# ![@fesshole Avatar](https://lunarcrush.com/gi/w:26/cr:twitter::1007749631818821638.png) @fesshole Fesshole🧻

Fesshole🧻 posts on X about in the, secret, sweden, stockholm the most. They currently have [---------] followers and [---] posts still getting attention that total [---------] engagements in the last [--] hours.

### Engagements: [---------] [#](/creator/twitter::1007749631818821638/interactions)
![Engagements Line Chart](https://lunarcrush.com/gi/w:600/cr:twitter::1007749631818821638/c:line/m:interactions.svg)

- [--] Week [----------] -25%
- [--] Month [----------] +115%
- [--] Months [-----------] +1.80%
- [--] Year [-----------] -65%

### Mentions: [---] [#](/creator/twitter::1007749631818821638/posts_active)
![Mentions Line Chart](https://lunarcrush.com/gi/w:600/cr:twitter::1007749631818821638/c:line/m:posts_active.svg)

- [--] Week [---] -3.40%
- [--] Month [---] +16%
- [--] Months [-----] +70%
- [--] Year [-----] -16%

### Followers: [---------] [#](/creator/twitter::1007749631818821638/followers)
![Followers Line Chart](https://lunarcrush.com/gi/w:600/cr:twitter::1007749631818821638/c:line/m:followers.svg)

- [--] Week [---------] -0.06%
- [--] Month [---------] -0.28%
- [--] Months [---------] -0.50%
- [--] Year [---------] -0.52%

### CreatorRank: [-----] [#](/creator/twitter::1007749631818821638/influencer_rank)
![CreatorRank Line Chart](https://lunarcrush.com/gi/w:600/cr:twitter::1007749631818821638/c:line/m:influencer_rank.svg)

### Social Influence

**Social category influence**
[travel destinations](/list/travel-destinations)  9% [countries](/list/countries)  7.96% [stocks](/list/stocks)  #4904 [technology brands](/list/technology-brands)  2.08% [automotive brands](/list/automotive-brands)  1.04% [social networks](/list/social-networks)  1.04% [finance](/list/finance)  1.04% [celebrities](/list/celebrities)  1.04% [luxury brands](/list/luxury-brands)  0.35% [premier league](/list/premier-league)  0.35%

**Social topic influence**
[in the](/topic/in-the) #856, [secret](/topic/secret) 6.92%, [sweden](/topic/sweden) #146, [stockholm](/topic/stockholm) #17, [history](/topic/history) 6.23%, [food](/topic/food) #1340, [night](/topic/night) 2.08%, [if you](/topic/if-you) 2.08%, [the first](/topic/the-first) 1.73%, [uni](/topic/uni) #382

**Top accounts mentioned or mentioned by**
[@thinkinvest_](/creator/undefined) [@madcyril2001](/creator/undefined) [@cutesmiles_](/creator/undefined) [@glasgowgiant](/creator/undefined) [@junkenstein72](/creator/undefined) [@datmorganx](/creator/undefined) [@leolion41](/creator/undefined) [@markybf1](/creator/undefined) [@pucatub](/creator/undefined) [@the_komidian](/creator/undefined) [@onastrangeday](/creator/undefined) [@_scottishblonde](/creator/undefined) [@fn_based](/creator/undefined) [@sboy71](/creator/undefined) [@fawnmeats](/creator/undefined) [@wafflesinfo](/creator/undefined) [@irate_jobbie](/creator/undefined) [@ternil90896](/creator/undefined) [@aladepepe](/creator/undefined) [@richharrris](/creator/undefined)

**Top assets mentioned**
[Alphabet Inc Class A (GOOGL)](/topic/$googl)
### Top Social Posts
Top posts by engagements in the last [--] hours

"Son turns [--] next week.Went into the toilet after him and saw a huge jobby staring up at me. Got emotional when I realised that I hadn't seen one of his jobbies since he was a toddler.Then I had a rush of pride as I realised how big it was.Went through and gave him a big hug"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2019507580599423394)  2026-02-05T20:25Z 1.1M followers, 327K engagements


"When I was [--] I was taken home by a [--] year old lady. Before going upstairs she had to feed the spiders and other creatures in glass tanks. I said "it's like The Really Wild Show". She laughed her housemate was Howie Watkin the presenter of the show"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2020458849568793015)  2026-02-08T11:25Z 1.1M followers, 513.3K engagements


"I own a pair of polyester socks that i absolutely hate. They are the most uncomfortable ugly socks one could imagine. I do however wear them all the time as I am too cheap to throw away a perfectly fine pair of socks before they are worn out"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2019175391571685432)  2026-02-04T22:25Z 1.1M followers, 92.5K engagements


"Girlfriend dumped me on account of my chronic farting. I was depressed for a few days and didn't go out and didn't have any milk or cheese in the fridge. No farting. I've since cut out Yazoo and Nesquick and barely fart at all these days. Who says men can't gain self knowledge"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2020549443792052400)  2026-02-08T17:25Z 1.1M followers, 352.5K engagements


"Quit being a Dr in the US when I discovered that the hospital favored low-priority rich people for organ transplants over high-priority very sick poor kids who were at death's door. I moved to UK & now work in the NHS. You guys have no idea how fucking lucky you are to have them"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1728781915686146318)  2023-11-26T14:25Z 1.1M followers, 1.8M engagements


"I started recording all my sexual activity in an app - could see the amount the trends the activities. It's wormed into my brain so much that as I'm cumming I'm immediately thinking about what star rating to give it. I've ruined sex and wanking"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1736845043263062410)  2023-12-18T20:25Z 1.1M followers, 370.6K engagements


"Every [--] months I visit my chiropractor who pummels me for [--] minutes after which he asks me if I feel better. I never do but lie and say yes then pay him [--]. Sometimes I actually feel in worse physical shape afterwards"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1904238040995819696)  2025-03-24T18:25Z 1.1M followers, 309.3K engagements


"I used to fantasise about being a dominatrix. Actually got a chance to give it a go once with a dude I met on a dating site. My word it was hard work. Now I fantasise about having that much time and energy"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2010689482803053024)  2026-01-12T12:25Z 1.1M followers, 152.3K engagements


"Sister in law is Polish. Lovely girl. On Christmas Day brother informed me of the fact they had a LIVE CARP in their bath for days and ate it on Xmas Eve. Feel like more people need to be aware of this tradition"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2011474650539151805)  2026-01-14T16:25Z 1.1M followers, 295.2K engagements


"I think it's time to confess that my favourite bit of winter isn't Christmas or clear frosty mornings or hot chocolate by log fires or any of that rubbish. No it's using a freshly-filled dog poo bag as a handwarmer on a cold walk. No other feeling comes close"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2012818505263984965)  2026-01-18T09:25Z 1.1M followers, 116.9K engagements


"In [----] we had "computing class" in school with networked BBC Micros. A boy sent a rude message to a girl at another computer and the teacher told him off stressing how words can still be hurtful via a computer. I wonder if this was one of the first cases of cyber-bullying"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2012863807987556721)  2026-01-18T12:25Z 1.1M followers, 133.7K engagements


"Could see the woman in the flat opposite having some alone time. Thought it would be courteous to knock on her door and tell her. Yep. Moved out soon after as I was now a pervert apparently"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2012878900821414005)  2026-01-18T13:25Z 1.1M followers, 307K engagements


"Just been diagnosed with diabetes. That's not the fess the fess is that my first time as a pro domme he asked me to piss in his mouth I did and he promptly stopped the session to tell to get myself tested"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2012999698353738096)  2026-01-18T21:25Z 1.1M followers, 355.9K engagements


"Come to Fesshole Live in [----] Tickets are now on sale for Glasgow Leicester Luton and Leeds. The Sweden Tour visits Malm Gteborg and Stockholm and Anon Opin hits Leicester and Glasgow . Best of Fesshole audience confessions secret history & more: https://sites.google.com/view/fesshole https://sites.google.com/view/fesshole"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2013105418470301706)  2026-01-19T04:25Z 1.1M followers, 66.4K engagements


