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# ![@fesshole Avatar](https://lunarcrush.com/gi/w:26/cr:twitter::1007749631818821638.png) @fesshole Fesshole🧻

Fesshole🧻 posts on X about sweden, stockholm, books, at a the most. They currently have XXXXXXXXX followers and XXX posts still getting attention that total XXXXXXX engagements in the last XX hours.

### Engagements: XXXXXXX [#](/creator/twitter::1007749631818821638/interactions)
![Engagements Line Chart](https://lunarcrush.com/gi/w:600/cr:twitter::1007749631818821638/c:line/m:interactions.svg)

- X Week XXXXXXXXX +4.80%
- X Month XXXXXXXXXX -XXXX%
- X Months XXXXXXXXXXX -XX%
- X Year XXXXXXXXXXX -XX%

### Mentions: XXX [#](/creator/twitter::1007749631818821638/posts_active)
![Mentions Line Chart](https://lunarcrush.com/gi/w:600/cr:twitter::1007749631818821638/c:line/m:posts_active.svg)

- X Week XXX -XX%
- X Month XXX -XXXX%
- X Months XXXXX +40%
- X Year XXXXX -XX%

### Followers: XXXXXXXXX [#](/creator/twitter::1007749631818821638/followers)
![Followers Line Chart](https://lunarcrush.com/gi/w:600/cr:twitter::1007749631818821638/c:line/m:followers.svg)

- X Week XXXXXXXXX -XXXX%
- X Month XXXXXXXXX +0%
- X Months XXXXXXXXX +0.51%
- X Year XXXXXXXXX -XXXX%

### CreatorRank: XXXXXX [#](/creator/twitter::1007749631818821638/influencer_rank)
![CreatorRank Line Chart](https://lunarcrush.com/gi/w:600/cr:twitter::1007749631818821638/c:line/m:influencer_rank.svg)

### Social Influence

**Social category influence**
[travel destinations](/list/travel-destinations)  #2709 [countries](/list/countries)  XXXX% [technology brands](/list/technology-brands)  XXXX% [finance](/list/finance)  #2755 [social networks](/list/social-networks)  XXX% [stocks](/list/stocks)  XXXX% [musicians](/list/musicians)  XXXX% [currencies](/list/currencies)  XXXX%

**Social topic influence**
[sweden](/topic/sweden) #31, [stockholm](/topic/stockholm) #6, [books](/topic/books) #213, [at a](/topic/at-a) #1449, [facebook](/topic/facebook) 1.6%, [money](/topic/money) 1.6%, [when he](/topic/when-he) #1279, [garage](/topic/garage) #2030, [los angeles](/topic/los-angeles) 1.07%, [food](/topic/food) XXXX%

**Top accounts mentioned or mentioned by**
[@coolhandfluke76](/creator/undefined) [@twitawoo8](/creator/undefined) [@emmap72002](/creator/undefined) [@duxvul](/creator/undefined) [@benharper121292](/creator/undefined) [@2sortsnorfolk](/creator/undefined) [@hossylass](/creator/undefined) [@loverofsnark](/creator/undefined) [@mofomat](/creator/undefined) [@personhalfa](/creator/undefined) [@lordljs](/creator/undefined) [@_derekmchugh_](/creator/undefined) [@josephhighfiel1](/creator/undefined) [@ambientsheep](/creator/undefined) [@birdietweetieac](/creator/undefined) [@twumanshow](/creator/undefined) [@_sammified](/creator/undefined) [@laurieburg](/creator/undefined) [@politicalpunct1](/creator/undefined) [@roshanonline](/creator/undefined)

**Top assets mentioned**
[Spotify Technology (SPOT)](/topic/$spot) [Microsoft Corp. (MSFT)](/topic/microsoft)
### Top Social Posts
Top posts by engagements in the last XX hours

"Wife told me not to defrost the freezer with a screwdriver and a hammer. I knew better. XXX later and we have the exact same one as before but newer. She cant believe the job ive done "cleaning it". Broken one is now in next door's garage until I figure out how to get rid. Help"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1994714211713237420)  2025-11-29T10:25Z 1.1M followers, 203.2K engagements


"I hate tinsel. As in have panic attacks near it. I tell my wife and family that I really just dont like it. Reality is when I was XX I found some black tinsel in a hedge. Picked up to discover it was fluffy then realised it was a cats tail sans rest of cat. The horror"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1995076598911975521)  2025-11-30T10:25Z 1.1M followers, 99K engagements


"Had a one night stand with a lady. Few years later and I saw her at a store. She had a kid the looked exactly like me but never said anything. We sent our DNA in ancestry. Every time i get an email with a match I get a panic attack. It was before I met my wife but"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1992992866197545009)  2025-11-24T16:25Z 1.1M followers, 361.9K engagements


"When boarding a flight I try to see if the pilot looks depressed. This is since the time that pilot crashed a plane into a mountain in 2015. No idea why I can't stop a pilot crashing a plane"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1995242696995127325)  2025-11-30T21:25Z 1.1M followers, 99K engagements


"When my husband is away I don't wash dishes. I reuse the same bowl and fork all week. I use the same pan with a lid too for and just wipe it with a sheet of kitchen roll before I use it"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1995408786656203178)  2025-12-01T08:25Z 1.1M followers, 86.7K engagements


