gives me great satisfaction to reject applicants who are blatantly using AI to write it for them" @fesshole on X 2025-07-19 14:25:01 UTC 1.1M followers, 123.8K engagements
"Went to dentist recently and they x-rayed my teeth for the first time. For some reason I was happy because now I can be identified should authorities need to if I die in gruesome circumstances" @fesshole on X 2025-07-11 14:25:04 UTC 1.1M followers, 110.2K engagements
"First visit to the local pub in a new area I was discreetly informed not to sit in a regular's "spot". I deliberately sit in it every single time I see it open & enjoy his passive aggressive stares. He doesn't own it. If he'd like to try & tell me he does he can do it himself" @fesshole on X 2025-07-18 15:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 437.1K engagements
"When I get breakfast from a popular fast food outlet I order a cheese and egg muffin and a sausage and egg muffin so they don't think they're are both for me" @fesshole on X 2025-07-13 11:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 134.3K engagements
"My girlfriend puts on an unholy amount of lip balm. I hate how it feels on my lips so every time she gives me a kiss I have to wipe the lip balm off. I feel so guilty every time as it feels like I'm wiping away her love" @fesshole on X 2025-07-23 18:25:01 UTC 1.1M followers, 145.5K engagements
"My wife got drunk last night. Unrelated to this we had a huge row. I knew she wouldn't remember it today. I had to look at her phone this morning to turn her alarm off & saw she'd sent herself a message reminding herself about the row. I deleted the message before she woke up" @fesshole on X 2025-07-17 18:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 333.4K engagements
"I am a head teacher of English and though I love books and reading I absolutely despise the syllabus I am forced to teach but have to pretend that I agree with it. It's utter utter bollocks; no wonder so many young people hate reading" @fesshole on X 2025-07-17 11:25:05 UTC 1.1M followers, 152.6K engagements
"I work in "adult entertainment" it's actually really boring. I'm in an admin team and part of my job is managing a spreadsheet of hotels/airbnb's that we've used and which staff/performers have been kicked out of them when caught filming scenes" @fesshole on X 2025-07-06 15:25:03 UTC 1.1M followers, 276.2K engagements
"I spent 1400 on a Herman Miller Aeron and am regretting it. The quality is no better than a modern XXX chair; the lumbar support isn't sufficient the mesh base is hard and causing pressure pain you can feel where the edges if the injection moulds where on the foam armrests" @fesshole on X 2025-07-10 08:25:01 UTC 1.1M followers, 179.9K engagements
"I work in a small supermarket in a very Tory village. Whenever people are rude to me I always add a charity donation onto their total usually X. Guess whose branch has the highest total charity donation in our area" @fesshole on X 2025-07-23 20:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 209.7K engagements
"In the heat wave I had the small bathroom window open. Whilst standing about to wee I looked out the window and saw my neighbour looking me directly in the eye. Couldn't go after that. Might have to move too" @fesshole on X 2025-07-21 09:25:03 UTC 1.1M followers, 100.7K engagements
"Back in the day I got so sick of my misogynist coworker flaunting his daily "Not For Girls" Yorkie bar that I stole it ate it and replaced it with a KitKat Chunky in the wrapper. The look of horror when he opened it was worth every second I spent working with that prick" @fesshole on X 2025-07-03 14:25:03 UTC 1.1M followers, 186.5K engagements
"Worked in Asda walked up to a gent struggling with his basket and asked if he needed a hand. He paused lifted his arm and showed me his stump. He cracked a smile and said "yeah mate I could". XX years later I still cringe at the thought. I didn't notice" @fesshole on X 2025-07-23 17:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 194.7K engagements
"I have a small tech business with a mate. Years ago we bought loads of .com names in the hope one of them one day would be worth . He phoned me excitedly the other day to say we've been offered 80k for one of them. How do I tell him I forgot to renew it X years ago" @fesshole on X 2025-07-20 16:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 523.9K engagements
"In Marks. A mum was shouting at a worker for no reason. Her kid was a few feet away singing under his breath badly. Told the kid I was a music teacher and he was great but needed to be louder. He was so happy. And loud. Feel terrible I manipulated him to annoy his mum" @fesshole on X 2025-07-12 09:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 164.9K engagements
"Dripped acid before meeting friends at Legoland. Thought I arrived first called them 'this is amazing everything is made of bricks flowers people even the bins'. They asked where I was in the park. I was in the car park" @fesshole on X 2025-07-17 21:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 176.9K engagements
"I regularly buy a dozen bottles of Badger Ale and X packs of mushrooms at my local supermarket. I put them on the conveyor belt in that order hoping the cashier will burst into song as they put them through the till but they never do" @fesshole on X 2025-07-04 15:25:03 UTC 1.1M followers, 538.4K engagements