"The biggest boost to my self esteem comes when my [--] y/o gives me a bed time cuddle and tells me he's proud of me normally for doing something quite straightforward like getting him a drink for bed"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2013195990044479894)  2026-01-19T10:25Z 1.1M followers, 118.1K engagements


"There is nothing I find more frustrating than when you're sitting on the loo and you think you've absolutely dropped the bomb and when you take a look it's barely the size of a pig in a blanket"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2013286593344188568)  2026-01-19T16:25Z 1.1M followers, 123.1K engagements


"Kids have finally gone back to school and my wife has gone back to work after the Christmas break. After [--] days I finally have the house to myself and can shit in peace. I've terrible stage fright and is why I went WFH in the first place. Three hefty dumps so far and counting"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2013331884349051044)  2026-01-19T19:25Z 1.1M followers, 158.7K engagements


"I keep the birthdays of old Doctor Who actors memorised so I don't panic if I see them trend on that day"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2013377184560185677)  2026-01-19T22:25Z 1.1M followers, 87.8K engagements


"Every couple of months I dig my fingernail hard into the area of gum behind my front teeth bottom set. It produces an exquisite sensation and a delicious post-injury throb. I poke it several days more for good feels. Then I fret about possible infection and let it heal"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2013603678020636978)  2026-01-20T13:25Z 1.1M followers, 182.1K engagements


"Due to acid reflux I now can't drink beer in the evenings. So I'm going to have to shift to drinking it in the afternoons which sounds wrong but I can't exactly identify why"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2013724472084156500)  2026-01-20T21:25Z 1.1M followers, 143.1K engagements


"Being a depressed middle aged divorcee I have sedatives to help sleep and little blue pills to help on rare occasions where I might get laid I keep both in my bedside cabinet. Took the wrong one last night in the dark and fell asleep almost straight away and didn't get laid"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2013754672448696368)  2026-01-20T23:25Z 1.1M followers, 200.6K engagements


"Come to Fesshole Live in [----] Tickets are now on sale for Glasgow Leicester Luton and Leeds. The Sweden Tour visits Malm Gteborg and Stockholm and Anon Opin hits Leicester and Glasgow . Best of Fesshole audience confessions secret history & more: https://sites.google.com/view/fesshole https://sites.google.com/view/fesshole"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2013830191487795687)  2026-01-21T04:25Z 1.1M followers, 71.5K engagements


"After [--] months and [--] week long trips I've finally pooped whilst my boyfriend has been in the flat. To say that I am relieved that we have finally hit this relationship milestone is an understatement"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2013905665505337421)  2026-01-21T09:25Z 1.1M followers, 123.3K engagements


"On a first date. She leaned over to show me a pic on her phone a message popped up saying 'never mind looks aren't everything' Our eyes met in disbelief. Tried to laugh it off but was clearly upset. On the way out I loudly hit my head on a door as it swung open too"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2013920767344295943)  2026-01-21T10:25Z 1.1M followers, 3.7M engagements


"My wife looked at our joint account and realised that I had spent hundreds on an app. Concerned she asked me if I was using escorts or prostitutes or using a porn app. I didn't answer as I couldn't admit I have spent hundreds on Candy Crush"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2013935870399689055)  2026-01-21T11:25Z 1.1M followers, 186.2K engagements


"Neighbour allows his dog to shit on my drive and doesn't clear it up. His beautiful new BMW is having issues. Can't wait for the mechanics to figure out its because his exhaust is slowly being filled with said shit"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2013950974272958783)  2026-01-21T12:25Z 1.1M followers, 249.7K engagements


"I bought a flat last year after living with my parents and the best times I've had in it so far are when my dad & I painted the walls and built furniture"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2013966073117212752)  2026-01-21T13:25Z 1.1M followers, 165.1K engagements


"I quit my job as a bus driver not because of the rude passengers or incompetent management it was the endless waving at other bus drivers that broke me"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2013981171059745244)  2026-01-21T14:25Z 1.1M followers, 116.3K engagements


"New boss casually used the word "dramastically" in a meeting and no batted an eye. Tried it myself a few times no reactions from anyone. Beginning to think they all believe it's actually a word or it somehow became one without me knowing"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2013996263088234978)  2026-01-21T15:25Z 1.1M followers, 149.1K engagements


"Wife and mum of two teens. I love my family so much. However we function so much better as a three it doesn't matter who. Husband visits his mum for week house is calm I sleep through the night. Daughter away at uni house is calm and tidy"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2014011372976091572)  2026-01-21T16:25Z 1.1M followers, 248.1K engagements


"My Sainsbury's year end review said my most frequent purchase was not my favourite beer not crisps not fruit or veg but pre packed boiled eggs. Jesus wept"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2014056663666278740)  2026-01-21T19:25Z 1.1M followers, 103.3K engagements


"My mum and her friend took me and her friend's daughter to Cadbury's World back in the 80s. We were allowed to eat all the chocolate we wanted which we translated as everything we could. I couldn't bear to eat chocolate for seven years after that visit"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2014071761529086289)  2026-01-21T20:25Z 1.1M followers, 150.4K engagements


"I work from home a lot. Some days there's not much work to do so I wait for my wife and son to go out and shout "BIG DAY IN THE BIG BOYS BED' and both dogs run upstairs to burrow under the bed covers and we all have a mid-morning nap together. It's the highlight of my week"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2014086860964876522)  2026-01-21T21:25Z 1.1M followers, 388.6K engagements


"Come to Fesshole Live in [----] Tickets are now on sale for Glasgow Leicester Luton and Leeds. The Sweden Tour visits Malm Gteborg and Stockholm and Anon Opin hits Leicester and Glasgow . Best of Fesshole audience confessions secret history & more: https://sites.google.com/view/fesshole https://sites.google.com/view/fesshole"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2014192582931144948)  2026-01-22T04:25Z 1.1M followers, 61.4K engagements


"My ex-wife bought me a great pen weighty & smooth that I still use & have a cache of replacement cartridges for. I recently got promoted & my wife bought me an expensive pen as a gift but it's inferior in every way. I'm in a quandary as to how to continue using my favourite"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2014283161488732551)  2026-01-22T10:25Z 1.1M followers, 207.2K engagements


"Our local Council publishes citizens' requested Valentine's messages in the municipal magazine and on electronic billboards in the streets. They do not know that the annual innocent sentiments expressed between Casper and Miss Tomato are actually my daughter's soft toys"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2014298261482311774)  2026-01-22T11:25Z 1.1M followers, 78.7K engagements


"Mrs got me on this diet but when shopping I started sneaking snacks. It built up making me late but if asked I'd say got stuck talking to the old lady down street. Once pulled this and next day we found out she died days ago. Now gotta fake believing in ghosts"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2014313352541917681)  2026-01-22T12:25Z 1.1M followers, 191.6K engagements


"Broke up with someone because we went out for a curry with friends and he karate chopped the plate of poppadoms "so we could all share" despite there being more than enough to have [--] each. I don't need that in my life"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2014358650161189097)  2026-01-22T15:25Z 1.1M followers, 326.2K engagements


"Back in the days of Flash websites I was working on a campaign for a popular ABC TV show. Needed a sound effect from the show. Disney were so tight they hadn't given us the DVDs so the quickest way was to pirate the show and rip the audio"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2014403950175219793)  2026-01-22T18:25Z 1.1M followers, 108.1K engagements


"A few years back I was singing Kunt & the Gang's "Use my arsehole as a c**t" to myself while lubing up the Xmas turkey with butter. Normal. What better time for the mother-in-law to walk in We have NEVER mentioned it obv but every festive season I remember and die inside"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2014419049262837917)  2026-01-22T19:25Z 1.1M followers, 199.7K engagements