"I looked after babies with a sailing company one week we had a seven month baby they REALLY didn't want to do hand painting the mum was not happy so I took handprints from a similar sized baby and did a set. I sometimes wonder if the now XX year old still thinks they are his"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1995771175213949404)  2025-12-02T08:25Z 1.1M followers, 90.3K engagements


"I gave a promotion to the second top employee on my team instead of the first. Because I caught the first one making himself a cup of tea in the office microwave. Inexcusable barbaric behaviour"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1996299663696187798)  2025-12-03T19:25Z 1.1M followers, 97.1K engagements


"Since I was a kid I've thought some numbers are simply better than others. Not sure if this started from lucky numbers it's an aesthetic thing or it's some Neuro-diversity issue but some are simply better. Just be clear X and X are superior X and X are inferior scum"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1998322990216286458)  2025-12-09T09:25Z 1.1M followers, 71.9K engagements


"53 & the only bloke in an office with five women aged between XX & XX. They're all overly nice to me make me brews & give hugs. Thought I still 'had it' until one of them said they all see me as their 'work dad'. I've never been brought down to earth harder in my life"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1990516551699571189)  2025-11-17T20:25Z 1.1M followers, 444.2K engagements


"Planning a trip to Los Angeles to visit my sister. Terrified of getting shot in the US. Ordered what I thought was a bullet proof vest for my X year old son. What arrived from Amazon was a military costume with pockets for Nerf "bullets." Son loves it and won't take it off"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1991800015912620241)  2025-11-21T09:25Z 1.1M followers, 88.4K engagements


"Ex-fianc turned into an anti-vaxxer wanker & conspiracy theory dickhead. He thinks his daughter is unvaccinated. She isn't. I got her vaccinated behind his back before I finally made the right decision to dump him. A child cannot be raised around that kind of stupid bullshit"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1991935903112069393)  2025-11-21T18:25Z 1.1M followers, 332.9K engagements


"I really dislike my in laws. Every couple of months I request a visit to their house from the Jehovah's Witnesses. I get immense pleasure listening to my infuriated mother in law complaining about those "freaks" knocking again"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1992328490507534804)  2025-11-22T20:25Z 1.1M followers, 107.4K engagements


"We're friends with a family who do the same X holidays every year go to the same restaurant every birthday go the same takeaway every Friday and order the same food. They just re-enact a handful of life experiences on loop. I don't know why but it really fucking pisses me off"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1992358687692755171)  2025-11-22T22:25Z 1.1M followers, 268.4K engagements


"The fastest growing versions of Fesshole is Instagram and Facebook and it's available on other networks Facebook: Insta: Threads: Bluesky: Mastodon:"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1992521826548035638)  2025-11-23T09:13Z 1.1M followers, 71.4K engagements


"We grant access to the office network. We added a fictitious lady called Morag McTuckus to the directory who we can have 'meetings' with off-site. We also reply to email for her. It's gone undetected for so long we're now considering hiring an actor to play her at the xmas party"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1992539889234006260)  2025-11-23T10:25Z 1.1M followers, 127.3K engagements


"I worked at a semi-fancy bar in Los Angeles while at uni. One of my jobs was to shovel ice into the urinals ahead of opening. One day the girl who did the ladies was out so I did those stalls too. It was later pointed out to me that women might need to shit as well as piss"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1992872080304451879)  2025-11-24T08:25Z 1.1M followers, 264K engagements


"Wife uses my electric razor to trim her bush. Thinks I either don't know or don't care. I do care and despite fathering five children with her disinfect it before every use"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1993053267316629635)  2025-11-24T20:25Z 1.1M followers, 139.7K engagements


"My wife and I were having a row. I drove past her on my way home while she was walking the dog. The dog shit and she didn't pick it up. I made an anonymous post on our local Facebook community forum calling her out. She saw it and has been sulking about it for weeks. Petty win"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1993264665376240074)  2025-11-25T10:25Z 1.1M followers, 148.4K engagements


"I spent XX years calling my best friend's mum Mrs P because I'd have a brain panic about whether her name was Sheila or Shirley"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1993309955810582685)  2025-11-25T13:25Z 1.1M followers, 76.8K engagements


"Recently single. One of the things I miss the most is dropping a reference to having a partner/girlfriend when talking with women I've just met so they know I'm not hitting on them or have an agenda. I just liking chatting with people"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1993355255682093523)  2025-11-25T16:25Z 1.1M followers, 99.9K engagements


"I'm a male in my 30s I have an Etsy store online since lockdown. Customers & their reviews assume I'm a female. Starting rolling with it given myself a name and everything. Customers love her but now I can't show my friends my successful handmade store"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1993415655459000489)  2025-11-25T20:25Z 1.1M followers, 113K engagements


"I work in a bus station. I often get people coming to me asking why their coach is late and demanding information. I take great satisfaction in pointing out that their ticket is for a coach that left at 4:25am so complaining to me at 16:45 is not going to help"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1993672350353527137)  2025-11-26T13:25Z 1.1M followers, 127K engagements


"In 1980 me and a friend would spend hours wrapping Sellotape around 10p pieces to mimic 50p. Trim with a razor blade and dip in talc powder. Worked a treat. We emptied fag machines and milked old school slot machines. XX yr old we were like junior cash machines"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1677821122396528643)  2023-07-08T23:25Z 1.1M followers, 801.3K engagements


