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@fesshole Avatar @fesshole Fesshole🧻

Fesshole🧻 posts on X about im a, all the, mum, money the most. They currently have XXXXXXXXX followers and 7263 posts still getting attention that total XXXXXXXXX engagements in the last XX hours.

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Mentions: XXX #

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Followers: XXXXXXXXX #

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CreatorRank: XXXXXX #

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Social Influence #

Social category influence technology brands stocks finance #4680 travel destinations countries social networks celebrities musicians gaming fashion brands

Social topic influence im a #58, all the, mum #246, money #1556, toilet #460, which i #32, its just #320, instead of, cleaning #1871, next to #26

Top assets mentioned Alphabet Inc Class A (GOOGL) Spotify Technology (SPOT)

Top Social Posts #

Top posts by engagements in the last XX hours

"My wife is not speaking to me because her and her mother walked in on me trying to vacuum a fart directly from source"
X Link @fesshole 2025-10-07T18:25Z 1.1M followers, 189.4K engagements

"Each day I put my fancy wee metal card holder in my breast pocket I wonder if today is the day it will protect me from a snipers bullet. XX year old lawyer. Still waiting"
X Link @fesshole 2025-10-16T11:25Z 1.1M followers, 48.3K engagements

"It's my remaining life's goal to be employed but forgotten about. I work in a corporate. I'm so close. I switched teams and have zero meetings or even emails. My manager is hands off to the point of absence. All it will take is for him to leave and I might just get away with it"
X Link @fesshole 2025-10-05T10:25Z 1.1M followers, 262.7K engagements

"I buy a new grill pan instead of cleaning the dirty one. My husband thinks I do a great job of scrubbing it up so nice"
X Link @fesshole 2025-10-06T20:25Z 1.1M followers, 106K engagements

"Both mine & my other half's laptops are about to be obsolete due to being incompatible with Windows XX. We've talked about getting a one shared between us going forward. My near-20 yr collection of downloaded porn pics will officially be coming to an end then"
X Link @fesshole 2025-09-30T17:25Z 1.1M followers, 130.8K engagements

"Accidentally hit the car next to me with my trolley when unloading in a supermarket car park. The woman who owned the car wasn't happy. Began yelling at me about the tiny barely visible scratch threatened to send her brothers after me if I didn't pay etc. Anyway married her"
X Link @fesshole 2025-10-15T17:25Z 1.1M followers, 178K engagements

"Up until it was recently pointed out to me I've always believed that Su Pollard & Jennie Eclair were the same person"
X Link @fesshole 2025-10-12T10:25Z 1.1M followers, 110.6K engagements

"I have a particular skill but I'm not really sure how to use it in a beneficial non-creepy way. I have the ability to locate people based on their photos & social posts. Sometimes right down to the number on their front door even if they never posted a photo of their house"
X Link @fesshole 2025-09-29T07:25Z 1.1M followers, 160.9K engagements

"Short-term flat rental websites have ruined my city: extortionate house prices over-tourism few long-term lets. I protest write letters put up posters. I've booked a lovely cheap apartment for a weekend in Madrid but I'm telling nobody"
X Link @fesshole 2025-10-11T18:25Z 1.1M followers, 107K engagements

"Woman XX heterosexual marriage. This is my second marriage. I've slept with both my sisters in law. My first husband's sister and my husband's sister. I'm happily married and not a closet lesbian - I was very drunk with the first time and I just fancied the second one sexually"
X Link @fesshole 2025-10-03T13:25Z 1.1M followers, 233.7K engagements

"I appeared on University Challenge years ago. I didn't actually attend the university in question. I used to take short cuts through the campus and saw the notice for the try outs. Went along for a laugh and made the team. No one ever checked if I was actually a student there"
X Link @fesshole 2025-10-09T13:25Z 1.1M followers, 228.4K engagements

"My mother wants a kitten for company. Told her she'd be better off with an older rescue dog to help her stay mobile and meet people while out walking. It's true but the real reason is I don't want to be stuck with a cat if she croaks"
X Link @fesshole 2025-10-05T09:25Z 1.1M followers, 98.1K engagements