"Broke up with my long-term girlfriend that I live with yesterday. Told her it was because of her anger issues. Real factor that tipped the balance was the fact she got into the secret Stranger Things episode theory and stayed up til 1am thinking it would be released"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2014449247643443333)  2026-01-22T21:25Z 1.1M followers, 278.3K engagements


"Come to Fesshole Live in [----] Tickets are now on sale for Glasgow Leicester Luton and Leeds. The Sweden Tour visits Malm Gteborg and Stockholm and Anon Opin hits Leicester and Glasgow . Best of Fesshole audience confessions secret history & more: https://sites.google.com/view/fesshole https://sites.google.com/view/fesshole"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2014554972768059596)  2026-01-23T04:25Z 1.1M followers, 62.5K engagements


"After watching Lock Stock I tried ironing a five pound note. I must have set the iron on too high a temperature because it burned the note and bits got stuck to the iron"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2014630443031687462)  2026-01-23T09:25Z 1.1M followers, 94.3K engagements


"My mates now only make any effort to meet up to play boardgames. I fucking hate boardgames but if I don't go I'd have no other opportunity for human interaction that's not through a screen"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2014645552009314715)  2026-01-23T10:25Z 1.1M followers, 122.8K engagements


"Admit your truth today. Submit your fess now: http://b3ta.com/addfess http://b3ta.com/addfess"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2014669451195449380)  2026-01-23T12:00Z 1.1M followers, 51.6K engagements


"I've doubled my income as a carpet and floor fitter uploading videos doing jobs poorly or wrong. Record a shit job and then an hour extra fixing it. Put a perfect clip up you get [--] messages and [---] views. Put a bad one up you get 100s of posts correcting it and 10000s views"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2014675749588832598)  2026-01-23T12:25Z 1.1M followers, 451.9K engagements


"Three mobile fucked up my credit record with a false claim I missed a payment. So I've been visiting any Three shop I find and nicking stuff. Just stupid things that aren't secured like cardboard displays on tables. Trouble is my flat now looks like a Three showroom"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2014705947495600630)  2026-01-23T14:25Z 1.1M followers, 241.1K engagements


"My dad used to be a photographer back in the '80s. Once after a night out full of coke and booze he ended up attending the wrong wedding. The photos were lovely though"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2014736139786076498)  2026-01-23T16:25Z 1.1M followers, 116.6K engagements


"I've never eaten a cream egg. While in B&M today I told my partner why I'd never fancied trying one and she explained to me with a look of utter bemusement that they don't actually taste like an egg dipped in chocolate. I'm 55"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2014751238806475199)  2026-01-23T17:25Z 1.1M followers, 205K engagements


"My wife gets upset unless the TV's volume is set to a prime number (generally [--] or 73) but I have to have it on an even number. The range she selects is fine but need it to be divisible by [--]. So we watch very little TV and mostly read detective novels"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2014781437094899748)  2026-01-23T19:25Z 1.1M followers, 183.5K engagements


"I never read cooking instructions. Once fancied Thai red curry after having one in a restaurant so bought a jar of Blue Dragon red curry paste. Used the whole jar thought it was a bit small. Didn't know about coconut milk. Needed the bog roll in the fridge for the next day"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2014796538199843067)  2026-01-23T20:25Z 1.1M followers, 167.9K engagements


"Teacher here. Year [--] boy shouted the name of a fairly famous porn star at his mate for a reaction. Was just about to have a word but narrowly saved myself from having to move schools. Ignored it. Also can never watch her again"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2014811635303526844)  2026-01-23T21:25Z 1.1M followers, 1.5M engagements


"I am a novelist. I have published both decent and bestselling work. All of my bestsellers were written while I was drunk and depressed. Since I've been sober and happier I've not had a single bestseller"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2014826737167630657)  2026-01-23T22:25Z 1.1M followers, 120.6K engagements


"On Google Street View I used to look at the images of my late dad out in his garden. But all historical images have been removed and his house misted out because the new owner a talentless d-list TV presenter says so. I fucking loathe them"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2014841835466723658)  2026-01-23T23:25Z 1.1M followers, 460.7K engagements


"Come to Fesshole Live in [----] Tickets are now on sale for Glasgow Leicester Luton and Leeds. The Sweden Tour visits Malm Gteborg and Stockholm and Anon Opin hits Leicester and Glasgow . Best of Fesshole audience confessions secret history & more: https://sites.google.com/view/fesshole https://sites.google.com/view/fesshole"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2014917356888178720)  2026-01-24T04:25Z 1.1M followers, 70.1K engagements


"When I was a kid on a school trip to the Wedgwood factory I desperately needed the loo. Teacher said there were none. I snuck off and pissed into a vat. Later learned it was clay for fine china"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2014992832721829907)  2026-01-24T09:25Z 1.1M followers, 120.8K engagements


"One of my housemates is convinced our place is haunted because he hears his name whispered in the hallway at weird times at night and all of us swear we aren't pranking him. It is actually me but he owes me a tenner so fuck him"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2015007938104942774)  2026-01-24T10:25Z 1.1M followers, 127K engagements


"About [--] months after the Blair government allowed pubs to open before 11am a friend and I went out for breakfast pints. We only had [--] before going to the magistrate's court for some free entertainment. I kept yelling "Objection" and the magistrate fined me for being rude"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2015023029219164215)  2026-01-24T11:25Z 1.1M followers, 297.8K engagements


"Recently found a small lump on my testicle. Urologists suspected it was cancer so I had an orchiectomy. The test results found the tumour was benign which is obviously good news but I don't want to be thought of as a cancer faker so I haven't even told my wife or family"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2015053235585736752)  2026-01-24T13:25Z 1.1M followers, 265.1K engagements


"I think I have a RSI in my right wrist due to work but I'm too scared to go to the Doctors incase they think it's been caused by something else"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2015068330072146112)  2026-01-24T14:25Z 1.1M followers, 88.5K engagements


"My dad died a year ago. We clashed a lot. My mums clearing out the kitchen & throwing out all the foods he liked but she doesn't eat. I asked what and she listed all my favourite foods"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2015083426097803585)  2026-01-24T15:25Z 1.1M followers, 2.3M engagements


"My wife thinks the kids use a lot of mouthwash. The truth is I've started pissing in the bathroom sink to save time and use mouthwash to flush"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2015098532231782894)  2026-01-24T16:25Z 1.1M followers, 163.3K engagements


"When I was in my early 20s I walked my mates drunken mum home from the pub. She invited me in and as a thank you sucked me off. She's well into her 70s now but I try not to be around her when she's had a few incase she tries for round two"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2015113628223943032)  2026-01-24T17:25Z 1.1M followers, 328.7K engagements


"A bit twatty I know. Sometimes I get bored find things that are being sold on local Facebook groups and say. "Wasn't this posted as being stolen a while back""  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2015143827481211377)  2026-01-24T19:25Z 1.1M followers, 137K engagements


"Excruciating back pain in the middle of the night but wasn't wearing my glasses when I reached for and took what I thought was codeine. I managed to worm myself. The dog now has her own medicine shelf"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2015174025530499576)  2026-01-24T21:25Z 1.1M followers, 143.3K engagements


"Took an active interest in watching Great Pottery Throwdown with the Mrs as I thought one of the contestants was cute. Had to keep up the pretence for subsequent series. She bought me a clay throwing experience for Christmas. No interest whatsoever"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2015204221855899742)  2026-01-24T23:25Z 1.1M followers, 143K engagements


"We moved to a new office [--] years ago. In the first week we moved in I found a locked door at the bottom of a corridor no-one goes down. Found the key & inside was a bathroom with a shower. Haven't told anyone else & use it as my secret throne. I just have to bring my own loo roll"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2015355225666736274)  2026-01-25T09:25Z 1.1M followers, 301.2K engagements