"I started recording all my sexual activity in an app - could see the amount the trends the activities. It's wormed into my brain so much that as I'm cumming I'm immediately thinking about what star rating to give it. I've ruined sex and wanking"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1736845043263062410)  2023-12-18T20:25Z 1.1M followers, 370.6K engagements


"Whole family is mystified as to why our daughter's new puppy is so keen on knocking over the rubbish bin in the spare room/home office and eating any tissues inside it. I know why. I work from home"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1994382027143946622)  2025-11-28T12:25Z 1.1M followers, 118.8K engagements


"The lad who took me on a date was actually quite nice. But unfortunately I just couldn't accept a second date with him after I learned what his surname was. I've always wanted to double-barrel my surname if I get married. His surname was Cummings. Mine is Ball"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1983525489739182397)  2025-10-29T13:25Z 1.1M followers, 118.1K engagements


"FESSHOLE LIVE TICKETS: Liverpool Leicester Leeds Sweden (Malm GTEBORG STOCKHOLM) Also Anon Opin In London / Leicester BOOK(s): Add your fess: Fesshole is also on: Facebook: Threads: Bluesky: Insta: Mastodon: FAQ: PODCAST: Fesshole run/edited by Rob Manuel of"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1985333872922370484)  2025-11-03T13:10Z 1.1M followers, 904K engagements


"Some evenings when I've had a few too many I go out in the garage and piss around the perimeter to deter mice. Husband hasn't caught me yet. Mice don't care but I like doing it"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1992554983120654449)  2025-11-23T11:25Z 1.1M followers, 104.7K engagements


"I was the bassist in a well-known group in the 80s to 90s. Decent career. On Ken Bruce's Popmaster a contestant couldn't name any of our hits. This hurt more than any of the regular kickings we got from those smug fucks at the NME"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1992630478487060604)  2025-11-23T16:25Z 1.1M followers, 252.7K engagements


"Genuinely curious to know how unusual it is to use ones toenail clippings as a toothpick I know you'll all say it's disgusting but I bet if you could comment anonymously we'd find that there are loads of us"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1992721076745285855)  2025-11-23T22:25Z 1.1M followers, 158K engagements


"Australia knows when a person has never visited their country before. It would be extremely helpful if they'd hand first time visitors a one pager on words with extra colloquial meanings. No one told me that root was a rude word when I visited Darwin and it was humiliating"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1992902271428874254)  2025-11-24T10:25Z 1.1M followers, 155.3K engagements


"I have a private code phrase known to no one but myself that I will use to verify it's really me if I ever meet my past or future self via time travel"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1993023065781895193)  2025-11-24T18:25Z 1.1M followers, 116.1K engagements


"Fesshole Live is coming to Leicester Luton and Leeds get your tickets now Were also taking the show to Sweden (Malm Gteborg Stockholm) and doing Anon Opin in Leicester"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1993223166777344097)  2025-11-25T07:40Z 1.1M followers, 81.6K engagements


"His fess I guess but thought husband was sneaking off most nights to watch porn didn't really care but curiousity got the best of me checked his browser history. He's playing chess. At 2am. Multiple times a week. Worst part is I saw his ELO he's not even any good"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1993370355918884960)  2025-11-25T17:25Z 1.1M followers, 164.3K engagements


"I'm a married woman. I don't embarrass easily but I've discovered recently that there's nothing more mortifying than not having to do a pregnancy test before a hospital procedure because you haven't had sex in ages"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1993385453383274711)  2025-11-25T18:25Z 1.1M followers, 160K engagements


"Wife wants to take our dog to the vet. Apparently he smells bad and she's worried he's becoming incontinent. I daren't tell her he ran through my flow as I treated myself to an au natural wee on our forest walk yesterday"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1993400556145020933)  2025-11-25T19:25Z 1.1M followers, 89.1K engagements


"I caught my wife shouting 'nonce' at our dog. Apparently she had no idea what it really meant and has been doing it for years in public thinking it was just what you said when someone was naughty"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1993445852753309992)  2025-11-25T22:25Z 1.1M followers, 111.8K engagements


"Fake proposed to my girlfriend for a joke on holiday. She started crying and was so happy. Felt so bad I couldn't tell her it was a joke. Anyway we're getting married next year"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1993642152190964159)  2025-11-26T11:25Z 1.1M followers, 186.8K engagements


"Mum came around to visit me noticed a lot of tissues in the bathroom bin. Asked if I'd had a cold said I had but was feeling better now. Couldn't tell her they were the result of a week's worth of wanking"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1993657246731903050)  2025-11-26T12:25Z 1.1M followers, 92.1K engagements


"I'm a consultant dermatologist who makes most of my money on cosmetic procedures which bore me to tears. On the other hand there are way too many people who think they can't get skin cancer in the UK because "it's cloudy." So my patients fit in two categories: vain or ignorant"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1993732743268630730)  2025-11-26T17:25Z 1.1M followers, 74.1K engagements


"My son is now XX. My wife argues with him constantly about his appalling personal habits. I'm secretly delighted as I am no longer the most disgusting person in the house. I almost don't want him to move out"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1993778041386918278)  2025-11-26T20:25Z 1.1M followers, 100.6K engagements


"Whenever I pass a dog on a walk I let it sniff my hand and say hello. Though I like dogs I'm also doing a check-in like the original Terminator film to prove I'm a human not a flesh covered robot. If you're with me and don't let the dog sniff you I'll be judging/suspicious"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1993808242489672149)  2025-11-26T22:25Z 1.1M followers, 80.7K engagements


