# ![@fesshole Avatar](https://lunarcrush.com/gi/w:26/cr:twitter::1007749631818821638.png) @fesshole Fesshole🧻

Fesshole🧻 posts on X about sweden, stockholm, secret, history the most. They currently have [---------] followers and [---] posts still getting attention that total [---------] engagements in the last [--] hours.

### Engagements: [---------] [#](/creator/twitter::1007749631818821638/interactions)
![Engagements Line Chart](https://lunarcrush.com/gi/w:600/cr:twitter::1007749631818821638/c:line/m:interactions.svg)

- [--] Week [----------] -4.50%
- [--] Month [----------] +54%
- [--] Months [-----------] +1.50%
- [--] Year [-----------] -65%

### Mentions: [---] [#](/creator/twitter::1007749631818821638/posts_active)
![Mentions Line Chart](https://lunarcrush.com/gi/w:600/cr:twitter::1007749631818821638/c:line/m:posts_active.svg)

- [--] Week [---] -9.20%
- [--] Month [---] +8.70%
- [--] Months [-----] +67%
- [--] Year [-----] -17%

### Followers: [---------] [#](/creator/twitter::1007749631818821638/followers)
![Followers Line Chart](https://lunarcrush.com/gi/w:600/cr:twitter::1007749631818821638/c:line/m:followers.svg)

- [--] Week [---------] -0.05%
- [--] Month [---------] -0.20%
- [--] Months [---------] -0.54%
- [--] Year [---------] -0.51%

### CreatorRank: [-----] [#](/creator/twitter::1007749631818821638/influencer_rank)
![CreatorRank Line Chart](https://lunarcrush.com/gi/w:600/cr:twitter::1007749631818821638/c:line/m:influencer_rank.svg)

### Social Influence

**Social category influence**
[travel destinations](/list/travel-destinations)  7.38% [countries](/list/countries)  6.97% [finance](/list/finance)  #1497 [stocks](/list/stocks)  1.64% [celebrities](/list/celebrities)  1.23% [technology brands](/list/technology-brands)  1.23% [automotive brands](/list/automotive-brands)  0.82% [luxury brands](/list/luxury-brands)  0.41% [premier league](/list/premier-league)  0.41% [currencies](/list/currencies)  0.41%

**Social topic influence**
[sweden](/topic/sweden) #153, [stockholm](/topic/stockholm) #18, [secret](/topic/secret) #3405, [history](/topic/history) #5272, [to the](/topic/to-the) #3429, [food](/topic/food) 4.1%, [in the](/topic/in-the) #308, [night](/topic/night) #697, [come to](/topic/come-to) 2.87%, [all the](/topic/all-the) #2217

**Top accounts mentioned or mentioned by**
[@aladepepe](/creator/undefined) [@thinkinvest_](/creator/undefined) [@datmorganx](/creator/undefined) [@p_stoff2f](/creator/undefined) [@glasgowgiant](/creator/undefined) [@cutesmiles_](/creator/undefined) [@junkenstein72](/creator/undefined) [@madcyril2001](/creator/undefined) [@wafflesinfo](/creator/undefined) [@the_komidian](/creator/undefined) [@pucatub](/creator/undefined) [@harvey741](/creator/undefined) [@_scottishblonde](/creator/undefined) [@stoopid_loopid7](/creator/undefined) [@tedioussarcasm](/creator/undefined) [@dr_rynn](/creator/undefined) [@coralynn01](/creator/undefined) [@jessdemps86](/creator/undefined) [@darknessbeckonz](/creator/undefined) [@darkdefinebula](/creator/undefined)

**Top assets mentioned**
[Alphabet Inc Class A (GOOGL)](/topic/$googl)
### Top Social Posts
Top posts by engagements in the last [--] hours

"I have a thing for a type of shoe I've noticed their popularity follows a [--] year cycle and always preceded by one brand becoming popular. In the last year they have been popular again this is bittersweet as my age means this will be the last time I'll see people wearing them"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2018631816295432384)  2026-02-03T10:25Z 1.1M followers, 326.3K engagements


"Mum died in September. She never left England hated travelling anywhere hated extremes of heat/cold hated 'foreign' food. I travel a lot and take some ashes everywhere and leave them in places she would've fucking hated. It's a big world out there & she's finally seeing it"  
[X Link](https://x.com/anyuser/status/1625531573188558849)  2023-02-14T16:25Z 1.1M followers, 2.7M engagements


"My wife caught me lying to her. Can't remember what. Something fairly trivial. She was horrified & declared I never used to lie & this was an awful moment in our marriage. Reader. I've always lied about minor stuff like why I'm late etc I'd clearly just never been caught"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2019522677019484254)  2026-02-05T21:25Z 1.1M followers, 145.2K engagements


"Afflicted with misophonia since a teen. Loud eating drives me up the wall. My son chomps and chews with reckless abandon slapping his chops gleefully. Mrs says I can't say anything because it will shame him but I think he needs to learn to eat in a more civilised way. Raging"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2020156856098775297)  2026-02-07T15:25Z 1.1M followers, 142.4K engagements


"Back at uni my flatmate just pissed me off. No idea why but he just rubbed me up the wrong way whenever we spoke. So one night I got totally wasted and shat in his teapot. Woke up with so much guilt that I spent the whole morning scrubbing it shiny clean before the prank landed"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2020277653962469843)  2026-02-07T23:25Z 1.1M followers, 163.3K engagements


"First morning walk on our weeks holiday here in Lanzarote by the pool and clocked a rogue nipple escaping from it's enclosure. Total win. Fifth live nipple seen this holiday and only day one. That's obviously counting my own and the missus's"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2021878200427589914)  2026-02-12T09:25Z 1.1M followers, 162.3K engagements


"Upgraded the WiFi gear in the house to some top stuff. Unexpected consequence is that I can now see all the porn sites visiting family members visit when they're on our WiFi and how much data they view. Not cool"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2022044293020463446)  2026-02-12T20:25Z 1.1M followers, 335.9K engagements


"Come to Fesshole Live in [----] Tickets on sale for Glasgow Leicester Luton Leeds & Cambridge. Sweden Tour visits Malm Gteborg and Stockholm and Anon Opin hits Leicester and Glasgow. Best of Fesshole audience confessions secret history & more: https://sites.google.com/view/fesshole https://sites.google.com/view/fesshole"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2022165122664304694)  2026-02-13T04:25Z 1.1M followers, 44.4K engagements


"I'm fascinated to watch & time people eating in restaurants [--] seconds is the record for an entire Sunday roast at a Toby Carvery the guy was like a pelican just shoving it in and swallowing. There was no chewing"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2022331184823296349)  2026-02-13T15:25Z 1.1M followers, 118.4K engagements


"Son turns [--] next week.Went into the toilet after him and saw a huge jobby staring up at me. Got emotional when I realised that I hadn't seen one of his jobbies since he was a toddler.Then I had a rush of pride as I realised how big it was.Went through and gave him a big hug"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2019507580599423394)  2026-02-05T20:25Z 1.1M followers, 327.4K engagements


"My mum told me never to let my skin touch the seat of a public toilet. Hover and let go. I've lived by this rule and passed it on to my daughters"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2020081366969294876)  2026-02-07T10:25Z 1.1M followers, 119.7K engagements


"COME OUT IN LEICESTER GLAMOROUS LEICESTER Anon Opin show TONIGHT and Friday Saturday it's Fesshole LIVE A good time is promised to all well it's something to do isn't it Better than doom scrolling. https://events.comedy-festival.co.uk/events/fesshole-valentine-special/ https://events.comedy-festival.co.uk/events/opinion-war-with-rob-manuel-from-anon_opin/ https://events.comedy-festival.co.uk/events/fesshole-valentine-special/ https://events.comedy-festival.co.uk/events/opinion-war-with-rob-manuel-from-anon_opin/"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2021959167825916089)  2026-02-12T14:46Z 1.1M followers, 38K engagements