"The council says we have to make sure plastics are rinsed out before putting them in the recycling so I give my empty yoghurt pots to the dog to lick before popping them in the brown bin. He does a great job and they look spotless"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2015370324125089905)  2026-01-25T10:25Z 1.1M followers, 107K engagements


"Was talking to someone online that I met via a dating app. They seemed great and we were talking about meeting up. Then they let slip that they regularly went to Manchester United games despite not being from Manchester and having no other link to the city. I ghosted them"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2015385415746822317)  2026-01-25T11:25Z 1.1M followers, 166.5K engagements


"My father had a glut of courgettes from the allotment. We had them every meal for months. I still hate them [--] years on"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2015400517606776948)  2026-01-25T12:25Z 1.1M followers, 105.1K engagements


"My husband is a lot older than me. Part of me is secretly quite glad that he'll most likely die within a decade or so of our children leaving home and I can have the house to myself again"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2015415615272411159)  2026-01-25T13:25Z 1.1M followers, 159K engagements


"Bald teacher here. Had a student about [--] years ago always pull the piss about my lack of hair. Bumped into him recently and now his hairline is receding. To be fair he's doing okay for himself and did apologise for being a piss taker but holy fuck is it satisfying"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2015445814747742613)  2026-01-25T15:25Z 1.1M followers, 284.9K engagements


"Wife bought a stupidly expensive painting when we were in london. Cleaning the house last week I accidentally sprayed polish on it. Tried to wipe it off & it smudged the paint. Tried to fix it with tippex & a felt tip but made it worse. Proper Mr Beaned it. She hasn't noticed yet"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2015476014957154339)  2026-01-25T17:25Z 1.1M followers, 221.4K engagements


"I persuaded my father-in-law to switch mobile phone providers because the one he was using "means the Chinese can listen in" - but really it was just because of the way he pronounced his current provider with a J sound rather than a G"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2015491112513798287)  2026-01-25T18:25Z 1.1M followers, 304.1K engagements


"Wife is in a foul mood with me because she bought the blinds I told her not to buy because they were too big to fit in our kitchen window. Turns out after buying them they are too big to fit in our kitchen window"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2015506218396102759)  2026-01-25T19:25Z 1.1M followers, 351.7K engagements


"I live in a busy part of Central London. I've become obsessed with watching people outside on the ring doorbell. I have videos of people fighting having sex drug dealing shitting pissing and vomiting. I want to put them online but it would be obvious where the camera is"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2015521312182071468)  2026-01-25T20:25Z 1.1M followers, 200.4K engagements


"18. GF agreed to stay over when my parents went to a model railway convention. Pizza. Intermission. Breakfast. We'd saved garlic bread and I warmed it. I served her and asked how much condensed milk she wanted on it. That's when I learned most people have it without"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2015536412603437092)  2026-01-25T21:25Z 1.1M followers, 599.8K engagements


"Hubby was worried that the kids would lock themselves in the toilet so ours has no bolt. Instead we sing to let others know it's occupied. My husband sings Moon River which is lovely. I sing Golden Brown by The Stranglers. Probably not what they had in mind"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2015551514115215860)  2026-01-25T22:25Z 1.1M followers, 144.5K engagements


"Spent summers in the 80s as a kid "working" at parents shop. Tasks included using nail varnish to wipe expired use by dates off base of drink cans ensuring rat droppings not visible from under fridges refilling "fresh" bread with days old stored in black bags to keep soft"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2015566611155919151)  2026-01-25T23:25Z 1.1M followers, 179.3K engagements


"Come to Fesshole Live in [----] Tickets are now on sale for Glasgow Leicester Luton and Leeds. The Sweden Tour visits Malm Gteborg and Stockholm and Anon Opin hits Leicester and Glasgow . Best of Fesshole audience confessions secret history & more: https://sites.google.com/view/fesshole https://sites.google.com/view/fesshole"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2015642135530274964)  2026-01-26T04:25Z 1.1M followers, 65.7K engagements


"I was maid of honour for a friend. As a nurse I didn't flinch at helping her use the loo in the big dress - even wiping when she needed an emergency poo. I took perverse pleasure in discovering she'd removed all her foof hair for her husband but had neglected her hairy bumhole"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2015717616250130893)  2026-01-26T09:25Z 1.1M followers, 272.7K engagements


"I often serve a "chips salad" for dinner. It's homsetyle chips thin fries crinkle cut and crispy potato slices. I obviously serve it with either brown or red sauce as desired so it's a carb and a vegetable"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2015732713014136888)  2026-01-26T10:25Z 1.1M followers, 109.7K engagements


"Colleagues at my day job recently found out I volunteer at a local charity shop. They think I'm nice I guess. Can't tell them I'm actually there doing [---] hours community service for common assault"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2015747814844735687)  2026-01-26T11:25Z 1.1M followers, 207K engagements


"Once interviewed Van Morrison and it was even worse than I feared. He hid behind sunglasses and under a daft hat mute while his fluffer kept saying "The Man will not answer that". My editor ordered me not to mention that at the time so here I am"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2015762905963061635)  2026-01-26T12:25Z 1.1M followers, 187.3K engagements


"My wife & I have been in a [--] yr game of that's what she said. At parents' evening the teacher was telling us how this next term will require lots of studying so will be long & hard. We both looked at each other & couldn't keep a straight face. Teacher clearly thinks we are cunts"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2015793105098698916)  2026-01-26T14:25Z 1.1M followers, 477.5K engagements


"I run the tap when I flush the toilet to dilute my wee and poo so that the drain won't think I'm too gross"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2015823301575061987)  2026-01-26T16:25Z 1.1M followers, 108.7K engagements


"Been a cleaner for [--] years and I've seen some gross stuff in my time but for some reason the one thing that really churns my stomach is seeing a bloke at work eat a tin of soup every day for lunch - cold and straight out of the can with a spoon he just licks clean"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2015883699338829870)  2026-01-26T20:25Z 1.1M followers, 167.9K engagements


"My boyfriend has started collecting his excess earwax. He says he's going to make enough for a candle on his birthday cake and light it. I'm leaving him before his birthday. About to sign on a 1-bed flat"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2015898800074735930)  2026-01-26T21:25Z 1.1M followers, 175.3K engagements


"I always walk the long way to go to work or come home. I only do this because my nose works. There's a McDonalds on the short route and it smells horrific. There's a chippy on the long route which smells magnificent"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2015928997553561843)  2026-01-26T23:25Z 1.1M followers, 121.3K engagements


"Been secretly vaping since last February. Gave up on 1st Jan this year. Over the moon that I've managed [--] weeks vape free but can't tell anyone"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2016080002018652240)  2026-01-27T09:25Z 1.1M followers, 141.6K engagements


"Engineer here. I've stayed in [--] Travelodges over the past couple of years for work. In every room I've stayed in I've unscrewed the bland corporate art over the bed and rehung it upside down"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2016095099021603312)  2026-01-27T10:25Z 1.1M followers, 241.9K engagements


"As a mother who works full time I'm sick of drudgery. Faced with a mountain of laundry I refold the dirty towels and put them back to be used again. Let those thoughtless fools dry themselves on each other's filth. I use clean fluffy towels that I hide in my wardrobe"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2016155493694116123)  2026-01-27T14:25Z 1.1M followers, 185.7K engagements


"I'm writing this in the tub as I start the second hour of my bath. I keep running more hot water as it gets cold. I'm going to have to get out soon though my battery is on 7%"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2016170590093127916)  2026-01-27T15:25Z 1.1M followers, 95.8K engagements


"My boarding school dance was looming (1980s). Much locker room talk of French Kissing technique. I was born tongue tied and so ridiculed for not being able to function properly. I unwisely resolved this with a pair of nail scissors and self administered surgery"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2016200791854334383)  2026-01-27T17:25Z 1.1M followers, 200.2K engagements