"Fesshole Live is coming to Leicester Luton and Leeds get your tickets now Were also taking the show to Sweden (Malm Gteborg Stockholm) and doing Anon Opin in Leicester"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1993947943838109730)  2025-11-27T07:40Z 1.1M followers, 62.9K engagements


"If I do a stinky dump in the work toilets I flush then run to a cubicle further down the row and flush that one then wash my hands in the sink nearest the 'fresh' toilet so if a colleague comes in they will assume I came out of the clean one"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1993974333664850251)  2025-11-27T09:25Z 1.1M followers, 74.2K engagements


"I was watching TV and coughed up a tonsil stone. I didn't know what to do with it and the smell was offensive. Called my dog over and she ate it without hesitation. Now have to wait a few months for the next one"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1993989444190269472)  2025-11-27T10:25Z 1.1M followers, 164.9K engagements


"Broke my hand when the massage table collapsed during an oily rub. Told my wife it was a trip on a pavement. She's now written a three-page letter to the council. I've just spent my Sunday identifying a suitably raised slab in case they send someone to investigate"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1994004539456803113)  2025-11-27T11:25Z 1.1M followers, 126.6K engagements


"My kids were very naughty so I told them their lunch would be cream cheese and lemon rind sandwiches. Little did I know how much they'd love them. Now our grandkids come over and ask for cream cheese and lemon rind sandwiches. Not sure who won that one"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1994034740710543802)  2025-11-27T13:25Z 1.1M followers, 94.8K engagements


"I was cooking Christmas dinner and drunkenly tried to tip some of the turkey juice into the toilet as the sink was full of pots. As I did this the turkey slid from the tin and wedged itself into the toilet. I managed to unwedge it and returned it to the oven. I ate the gammon"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1994095131583037740)  2025-11-27T17:25Z 1.1M followers, 88.7K engagements


"I've foolishly got myself doing gardening and odd jobs for the old geezer next door. It started as a one-off now I'm balls-deep doing everything. Hate to admit it but I think a lot about whether or not he's gonna leave me anything when he carks it"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1994110229395484939)  2025-11-27T18:25Z 1.1M followers, 86.5K engagements


"I asked my mum for pink paint for my 6th birthday. My plan was to paint stripes on our white cat so she'd look just like Bagpuss on TV. Fortunately my mother worked out my plan. She got me some watercolours and took me for lunch at the Wimpy. A win"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1994140429617393680)  2025-11-27T20:25Z 1.1M followers, 81.5K engagements


"I hate it when my kids buy me something with 'World's Best Dad' on it. Because it's so blatantly not true and makes me realise what a failure of a father I've been"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1994170627276611603)  2025-11-27T22:25Z 1.1M followers, 91.1K engagements


"Fesshole Live is coming your way Get tickets for Leicester Luton and Leeds. Well also be touring Sweden Malm Gteborg Stockholm and doing Anon Opin in Leicester"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1994310333284917549)  2025-11-28T07:40Z 1.1M followers, 62K engagements


"I know this sounds ridiculous but up until the age of XX I thought all cats were female and all dogs were male. Openly shared this knowledge with a school friend who then went on to make sure everyone in school knew including my teachers"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1994336720637104448)  2025-11-28T09:25Z 1.1M followers, 70.5K engagements


"My landlord evicted me during the pandemic. Anyway we both work in the same small industry that centres around a mailing list you basically have to be on to operate. Guess who's an admin. Guess who just applied to join. Guess who just got silently rejected"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1994366926307381549)  2025-11-28T11:25Z 1.1M followers, 177.4K engagements


"Is there something on your mind that's troubling you Tell Fesshole and Fesshole might tell the world:"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1994375729417482481)  2025-11-28T12:00Z 1.1M followers, 57.4K engagements


"I live in what newspapers call a polycule. I did a great scheduling system for us. I've now invested nine months of development time in making it a more general purpose relationship scheduling app. I think I've overestimated the number of people in poly relationships"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1994397121219289336)  2025-11-28T13:25Z 1.1M followers, 111.7K engagements


"I've found some otherwise "above-board" porn sites that haven't bothered adding age checks to UK visitors. It adds a certain thrill to my otherwise vanilla selection knowing I'm technically breaking the law. Even if it's a stupid law to begin with"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1994457517854785966)  2025-11-28T17:25Z 1.1M followers, 296.9K engagements


"Every morning around 5:30am I drive past my work neighbour walking in whatever the weather. I could easily stop and give him a lift but years ago we had a small fire in our unit and he refused to let us use his fire extinguisher so screw him"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1994472616455745734)  2025-11-28T18:25Z 1.1M followers, 115K engagements


"My BF has ADHD one of his tics is bouncing his leg. When it starts to annoy me I put a hand on his knee and he stops. An unspoken thing between friends of which the guy next to me on the train knew nothing about. He was sure surprised to get my hand on his knee"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1994487717250347510)  2025-11-28T19:25Z 1.1M followers, 157.3K engagements


"In my younger days I liked to sneak into hotels to use the swimming pool there. One time I was so excited to have been successful that I jumped into the pool with my phone still in my pocket. That day was the end of my phone and also my days of sneaking into hotel pools"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1994502817394934266)  2025-11-28T20:25Z 1.1M followers, 87.4K engagements