"I spread Coleman's Mustard on toast instead of jam. I love how it tastes"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2022421783740047666)  2026-02-13T21:25Z 1.1M followers, 60.5K engagements


"Work colleague is obsessed with Prince Harry and his rapidly balding head. Getting regular updates on the level of bald with every new image published. Can't tell her H's head looks like my ex's ballsack as I'm trying to forget about him"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2018646912514019835)  2026-02-03T11:25Z 1.1M followers, 100.4K engagements


"Staying with boyfriend at his brother's house I started my period during the night and drenched the mattress. We flipped the mattress and never confessed"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2019552877686014118)  2026-02-05T23:25Z 1.1M followers, 124.6K engagements


"Female teacher here. When in real life I accidentally let slip something inappropriate for the company I'm in like the fact that I know what Fake Taxi is I blame it on spending too much time with teenagers. It's actually because I spend too much time on the internet duh"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2019703879273771110)  2026-02-06T09:25Z 1.1M followers, 211.6K engagements


"Whenever I think to myself I've always referred to myself as "we". There's myself and the voice I think with making a pair. I'm hungry we need to get something to eat. It's getting late we should go to bed. Etcetera. Not sure if that makes me fucking mental or not"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2021183632048529474)  2026-02-10T11:25Z 1.1M followers, 111.2K engagements


"Our estranged father died. Neighbour witnessed his will and told me it was in his bedside drawer. The utter spangle was leaving everything to the dogs home after never paying maintenance. Chucked it in my incinerator. His estate is going to probate. Zero regrets"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2021319518899908873)  2026-02-10T20:25Z 1.1M followers, 874.5K engagements


"I work for a well known multinational corporation that makes a number of household cleaning products. I can confirm that those powdered shake on the carpet and vacuum up deodourisers and cat litter tray deodouriser powder are exactly the same product"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2021576210984095820)  2026-02-11T13:25Z 1.1M followers, 87.1K engagements


"Was bollocked in work for sending the Manufacturing Director a file named "prat.wks". Boss would not accept that it was an innocent acronym for "Production Receipts Audit Trail". It wasn't"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2022255688953557162)  2026-02-13T10:25Z 1.1M followers, 132K engagements


"My wife keeps asking me to let my son play with the Lego I keep from my childhood. I tell her he's too young and could choke and that keeps her at bay for now but I'm worrying for when he does grow up I'll have to actually start sharing my toys"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2022300986010747186)  2026-02-13T13:25Z 1.1M followers, 105.6K engagements


"A calculation website told me that today I have lived exactly the same amount of years and days that my mother lived. Assuming I wake up tomorrow morning I will begin a day she never experienced. That makes me feel far weirder than actually getting old"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2022376482673144074)  2026-02-13T18:25Z 1.1M followers, 155.7K engagements


"It was a ridiculously fun Anon Opin show last night in Leicester which roughly achieved your admin's aim of making it a mutant game show and tonight it's the Fesshole show at the Sue Townsend Theatre - do come down if you're in Leicester https://events.comedy-festival.co.uk/events/fesshole-valentine-special/ https://events.comedy-festival.co.uk/events/fesshole-valentine-special/"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2022625540646244717)  2026-02-14T10:54Z 1.1M followers, 37.2K engagements


"Boyfriend has gotten into the habit of pulling down his trunks and pulling apart his bum cheeks to let out a fart when we're alone. Was quite amusing until he pushed a bit too hard and poo came out. Can't get the image out of my head. Think the relationship is done"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2001373088655495266)  2025-12-17T19:25Z 1.1M followers, 306.1K engagements


"I'm dead against the proposed new housing development near us but the group formed in opposition to it is so full of flag-shaggers illiterates reactionaries and general numpties that I'm actually coming around to the idea that some new neighbours might be a good thing"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2017891935495520466)  2026-02-01T09:25Z 1.1M followers, 201.7K engagements


"Remote exams are ridiculously easy to cheat at. Managed a full professional qualification with answers on a piece of paper on my knee. Sorry accountants"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2018254329191322108)  2026-02-02T09:25Z 1.1M followers, 140.5K engagements


"Come to Fesshole Live in [----] Tickets on sale for Glasgow Leicester Luton Leeds & Cambridge. Sweden Tour visits Malm Gteborg and Stockholm and Anon Opin hits Leicester and Glasgow. Best of Fesshole audience confessions secret history & more: https://sites.google.com/view/fesshole https://sites.google.com/view/fesshole"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2018541238081700039)  2026-02-03T04:25Z 1.1M followers, 58.1K engagements


"On behalf on my [--] year old daughter whose teacher says she dawdles and daydreams. Apparently she is doing this so she is kept in at break time and doesn't have to go out in the cold. I fear she may be an evil genius"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2018662012620886021)  2026-02-03T12:25Z 1.1M followers, 181.6K engagements


"I sniff my cat's bum because I read somewhere it increases bonding. Not sure if it worked pretty sure it's not necessary"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2018994202646814963)  2026-02-04T10:25Z 1.1M followers, 76.4K engagements


"Software engineer here. It was pretty obvious the volume of spam calls was going to go through the roof with AI being ubiquitous. So I always try some prompt injection when they call me. Proudest achievement was a [--] minute recital of the digits of pi"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2019084799114100824)  2026-02-04T16:25Z 1.1M followers, 249.4K engagements


"Just finishing my third week as a senior leader in a really great tech job. Feeling on top of the world. Today I realised I have mistakenly been using the ladies loo"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2019190496661258710)  2026-02-04T23:25Z 1.1M followers, 97.7K engagements


"Girlfriend emailed me a marriage proposal. Thought she was joking so said sure why not. Been happily married more than a decade now my misunderstanding worked out great"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2019718974414487765)  2026-02-06T10:25Z 1.1M followers, 156.1K engagements


"Got a recurring abscess on the roof of my mouth. Can't bring myself to go to the dentist because I love the feeling of popping it every couple of days"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2019734082201026924)  2026-02-06T11:25Z 1.1M followers, 93.8K engagements


"When I had to write up my dissertation as a university student I went to Argos and purchased a decent word processor. Spent [--] weeks typing it up and once I'd finished I took it back and got a 100% refund under their '16 day returns policy'. Thank you Argos"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2019764269357662413)  2026-02-06T13:25Z 1.1M followers, 144K engagements


"As a teenager made the local paper as a "hero" for tripping up some smackhead after he robbed an old lady's handbag. In reality I didn't even know he'd robbed anyone I was just a twat who thought it would be funny to stick my leg out when I saw him running"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2019839769480499560)  2026-02-06T18:25Z 1.1M followers, 175.3K engagements


"I score weddings and funerals on a scale of [--] to [--] stars. Funerals always score more highly. They're cheap you get time off work there's free food and you don't have to buy a present. You get to meet all the same people as at weddings and there's no shitty disco"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2020171956641739235)  2026-02-07T16:25Z 1.1M followers, 533.8K engagements


"I've recently changed my Siri voice to Irish Female. My wife has basically accused me of having an affair"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2020489048490483838)  2026-02-08T13:25Z 1.1M followers, 104.8K engagements


"I'm really bad at my job beyond the usual imposter syndrome. I used to worry about this but if you manage to blag your way through probation truth is most people including managers are nearly always either too bad at their own jobs or too busy to notice anybody else"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2020866534059426075)  2026-02-09T14:25Z 1.1M followers, 167.4K engagements


"Hubby has worried for years about my knife skills & how I might cut off a finger. I laugh it off but he bought me a new (very sharp) knife set for Xmas. I've lost a nail & my hands look like I've been high fiving Edward Scissorhands daily. Can't tell him. He'll be insufferable"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2020942029702754583)  2026-02-09T19:25Z 1.1M followers, 143.4K engagements


"Gave a speech at a colleague's leaving do. Said probably the best thing about him was his scatalogical personality. Cue some murmurs and side-eyes. Think I meant scatty"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2021153422926393637)  2026-02-10T09:25Z 1.1M followers, 95.4K engagements