"I created an instance for sharing photos on Fediverse. I invited my family to join my instance. No one came. I begged. No answer. I'm going to the lawyer to make a will leaving all my family assets to my partner. I don't want any more contact with my family. This is not a joke" @fesshole on X 2025-07-10 07:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 186.5K engagements
"When I was a kid I caught a butterfly and deliberately made sure it got stuck in a big spider web just so that I could watch the spider capture it. It was fascinating. But soon afterwards I regretted murdering an innocent butterfly. XX years on I still regret it. I'm sorry" @fesshole on X 2025-07-11 07:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 156.6K engagements
"Interviewed an XX year old lad yesterday who smuggly made a point he was going to the opening night of Oasis at Wembley. He wasn't even a twinkle in his dad's eye during their heyday. I'm not going because of kids like this jumping on the bandwagon so he's not getting the job" @fesshole on X 2025-07-02 17:25:01 UTC 1.1M followers, 874.3K engagements
"My s/o's parents treat us like kids in our 20's. I secretly love it. They play games with us/do fun activities. My s/o hates it. We had very different childhoods. Mine isn't something fond I look back on. When his parents treat me like a kid I feel important and special again" @fesshole on X 2025-07-12 17:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 243.5K engagements
"Son is football mad. Obsessed with turning pro. However he's objectively one of the shittest players I've ever seen and at some point in next year I need to have a talk with him about school and his future career path. Until then I'll keep acting as if he's Pele reincarnated" @fesshole on X 2025-07-08 12:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 1.1M engagements
"Just taken a mint condition high-quality 1080p TV to the recycling centre because we literally couldn't give it away. Future historians will write about stuff like this" @fesshole on X 2025-07-20 21:25:04 UTC 1.1M followers, 325.8K engagements
"I prefer the microwave for making tea. I put the tea in a mug of cold water and microwave everything until boiling. I have a kettle on the kitchen counter to allay suspicion but the kettle has not worked since 2011" @fesshole on X 2025-07-06 12:25:03 UTC 1.1M followers, 160.6K engagements
"I travel a lot for my job and stay in a lot of hotels. I usually try and find a nice bar nearby for a few drinks but I don't like the thought that people think I'm drinking alone. I always buy a small wine and place it in a seat opposite Then they just think I've been stood up" @fesshole on X 2025-07-23 12:25:03 UTC 1.1M followers, 111.2K engagements
"I'm a supermarket delivery driver by no means am I strong but I can still easily lift up to 40kg. The job is a real eye opener into how weak the public is. Barely able to carry a single tray after I've just carried two especially the ones that look like they go to the gym" @fesshole on X 2025-07-14 21:25:01 UTC 1.1M followers, 331.3K engagements
"I used to attend the local park run every week but go so fed up listening to people going on about their injuries and new trainers and "shaving off another X seconds" that I gave up. I'm X stone heavier now but happier" @fesshole on X 2025-07-09 07:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 134.3K engagements
"When my partner does the weekly shop I pretend to act all excited about the goodies when unpacking but actually there are no surprises at all because I've already gone through the receipt on the app" @fesshole on X 2025-07-18 11:25:04 UTC 1.1M followers, 111.6K engagements
"I'm a plumber when working under sinks I often take a spare washing up bottle or bleach bottle with me if there's more than one in the cabinet I see it as a little tip" @fesshole on X 2025-07-18 22:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 144.4K engagements
"My wife always wants our baby to completely finish the bottle of expressed breast milk and gets upset even if only a few drops are left. To stop any grief if feeding and the bottle is not quite finished I just drink it myself" @fesshole on X 2025-07-22 14:25:01 UTC 1.1M followers, 137.9K engagements
"I found out my bf was cheating on me so while I was trying to move out one morning I peed in a jug and poured some into his XX bottles of expensive whisky. As far as I know he's still drinking them. My friends and I now call it pissky" @fesshole on X 2025-06-04 21:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 289.4K engagements
"Cocky boss sent an email to the everyone with a code breaking puzzle in it saying anyone who can solve it can have a month off work at his villa. Nobody could solve it & he was confidently cocky nobody would. I fed the code to ChatGPT & won the month off much to his annoyance" @fesshole on X 2025-07-12 18:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 600K engagements
"Imagine if Fesshole ran out of confessions. Prevent it by sharing yours here:" @fesshole on X 2025-07-12 11:00:01 UTC 1.1M followers, 81.8K engagements
"I listen to "I'm A Ram" by Al Green when I start my X km runs. Perfect tempo to get it done in under XX mins. That's not the fess. I'm having an affair with the cleaner" @fesshole on X 2025-07-18 09:25:03 UTC 1.1M followers, 127.8K engagements