"Mid-50s. Recently inherited enough money to be mortgage-free and not work again but not enough for Ferraris etc. I've had to make a diary with a "to-do" each day else I just sit all day and doomscroll. Not sure if I'm happy or not overall"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1994517917291958380)  2025-11-28T21:25Z 1.1M followers, 247.3K engagements


"I like to put a plausibly-deniable typo in every external document I work on. I've just sent off a funding proposal with the word "sharted" instead of "shared" on p79"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1994533015691645210)  2025-11-28T22:25Z 1.1M followers, 89.3K engagements


"COME TO FESSHOLE LIVE. Tickets available for Leicester Luton and Leeds. There's the Sweden Tour in Malm Gteborg Stockholm. Also we're doing Anon Opin in Leicester"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1994676497924186531)  2025-11-29T07:55Z 1.1M followers, 79.5K engagements


"Wife and I are in a XX year-long unspoken war about whether the soap dispenser goes next the tap or up on the shelf. I've even engaged her sister into my side of the battle. I refuse to give in. Took me X years to win the silent which-way-round-does-the-loo-roll-hang war"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1994684018101567599)  2025-11-29T08:25Z 1.1M followers, 100.4K engagements


"I realised I am now middle class when my wife said "your croissant is in the conservatory""  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1994699111816122809)  2025-11-29T09:25Z 1.1M followers, 84.3K engagements


"If I can't do a task I put on a costume of a person who can do a task. I can't clean my kitchen but the tavern wench who pours the grog can"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1994729318144987350)  2025-11-29T11:25Z 1.1M followers, 79.9K engagements


"I've no Irish blood at all but in recent weeks I've been listening to and have become obsessed with rebel music it's fantastic. I'm hoping nobody has noticed the change in my music trends and I've been placed on a watchlist on case people think I've become radicalised"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1994744416708243576)  2025-11-29T12:25Z 1.1M followers, 242.1K engagements


"Every night wife falls asleep on the sofa. Last thing like a ninja I load the dishwasher turn the TV off lock up turn the lights off as silently as I can. Tonight I have finally succeeded in not waking her light sleeping self and have the bed to myself. VICTORY IS MINE"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1994759506845167777)  2025-11-29T13:25Z 1.1M followers, 120.4K engagements


"I fucking hate Christmas and it's my own fault. Spent years telling people I don't want anything so I get nothing. I just wanted people to think of things I like but instead nothing ever comes"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1994819905414136269)  2025-11-29T17:25Z 1.1M followers, 104.5K engagements


"There are XXX tiles on the ceiling in the main hall of my daughters school. I know this because I counted every single one when bored senseless watching her recent dance recital"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1994850105422200969)  2025-11-29T19:25Z 1.1M followers, 95.3K engagements


"My marriage wasn't great. Ex-husband had an operation and there was a risk he'd die on the operating table. After the op he called to say he was fine. I realised I was disappointed he'd be coming home. I knew it was definitely time to leave"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1994865205939937442)  2025-11-29T20:25Z 1.1M followers, 194.9K engagements


"I have a small gap between two of my teeth where food gets stuck. The hygienist asked me what size interdental brush I use I didnt want to tell her I just trim my toenails and use a clipping so I said "1.5""  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1994880303643427086)  2025-11-29T21:25Z 1.1M followers, 101.5K engagements


"I was having a wee when the MD walked in & began peeing in the next urinal. To fill the silence I said to him "this is the only socially acceptable situation where two employees can get out their willies standing next to each other". He glared at me & walked out. Anyone hiring"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1994895406321303660)  2025-11-29T22:25Z 1.1M followers, 126.3K engagements


"I always try my best to keep my shits for work. It saves a fortune on bog roll and stops the house smelling manky"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1995046396878020883)  2025-11-30T08:25Z 1.1M followers, 92.9K engagements


"The town of St Helens is just between Liverpool and Manchester. When I was a small child in Liverpool Mount St Helens in Washington erupted. Not having a grasp of geography I spent two weeks in mortal fear of dying in a volcanic eruption before my dad set me straight"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1995061498251514065)  2025-11-30T09:25Z 1.1M followers, 111.1K engagements


"I teach at the school I attended. Many teachers are still teaching from when I was there but when I returned only two remembered me. Did hurt a little I wasn't a big character but I thought I was one of the nicer ones that teachers would remember"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1995091702898458633)  2025-11-30T11:25Z 1.1M followers, 109.2K engagements


"Mid nature wee my toddler takes a dump in the dark on some grass. I can't find the poo so I got my torch out and a man turns his torch on offering to help asking what we have dropped while she shouts she's had a MASSIVE POO"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1995106803785330986)  2025-11-30T12:25Z 1.1M followers, 102.2K engagements


"A guy in my office is obsessed with Concorde and gets upset every year on the anniversary of the last flight. He even has a mini Concorde on his desk. Seriously tempted to chuck it when he pisses me off"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1995121903346888873)  2025-11-30T13:25Z 1.1M followers, 100.8K engagements


"My mum passed and was cremated. My brother never helped me care for her in the time she was ill so when he demanded half of her ashes I added dirty cat litter to an urn out of the charity shop gorilla glued the lid and every time he walks passed said urn he strokes it lovingly"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1995197394653167818)  2025-11-30T18:25Z 1.1M followers, 153.2K engagements


