[GUEST ACCESS MODE: Data is scrambled or limited to provide examples. Make requests using your API key to unlock full data. Check https://lunarcrush.ai/auth for authentication information.]  Wes, the Dadliest Catch [@wfenza](/creator/twitter/wfenza) on x 1090 followers Created: 2025-07-15 16:26:19 UTC Thirteen years ago, I wrote a blog post claiming that if someone in a monogamous relationship offers me sex, it’s not my responsibility to turn them down because they made a foolish promise to someone else. That’s between them, and I don’t think it’s my job to enforce their promises that had nothing to do with me. Predictably, I did not get a lot of support. Even in sex-positive communities, that sort of thing is frowned upon. Polyamorous communities, in particular, engage in a kind of respectability politics where everyone goes out of their way to talk about how great monogamy is and how we’re no threat to it at all, mostly as a bid for acceptance. So it was no surprise when, this morning, I asked the following question on Twitter: A married couple has both agreed to strict monogamy. Idk why. Wife comes to me and asks me to give her oral sex, and not to tell Husband. I do it (and also encourage her to tell Husband). What I've done is: The choices were very bad, kinda bad, not bad, and good. Over XX% said very or kinda bad. Less than X% said good. When I’ve discussed this in the past, I’ve argued that people react this way because, even in nonmonogamous communities, we can’t shake the idea that monogamy is sacred. We give it a special privilege in our society, even though I think, for most couples, strict monogamy is outdated and harmful. A lot of people disagree with that as well, and claim that no no no, it’s not that monogamy is important, it’s that any agreements between couples are important, and we should respect and support all of them. I think that’s bullshit, so Last week, I asked Twitter the exact same question, but with one detail changed: A married couple has both agreed that neither will give to charity. Idk why. Wife comes to me and hands me $XXXXX cash, and says please send it to the Against Malaria Foundation, and not to tell Husband. I do it (and also encourage her to tell Husband). The responses were reversed. Less than XX% said it was bad. XX% said it was actively good, and another XX% said not bad. These results strongly reinforce my view that most people’s discomfort with being, as they say, an “accomplice to cheating,” has little to do with holding all agreements sacred and everything to do with holding monogamy sacred. Look, I have no problem with your monogamy agreement. Your kink is not my kind and that’s ok. I want you to make whatever agreements you want between yourself and any partners who are into it. But I am not in charge of enforcement. If you have a trad relationship and your wife isn’t supposed to be alone in a room with another man, I’m not going to leave the room if she walks in and strikes up a conversation. If you have a power exchange kink, and your wife isn’t allowed to earn money, I don’t recognize your authority to tell me I can’t hire her as my babysitter. So if your particular brand of power exchange involves giving each other control over your sexuality, that’s great for you! But I, personally, don’t value monogamy. I think it’s a mistake for most couples. And I think it’s a huge mistake to embrace it on a society-wide level. So I’m not going to take responsibility for enforcing an agreement that I don’t have positive feelings about. If you disagree, that’s great, and I’m happy to talk about it. But I’m guessing your disagreement is about the value of monogamy, not about whether third parties should be expected to enforce relationship agreements in general. So let’s talk about the actual disagreement.  XXXXXXX engagements  **Related Topics** [blog](/topic/blog) [Post Link](https://x.com/wfenza/status/1945157992007016886)
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Wes, the Dadliest Catch @wfenza on x 1090 followers
Created: 2025-07-15 16:26:19 UTC
Thirteen years ago, I wrote a blog post claiming that if someone in a monogamous relationship offers me sex, it’s not my responsibility to turn them down because they made a foolish promise to someone else. That’s between them, and I don’t think it’s my job to enforce their promises that had nothing to do with me. Predictably, I did not get a lot of support. Even in sex-positive communities, that sort of thing is frowned upon. Polyamorous communities, in particular, engage in a kind of respectability politics where everyone goes out of their way to talk about how great monogamy is and how we’re no threat to it at all, mostly as a bid for acceptance. So it was no surprise when, this morning, I asked the following question on Twitter:
A married couple has both agreed to strict monogamy. Idk why. Wife comes to me and asks me to give her oral sex, and not to tell Husband. I do it (and also encourage her to tell Husband). What I've done is:
The choices were very bad, kinda bad, not bad, and good. Over XX% said very or kinda bad. Less than X% said good. When I’ve discussed this in the past, I’ve argued that people react this way because, even in nonmonogamous communities, we can’t shake the idea that monogamy is sacred. We give it a special privilege in our society, even though I think, for most couples, strict monogamy is outdated and harmful. A lot of people disagree with that as well, and claim that no no no, it’s not that monogamy is important, it’s that any agreements between couples are important, and we should respect and support all of them. I think that’s bullshit, so Last week, I asked Twitter the exact same question, but with one detail changed:
A married couple has both agreed that neither will give to charity. Idk why. Wife comes to me and hands me $XXXXX cash, and says please send it to the Against Malaria Foundation, and not to tell Husband. I do it (and also encourage her to tell Husband).
The responses were reversed. Less than XX% said it was bad. XX% said it was actively good, and another XX% said not bad. These results strongly reinforce my view that most people’s discomfort with being, as they say, an “accomplice to cheating,” has little to do with holding all agreements sacred and everything to do with holding monogamy sacred.
Look, I have no problem with your monogamy agreement. Your kink is not my kind and that’s ok. I want you to make whatever agreements you want between yourself and any partners who are into it. But I am not in charge of enforcement. If you have a trad relationship and your wife isn’t supposed to be alone in a room with another man, I’m not going to leave the room if she walks in and strikes up a conversation. If you have a power exchange kink, and your wife isn’t allowed to earn money, I don’t recognize your authority to tell me I can’t hire her as my babysitter. So if your particular brand of power exchange involves giving each other control over your sexuality, that’s great for you! But I, personally, don’t value monogamy. I think it’s a mistake for most couples. And I think it’s a huge mistake to embrace it on a society-wide level. So I’m not going to take responsibility for enforcing an agreement that I don’t have positive feelings about.
If you disagree, that’s great, and I’m happy to talk about it. But I’m guessing your disagreement is about the value of monogamy, not about whether third parties should be expected to enforce relationship agreements in general. So let’s talk about the actual disagreement.
XXXXXXX engagements
Related Topics blog