"In the woods in 2002 XX years old. Found an empty bag of crisps with a 1992 sell by date. Amazed we imagined the consumer eating them as though in another world. XX years passing just doesn't feel the same now I'm older" @fesshole on X 2025-07-16 20:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 129K engagements
"My neighbour used to throw his dog crap into our garden.They started going away on two week cruises on a regular basis. The day they left I would go round and turn on his outside tap and leave it running. I'd turn it off when they were due back. They were on a water meter" @fesshole on X 2025-07-22 09:25:03 UTC 1.1M followers, 280.2K engagements
"Hired a car from a horrible company that added extra charges. My daughter accidentally knocked into it with the brake lever of her bike leaving a scratch in the paintwork. I melted a choc ice over the scratch - the mix of white and brown looked just like bird shit. It worked" @fesshole on X 2025-07-22 16:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 119.2K engagements
"I was milk monitor in 1978. We'd learned about birds breaking through the foil tops to eat the cream. I wheeled the crate of milk into the yard to see if our local birds would do it. They did. The milk was poured away. We all celebrated that day as everyone hated warm milk" @fesshole on X 2025-07-02 16:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 120.6K engagements
"Got an email from Google that my storage space was XX% full and I should buy more for X a month. Spent the last week deleting XX years of emails files & attachments. I've now got tennis elbow my right thumb is agony but down to X% storage space used - I have defeated Google" @fesshole on X 2025-07-13 10:25:03 UTC 1.1M followers, 361.6K engagements
"I was bullied badly at school and the main perpetrator now has a landscape gardening company. Every X months or so I'll have a look on Rightmove for a really big vacant house that's miles away from him and phone him to come over for a quote on a load of work" @fesshole on X 2025-07-13 20:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 524.2K engagements
"I'm an inflight manager for a big airline. When passengers bring chocolates for the crew in hope of an upgrade. I don't upgrade and take the chocolates home. Don't even share with the crew. Thanks" @fesshole on X 2025-07-12 12:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 145.7K engagements
"Must be getting old. Had an unexpected free evening with no wife and kids in the house and instead of settling in for a wank I spent it sharpening my kitchen knives" @fesshole on X 2025-07-12 19:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 163.4K engagements
"Both my brother and sister got caught shoplifting as kids. I was therefore seen as the morally superior one. Truth is I was a much better thief than them - took loads and never got caught" @fesshole on X 2025-07-13 17:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 146.2K engagements
"I have a rare blood type which the wife has recently discovered. Keeps calling me a selfish cunt for not donating. What she hasn't discovered is the copious amounts of Tren I'm on" @fesshole on X 2025-07-23 13:25:03 UTC 1.1M followers, 455.3K engagements
"When I was a kid one birthday I asked for a telescope so I could look into space. However most of the time I just used it to watch porn on the TV of the neighbour across the road" @fesshole on X 2025-07-12 08:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 118.4K engagements
"I've worked on checkouts most of my adult life. I found out early on that if a barcode doesn't scan the easiest way to deal with that is just to pretend it did and carry on. I've probably cost my employers hundreds over the years" @fesshole on X 2025-06-28 08:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 281.2K engagements
"I work in Comms and my strength has always been writing which I love. Everyone in the team uses AI for it now which I resisted so I'm getting a rep for not wanting to move with the times. I've been gently told to start using it so I did today. I'm only XX and it saps my soul" @fesshole on X 2025-07-06 07:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 233.8K engagements
"Was seeing a much younger woman. Predictable story: Gym personal trainer her now having his baby. Never saw it nor him for that matter coming. Complete shock. I'm paid a fortune to manage future risk for a global organisation. I feel a total fraud and that I should resign" @fesshole on X 2025-07-18 17:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 195.6K engagements
"My wife's dressmaking scissors are the only things strong enough to cut my toenails. She must never know" @fesshole on X 2025-07-09 09:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 125.5K engagements
"I sometimes buy a peperami and chew the plastic sleeve as a savoury chewing gum" @fesshole on X 2025-07-16 07:25:01 UTC 1.1M followers, 105.8K engagements
"I usually follow a controlled calorie diet at home. On holiday now with my husband we're having a 'treat' of X ice cream daily. I've been sneaking out in the morning and evening and I'm averaging about X a day of the big Cornetto XXL ones that we can't get back at home. Worth it" @fesshole on X 2025-07-10 13:25:03 UTC 1.1M followers, 120.7K engagements