"My grandad used to love his allotment until one summer when I was very young when I planted a whole row of lightbulbs thinking they would grow into lamps. He was finding shards of glass for years and once seriously cut himself. Always felt guilty I ruined his favourite hobby"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2016215890644082998)  2026-01-27T18:25Z 1.1M followers, 193.3K engagements


"I still get nervous when meeting important clients for my job so I've started imagining myself shuffling sideways into the room like a crab while snapping my hands like crab claws and shouting "crabby crab crab". Seems to help but I'm a bit worried I'll actually do it one day"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2016230991048634877)  2026-01-27T19:25Z 1.1M followers, 109.5K engagements


"Come to Fesshole Live in [----] Tickets are now on sale for Glasgow Leicester Luton and Leeds. The Sweden Tour visits Malm Gteborg and Stockholm and Anon Opin hits Leicester and Glasgow . Best of Fesshole audience confessions secret history & more: https://sites.google.com/view/fesshole https://sites.google.com/view/fesshole"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2016366910376448356)  2026-01-28T04:25Z 1.1M followers, 55.8K engagements


"My grown children always tease me that porridge made with water is my favourite food because it's all they saw me eat. I hate porridge. I only ate it because it was 50p for a bag and I didn't want to let them know we were poor as shit. The 'proper food' was for them"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2016472581574885806)  2026-01-28T11:25Z 1.1M followers, 722.2K engagements


"When I eat a Peperami I chew it swallow then semi regurgitate the bolus from my throat to really extract all the salty goodness out of it. I feel a bit like a pelican"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2016487688367456374)  2026-01-28T12:25Z 1.1M followers, 88.2K engagements


"I had to give some bloods and the young nurse who was doing it was rather buxom. As I had my arm out and my palm on my knee facing up when she leant forward there was a serious risk of me cupping her boob. When she did lean back for a moment I had to close my hand to avoid it"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2016502778349092901)  2026-01-28T13:25Z 1.1M followers, 177.9K engagements


"I think I'm addicted to rowing with my local Tory councillors on Facebook. It's the first sign I've had that I've definitely hit middle age. They're pricks though without exception"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2016517886106390660)  2026-01-28T14:25Z 1.1M followers, 103.2K engagements


"Every time I go to my local co-op I've started taking a chocolate bar wrapper and leaving it with the particular product on the shelves. Envisage that staff will keep finding them and think they have someone eating them in shop. I'm a [--] year old Professor. What's wrong with me"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2016578277490491891)  2026-01-28T18:25Z 1.1M followers, 116.4K engagements


"I was [--] years old when I discovered I had a separate pee hole and did not wee from my vagina. I have a PhD and have no idea how I went through life not knowing this"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2016593376141848830)  2026-01-28T19:25Z 1.1M followers, 195.6K engagements


"Worked in Dixons as a kid. Store used to give out free CDs as a promotion if you spent whatever it was. Used to steal a blank tape copy the CD and walk out with it in my personal stereo at the end of my shift. Sorry DSG but am sure you could afford to loose a few TDK SA90s"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2016834971046981729)  2026-01-29T11:25Z 1.1M followers, 121.8K engagements


"I once ghosted a friend who I thought was a paedo over a misheard phrase. Before the term "knocking it out of the park" became popular in the UK I thought my mate was 'Knocking one out in the park". Sorry Matt"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2016880268544503932)  2026-01-29T14:25Z 1.1M followers, 172.3K engagements


"Routing through cupboards on the day before a shopping delivery I found some chocolate spread and bread sticks. It was only after the first bite I realised I'd created my own KP Choc Dip. I now fear for my future health"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2016910472478351417)  2026-01-29T16:25Z 1.1M followers, 87.3K engagements


"I am a successful surgeon in my mid 40s. I almost exclusively eat my dinners with a spoon. It doesn't matter what it is it's the best way to eat. I know it also marks me out as a maniac"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2017016164195369124)  2026-01-29T23:25Z 1.1M followers, 104.6K engagements


"Come to Fesshole Live in [----] Tickets on sale for Glasgow Leicester Luton Leeds & Cambridge. Sweden Tour visits Malm Gteborg and Stockholm and Anon Opin hits Leicester and Glasgow. Best of Fesshole audience confessions secret history & more: https://sites.google.com/view/fesshole https://sites.google.com/view/fesshole"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2017091689341485107)  2026-01-30T04:25Z 1.1M followers, 54.8K engagements


"Nose hair getting out of control so I've started pulling them out. I mostly do it when on the toilet. Problem is I sniff inwards to brace myself for the pain and I'm certain people at work think I'm doing coke"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2017212456368476287)  2026-01-30T12:25Z 1.1M followers, 109.6K engagements


"To cut down on my snacking I leave the fridge door open when I take the cheese out. I then allow myself to eat as much cheese a I can fit in before the fridge door alarm starts beeping. It doesn't work but I've gotten really good at cheese roulette"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2017227554516525124)  2026-01-30T13:25Z 1.1M followers, 86.2K engagements


"I've been vegetarian for decades but every time my husband has roasted himself some chicken I secretly go on the kitchen get a slice of bread and mop up the scrumptious savoury juices in the tray and devour it"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2017257763928219811)  2026-01-30T15:25Z 1.1M followers, 99.3K engagements


"Designer here. Company let me go after being bought out by a big American corporate. They still ask me to work on the occasional project which I'm grateful for but I hide a cock n balls in every job. Always makes me smile when I see them in the wild"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1840472875339317526)  2024-09-29T19:25Z 1.1M followers, 228.9K engagements


"My ex passed away last year I found out a month later. Ever since I have been going to his then girlfriends social media accounts everyday because she's my last connection to him it's now become an obsession. We've never met and I had to make a spam account to do it"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1934512527137784123)  2025-06-16T07:25Z 1.1M followers, 249.4K engagements


"When I worked in retail one of the energy drinks we sold ran a competition for VIP Rugby World Cup tickets you just had to peel the label to reveal if you were a winner. On every delivery we had I peeled back every label and restuck it never did win the tickets"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2013543285428453689)  2026-01-20T09:25Z 1.1M followers, 129.5K engagements


"I used to send a spreadsheet to the Exec Team with "Fuck Off" in the very bottom right hand cell white text on a white cell. Nearly got caught out when my boss couldn't email it to external auditors failing the email profanity filter. IT never worked out why it wouldn't send"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2015430715052089678)  2026-01-25T14:25Z 1.1M followers, 931.8K engagements


"Every time I change trains at Epsom I'm tucking mesmerised by the block of flats opposite platform [--]. Some of you guys should really close your curtains"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2015778004778004665)  2026-01-26T13:25Z 1.1M followers, 249.7K engagements


"My husband gives me the major ick and I can't stand him. But I don't want [--] failed marriages so I spend a lot of time fantasising about him dying. I'd get all the money the house and people would feel sorry for me. There would be casseroles. It would be glorious"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2015838404206866845)  2026-01-26T17:25Z 1.1M followers, 424.5K engagements


"Come to Fesshole Live in [----] Tickets are now on sale for Glasgow Leicester Luton and Leeds. The Sweden Tour visits Malm Gteborg and Stockholm and Anon Opin hits Leicester and Glasgow . Best of Fesshole audience confessions secret history & more: https://sites.google.com/view/fesshole https://sites.google.com/view/fesshole"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2016004524553413058)  2026-01-27T04:25Z 1.1M followers, 61.4K engagements


"Analytics shows me when clients have accessed my server. I also see details of their geographic locations. Many are clearly using VPNs. Which means they've probably been accessing porn. Not my confession but theirs. The dirty buggers"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2016110197857497346)  2026-01-27T11:25Z 1.1M followers, 185.1K engagements