"I've no idea why one end of the gusset on knickers isn't sewn shut but it's dead useful. When I worked a market stall I'd pop into the loos at the end of the day and put a roll of [--] notes in there for safe keeping on my way home"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2021244019896930762)  2026-02-10T15:25Z 1.1M followers, 231.5K engagements


"Our cat's dying and will have to be put down. But the vet's assured me that we can have the body back. I want to remove her sweet little nose cast it in transparent acrylic and display it on our coffee table"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2021515811672690697)  2026-02-11T09:25Z 1.1M followers, 98.7K engagements


"Most exciting day of my life was when I overslept for college so I had to ninja sneak around the house to avoid my mum until 3pm when I jumped out my bedroom window and came in the front door as if I was coming home. I'm [--] soon and I think about that day at least once a week"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2021546013052329989)  2026-02-11T11:25Z 1.1M followers, 151.3K engagements


"The man from Laser Quest didn't use the word shoot when he explained the rules. I knew I'd have terrible aim so didn't even try and just used the rifle like a cudgel. He said that I was the most violent girl he'd ever seen. Three boys got bloody noses and I broke one's wrist"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2021621507613430171)  2026-02-11T16:25Z 1.1M followers, 161.1K engagements


"In 6th form there was a payphone outside the common room. When the Head was running Assembly I'd ring it to interrupt him. He'd run to it & try & answer before I'd hang up. One time he got so angry he punched a hole in the wall. We never saw him after that. Sorry Mr Ben"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2021697017697775978)  2026-02-11T21:25Z 1.1M followers, 122K engagements


"I once changed the mobile phone number on some flyer artwork promoting paving and guttering work because the customer was rude and I knew him to be illiterate. Printed [----]. He got no calls that month"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2022029197229564161)  2026-02-12T19:25Z 1.1M followers, 92.3K engagements


"Years ago when leaving student accommodation in June I froze the head from a shop dummy in ice and left it in the freezer. Apologies to the new students and neighbours who had an extensive police presence for a day or so in September"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2022240589618524602)  2026-02-13T09:25Z 1.1M followers, 109.5K engagements


"After I'd finished wrapping my Christmas presents I had the house to myself and fancied a bit of "alone time". Hadn't thought about the possibility of getting a bit of jizz on the presents. Apologies to my sister's boyfriend but it wasn't much so didn't feel the need to re-wrap"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2022270794949169537)  2026-02-13T11:25Z 1.1M followers, 104.1K engagements


"Three things made me incredibly happy today. [--]. I changed lane in the motorway without touching the cat's eyes. [--]. I did a shit that required zero wiping. [--]. I was whistling a tune in the supermarket and someone recognised it and joined in"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2022436881875538338)  2026-02-13T22:25Z 1.1M followers, 128.9K engagements


"I met a Tinder date on a foreign holiday and lied to her that I was solo travelling so I would seem cool and sophisticated. This worked until she bumped into one of my parents while leaving my hotel room in the morning. I am 33"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2022618076458451264)  2026-02-14T10:25Z 1.1M followers, 256.1K engagements


"Married for [--] years we've spiced up our sex life by writing erotic fiction to each other. Discovered we're both far more depraved than either previously realised. Highly recommended"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2006748512105447530)  2026-01-01T15:25Z 1.1M followers, 524.2K engagements


"Agreed to a threesome with my wife. Mid spit-roast I decided I wasn't into it as she was enjoying the blow job a bit too much so thrust harder to make it harder for her. Of course I soon finished so had to sit in the corner watching her nosh off for another ten minutes. Grim"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2015913899254595906)  2026-01-26T22:25Z 1.1M followers, 446K engagements


"I had a phase in the late 80s when I did a load of drugs and booze. Rented a room in North London and moved all my stuff in went on a bender lost my paperwork and could not find the place afterwards. My car was outside too never found that either"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2016457486463606827)  2026-01-28T10:25Z 1.1M followers, 806.3K engagements


"My partner is proud of being detail oriented. In an emergency situation I repainted the alcove in our room in a different shade to the rest of the room. Its [--] months and she still hasn't found out"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2017242667734700194)  2026-01-30T14:25Z 1.1M followers, 118.3K engagements


"Years ago I developed shooting pains down my left arm and went to A&E on the insistance of my Dad who had heart problems. I was given the all clear by a heart specialist who said it was a muscular issue. Only then I realised it was due to excessive masturbation"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2017333253145845802)  2026-01-30T20:25Z 1.1M followers, 135.9K engagements


"My dad's fess. In the 80s he and my uncle left a bar in Edinburgh after a Christmas night out. He noticed a double decker bus parked up outside a social club and the driver had gone to collect his party. He took the bus home and left it on a residential street near the house"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2017695648896688604)  2026-01-31T20:25Z 1.1M followers, 221K engagements


"Come to Fesshole Live in [----] Tickets on sale for Glasgow Leicester Luton Leeds & Cambridge. Sweden Tour visits Malm Gteborg and Stockholm and Anon Opin hits Leicester and Glasgow. Best of Fesshole audience confessions secret history & more: https://sites.google.com/view/fesshole https://sites.google.com/view/fesshole"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2017816459829801076)  2026-02-01T04:25Z 1.1M followers, 59.1K engagements


"Got divorced [--] years ago. It was the right decision. Celebrating with a lower back tattoo now feels like a bad choice though. Very expensive to remove"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2018329824364757491)  2026-02-02T14:25Z 1.1M followers, 109.5K engagements


"I was about [--] or [--]. My mum was acting weird she looked in the mirror in the hall and spoke out loud saying that she looked pale. Then she went for a nap. I decided to be a good girl and make her look pretty. I painted pink nail varnish circles on her cheeks as she slept"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2018465719311073753)  2026-02-02T23:25Z 1.1M followers, 1.1M engagements


"I am a runner. When I go uphill I move my right arm in a forward circular motion. I'm pretending to be a train. I'm also I'm my mind going choo-chooooooo"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2018677111381184619)  2026-02-03T13:25Z 1.1M followers, 77.7K engagements


"I was in my 40s before I realised that 'absent friends' at weddings were actually dead rather than unable to make it"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2018797902840160738)  2026-02-03T21:25Z 1.1M followers, 195K engagements


"I have a tendency to fart at the point of orgasm. Embarrassed at first but my boyfriend now takes it as confirmation that he's done a good job and is very disappointed when I don't corroborate my climax with a trumpet blast"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2018979096248594764)  2026-02-04T09:25Z 1.1M followers, 167.3K engagements


"Come to Fesshole Live in [----] Tickets on sale for Glasgow Leicester Luton Leeds & Cambridge. Sweden Tour visits Malm Gteborg and Stockholm and Anon Opin hits Leicester and Glasgow. Best of Fesshole audience confessions secret history & more: https://sites.google.com/view/fesshole https://sites.google.com/view/fesshole"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2019628400206319824)  2026-02-06T04:25Z 1.1M followers, 53.8K engagements


"I unwrap every present my kids get before Xmas/birthdays. After plastic tat duplicates & disappointment with my first I now sanitise swap when needed & donate the rest. Fewer tears happier kids charity shops win"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2019749170538533177)  2026-02-06T12:25Z 1.1M followers, 137.8K engagements


"I work from home. My husband sometimes also works from home & my peace & freedom is shattered (he won't let me put radio or tv on etc) so when he's home I've now invented calls I need to go to & spend the day doing me things. I've been to a spa shopping lunch cinema beach etc"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2019779378100531256)  2026-02-06T14:25Z 1.1M followers, 166.8K engagements


"I feel as though me the Beckhams and the my fam move in different circles if they think Brooklyn's mum dancing weird ruined the wedding. I've been to a wedding where the bride's mother got her tits out and punched the cake"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2019885066998988950)  2026-02-06T21:25Z 1.1M followers, 185K engagements