"As a teenager I once stole a Universal Media Disk copy of "Desperately Sexy Housewives" from HMV in Southside Shopping Centre so I could watch it on my PSP"
X Link @fesshole 2025-10-07T08:25Z 1.1M followers, 93.8K engagements

"I was not included in my sister in laws wedding photos as I was busy breastfeeding our first born. They didn't wait for me. Why she thought I wanted to view them after the event I have no idea. Very expensive wedding and they got acrimoniously divorced. Serves them right"
X Link @fesshole 2025-10-12T15:25Z 1.1M followers, 175.3K engagements

"Addicted to sucking water out of my bathing sponge. It's especially good when the sponge has fully dried out and it's slight crisp"
X Link @fesshole 2025-10-06T11:25Z 1.1M followers, 97.3K engagements

"My cat who never sits on my lap actually sat on my lap this morning. And is still there right now. I had to call in sick to work so he can sit on me as long as he wants"
X Link @fesshole 2025-10-08T21:25Z 1.1M followers, 200.7K engagements

"I love my stepson but most times he forgets to flush after a shit. Before going on holiday for a week I took a massive dump. When we came back the house smelled like a sewer and his mom grounded him for two weeks. Problem solved"
X Link @fesshole 2025-09-30T11:25Z 1.1M followers, 120.5K engagements

"I've been on the dating apps for a decade. I've had less than a handful of dates. No matches in five years now. I knew I was unattractive but to have it so emphatically confirmed is depressing. No "Just meet people in person" doesn't work. If it did I wouldn't be on the apps"
X Link @fesshole 2025-10-13T19:25Z 1.1M followers, 275.2K engagements

"If a song comes on the radio and I know the lyrics I sing along but in the style of The Monster Mash you know with that sort of sarcastic tone. It genuinely infuriates my wife to the point I think she will leave me but I can't stop"
X Link @fesshole 2025-10-15T16:25Z 1.1M followers, 65.9K engagements

"I graduated with a "pass" in 2001. I needed a copy of my degree certificate so I contacted the university they'd been through so many upgrades of their records system they just asked me what grade I got. Now I'm a XXX graduate"
X Link @fesshole 2025-10-15T07:25Z 1.1M followers, 275.8K engagements

"I got set up with a guy who I had no interest in went to the pity date because my plans for that day feel through and well we end up doing it and ended up conceiving and now we have three kids and get married this weekend. Oops"
X Link @fesshole 2025-10-08T10:25Z 1.1M followers, 240.7K engagements

"When I was about XX a much older male colleague called me "not marriage material". I'm celebrating my tenth wedding anniversary this week with my absolute gem of a husband. I'd stalk the twat on socials to feel smug but I can't even remember a first name. Unremarkable loser"
X Link @fesshole 2025-10-03T22:25Z 1.1M followers, 151.6K engagements

"Bought a dashcam got it installed by an auto electrician. Auto guy said 'it didn't have an SD card in the box'. Box said '128GB card included' so I went back to the shop and made them give me one. Then it wouldn't fit because there was an SD card in the slot"
X Link @fesshole 2025-09-27T18:25Z 1.1M followers, 206.4K engagements

"Elderly parents living on a pension - also very proud so I signed them up for a bonus card with the nearest supermarket. Every few weeks I put money on it and then they get asked if they'd like to use their balance - they think it's from points they've collected"
X Link @fesshole 2025-10-06T16:25Z 1.1M followers, 368.6K engagements

"I've been a pilot for over XX years. I still struggle with telling my left from my right and I have to think hard about getting East & West the right way round too"
X Link @fesshole 2025-10-03T16:25Z 1.1M followers, 89.4K engagements

"I had pain in my left thumb going down towards my wrist for years. I solved it easily. I take the dog out late every night and when I pick up his poo I bag it up and squelch it like therapeutic putty. So excited it's winter soon and am looking forward to warm left hand"
X Link @fesshole 2025-10-06T17:25Z 1.1M followers, 106.7K engagements