"A nervous student housemate; we convinced him that our digs were haunted. Rigged a system to rattle the coat-hangers in his wardrobe at 3am. He screamed and ran out of the house was a nervous wreck for days. We never told him the truth. That was [--] years ago sorry Mark"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2016276286906196270)  2026-01-27T22:25Z 1.1M followers, 119.2K engagements


"Expensive aftershave when you're [--] years old is very important to you. When your [--] year old brother starts helping himself there is only one thing for it When the bottle emptied I filled it with my urine on the advice of my grandad and let my brother spray himself for weeks"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2016608478333174169)  2026-01-28T20:25Z 1.1M followers, 198.6K engagements


"I haven't pad for a single Cadbury's Cream Egg in over [--] years. I call them Crime Eggs and it makes them even more delicious"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2016623576627937660)  2026-01-28T21:25Z 1.1M followers, 227K engagements


"Come to Fesshole Live in [----] Tickets are now on sale for Glasgow Leicester Luton and Leeds. The Sweden Tour visits Malm Gteborg and Stockholm and Anon Opin hits Leicester and Glasgow . Best of Fesshole audience confessions secret history & more: https://sites.google.com/view/fesshole https://sites.google.com/view/fesshole"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2016729301601919309)  2026-01-29T04:25Z 1.1M followers, 57.2K engagements


"As a child I faked my parents' signatures on my homework diary. The teacher didn't spot it or didn't care even when I signed it using F1 drivers' names. I'd have thought I was pushing my luck signing as Gilles Villeneuve and Nelson Piquet but no"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2016804769445097542)  2026-01-29T09:25Z 1.1M followers, 137.3K engagements


"I only just found out after years of idle wondering that no there's no such thing as an Abyssinian Wire Hound like Gnasher in the Beano. I'm in my mid-30s"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2016819871028318654)  2026-01-29T10:25Z 1.1M followers, 93.6K engagements


"I work away with work and often stay in hotels. I make sure to book hotels with breakfast added to the bill. I then edit the invoice to remove breakfast and create a new invoice for breakfast. Double pay for food allowance"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2016850068964343920)  2026-01-29T12:25Z 1.1M followers, 303.2K engagements


"I'm completely out of my depth. I'm one of [--] people responsible for investment fund of 2bn. I got here by blagging incompetence of my superiors and good timing. I rely on advisors and repeating keywords I've heard from others. I need an exit strategy before I get found out"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2016895366474408127)  2026-01-29T15:25Z 1.1M followers, 565.8K engagements


"You know all that grey dried skin you get in between your toes If you rub it while in water it comes off. I thoroughly cleaned two years worth off of both feet in Centre Parcs pool while waiting for my [--] year old to come down the slide"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2016940666031391199)  2026-01-29T18:25Z 1.1M followers, 240K engagements


"The early bird cathes the worm As a pickpocket let me tell you that's bollocks. The juiciest worms crawl out of bed at noon and venture out looking for food and stinking of weed. Yes I do my best work on campus"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2016955764523286836)  2026-01-29T19:25Z 1.1M followers, 172.4K engagements


"One of the things that I like about working at Uni accommodation is that our office is at a flat so sometimes I come in early to take a shower. They are now thinking of renting it to students for 26/27 year onwards. May have to consider changing jobs"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2016970865271779708)  2026-01-29T20:25Z 1.1M followers, 130.7K engagements


"I'm halfway through a postgraduate degree. Parents are proud family is chuffed friends are impressed but the reason I decided to do it is because I've lost loads of weight since my undergrad and want good pictures in a cap and gown"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2017001062561927174)  2026-01-29T22:25Z 1.1M followers, 102.3K engagements


"I used to be a PA for a billionaire. I once authorised an 8k payment for new cushions for him. This really sticks in my mind as aside from my house I've never paid that amount for anything. Not even a car"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2017197357461389376)  2026-01-30T11:25Z 1.1M followers, 235.8K engagements


"Me returning from the pub aged 18: "I'm stealing these traffic cones for the sheer fun of it." Me returning from the pub tonight aged 45: "I'm stealing these traffic cones to put them on the double yellows by my kids' school to stop people parking dangerously.""  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2017272864894837039)  2026-01-30T16:25Z 1.1M followers, 147.6K engagements


"I do vegan December to get out of having to eat turkey which is a disgusting meat. I make up for it in January by having pork pies for breakfast AND lunch"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2017287956055101694)  2026-01-30T17:25Z 1.1M followers, 81.1K engagements


"Husband has skanky old t-shirts he won't throw away. Leaves on the floor instead of in laundry basket. Guess what I'm using for puppy's new tug toys Plausible deniability"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2017303051493634283)  2026-01-30T18:25Z 1.1M followers, 111.7K engagements


"DPD tells you the name of the driver that'll deliver your parcel. I quite like to thank them by name when they hand it over to freak them out a little. Always gets an awkward smile"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2017318153068433607)  2026-01-30T19:25Z 1.1M followers, 100K engagements


"Come to Fesshole Live in [----] Tickets on sale for Glasgow Leicester Luton Leeds & Cambridge. Sweden Tour visits Malm Gteborg and Stockholm and Anon Opin hits Leicester and Glasgow. Best of Fesshole audience confessions secret history & more: https://sites.google.com/view/fesshole https://sites.google.com/view/fesshole"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2017454074686275711)  2026-01-31T04:25Z 1.1M followers, 62.8K engagements


"Make sure you show your tattoos in your dating profile please. Last week I wasted an hour and a coffee on a someone who had a knuckle tattoo"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2017559753178702015)  2026-01-31T11:25Z 1.1M followers, 110.9K engagements


"It is a testament to the creativity and power of radio advertising that if my wife fancies a shag she now asks if I want to come upstairs to see her new Wickes kitchen"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2017589942835134930)  2026-01-31T13:25Z 1.1M followers, 155.2K engagements


"I've lost twenty five kilos last year dieting. People think they're complimenting me when they say I look so much better but it just hurts my feelings because I thought I carried it well"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2017680542657921224)  2026-01-31T19:25Z 1.1M followers, 144.7K engagements


"The best thing about moving to the countryside is getting a log burner but we get through loads of newspaper. So I now take midnight walks to the local train station and steal the newspapers they leave out. The best time is Saturday night with all the dense weekend papers"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2017710741516669172)  2026-01-31T21:25Z 1.1M followers, 142.4K engagements


"Lost my cat in the divorce. He's "run away" because "he's not getting on with the new girlfriend's dog". I have just "found" him curled up in the back of my car asleep"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2017922136594079892)  2026-02-01T11:25Z 1.1M followers, 681.6K engagements


"If you're sitting in front of me on a flight and without giving a polite cursory look over your shoulder you recline your chair back into my face I will be rolling up and dropping bogeys in your hair for the remainder of the flight"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2018042932851319149)  2026-02-01T19:25Z 1.1M followers, 161.5K engagements


"I hated my replacement wheelchair at first. But then I realised the metal rims stick out further than my old one and are great for scratching the paint off of any cars and vans parked across a pavement I'm using. Had it a month and racked up [--] cars and [--] works vans. [---] stars"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2018269424575197219)  2026-02-02T10:25Z 1.1M followers, 264.7K engagements


"If I had a pound for every football league ground I'd wanked in I would have [--]. Which might not sound like much but I'd imagine it's more than you'd have"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2018344918293303414)  2026-02-02T15:25Z 1.1M followers, 215.2K engagements


"Lockdown: planned to leave my husband - came to hate being cooped up together. When cafes reopened went for a drink but loos were shut. Bladder couldn't cope with the drive home - I wet myself. He ran me a bath put washing on and scrubbed the car seat. Realised he's a keeper"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2016563178646180136)  2026-01-28T17:25Z 1.1M followers, 939K engagements


"We never used the term "cake batter" when I was a kid we said "cake mix." When I first heard cake batter in my early 20s I assumed someone took a slice of cake dipped it in batter and deep fried it. As I'm Scottish I don't think this is completely unreasonable"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2021908398074171778)  2026-02-12T11:25Z 1.1M followers, 96.6K engagements