"I've been pissing out of my window for the best part of X years now . My neighbour recently mentioned the moss now beginning to florish beneath it" @fesshole on X 2025-07-14 10:25:04 UTC 1.1M followers, 117.1K engagements
"I buy packets of wild flower seeds and sprinkle them in public places where they'll grow. I know it's a bit naughty but I feel that the flowers thar aren't domesticated need a chance too" @fesshole on X 2025-07-14 20:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 179.1K engagements
"I hate getting presents. Admittedly I'm a hard person to buy for but that's because I just don't want more things" @fesshole on X 2025-07-11 19:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 127.6K engagements
"Having moved to a sleepy English village I joined the local amateur dramatics group to make friends and meet new people. At XX I'm the youngest by XX years. They're biggest gang of coke fiends I've ever met. I was genuinely shocked" @fesshole on X 2025-07-08 14:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 368.1K engagements
"Being forced back to the office by our nobbish CEO who believes you're only working if you're in the office. Not bothered by the returning bit; genuinely concerned that I'm going to forget where I am fire up some porn and start knocking one out at my desk" @fesshole on X 2025-07-17 16:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 162.6K engagements
"Every Thursday night I play D&D online with my friends. My wife and daughter leave me to it and don't disturb me. The past couple weeks the game has been cancelled but I've still told them I'm playing so that I get peace and quiet. I love them but everyone needs time alone" @fesshole on X 2025-07-12 21:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 149.9K engagements
"Whenever I stay in Airbnb I log onto the wireless router and add a new wireless channel called "Hugh G. Rection". I then change the admin password to lock the router. Always amuses me to see my new wireless network broadcast for all to see. Hope new guests appreciate my work" @fesshole on X 2025-07-11 16:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 219K engagements
"My GF thinks I'm cheating. As got way better in bed recently. The truth is I started paying attention when she climaxed. Now have a Google Docs about it. I have formulas for oral and positions. But can't tell her as assume she'd sew herself shut after shagging such a nerd" @fesshole on X 2025-07-22 10:25:03 UTC 1.1M followers, 261K engagements
"On call 1.30am and got yelled at for taking ages to get there. I was there within the hour. He was a grumpy bastard and moaned all the time I was there. 10k piece jigsaw on his table. Fixed his leak walked out with a jigsaw piece in my pocket. He was a twat" @fesshole on X 2025-07-19 13:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 326.6K engagements
"Bloke invited me to dinner on his yacht. When I needed the loo his valet showed me the way and quietly warned me bloke was married. Tray of pricey cosmetics in the bathroom so I left my Rimmel lipstick on it and made my excuses. Wonder how long it took for his wife to find it" @fesshole on X 2025-07-21 17:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 335.7K engagements
"Inspired by Richard Herring I have been shoplifting Pick'n'Mix sweeties for a decade now. Like him I've never been caught. You can get away with all sorts of nonsense as a late middle aged white man" @fesshole on X 2025-07-11 09:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 107K engagements
"I was having my Friday night skinful at home when I let out a silent fart & shit myself sat next to my wife. I managed to get upstairs empty my bowels into the bath wash myself clean the bath get changed & put the shitty clothes on to wash without her realising what I'd done" @fesshole on X 2025-07-06 16:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 256.3K engagements
"When digitising VHS horseracing tapes for a lady who's husband is in a care home and wants to watch them on a laptop. She said he watched them late at night. When I began "Racing Year 1988" I was surprised to see the opening titles of "Big Boob Bangeroo 22". Dirty old bugger" @fesshole on X 2025-07-05 13:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 182.3K engagements
"When I meet new people I mention that the moon landings were fake. It's a great litmus test for finding out who's going to be a prick if you end up having a difference of opinion later on. Try it - works every time" @fesshole on X 2025-07-13 13:25:03 UTC 1.1M followers, 266.9K engagements
"Went on a business trip to Scotland a while ago. When I got there I called my wife from the hotel room to ask her if Orinj our cat was missing. She said yes & our daughter is looking for her. I said don't bother here's here in Scotland with me. The dumbarse got into my bag" @fesshole on X 2025-06-27 14:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 2M engagements
"If I find myself with a shy bladder in a public loo I silently recite the poem "Zen & the Art of Going to the Lavatory" seen in the graphics of the TV series "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy". Never fails to unblock me. Thanks Douglas" @fesshole on X 2025-07-12 20:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 127.5K engagements