"Moved to London from Scotland after Uni. Recently came across the death notice of an old friend online. Couldn't attend the funeral so I got all of the London-based school friends together for a drink in his honour. Turned out it wasn't him just someone with the same name"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2020202157690036706)  2026-02-07T18:25Z 1.1M followers, 205.3K engagements


"Come to Fesshole Live in [----] Tickets on sale for Glasgow Leicester Luton Leeds & Cambridge. Sweden Tour visits Malm Gteborg and Stockholm and Anon Opin hits Leicester and Glasgow. Best of Fesshole audience confessions secret history & more: https://sites.google.com/view/fesshole https://sites.google.com/view/fesshole"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2021077955166834998)  2026-02-10T04:25Z 1.1M followers, 50.5K engagements


"I started recording all my sexual activity in an app - could see the amount the trends the activities. It's wormed into my brain so much that as I'm cumming I'm immediately thinking about what star rating to give it. I've ruined sex and wanking"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1736845043263062410)  2023-12-18T20:25Z 1.1M followers, 370.6K engagements


"Designer here. Company let me go after being bought out by a big American corporate. They still ask me to work on the occasional project which I'm grateful for but I hide a cock n balls in every job. Always makes me smile when I see them in the wild"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1840472875339317526)  2024-09-29T19:25Z 1.1M followers, 228.9K engagements


"Every [--] months I visit my chiropractor who pummels me for [--] minutes after which he asks me if I feel better. I never do but lie and say yes then pay him [--]. Sometimes I actually feel in worse physical shape afterwards"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1904238040995819696)  2025-03-24T18:25Z 1.1M followers, 309.3K engagements


"My ex passed away last year I found out a month later. Ever since I have been going to his then girlfriends social media accounts everyday because she's my last connection to him it's now become an obsession. We've never met and I had to make a spam account to do it"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/1934512527137784123)  2025-06-16T07:25Z 1.1M followers, 249.4K engagements


"Just been diagnosed with diabetes. That's not the fess the fess is that my first time as a pro domme he asked me to piss in his mouth I did and he promptly stopped the session to tell to get myself tested"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2012999698353738096)  2026-01-18T21:25Z 1.1M followers, 355.9K engagements


"When I worked in retail one of the energy drinks we sold ran a competition for VIP Rugby World Cup tickets you just had to peel the label to reveal if you were a winner. On every delivery we had I peeled back every label and restuck it never did win the tickets"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2013543285428453689)  2026-01-20T09:25Z 1.1M followers, 129.5K engagements


"Every couple of months I dig my fingernail hard into the area of gum behind my front teeth bottom set. It produces an exquisite sensation and a delicious post-injury throb. I poke it several days more for good feels. Then I fret about possible infection and let it heal"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2013603678020636978)  2026-01-20T13:25Z 1.1M followers, 182.1K engagements


"A few years back I was singing Kunt & the Gang's "Use my arsehole as a c**t" to myself while lubing up the Xmas turkey with butter. Normal. What better time for the mother-in-law to walk in We have NEVER mentioned it obv but every festive season I remember and die inside"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2014419049262837917)  2026-01-22T19:25Z 1.1M followers, 199.7K engagements


"I've never eaten a cream egg. While in B&M today I told my partner why I'd never fancied trying one and she explained to me with a look of utter bemusement that they don't actually taste like an egg dipped in chocolate. I'm 55"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2014751238806475199)  2026-01-23T17:25Z 1.1M followers, 205K engagements


"When I was a kid on a school trip to the Wedgwood factory I desperately needed the loo. Teacher said there were none. I snuck off and pissed into a vat. Later learned it was clay for fine china"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2014992832721829907)  2026-01-24T09:25Z 1.1M followers, 120.8K engagements


"We moved to a new office [--] years ago. In the first week we moved in I found a locked door at the bottom of a corridor no-one goes down. Found the key & inside was a bathroom with a shower. Haven't told anyone else & use it as my secret throne. I just have to bring my own loo roll"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2015355225666736274)  2026-01-25T09:25Z 1.1M followers, 301.2K engagements


"The council says we have to make sure plastics are rinsed out before putting them in the recycling so I give my empty yoghurt pots to the dog to lick before popping them in the brown bin. He does a great job and they look spotless"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2015370324125089905)  2026-01-25T10:25Z 1.1M followers, 107K engagements


"Was talking to someone online that I met via a dating app. They seemed great and we were talking about meeting up. Then they let slip that they regularly went to Manchester United games despite not being from Manchester and having no other link to the city. I ghosted them"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2015385415746822317)  2026-01-25T11:25Z 1.1M followers, 166.5K engagements


"My husband is a lot older than me. Part of me is secretly quite glad that he'll most likely die within a decade or so of our children leaving home and I can have the house to myself again"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2015415615272411159)  2026-01-25T13:25Z 1.1M followers, 159K engagements


"I used to send a spreadsheet to the Exec Team with "Fuck Off" in the very bottom right hand cell white text on a white cell. Nearly got caught out when my boss couldn't email it to external auditors failing the email profanity filter. IT never worked out why it wouldn't send"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2015430715052089678)  2026-01-25T14:25Z 1.1M followers, 931.8K engagements


"Bald teacher here. Had a student about [--] years ago always pull the piss about my lack of hair. Bumped into him recently and now his hairline is receding. To be fair he's doing okay for himself and did apologise for being a piss taker but holy fuck is it satisfying"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2015445814747742613)  2026-01-25T15:25Z 1.1M followers, 284.9K engagements


"Hubby was worried that the kids would lock themselves in the toilet so ours has no bolt. Instead we sing to let others know it's occupied. My husband sings Moon River which is lovely. I sing Golden Brown by The Stranglers. Probably not what they had in mind"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2015551514115215860)  2026-01-25T22:25Z 1.1M followers, 144.5K engagements


"Spent summers in the 80s as a kid "working" at parents shop. Tasks included using nail varnish to wipe expired use by dates off base of drink cans ensuring rat droppings not visible from under fridges refilling "fresh" bread with days old stored in black bags to keep soft"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2015566611155919151)  2026-01-25T23:25Z 1.1M followers, 179.3K engagements


"Every time I change trains at Epsom I'm tucking mesmerised by the block of flats opposite platform [--]. Some of you guys should really close your curtains"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2015778004778004665)  2026-01-26T13:25Z 1.1M followers, 249.7K engagements


"My wife & I have been in a [--] yr game of that's what she said. At parents' evening the teacher was telling us how this next term will require lots of studying so will be long & hard. We both looked at each other & couldn't keep a straight face. Teacher clearly thinks we are cunts"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2015793105098698916)  2026-01-26T14:25Z 1.1M followers, 477.5K engagements


"I run the tap when I flush the toilet to dilute my wee and poo so that the drain won't think I'm too gross"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2015823301575061987)  2026-01-26T16:25Z 1.1M followers, 108.7K engagements


"My husband gives me the major ick and I can't stand him. But I don't want [--] failed marriages so I spend a lot of time fantasising about him dying. I'd get all the money the house and people would feel sorry for me. There would be casseroles. It would be glorious"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2015838404206866845)  2026-01-26T17:25Z 1.1M followers, 424.5K engagements


"My boyfriend has started collecting his excess earwax. He says he's going to make enough for a candle on his birthday cake and light it. I'm leaving him before his birthday. About to sign on a 1-bed flat"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2015898800074735930)  2026-01-26T21:25Z 1.1M followers, 175.3K engagements


"Come to Fesshole Live in [----] Tickets are now on sale for Glasgow Leicester Luton and Leeds. The Sweden Tour visits Malm Gteborg and Stockholm and Anon Opin hits Leicester and Glasgow . Best of Fesshole audience confessions secret history & more: https://sites.google.com/view/fesshole https://sites.google.com/view/fesshole"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2016004524553413058)  2026-01-27T04:25Z 1.1M followers, 61.4K engagements


"Engineer here. I've stayed in [--] Travelodges over the past couple of years for work. In every room I've stayed in I've unscrewed the bland corporate art over the bed and rehung it upside down"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2016095099021603312)  2026-01-27T10:25Z 1.1M followers, 241.9K engagements