"Our fire appliance was called to "person trapped by hands". Arrived to find a lady with both hands trapped by a sash window obviously in a lot of pain. With a bit of humour one of the crew said to her "good job you're not a concert pianist" her reply "I am""  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1995212494319538521)  2025-11-30T19:25Z 1.1M followers, 168.4K engagements


"I like to wave at double decker buses passing me and then watch the sheer confusion as people turn to each other to see who waves back. Despite me not having a clue who anyone is on that bus"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1995227591997862075)  2025-11-30T20:25Z 1.1M followers, 95.2K engagements


"As a kid my dream job was to be a clippie on a bus. On the one hand I'm glad I didn't end up doing that as they are no more. On the other hand I'm divorced live alone and work in marketing. I'd still love to be a clippie and think they should bring them back"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1995257799073275977)  2025-11-30T22:25Z 1.1M followers, 96.4K engagements


"Met a guy for a discreet shag. Afterwards said it was nice be great to meet more often told him to take my number. He needed a discreet name so his wife didn't know so I told him to put me under "screwfix direct". Sadly the pun was lost on him which made me think less of him"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1995438987163357503)  2025-12-01T10:25Z 1.1M followers, 333.7K engagements


"I was the Queen of 'Slip-a-word-in' while working in the call centre for British Gas. The phone rang you were given a word by a colleague you said it in the greeting. Best one I got away with was 'gonorrhea'"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1995454096204026023)  2025-12-01T11:25Z 1.1M followers, 110.8K engagements


"Dancer here. If men in strip clubs knew how dancers talk about them in the dressing room they would never come back. Best case is pity. Mostly we think you're scum. We know you all think you're the exception. Making you think that is our job"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1995469190191317252)  2025-12-01T12:25Z 1.1M followers, 2.4M engagements


"I once saw my mum looking into a shop window in town. I walked straight past her without stopping. This was about XX years ago and some for reason it haunts me even though I'm sure she wouldn't be bothered if I told her now"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1995484293087289571)  2025-12-01T13:25Z 1.1M followers, 187.3K engagements


"When I go to watch my lad play footy with his under 7s team I have to stand away from the other parents and cover my mouth so they can't see or hear me absolutely slating their kids like adults some of them are absolute garbage and should stay in bed"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1995559783739306269)  2025-12-01T18:25Z 1.1M followers, 97.8K engagements


"Started dating again. I am now grey up top with grey chest back and underarm hair. But black pubes. I didn't think about it at first but now I'm starting to worry that a stream of women believe that I dye my pubes. I don't it's just biology being peculiar and inconsistent"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1995574882793328655)  2025-12-01T19:25Z 1.1M followers, 127K engagements


"I ended up deciding not to hire a lass named Saoirse because she pronounced her own name wrong according to Saoirse Ronan. Can't be having that going on all day"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1995620178063675798)  2025-12-01T22:25Z 1.1M followers, 140.8K engagements


"COME TO FESSHOLE LIVE. Tickets available for Leicester Luton and Leeds. There's the Sweden Tour in Malm Gteborg Stockholm. Also we're doing Anon Opin in Leicester"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1995763668336709843)  2025-12-02T07:55Z 1.1M followers, 69.4K engagements


"My neighbours are miserable cunts who rudely refuse to take in parcels for anyone else on the street. I take great pleasure in signing for theirs and then holding it hostage for a few days. Bonus points if I'm in when they come knocking"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1995786273286496426)  2025-12-02T09:25Z 1.1M followers, 99K engagements


"I went on work experience in the mid 90s and was told to frank some mail I decided to see what the highest cost stamp I could produce by balancing all sorts on the machine and then printing out the stamps. Must have cost them a small fortune that week"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1995816481922118055)  2025-12-02T11:25Z 1.1M followers, 85.9K engagements


"As a disabled person I aspire to be the person the DWP think I am"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1995846679635894667)  2025-12-02T13:25Z 1.1M followers, 102.9K engagements


"Mum had dementia and I took her car keys away. She demanded I return them. I lied and said I didn't have them but I'd help her find them. Every morning like the movie Groundhog Day we'd play out the same scene. My cousin called it "gentle deception" but it felt like a lie to me"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1995861780103373048)  2025-12-02T14:25Z 1.1M followers, 169.8K engagements


"In the days before Spotify I'd look through the CD wallets in customers cars that I was working on. If there was anything in there that I wanted I would burn a copy of it to CDR for myself. Also once added XX% to a bill for finding a Nickelback CD"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1995922172749963674)  2025-12-02T18:25Z 1.1M followers, 89.7K engagements


"I've worn really distinctive clothing for years but in my 60s I just felt I wanted to look normal. I gave a dozen boxes of clothes to the local charity shop and now I keep seeing people in my old clothes; I realised I have looked like a twat for years"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1995937267316056195)  2025-12-02T19:25Z 1.1M followers, 172.5K engagements


"Drinking on my own one evening after work in 'spoons surrounded by lonely old men. I then realised I was one of them"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1995967467479318976)  2025-12-02T21:25Z 1.1M followers, 128.9K engagements


"Dont miss Fesshole Live Grab tickets for Leicester Luton or Leeds. The Sweden Tour stops in Malm Gteborg and Stockholm and Anon Opin hits Leicester too"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1996129824960663780)  2025-12-03T08:10Z 1.1M followers, 64.6K engagements


"The best thing about Christmas shopping is hitting my wife and kids on the head with tubes of wrapping paper"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1996133561661804820)  2025-12-03T08:25Z 1.1M followers, 134.7K engagements