"I carry a coil of stiff wire former clotheshanger and a small pack of disinfectant wipes wherever I go. Why I do big poos. The wire is for slicing it up the wipes for cleaning the wire after. Only my daughter knows I do this because I've had to chop one of hers once too"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2016261187864875416)  2026-01-27T21:25Z 1.1M followers, 255.3K engagements


"Wife was happy when our 36yo son moved out. When we visited him he had turned his dining room into a war hammer battle room & the spare bedroom a retro gaming room. Wife was furious saying his house is like a nerdy teen's bedroom. Secretly I'm jealous he is living my fantasy"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2017529547864830329)  2026-01-31T09:25Z 1.1M followers, 926K engagements


"Mum died in September. She never left England hated travelling anywhere hated extremes of heat/cold hated 'foreign' food. I travel a lot and take some ashes everywhere and leave them in places she would've fucking hated. It's a big world out there & she's finally seeing it"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1625531573188558849)  2023-02-14T16:25Z 1.1M followers, 2.7M engagements


"Married for [--] years we've spiced up our sex life by writing erotic fiction to each other. Discovered we're both far more depraved than either previously realised. Highly recommended"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2006748512105447530)  2026-01-01T15:25Z 1.1M followers, 524.1K engagements


"My wife died unexpectedly at [--] years old. I miss her so much. I bought a single electric blanket for her side of our bed so that it feels like she's still there when I'm sleeping"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1621968095567921152)  2023-02-04T20:25Z 1.1M followers, 5.1M engagements


"Boyfriend has gotten into the habit of pulling down his trunks and pulling apart his bum cheeks to let out a fart when we're alone. Was quite amusing until he pushed a bit too hard and poo came out. Can't get the image out of my head. Think the relationship is done"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2001373088655495266)  2025-12-17T19:25Z 1.1M followers, 306K engagements


"TICKETS FOR THE SHOWS: Fesshole Live Leicester [--] Feb '26 Leeds [--] Mar '26 Luton [--] Mar '26 Glasgow [--] Mar '26 Malm Sweden [--] Apr '26 Gteborg Sweden [--] Apr '26 Stockholm Sweden [--] Apr '26 Anon Opin Live Leicester 12/13 Feb '26 Glasgow [--] Mar '26 https://sites.google.com/view/fesshole https://sites.google.com/view/fesshole"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2011386557270536667)  2026-01-14T10:34Z 1.1M followers, 658K engagements


"I've had sex with dozens of men many of whom said sexy things to me and asked me to do sexy things. The hottest thing a man said to me was this simple and sincere request: "Can you please let your hair down It's so pretty." I think about it frequently"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2015128725113667688)  2026-01-24T18:25Z 1.1M followers, 1.4M engagements


"Agreed to a threesome with my wife. Mid spit-roast I decided I wasn't into it as she was enjoying the blow job a bit too much so thrust harder to make it harder for her. Of course I soon finished so had to sit in the corner watching her nosh off for another ten minutes. Grim"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2015913899254595906)  2026-01-26T22:25Z 1.1M followers, 445.9K engagements


"I was a trainer at a football camp. A boy whose surname was Tidy went missing. I went to his room to find him & he wasn't there. His room was a pig sty. Said to myself "well I guess he's more Messi than Tidy". It was the greatest pun i'd ever come up with & no-one else heard it"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2016140393318883678)  2026-01-27T13:25Z 1.1M followers, 235.9K engagements


"I had a phase in the late 80s when I did a load of drugs and booze. Rented a room in North London and moved all my stuff in went on a bender lost my paperwork and could not find the place afterwards. My car was outside too never found that either"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2016457486463606827)  2026-01-28T10:25Z 1.1M followers, 806.2K engagements


"I sometimes look in the mirror and pull my lips right back to imagine what my skull would look like should an archaeologist find it in the future. Weird to think of them looking at my teeth and neither they nor anyone else alive having any idea of who I was. Memento mori"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2016925568088871270)  2026-01-29T17:25Z 1.1M followers, 103.2K engagements


"Local Tesco superstore has become increasingly shit after a pointless reorganisation/refurb. As revenge I now leave every fridge/freezer door open and replace any products I pick up in the wrong place"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2016985964485226969)  2026-01-29T21:25Z 1.1M followers, 124.1K engagements


"At [--] thought John Major tucking vest into pants joke was funny. At [--] arse sweating through to my trousers that extra tucked layer is a fucking game changer"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2017167170367529315)  2026-01-30T09:25Z 1.1M followers, 145.5K engagements


"I wrote off my car because I was distracted by a woman's chest. I'm a happily married mum of two but I was suddenly mesmerised by them. I can't even say I was looking at her top she just had a wonderful pair of boobs"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2017182266091311499)  2026-01-30T10:25Z 1.1M followers, 156.4K engagements


"Make your confession count. Submit it via the Fesshole form: http://b3ta.com/addfess http://b3ta.com/addfess"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2017206164908356054)  2026-01-30T12:00Z 1.1M followers, 45.4K engagements


"My partner is proud of being detail oriented. In an emergency situation I repainted the alcove in our room in a different shade to the rest of the room. Its [--] months and she still hasn't found out"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2017242667734700194)  2026-01-30T14:25Z 1.1M followers, 118.2K engagements


"Years ago I developed shooting pains down my left arm and went to A&E on the insistance of my Dad who had heart problems. I was given the all clear by a heart specialist who said it was a muscular issue. Only then I realised it was due to excessive masturbation"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2017333253145845802)  2026-01-30T20:25Z 1.1M followers, 135.8K engagements


"A messy night out ended with a random Chinese which was more swallowed whole than chewed due to my drunken state. After next days afternoon beer shit I went for my first wipe which in turn pulled out a whole semi digested shitty long stem of asparagus out of my puckered arsehole"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2017363451165741376)  2026-01-30T22:25Z 1.1M followers, 225.8K engagements


"I occasionally visit a sex worker in an apartment in a suburban area in middle England I've just looked on google earth and noticed my car parked in its usual place by said apartment when I visit her"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2017378552153293153)  2026-01-30T23:25Z 1.1M followers, 815.7K engagements


"I am a woman in the process of setting my life up to avoid men. The Grok undressing women and children thing just solidified something for me. Every man who thinks that is ok should be on a register"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2017544655798182086)  2026-01-31T10:25Z 1.1M followers, 247.3K engagements


"My wife is organising an extremely expensive trip to Iceland for my next (big) birthday as she thinks it's somewhere I've always wanted to go. The only reason I wanted to go was because in [----] Loaded magazine said Reykjavik has the most beautiful women in the world"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2017605044535722482)  2026-01-31T14:25Z 1.1M followers, 166.1K engagements


"When I have Eczema behind my ear I let my dog lick it and it heals it quicker than when using the cream the doctor gave me"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2017635240689197220)  2026-01-31T16:25Z 1.1M followers, 144K engagements


"My [--] year old son is an absolute nightmare and will only sleep attached to my partner. When he wakes up crying in the middle of the night I take the opportunity to sleep downstairs in my office claiming there's 'no room'. I just love sleeping on the sofa like I'm back at uni"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2017650342301757878)  2026-01-31T17:25Z 1.1M followers, 116.8K engagements


"Went camping in [----]. Didn't shit for [--] days. Driving home we stopped at a tearoom run by a little old lady. My bowels relaxed and I filled that poor woman's toilet to the brim. Leaving she wished us well and said how she was exhausted after a busy day. Sorry little old lady"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2017665442047734257)  2026-01-31T18:25Z 1.1M followers, 283.1K engagements


"My dad's fess. In the 80s he and my uncle left a bar in Edinburgh after a Christmas night out. He noticed a double decker bus parked up outside a social club and the driver had gone to collect his party. He took the bus home and left it on a residential street near the house"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2017695648896688604)  2026-01-31T20:25Z 1.1M followers, 220.9K engagements