"Analytics shows me when clients have accessed my server. I also see details of their geographic locations. Many are clearly using VPNs. Which means they've probably been accessing porn. Not my confession but theirs. The dirty buggers"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2016110197857497346)  2026-01-27T11:25Z 1.1M followers, 185.1K engagements


"I was a trainer at a football camp. A boy whose surname was Tidy went missing. I went to his room to find him & he wasn't there. His room was a pig sty. Said to myself "well I guess he's more Messi than Tidy". It was the greatest pun i'd ever come up with & no-one else heard it"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2016140393318883678)  2026-01-27T13:25Z 1.1M followers, 235.9K engagements


"I'm writing this in the tub as I start the second hour of my bath. I keep running more hot water as it gets cold. I'm going to have to get out soon though my battery is on 7%"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2016170590093127916)  2026-01-27T15:25Z 1.1M followers, 95.8K engagements


"My boarding school dance was looming (1980s). Much locker room talk of French Kissing technique. I was born tongue tied and so ridiculed for not being able to function properly. I unwisely resolved this with a pair of nail scissors and self administered surgery"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2016200791854334383)  2026-01-27T17:25Z 1.1M followers, 200.2K engagements


"My grandad used to love his allotment until one summer when I was very young when I planted a whole row of lightbulbs thinking they would grow into lamps. He was finding shards of glass for years and once seriously cut himself. Always felt guilty I ruined his favourite hobby"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2016215890644082998)  2026-01-27T18:25Z 1.1M followers, 193.3K engagements


"I still get nervous when meeting important clients for my job so I've started imagining myself shuffling sideways into the room like a crab while snapping my hands like crab claws and shouting "crabby crab crab". Seems to help but I'm a bit worried I'll actually do it one day"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2016230991048634877)  2026-01-27T19:25Z 1.1M followers, 109.5K engagements


"I carry a coil of stiff wire former clotheshanger and a small pack of disinfectant wipes wherever I go. Why I do big poos. The wire is for slicing it up the wipes for cleaning the wire after. Only my daughter knows I do this because I've had to chop one of hers once too"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2016261187864875416)  2026-01-27T21:25Z 1.1M followers, 255.3K engagements


"A nervous student housemate; we convinced him that our digs were haunted. Rigged a system to rattle the coat-hangers in his wardrobe at 3am. He screamed and ran out of the house was a nervous wreck for days. We never told him the truth. That was [--] years ago sorry Mark"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2016276286906196270)  2026-01-27T22:25Z 1.1M followers, 119.2K engagements


"Come to Fesshole Live in [----] Tickets are now on sale for Glasgow Leicester Luton and Leeds. The Sweden Tour visits Malm Gteborg and Stockholm and Anon Opin hits Leicester and Glasgow . Best of Fesshole audience confessions secret history & more: https://sites.google.com/view/fesshole https://sites.google.com/view/fesshole"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2016366910376448356)  2026-01-28T04:25Z 1.1M followers, 55.8K engagements


"My grown children always tease me that porridge made with water is my favourite food because it's all they saw me eat. I hate porridge. I only ate it because it was 50p for a bag and I didn't want to let them know we were poor as shit. The 'proper food' was for them"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2016472581574885806)  2026-01-28T11:25Z 1.1M followers, 722.2K engagements


"When I eat a Peperami I chew it swallow then semi regurgitate the bolus from my throat to really extract all the salty goodness out of it. I feel a bit like a pelican"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2016487688367456374)  2026-01-28T12:25Z 1.1M followers, 88.2K engagements


"I had to give some bloods and the young nurse who was doing it was rather buxom. As I had my arm out and my palm on my knee facing up when she leant forward there was a serious risk of me cupping her boob. When she did lean back for a moment I had to close my hand to avoid it"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2016502778349092901)  2026-01-28T13:25Z 1.1M followers, 177.9K engagements


"Lockdown: planned to leave my husband - came to hate being cooped up together. When cafes reopened went for a drink but loos were shut. Bladder couldn't cope with the drive home - I wet myself. He ran me a bath put washing on and scrubbed the car seat. Realised he's a keeper"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2016563178646180136)  2026-01-28T17:25Z 1.1M followers, 939K engagements


"Every time I go to my local co-op I've started taking a chocolate bar wrapper and leaving it with the particular product on the shelves. Envisage that staff will keep finding them and think they have someone eating them in shop. I'm a [--] year old Professor. What's wrong with me"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2016578277490491891)  2026-01-28T18:25Z 1.1M followers, 116.4K engagements


"I was [--] years old when I discovered I had a separate pee hole and did not wee from my vagina. I have a PhD and have no idea how I went through life not knowing this"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2016593376141848830)  2026-01-28T19:25Z 1.1M followers, 195.6K engagements


"Expensive aftershave when you're [--] years old is very important to you. When your [--] year old brother starts helping himself there is only one thing for it When the bottle emptied I filled it with my urine on the advice of my grandad and let my brother spray himself for weeks"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2016608478333174169)  2026-01-28T20:25Z 1.1M followers, 198.6K engagements


"I haven't pad for a single Cadbury's Cream Egg in over [--] years. I call them Crime Eggs and it makes them even more delicious"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2016623576627937660)  2026-01-28T21:25Z 1.1M followers, 227K engagements


"Come to Fesshole Live in [----] Tickets are now on sale for Glasgow Leicester Luton and Leeds. The Sweden Tour visits Malm Gteborg and Stockholm and Anon Opin hits Leicester and Glasgow . Best of Fesshole audience confessions secret history & more: https://sites.google.com/view/fesshole https://sites.google.com/view/fesshole"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2016729301601919309)  2026-01-29T04:25Z 1.1M followers, 57.2K engagements


"As a child I faked my parents' signatures on my homework diary. The teacher didn't spot it or didn't care even when I signed it using F1 drivers' names. I'd have thought I was pushing my luck signing as Gilles Villeneuve and Nelson Piquet but no"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2016804769445097542)  2026-01-29T09:25Z 1.1M followers, 137.3K engagements


"I only just found out after years of idle wondering that no there's no such thing as an Abyssinian Wire Hound like Gnasher in the Beano. I'm in my mid-30s"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2016819871028318654)  2026-01-29T10:25Z 1.1M followers, 93.6K engagements


"Worked in Dixons as a kid. Store used to give out free CDs as a promotion if you spent whatever it was. Used to steal a blank tape copy the CD and walk out with it in my personal stereo at the end of my shift. Sorry DSG but am sure you could afford to loose a few TDK SA90s"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2016834971046981729)  2026-01-29T11:25Z 1.1M followers, 121.8K engagements


"I work away with work and often stay in hotels. I make sure to book hotels with breakfast added to the bill. I then edit the invoice to remove breakfast and create a new invoice for breakfast. Double pay for food allowance"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2016850068964343920)  2026-01-29T12:25Z 1.1M followers, 303.3K engagements


"I'm completely out of my depth. I'm one of [--] people responsible for investment fund of 2bn. I got here by blagging incompetence of my superiors and good timing. I rely on advisors and repeating keywords I've heard from others. I need an exit strategy before I get found out"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2016895366474408127)  2026-01-29T15:25Z 1.1M followers, 565.8K engagements


"Routing through cupboards on the day before a shopping delivery I found some chocolate spread and bread sticks. It was only after the first bite I realised I'd created my own KP Choc Dip. I now fear for my future health"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2016910472478351417)  2026-01-29T16:25Z 1.1M followers, 87.3K engagements


"I sometimes look in the mirror and pull my lips right back to imagine what my skull would look like should an archaeologist find it in the future. Weird to think of them looking at my teeth and neither they nor anyone else alive having any idea of who I was. Memento mori"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2016925568088871270)  2026-01-29T17:25Z 1.1M followers, 103.3K engagements