"14 years old in the early 00s and downloading games off Usenet. Shitty dialup took weeks to get anything and someone offered to send a CD. It still shocks me that a stack of CDs turned up at my house and I'm not the subject of a murder documentary"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1996148664067051546)  2025-12-03T09:25Z 1.1M followers, 100.8K engagements


"I used to use Microsoft Excel to talk to a married woman when I was in my early 20s. She would share the file with me and we could see changes in the file. We would just erase and save new messages"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1996163760939999256)  2025-12-03T10:25Z 1.1M followers, 174.2K engagements


"I'm about to be made redundant. 1200 jobs reduced to ashes since investors took over. It'll be officially announced in January so not everyone is aware it's happening yet. I'm currently ripping all client data off onto hard drives so I can start a company with my coworkers"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1996178862258929818)  2025-12-03T11:25Z 1.1M followers, 571.3K engagements


"Just because you're not in jail doesn't mean you're not guilty. Share your confession here:"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1996187668632191216)  2025-12-03T12:00Z 1.1M followers, 63.9K engagements


"Since my wife started working from home like me I never get the place to myself. So every night I stay up late after she's fallen asleep watching TV & reading. Next day I'm knackered. Stuck in a loop of tiredness & headaches but can't stop. Wish she'd get an office job again"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1996193965956112394)  2025-12-03T12:25Z 1.1M followers, 125.2K engagements


"While walking my dog in woods I found a large tea-flask. It had been hollowed out and was packed with drugs. Little bags of Heroin and cocaine and XXX. I told the police where and what but kept the money. They put it back and later arrested two dealers"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1996284558811996597)  2025-12-03T18:25Z 1.1M followers, 223.4K engagements


"I work in a police custody suite lad came in for dealing cocaine having hidden it on his person. Found a small vial with powder in it and I poured it out on thinking it was gear turned out to be his dad's ashes. Felt mortified and have always felt terrible over it"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1996314755867271303)  2025-12-03T20:25Z 1.1M followers, 122.7K engagements


"My 40-year-old wife went to buy champagne for our wedding anniversary dinner. I phoned the off licence after she left gave a description of her and what she was buying and requested they ask her for ID. She came home absolutely beaming. It's the simple things"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1996329857152671763)  2025-12-03T21:25Z 1.1M followers, 3.5M engagements


"I work from home and have found a way of appearing to be online and look busy. No one can send a Teams message as it looks like I'm presenting a meeting I'm presenting to no one and use this time to catch up on sleep. I'm too addicted to online games to sleep at night"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1996495952027254846)  2025-12-04T08:25Z 1.1M followers, 183.4K engagements


"My dad always pissed on the toilet seat and never wiped it up. I got so sick of this I started to use his sponge to mop it up before sitting for a dump. I did this for at least a year and he never swapped that sponge out up until I moved out. Piss face. Bet he still pisses on it"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1996541249101209731)  2025-12-04T11:25Z 1.1M followers, 93.6K engagements


"Recently been clearing out my late dad's house and found his frankly vast porn collection. It is so meticulously catalogued and organised I don't have the heart to get rid and now I need to find an excuse for why we need an extra shed"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1996646946136576474)  2025-12-04T18:25Z 1.1M followers, 109.2K engagements


"I have a large collection of order of service books from funerals I've been to over the years. I keep them in a box in the boot of my car. I can't seem to throw them in the bin after the service as it seems so disrespectful. What are you supposed to do with them"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1996662042753679506)  2025-12-04T19:25Z 1.1M followers, 172K engagements


"Seen a fantastic Black Friday deal on a robot vacuum cleaner which would be perfect for my flat. Can't bring myself to buy it as it would break Henry's heart"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1996858340257759534)  2025-12-05T08:25Z 1.1M followers, 78.6K engagements


"Girlfriend called me in a panic. She had called the police who had swarmed our son's preschool because he was missing nobody could find him. Cops had a helicopter out dogs everywhere and everything. Turned out I dropped him off at the wrong preschool that morning"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1996873439215313125)  2025-12-05T09:25Z 1.1M followers, 402K engagements


"I've started to read my son one of the Jeremy Clarksons farming books at night when putting him to bed. It's my new favourite part of the day"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1996888544678211877)  2025-12-05T10:25Z 1.1M followers, 69.4K engagements


"Instead of just letting my son watch Bluey or any of the crap children love nowadays I got him hooked to my childhood series. Now he is asking Santa for toys from those shows. You don't want to know how much I've spent on vintage figurines. Made my own bed didn't I"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1996903635125522936)  2025-12-05T11:25Z 1.1M followers, 124.8K engagements


"I chatted to a random guy at a bar for over an hour. The next day at the same bar he never acknowledged me. For the last 3yrs I've taken any and every opportunity to say hello to him often shouting across a room supermarket pub or DIY store. It's rude to ignore someone"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1996933842951696597)  2025-12-05T13:25Z 1.1M followers, 202K engagements


"I once shouted out of my car window "Haha You life is over" to what I thought was a wedding outside of a church. I was then smacked by my girlfriend saying "What did you say that for". It was a funeral. Walton in Essex. Must have been around 2008"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1997039531292279033)  2025-12-05T20:25Z 1.1M followers, 123.9K engagements