"Come to Fesshole Live in [----] Tickets on sale for Glasgow Leicester Luton Leeds & Cambridge. Sweden Tour visits Malm Gteborg and Stockholm and Anon Opin hits Leicester and Glasgow. Best of Fesshole audience confessions secret history & more: https://sites.google.com/view/fesshole https://sites.google.com/view/fesshole"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2017816459829801076)  2026-02-01T04:25Z 1.1M followers, 59K engagements


"At my last job there were tales of a "phantom shitter" going back years. Some unknown person who used to shit in random places. It had apparently not happened for a while so I secretly took up the mantle knowing as it pre-dated me I'd be beyond suspicion"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2017952339475169677)  2026-02-01T13:25Z 1.1M followers, 715.2K engagements


"Went into dominos to pick up my order. Wasn't ready yet noticed someone called David hadn't picked theirs up yet. Messaged my mate out in the car and he came in and collected David's order. We ended up with double the pizza"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2017967436721488172)  2026-02-01T14:25Z 1.1M followers, 479.3K engagements


"I've got a literal wank bank - A Post Office savings account I pay [--] into every time I knock one out. It's a nice little savings pot of about [--] grand a year"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2018012735376650715)  2026-02-01T17:25Z 1.1M followers, 239.2K engagements


"Remote exams are ridiculously easy to cheat at. Managed a full professional qualification with answers on a piece of paper on my knee. Sorry accountants"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2018254329191322108)  2026-02-02T09:25Z 1.1M followers, 140.4K engagements


"Recently bought a used Audi A3 hybrid because it was a surprisingly good bargain. I now spend my days being outrageously courteous to other road users because I don't want to be lumped in with those other shit heads"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2018284519439175689)  2026-02-02T11:25Z 1.1M followers, 117.3K engagements


"I've boycotted a florist/greengrocer in my home town for 30+ years after they treated my brother like shit on a Saturday job. No idea if it's the same owners but fuck em"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2018299627154313426)  2026-02-02T12:25Z 1.1M followers, 137.8K engagements


"Got divorced [--] years ago. It was the right decision. Celebrating with a lower back tattoo now feels like a bad choice though. Very expensive to remove"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2018329824364757491)  2026-02-02T14:25Z 1.1M followers, 109.3K engagements


"No one told me it wasn't cider in the brown plastic bottles being thrown around at Reading Festival [----]. Soon learned"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2018375119429640551)  2026-02-02T17:25Z 1.1M followers, 143.1K engagements


"I'm a lollipop lady. I always make sure I stop the Teslas. Fuck Elon Musk"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2018405316170232183)  2026-02-02T19:25Z 1.1M followers, 190.3K engagements


"I have been a shift worker since I was [--]. It has gotten me out of countless family events birthday parties or things that I just don't want to go to. Don't fancy doing something I'll just say I'm at work even if I'm not. Best decision I've ever made"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2018420416801321140)  2026-02-02T20:25Z 1.1M followers, 149.4K engagements


"I am from a country formerly colonised by the British one famous for tea. I have found that the best way to annoy British people is to casually drop a teabag in a mug of cold water and stick it in the microwave. I don't even like tea. I do it just for the trolling entertainment"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2018450622811414570)  2026-02-02T22:25Z 1.1M followers, 177.3K engagements


"I was about [--] or [--]. My mum was acting weird she looked in the mirror in the hall and spoke out loud saying that she looked pale. Then she went for a nap. I decided to be a good girl and make her look pretty. I painted pink nail varnish circles on her cheeks as she slept"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2018465719311073753)  2026-02-02T23:25Z 1.1M followers, 1.1M engagements


"Come to Fesshole Live in [----] Tickets on sale for Glasgow Leicester Luton Leeds & Cambridge. Sweden Tour visits Malm Gteborg and Stockholm and Anon Opin hits Leicester and Glasgow. Best of Fesshole audience confessions secret history & more: https://sites.google.com/view/fesshole https://sites.google.com/view/fesshole"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2018541238081700039)  2026-02-03T04:25Z 1.1M followers, 57.9K engagements


"I have a thing for a type of shoe I've noticed their popularity follows a [--] year cycle and always preceded by one brand becoming popular. In the last year they have been popular again this is bittersweet as my age means this will be the last time I'll see people wearing them"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2018631816295432384)  2026-02-03T10:25Z 1.1M followers, 326.2K engagements


"Work colleague is obsessed with Prince Harry and his rapidly balding head. Getting regular updates on the level of bald with every new image published. Can't tell her H's head looks like my ex's ballsack as I'm trying to forget about him"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2018646912514019835)  2026-02-03T11:25Z 1.1M followers, 100.2K engagements


"On behalf on my [--] year old daughter whose teacher says she dawdles and daydreams. Apparently she is doing this so she is kept in at break time and doesn't have to go out in the cold. I fear she may be an evil genius"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2018662012620886021)  2026-02-03T12:25Z 1.1M followers, 181.4K engagements


"I am a runner. When I go uphill I move my right arm in a forward circular motion. I'm pretending to be a train. I'm also I'm my mind going choo-chooooooo"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2018677111381184619)  2026-02-03T13:25Z 1.1M followers, 77.5K engagements


"Sainsbury's year end review made me realise how much of a fatty I am number [--] item was caramel tarts. Number [--] buyer in the whole of England"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2018692211743903828)  2026-02-03T14:25Z 1.1M followers, 186K engagements


"Guy iI worked with and have on Facebook was jailed for being a nonce. Only reason I haven't unfriended him is to laugh at the people who wish him Happy Birthday every year and are blatantly unaware of why he's not replying"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2018752604013003205)  2026-02-03T18:25Z 1.1M followers, 202.8K engagements


"I find it hard to find greetings cards for my mum that express how I really feel. There a lot of 'Best mum ever' cards not many say 'Thanks for fulfilling your legal obligations' or 'At least you weren't violent'"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2018767703373209656)  2026-02-03T19:25Z 1.1M followers, 144K engagements


"I work from home. I would never be so unprofessional as to play video games on a 2nd screen during work hours. Instead I stay up all night playing Football Manager in bed and sleep at my desk during work hours"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2018782803584823627)  2026-02-03T20:25Z 1.1M followers, 186.6K engagements


"Been basically vegetarian for years but sneak the occasional Greggs or KFC. The thrill of being caught and shamed adds to the flavour so the closer to our place the better. Decided to tell the wife I've gone full veggie officially so I can ride a bigger high"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2018813003324346697)  2026-02-03T22:25Z 1.1M followers, 96.7K engagements


"My work building is on an enclosed site with no shops. They have never reopened the canteen since Covid so there's no way to buy lunch on site. I therefore take 20mins out of work time every day to drive out to the shops"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2018828102579692001)  2026-02-03T23:25Z 1.1M followers, 177.1K engagements


"Brother and I got a McDonalds and landed number [--] ticket. We stood pretending to zone out on our phones while the poor guy had to call it out repeatedly louder each time to a packed restaurant. We're both in our mid-40s. Sorry"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2019009296894251234)  2026-02-04T11:25Z 1.1M followers, 174.8K engagements


"I work at a major body. As a good deed we regularly give our old computers to local cash-strapped schools. I used to assign only the best to my child's school. Due to their poor response to my child being bullied I now ensure that school only gets the shittiest machines"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2019054600687325363)  2026-02-04T14:25Z 1.1M followers, 181.9K engagements


"Software engineer here. It was pretty obvious the volume of spam calls was going to go through the roof with AI being ubiquitous. So I always try some prompt injection when they call me. Proudest achievement was a [--] minute recital of the digits of pi"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2019084799114100824)  2026-02-04T16:25Z 1.1M followers, 249.1K engagements

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