"You know all that grey dried skin you get in between your toes If you rub it while in water it comes off. I thoroughly cleaned two years worth off of both feet in Centre Parcs pool while waiting for my [--] year old to come down the slide"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2016940666031391199)  2026-01-29T18:25Z 1.1M followers, 240K engagements


"The early bird cathes the worm As a pickpocket let me tell you that's bollocks. The juiciest worms crawl out of bed at noon and venture out looking for food and stinking of weed. Yes I do my best work on campus"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2016955764523286836)  2026-01-29T19:25Z 1.1M followers, 172.4K engagements


"One of the things that I like about working at Uni accommodation is that our office is at a flat so sometimes I come in early to take a shower. They are now thinking of renting it to students for 26/27 year onwards. May have to consider changing jobs"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2016970865271779708)  2026-01-29T20:25Z 1.1M followers, 130.7K engagements


"Local Tesco superstore has become increasingly shit after a pointless reorganisation/refurb. As revenge I now leave every fridge/freezer door open and replace any products I pick up in the wrong place"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2016985964485226969)  2026-01-29T21:25Z 1.1M followers, 124.1K engagements


"I'm halfway through a postgraduate degree. Parents are proud family is chuffed friends are impressed but the reason I decided to do it is because I've lost loads of weight since my undergrad and want good pictures in a cap and gown"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2017001062561927174)  2026-01-29T22:25Z 1.1M followers, 102.3K engagements


"At [--] thought John Major tucking vest into pants joke was funny. At [--] arse sweating through to my trousers that extra tucked layer is a fucking game changer"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2017167170367529315)  2026-01-30T09:25Z 1.1M followers, 145.5K engagements


"I used to be a PA for a billionaire. I once authorised an 8k payment for new cushions for him. This really sticks in my mind as aside from my house I've never paid that amount for anything. Not even a car"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2017197357461389376)  2026-01-30T11:25Z 1.1M followers, 235.8K engagements


"Make your confession count. Submit it via the Fesshole form: http://b3ta.com/addfess http://b3ta.com/addfess"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2017206164908356054)  2026-01-30T12:00Z 1.1M followers, 45.4K engagements


"Nose hair getting out of control so I've started pulling them out. I mostly do it when on the toilet. Problem is I sniff inwards to brace myself for the pain and I'm certain people at work think I'm doing coke"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2017212456368476287)  2026-01-30T12:25Z 1.1M followers, 109.6K engagements


"To cut down on my snacking I leave the fridge door open when I take the cheese out. I then allow myself to eat as much cheese a I can fit in before the fridge door alarm starts beeping. It doesn't work but I've gotten really good at cheese roulette"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2017227554516525124)  2026-01-30T13:25Z 1.1M followers, 86.2K engagements


"I've been vegetarian for decades but every time my husband has roasted himself some chicken I secretly go on the kitchen get a slice of bread and mop up the scrumptious savoury juices in the tray and devour it"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2017257763928219811)  2026-01-30T15:25Z 1.1M followers, 99.3K engagements


"Me returning from the pub aged 18: "I'm stealing these traffic cones for the sheer fun of it." Me returning from the pub tonight aged 45: "I'm stealing these traffic cones to put them on the double yellows by my kids' school to stop people parking dangerously.""  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2017272864894837039)  2026-01-30T16:25Z 1.1M followers, 147.6K engagements


"I do vegan December to get out of having to eat turkey which is a disgusting meat. I make up for it in January by having pork pies for breakfast AND lunch"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2017287956055101694)  2026-01-30T17:25Z 1.1M followers, 81.1K engagements


"Husband has skanky old t-shirts he won't throw away. Leaves on the floor instead of in laundry basket. Guess what I'm using for puppy's new tug toys Plausible deniability"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2017303051493634283)  2026-01-30T18:25Z 1.1M followers, 111.7K engagements


"DPD tells you the name of the driver that'll deliver your parcel. I quite like to thank them by name when they hand it over to freak them out a little. Always gets an awkward smile"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2017318153068433607)  2026-01-30T19:25Z 1.1M followers, 100K engagements


"A messy night out ended with a random Chinese which was more swallowed whole than chewed due to my drunken state. After next days afternoon beer shit I went for my first wipe which in turn pulled out a whole semi digested shitty long stem of asparagus out of my puckered arsehole"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2017363451165741376)  2026-01-30T22:25Z 1.1M followers, 225.8K engagements


"Come to Fesshole Live in [----] Tickets on sale for Glasgow Leicester Luton Leeds & Cambridge. Sweden Tour visits Malm Gteborg and Stockholm and Anon Opin hits Leicester and Glasgow. Best of Fesshole audience confessions secret history & more: https://sites.google.com/view/fesshole https://sites.google.com/view/fesshole"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2017454074686275711)  2026-01-31T04:25Z 1.1M followers, 62.8K engagements


"Wife was happy when our 36yo son moved out. When we visited him he had turned his dining room into a war hammer battle room & the spare bedroom a retro gaming room. Wife was furious saying his house is like a nerdy teen's bedroom. Secretly I'm jealous he is living my fantasy"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2017529547864830329)  2026-01-31T09:25Z 1.1M followers, 926K engagements


"Make sure you show your tattoos in your dating profile please. Last week I wasted an hour and a coffee on a someone who had a knuckle tattoo"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2017559753178702015)  2026-01-31T11:25Z 1.1M followers, 110.9K engagements


"It is a testament to the creativity and power of radio advertising that if my wife fancies a shag she now asks if I want to come upstairs to see her new Wickes kitchen"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2017589942835134930)  2026-01-31T13:25Z 1.1M followers, 155.2K engagements


"My wife is organising an extremely expensive trip to Iceland for my next (big) birthday as she thinks it's somewhere I've always wanted to go. The only reason I wanted to go was because in [----] Loaded magazine said Reykjavik has the most beautiful women in the world"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2017605044535722482)  2026-01-31T14:25Z 1.1M followers, 166.1K engagements


"Went camping in [----]. Didn't shit for [--] days. Driving home we stopped at a tearoom run by a little old lady. My bowels relaxed and I filled that poor woman's toilet to the brim. Leaving she wished us well and said how she was exhausted after a busy day. Sorry little old lady"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2017665442047734257)  2026-01-31T18:25Z 1.1M followers, 283.1K engagements


"I've lost twenty five kilos last year dieting. People think they're complimenting me when they say I look so much better but it just hurts my feelings because I thought I carried it well"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2017680542657921224)  2026-01-31T19:25Z 1.1M followers, 144.7K engagements


"The best thing about moving to the countryside is getting a log burner but we get through loads of newspaper. So I now take midnight walks to the local train station and steal the newspapers they leave out. The best time is Saturday night with all the dense weekend papers"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2017710741516669172)  2026-01-31T21:25Z 1.1M followers, 142.4K engagements


"Lost my cat in the divorce. He's "run away" because "he's not getting on with the new girlfriend's dog". I have just "found" him curled up in the back of my car asleep"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2017922136594079892)  2026-02-01T11:25Z 1.1M followers, 681.6K engagements


"At my last job there were tales of a "phantom shitter" going back years. Some unknown person who used to shit in random places. It had apparently not happened for a while so I secretly took up the mantle knowing as it pre-dated me I'd be beyond suspicion"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2017952339475169677)  2026-02-01T13:25Z 1.1M followers, 715.2K engagements


"If you're sitting in front of me on a flight and without giving a polite cursory look over your shoulder you recline your chair back into my face I will be rolling up and dropping bogeys in your hair for the remainder of the flight"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2018042932851319149)  2026-02-01T19:25Z 1.1M followers, 161.5K engagements


"I hated my replacement wheelchair at first. But then I realised the metal rims stick out further than my old one and are great for scratching the paint off of any cars and vans parked across a pavement I'm using. Had it a month and racked up [--] cars and [--] works vans. [---] stars"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2018269424575197219)  2026-02-02T10:25Z 1.1M followers, 264.7K engagements