"My wife likes music festivals costs us a packet and I have to tag along for company. She keeps signing our joint email address up to receive info on upcoming events. She hasn't realised yet that for the past year I click on Unsubscribe at the bottom of them"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1997220727234183213)  2025-12-06T08:25Z 1.1M followers, 91.8K engagements


"I always see these battery recycling points at the supermarket and yet I have never once in my adult life used one. Dead AA batteries go in the trash. Sorry binmen"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1997281125887053999)  2025-12-06T12:25Z 1.1M followers, 214.3K engagements


"I work at a shop at an airport. The new seating opposite the shop has chargers in them but the seating isn't plugged in. It keeps me entertained seeing person after person plug their chargers in to one socket then another and I stand there quietly watching them laughing inside"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1997432117836255387)  2025-12-06T22:25Z 1.1M followers, 106.7K engagements


"55 years old and only just found out that the cowboy in Glen Campbell's song does not weigh nine stones"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1997628418683208016)  2025-12-07T11:25Z 1.1M followers, 117.3K engagements


"I feel like Commander Adama warning people he won't have a network on the Galactica when I tell my family that under no circumstances will I allow a smart device into my house. No internet connected doorbells washing machines air fryers lightbulbs. None. Not during my watch"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1997734109221650603)  2025-12-07T18:25Z 1.1M followers, 105.7K engagements


"I'm XX years old and recently took my kids to the cinema. The young lady serving the popcorn struck up a conversation with me because I was wearing a Paramore t-shirt. Closest I've felt to being cool in about a decade. Thank you kind stranger at Cineworld"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1997749207025770769)  2025-12-07T19:25Z 1.1M followers, 117.1K engagements


"In the work toilets nearest my part of the office there are two brands of hand dryer. One is a Dyson but because James Dyson was a Brexit-backing bellend I never use it and always switch it off at the wall fuse. Fuck him"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1997764307325419831)  2025-12-07T20:25Z 1.1M followers, 213.9K engagements


"9 years ago I babysat friends one year old daughter so they could go out and celebrate their anniversary. She fell off the sofa while I was looking at my phone and bumped her head. I've never told them. She seems to be doing okay but is thick as two short planks"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1997779408078221503)  2025-12-07T21:25Z 1.1M followers, 163.5K engagements


"My aunt XX is so proud of her banana skin and teabag concoction to keep lavender plants healthy that she tells everyone about it. We don't have the heart to admit that three times every year my wife just replaces the one she keeps killing with banana skins and teabags"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1997945500360650823)  2025-12-08T08:25Z 1.1M followers, 81.7K engagements


"Until I was well into my 20s I thought Van Morrison was one of those surname-on-its-own singers like Morrissey and that the 'Van' part of it was a stupid affectation he'd added to make it sound like he was of Dutch heritage. This isn't a shit joke. I really thought this"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1998005899126780066)  2025-12-08T12:25Z 1.1M followers, 107.7K engagements


"I'm an author. Everyone who gives my books a 1-star review which not to be cocky is rather rare I use their name to create a terrible hated character in my next book who gets killed off most gruesomely. You've been warned"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1998096498475602036)  2025-12-08T18:25Z 1.1M followers, 113.3K engagements


"Husband writes a Christmas round robin. He emails it to me to print and post. I'm going to add "(Me) is leaving me. Despite saving (her) name in my phone as Declan she discovered the affair". Going to put it between his new car news and the "Wishing you a great Christmas""  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1998307888880595081)  2025-12-09T08:25Z 1.1M followers, 210.1K engagements


"Catch Fesshole Live in Leicester Luton and Leeds tickets available now Were off to Sweden too visiting Malm Gteborg and Stockholm and bringing Anon Opin to Leicester"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1998307931859615954)  2025-12-09T08:25Z 1.1M followers, 58K engagements


"I always pick the most expensive items from a shops lunchtime meal deal. Most of the time I don't even like or want what I have picked but at least I feel like I have cheated the shop. I win"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1998353195869851682)  2025-12-09T11:25Z 1.1M followers, 67.3K engagements


"My Mum died earlier this year. She was a narcissist who made my life miserable. My family left me to make all the arrangements. She picked the songs for her funeral and told me she had always hated The Lord is My Shepherd. It played at the church and at the crematorium"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1998368292579196949)  2025-12-09T12:25Z 1.1M followers, 134K engagements


"Come along to Fesshole Live Tickets available for Leicester Luton and Leeds. The Sweden Tour includes Malm Gteborg and Stockholm. Were also doing Anon Opin in Leicester"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1998670324343226856)  2025-12-10T08:25Z 1.1M followers, 37.3K engagements


"A few years ago I got a parcel delivered to me by mistake for a similar sounding address that's X streets over. When I took it round the guy living there was an arsehole so ever since then I've kept anything delivered to me in error or shredded it if it's a boring NHS letter"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1998700477026836913)  2025-12-10T10:25Z 1.1M followers, 41.5K engagements


"Filling out the blood donation form is depressing as it illustrates how boring and predictable my life has been "  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1994321628574961891)  2025-11-28T08:25Z 1.1M followers, 70.7K engagements


"Pulled a hottie. At hers I saw an Alcolock on her dresser. I said "Are you allowed to remove that from your car" She said "Why would I use my vibrator in my car" I tried to explain which made it worse so she invited me to leave"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1998730683833852161)  2025-12-10T12:25Z 1.1M followers, 143.8K engagements