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Gleamy Dreams ~ @GleamyD on x 9754 followers
Created: 2025-07-25 16:58:58 UTC
When I had the positive result in April, I remember he was talking about how it was a bad time and how we weren't living together yet. I was being asked about what to do about it...
I wasn't upset with him, but I didn't want to lose the pregnancy. The thought did occur to me that he lives in another country and that he would struggle to track me if I cut every tie and ran, though I'll admit I was pissed off because I am currently in a position where the government needs to know where I am (I considered a fake ID to go back off grid, taking my chances.) so ... I knew I wouldn't be able to do it under my birth name.
I loved him, I wanted him to be there but I was still partial to cutting and running if I sensed any resistance or pressure.
I was in a position where I was telling him that I loved him, that I wanted a life with him, while calculating every single exit plan in the world at the same time and analyzing exactly what legal issues I could be in if I did exactly that, how much of my life I'd possibly concede or give up and the essential death of my legal birth ID for the pregnancy.
I have no idea what was coming over me at the moment, but even the suggestion that it wasn't a good time had me wound up like a spring ready to go off.
I got an inappropriate email from the used sock at exactly that time so I focused some of that energy at him because he was in the way. "I hope this email finds you dead." isn't an appropriate thing to think (not really how I feel about him anyways, whole thing is kind of tragic), but I just documented the inappropriate contact for my own exhibits and told his lawyer to tell him not to make that mistake again.
I was dealing with an unplanned contraceptive failure pregnancy with a positive test in my hand while having an asshole who denied my last one ever happened harassing me for documents (including medical). If I had any urge to hide the pregnancy after that? It was gone, actually.
It was that email and I guess being reminded about what I did the last time that made me actually make sure to include Moon and actually get everything medically documented?
If he were to ever find this, I would like to personally thank him for helping drive me closer to Moon. ❤️ We were there for each other for the pregnancy and after without me planning an escape plan after that...
I spent my time thinking about how we could maybe make it work or what I needed to do otherwise.
I don't know what it says about me that the first sign of doubt in readiness became "I can run away in ways he or nobody else can find me." but... I think a part of me just wanted to preserve the love and happiness I felt? I dunno...
But I'm happy I got to share that love with Moon anyways ❤️ in a way, it was kind of a wake up call... I didn't withhold my emotional intimacy, I didn't protect myself, I just let him in... And he didn't hurt me. Can't say the same thing about the other one, but I know Moon loves me.
I dunno, have some crazy ramblings.
XXX engagements