"If I had a pound for every football league ground I'd wanked in I would have [--]. Which might not sound like much but I'd imagine it's more than you'd have"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2018344918293303414)  2026-02-02T15:25Z 1.1M followers, 215.2K engagements


"Quit being a Dr in the US when I discovered that the hospital favored low-priority rich people for organ transplants over high-priority very sick poor kids who were at death's door. I moved to UK & now work in the NHS. You guys have no idea how fucking lucky you are to have them"  
[X Link](https://x.com/anyuser/status/1728781915686146318)  2023-11-26T14:25Z 1.1M followers, 1.8M engagements


"I've had sex with dozens of men many of whom said sexy things to me and asked me to do sexy things. The hottest thing a man said to me was this simple and sincere request: "Can you please let your hair down It's so pretty." I think about it frequently"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2015128725113667688)  2026-01-24T18:25Z 1.1M followers, 1.4M engagements


"Went into dominos to pick up my order. Wasn't ready yet noticed someone called David hadn't picked theirs up yet. Messaged my mate out in the car and he came in and collected David's order. We ended up with double the pizza"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2017967436721488172)  2026-02-01T14:25Z 1.1M followers, 479.5K engagements


"I've got a literal wank bank - A Post Office savings account I pay [--] into every time I knock one out. It's a nice little savings pot of about [--] grand a year"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2018012735376650715)  2026-02-01T17:25Z 1.1M followers, 239.4K engagements


"Recently bought a used Audi A3 hybrid because it was a surprisingly good bargain. I now spend my days being outrageously courteous to other road users because I don't want to be lumped in with those other shit heads"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2018284519439175689)  2026-02-02T11:25Z 1.1M followers, 117.4K engagements


"I've boycotted a florist/greengrocer in my home town for 30+ years after they treated my brother like shit on a Saturday job. No idea if it's the same owners but fuck em"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2018299627154313426)  2026-02-02T12:25Z 1.1M followers, 137.9K engagements


"I'm a lollipop lady. I always make sure I stop the Teslas. Fuck Elon Musk"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2018405316170232183)  2026-02-02T19:25Z 1.1M followers, 190.5K engagements


"Brother and I got a McDonalds and landed number [--] ticket. We stood pretending to zone out on our phones while the poor guy had to call it out repeatedly louder each time to a packed restaurant. We're both in our mid-40s. Sorry"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2019009296894251234)  2026-02-04T11:25Z 1.1M followers, 175.1K engagements


"I work at a major body. As a good deed we regularly give our old computers to local cash-strapped schools. I used to assign only the best to my child's school. Due to their poor response to my child being bullied I now ensure that school only gets the shittiest machines"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2019054600687325363)  2026-02-04T14:25Z 1.1M followers, 182.2K engagements


"I've been a stage hand for a while now. Every time I do a mic check I say something like "hey google set an alarm for 3am". Serves them right for enabling a stupid feature with no secuirty"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2019130094157971780)  2026-02-04T19:25Z 1.1M followers, 176K engagements


"My [--] year old son is receiving lots of praise from my wife for telling his teacher that an older student was selling sweets in the playground. I praised him too but truthfully I'm ashamed of him the little grass"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2019341489826849230)  2026-02-05T09:25Z 1.1M followers, 219.3K engagements


"I once stayed silent during sex because correcting them on my name felt more awkward than letting them finish confidently calling me the wrong one"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2019416981410078853)  2026-02-05T14:25Z 1.1M followers, 111.6K engagements


"When I'm in the queue at Greggs and can see the wait is going to be more than [--] minutes I order through the app for a collection slot [--] minutes ahead leave the queue take a seat and wait for my order to be called skipping past the queue entirely"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2019794470716219541)  2026-02-06T15:25Z 1.1M followers, 126.7K engagements


"Each night I bid my daughters (5 and 8) goodnight with "goodnight sleep tight don't let the rats eat the skin off your face". In my mind I'm being a silly "fun dad" but part of me wonders if I might actually be a daft cunt who shouldn't have been allowed to raise children"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2019824668631290129)  2026-02-06T17:25Z 1.1M followers, 168.4K engagements


"Come to Fesshole Live in [----] Tickets on sale for Glasgow Leicester Luton Leeds & Cambridge. Sweden Tour visits Malm Gteborg and Stockholm and Anon Opin hits Leicester and Glasgow. Best of Fesshole audience confessions secret history & more: https://sites.google.com/view/fesshole https://sites.google.com/view/fesshole"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2019990788210303130)  2026-02-07T04:25Z 1.1M followers, 62.7K engagements


"Couldn't understand why so many of my socks were getting holes in so blamed my wife for loading the washing machine badly. The realised I badly needed to trim my toenails"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2020111558743900391)  2026-02-07T12:25Z 1.1M followers, 82.5K engagements


"I'm an English teacher. My perspective is that all of Shakespeare's comedies are appalling sub Benny Hill shit and they're all the same. His tragedies are great. Furthermore people who laugh at the "jokes" at theatres are possibly even worse than "Live Laugh Love" dullards"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2020141756763791368)  2026-02-07T14:25Z 1.1M followers, 143K engagements


"Despite being together a long time I've only just noticed that my husband can't use a knife and fork correctly. He uses the knife to tear food apart rather than cut it and I die a little more inside every time"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2020232355269521793)  2026-02-07T20:25Z 1.1M followers, 107.2K engagements


"Council worker here. If you want a pothole blocked drain graffiti or anything bad quickly resolved moan about it to a local newspaper with photos. It gets sorted as soon as possible and everyone is happy. Works like a charm everytime"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2020428649057472523)  2026-02-08T09:25Z 1.1M followers, 156.6K engagements


"When I was [--] I was taken home by a [--] year old lady. Before going upstairs she had to feed the spiders and other creatures in glass tanks. I said "it's like The Really Wild Show". She laughed her housemate was Howie Watkin the presenter of the show"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2020458849568793015)  2026-02-08T11:25Z 1.1M followers, 514.2K engagements


"My local newspaper has been sharing non-local news for some time. I play a fun game where I measure the furthest area covered on their site away from the area. It was [---] miles away Edinburgh but it's just been smashed by a news story in Bangkok [----] miles away"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2020519255020646749)  2026-02-08T15:25Z 1.1M followers, 102.6K engagements


"Girlfriend dumped me on account of my chronic farting. I was depressed for a few days and didn't go out and didn't have any milk or cheese in the fridge. No farting. I've since cut out Yazoo and Nesquick and barely fart at all these days. Who says men can't gain self knowledge"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2020549443792052400)  2026-02-08T17:25Z 1.1M followers, 353.4K engagements


"I have an unhealthy interest in the Amazon Firestick screensaver photos. I can identify 99.9% of the locations. I have categorised them in various different ways. My family does not share my interest"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2020579644076937689)  2026-02-08T19:25Z 1.1M followers, 87.5K engagements


"I use dehumidifiers to dry water damaged houses mostly burst pipes in dead people's houses. Means I take wet logs to dry them out and burn them at home. Thanks insurance companies"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2020957129356497002)  2026-02-09T20:25Z 1.1M followers, 256.2K engagements


"Spent a decade working for the Jobcentre. By the letter of the law could have referred many for a probable sanction. Unless blatant pisstakers rarely did as at worst some of them would've ended up dead. Making it out of the house for a chat with me was often achievement enough"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2021198721782817005)  2026-02-10T12:25Z 1.1M followers, 220K engagements


"If ever I cut myself with a knife whilst preparing food the knife after it's been washed - obviously has to go in the back of the drawer. Or preferably the bin. It's tasted blood once and it'll try again"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2021213820916552051)  2026-02-10T13:25Z 1.1M followers, 89.9K engagements


"I draw caricatures during Teams calls. Just using a Biro and Post-Its. I have zero artistic ability but you'd identify who it was. Give it a try. It's fun. choose a noticeable feature eg eyebrows mouth line and exaggerate it a bit. Then draw the rest of the face around it"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2021591309820006593)  2026-02-11T14:25Z 1.1M followers, 61.4K engagements