"My GF looks like a famous actress she will get 'recognised' weekly. There's a photo of her in a local restaurant with the staff after we ate there. I must be letting myself go I've started to hear people mutter 'she can't be going out with him' or 'maybe he's just a friend'" @fesshole on X 2025-07-15 19:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 200.5K engagements
"Read a fess months ago about someone apologising to past lovers for not shampooing their pubic hair. Never knew this was even a thing so thought I would try it. Just got denied head because of the smell and taste of Head & Shoulders downstairs. Can't win" @fesshole on X 2025-07-13 12:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 171.9K engagements
"Every time I get McDonald's for me & the Mrs I get an extra mayo chicken eat it on the drive back home and litter the wrapper out of the car window so there is no evidence. Been doing it for years now" @fesshole on X 2025-07-15 08:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 247K engagements
"The other day I came home drunk and had diarrhea I didn't have time to get to the bathroom and I did it on the way leaving the living room a mess. This morning I said it was the dog we are going to take him to the vet" @fesshole on X 2025-07-09 21:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 180.2K engagements
"Broke up with a guy because he kept going on about the cereal cafe that opened up then when we finally went he ordered Frosties" @fesshole on X 2025-07-14 12:25:03 UTC 1.1M followers, 254.2K engagements
"Middle-class parents organising custom plates and framed class portrait art for teachers at end of year need to get a grip. Your kid is one 1000s they will deal with in their working life. If you must booze and chocolate or even better cold hard cash" @fesshole on X 2025-07-22 07:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 217.7K engagements
"Cooked for the girlfriend and her family a few years ago. Not a good cook. Found a nice chicken pasta dish online. Did not know the difference between a bulb and clove of garlic. Used two bulbs. House stank for days and I'm banned from cooking ever since. Win" @fesshole on X 2025-07-18 10:25:03 UTC 1.1M followers, 167.7K engagements
"I live abroad and there are many things I love when I come home to visit. Fish and chips a collared dove's call apologising profusely. But what I love most is checking my XX yr old dad's Viagra prescription is up to date. Can confirm today that it is. There is hope for me yet" @fesshole on X 2025-07-10 20:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 115.7K engagements
"I'm a midwife. We keep a staff room chart of whether curtains match carpets (we also try to predict when they come onto the delivery ward). Probably not surprising number of gingers who bleach or dye their hair - but was shocked by platinum blonde last week who genuinely was" @fesshole on X 2025-07-10 17:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 422.6K engagements
"Noticed in remote Teams meetings that a lot of colleagues use custom backgrounds in their camera feeds instead of showing their real house behind them. So I've started using a background photo of my actual home office that's actually behind me" @fesshole on X 2025-07-14 15:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 282.1K engagements
"A fly flew into our car when I was a kid in Cheshire and I didn't let it out until we got to Devon. And I always wondered if it felt lost and knew it was somewhere new I still think about that fly and I'm now XX years old" @fesshole on X 2025-07-10 21:25:01 UTC 1.1M followers, 226.8K engagements
"The boringest fess: I often iron things that don't need it simply to extend my alone time with the iron and watching 90s Star Trek" @fesshole on X 2025-07-20 15:25:01 UTC 1.1M followers, 131.3K engagements
"Went to the pub for the first time at XX & stayed quite late. The landlord locked the doors at some point & said it's a "lock-in". Not being familiar with what this was I believed I was in a hostage situation & nearly shat myself until one of the other guys explained it to me" @fesshole on X 2025-07-17 09:25:04 UTC 1.1M followers, 461K engagements
"Not my fess but can't really tell anyone else - my uncle was a vicar and confessed to the family on his deathbed that he had lost his faith decades ago and just carried on for the money and job security. Wondered ever since how common this" @fesshole on X 2025-07-07 14:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 438.3K engagements
"Wife picked our daughter's name when she was born - Saila. I've held it in for XX years until the first time she came home drunk this weekend and I got to sing what shall we do with a drunken sailor at her. Then she threw up on my wife's slippers. It was worth the wait" @fesshole on X 2025-07-16 11:25:03 UTC 1.1M followers, 1.3M engagements
"My partner beasted one of the girls at a coffeeshop I've been a regular at for years for the heinous crime of bringing them cake with a spoon instead of a fork. Made me wonder if my blissful coffeeshop routine meant more to me than my marriage" @fesshole on X 2025-07-22 13:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 150.4K engagements
"Mum's been in an urn on the dining room floor for X years. Every birthday and Christmas I chop out a line of her with my coke. It's grief ritual madness. She's getting lighter. So am I" @fesshole on X 2025-07-17 12:25:02 UTC 1.1M followers, 405.7K engagements