"Use grocery delivery services when they have good discount codes. Sometimes just want to have wine but embarrassed to order only that so I add to the order all kinds of healthy food to look like I have a nutritious diet or about to cook nice meal. Probably not the only one"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2021636607183315265)  2026-02-11T17:25Z 1.1M followers, 69.4K engagements


"Wife ordered the PAX System from IKEA did not consult me. Now I'm the bad guy as the ceiling is too low to fit the 2.36m version she ordered as "I thought bigger meant I could get more in." I've been told to make it work. Might just move"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2021666815156383851)  2026-02-11T19:25Z 1.1M followers, 197.8K engagements


"Years ago my allotment neighbour caused us huge amounts of trouble saying part of our plot was theirs complaining about my kids robbing stuff and just being shits. Since then I sign them up for every subscription email list I see. Hopefully their email is unusable by now"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2021681916445892746)  2026-02-11T20:25Z 1.1M followers, 121K engagements


"We never used the term "cake batter" when I was a kid we said "cake mix." When I first heard cake batter in my early 20s I assumed someone took a slice of cake dipped it in batter and deep fried it. As I'm Scottish I don't think this is completely unreasonable"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2021908398074171778)  2026-02-12T11:25Z 1.1M followers, 125K engagements


"As I get into my mid 60s some people think it funny or embarrassing that I still wear my old punk gear including studded wristband and bullet belt. It's actually for leaving the odd scratch on one particular posh car that parks right outside my driveway. Vive le rock"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2021983898045915320)  2026-02-12T16:25Z 1.1M followers, 107.1K engagements


"Finally found a barber I like. Minimal chatting good job quick work and good price. Yesterday he said my recent cold was because of my Covid jabs and waffled on for [--] minutes about it. Lunacy. I can never return and have to find a new barber"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2022285886273024084)  2026-02-13T12:25Z 1.1M followers, 247.8K engagements


"I work a specialist admin job in a large university. After several restructurings I was left without a line manager. I think they just forgot about me. Not been given any work in three years. I just turn up occasionally and work a few side hustles from the office"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2022451979142738044)  2026-02-13T23:25Z 1.1M followers, 537.6K engagements


"I use Grindr a lot but not for sex. I love looking at the decor of the homes people photograph themselves in. I've had suggestions for delightful chairs curtains and wallpaper by messaging men on Grindr"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2022799270831644829)  2026-02-14T22:25Z 1.1M followers, 44.8K engagements


"Only child. Parents gone. Diagnosed with stage [--] cancer recently. One of the many thoughts that then was swirling around my head was an excited "oooh I'm going to be the centre of attention again""  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2017982531790832090)  2026-02-01T15:25Z 1.1M followers, 324.6K engagements


"No one told me it wasn't cider in the brown plastic bottles being thrown around at Reading Festival [----]. Soon learned"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2018375119429640551)  2026-02-02T17:25Z 1.1M followers, 143.2K engagements


"Been basically vegetarian for years but sneak the occasional Greggs or KFC. The thrill of being caught and shamed adds to the flavour so the closer to our place the better. Decided to tell the wife I've gone full veggie officially so I can ride a bigger high"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2018813003324346697)  2026-02-03T22:25Z 1.1M followers, 96.9K engagements


"My [--] year old son is an absolute nightmare and will only sleep attached to my partner. When he wakes up crying in the middle of the night I take the opportunity to sleep downstairs in my office claiming there's 'no room'. I just love sleeping on the sofa like I'm back at uni"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2017650342301757878)  2026-01-31T17:25Z 1.1M followers, 116.9K engagements


"I have been a shift worker since I was [--]. It has gotten me out of countless family events birthday parties or things that I just don't want to go to. Don't fancy doing something I'll just say I'm at work even if I'm not. Best decision I've ever made"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2018420416801321140)  2026-02-02T20:25Z 1.1M followers, 149.5K engagements


"Sainsbury's year end review made me realise how much of a fatty I am number [--] item was caramel tarts. Number [--] buyer in the whole of England"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2018692211743903828)  2026-02-03T14:25Z 1.1M followers, 186.3K engagements


"I bought some satin bed sheets because I thought they'd be sexy. I went to bed went to sleep and then slid onto the floor. I'm now trying to book physiotherapy for my shoulder"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2019356588918681848)  2026-02-05T10:25Z 1.1M followers, 99K engagements


"We use a spreadsheet at work where cells are coloured to show status. Two members of the team will just colour the entire row - all 16k columns - rather than just the necessary cells. It's a petty thing but I want to murder both of them"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2019371690824745068)  2026-02-05T11:25Z 1.1M followers, 172.1K engagements


"I've managed to convince my [--] year old he shouldn't touch the hoover. Now all he wants to do is the hoovering. He's just asked if he can do the whole house on Sunday I replied "if you have to" Not sure if this is a cleaning hack or gas lighting and child abuse"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2019854869092307455)  2026-02-06T19:25Z 1.1M followers, 147.5K engagements


"Come to Fesshole Live in [----] Tickets on sale for Glasgow Leicester Luton Leeds & Cambridge. Sweden Tour visits Malm Gteborg and Stockholm and Anon Opin hits Leicester and Glasgow. Best of Fesshole audience confessions secret history & more: https://sites.google.com/view/fesshole https://sites.google.com/view/fesshole"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2020353176000442810)  2026-02-08T04:25Z 1.1M followers, 52K engagements


"My younger brother is my parents favourite he can do no wrong and has been given everything my siblings and I wasn't - he failed his A-levels spectacularly and now works in McDonald's - splendid"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2021228923908984991)  2026-02-10T14:25Z 1.1M followers, 119.8K engagements


"I find going to the optician for an eye test a really erotic experience. Sitting there in the dark with a woman that close and touching my face with ice cold fingers"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2022089595270181173)  2026-02-12T23:25Z 1.1M followers, 89.5K engagements


"My wife died unexpectedly at [--] years old. I miss her so much. I bought a single electric blanket for her side of our bed so that it feels like she's still there when I'm sleeping"  
[X Link](https://x.com/anyuser/status/1621968095567921152)  2023-02-04T20:25Z 1.1M followers, 5.1M engagements


"After years of pleading I finally convinced my wife to try an open relationship. We're now both on dating apps. She has 2000+ likes a few dates in the diary and has already slept with [--] men. I've gotten zero attention despite redoing my profile and paying for boosts. Gutted"  
[X Link](https://x.com/anyuser/status/1799930731713495041)  2024-06-09T22:25Z 1.1M followers, 7.5M engagements


"TICKETS FOR THE SHOWS: Fesshole Live Leicester [--] Feb '26 Leeds [--] Mar '26 Luton [--] Mar '26 Glasgow [--] Mar '26 Malm Sweden [--] Apr '26 Gteborg Sweden [--] Apr '26 Stockholm Sweden [--] Apr '26 Anon Opin Live Leicester 12/13 Feb '26 Glasgow [--] Mar '26 https://sites.google.com/view/fesshole https://sites.google.com/view/fesshole"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2011386557270536667)  2026-01-14T10:34Z 1.1M followers, 685K engagements


"I wrote off my car because I was distracted by a woman's chest. I'm a happily married mum of two but I was suddenly mesmerised by them. I can't even say I was looking at her top she just had a wonderful pair of boobs"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2017182266091311499)  2026-01-30T10:25Z 1.1M followers, 156.6K engagements


"I occasionally visit a sex worker in an apartment in a suburban area in middle England I've just looked on google earth and noticed my car parked in its usual place by said apartment when I visit her"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2017378552153293153)  2026-01-30T23:25Z 1.1M followers, 815.9K engagements


"I am a woman in the process of setting my life up to avoid men. The Grok undressing women and children thing just solidified something for me. Every man who thinks that is ok should be on a register"  
[X Link](https://x.com/fesshole/status/2017544655798182086)  2026-01-31T10:25Z 1.1M followers, 247.5K engagements

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