"My wife goes for a poo only in the upstairs toilet. When she does I go for a poo in the downstairs toilet hoping that her poo and my poo will meet in the pipes. No idea why"
X Link @fesshole 2025-10-13T20:25Z 1.1M followers, 165.4K engagements

"Used to travel with the same three guys monthly for work fancied one of their wives so I "accidently" video called her to talk about their son's first day at new school whilst my colleague talked about his latest escort in the background. This week my stepson turned 16"
X Link @fesshole 2025-10-08T18:25Z 1.1M followers, 331.7K engagements

"I'm a minor celeb. Went to wrong funeral by mistake. People were impressed thier friend/relative knew me. Even in the book in the crematorium bedside his name it now says "was a dark horse & mixed with celebrities.""
X Link @fesshole 2025-09-29T15:25Z 1.1M followers, 219.6K engagements

"A confession on behalf of us all. Everyone must put their hand down the loo if they have a very long turd that will not flush"
X Link @fesshole 2025-10-03T07:25Z 1.1M followers, 160.5K engagements

"Just because you're not in jail doesn't mean you're not guilty. Share your confession here:"
X Link @fesshole 2025-10-05T11:00Z 1.1M followers, 74.7K engagements

"After XX months I have used every women's toilet cubicle in the office building I work in. But they want to schedule me on some weekend shifts. I think this means I can pee in all the men's toilet cubicles too"
X Link @fesshole 2025-10-01T11:25Z 1.1M followers, 91.3K engagements

"I've had an interest only mortgage for years. In 2030 it finishes. By which time I'll be retired. I do the lottery every week hoping I can pay it off but I know in X years time I'll be fucked. I'll have to tell the missus soon; but not yet"
X Link @fesshole 2025-09-29T12:25Z 1.1M followers, 534.1K engagements

"I worked on a huge movie in Ireland and known as an "Irish mammy" helping foreign crew out. I told them "pog mo thoin" was Irish for "thank you". It means "kiss my arse". No offence was taken as people knew they'd been set up as did crew when the response was howls of laughter"
X Link @fesshole 2025-09-28T10:25Z 1.1M followers, 97.1K engagements

"Over heard two dudes at bar relay code for leaving a line in toilets. Fucked up thier system and nicked three decent lines before they changed tactics"
X Link @fesshole 2025-10-13T14:25Z 1.1M followers, 182.1K engagements

"I started watching football at university to fit in with my first year flatmates but actually hated it. We're meeting up for the first time in five years and they want to watch football at a pub. I'm now revising the last five years of football"
X Link @fesshole 2025-10-11T16:25Z 1.1M followers, 112.6K engagements

"45 year old married bloke. I love my wife dearly but have struggled with my weight for years. Realised that I'm only ever able to motivate myself to lose weight when I'm trying to shag someone new. Planning an imaginary affair just to motivate myself. Hoping I won't act on it"
X Link @fesshole 2025-10-12T11:25Z 1.1M followers, 148.3K engagements

"As a teenager I discovered one of my Christmas presents hidden in my Mum & Dad's bedroom. I used to sneak in & read it & put it back in the lead up to Christmas. It was the Who's Who of Derby County from 1992. It didn't make it any less exciting to open it on Christmas Day"
X Link @fesshole 2025-10-03T21:25Z 1.1M followers, 112.3K engagements

"My XX year old daughter introduced her boyfriend to me. On paper he ticks a lot of boxes - well educated good job polite treats her well etc. But he's a Spurs fan so is destined to a life of misery and I don't want any grandkids to be like that"
X Link @fesshole 2025-10-02T12:25Z 1.1M followers, 195.3K engagements

"In 1988 we went on holiday to America. I told my XX year old brother that they'd just released Nike Air Antigrav shoes. He went to every shoe shop in two shopping malls asking to try a pair of the limited release trainers I'd imagined for him"
X Link @fesshole 2025-10-10T20:25Z 1.1M followers, 104.9K engagements

"Whenever I put cutlery back into the drawer after the dishwasher I always move the spoons around and bring the old ones to the top. It's nothing to do with hygiene I just don't want the spoons to get upset about not making tea"
X Link @fesshole 2025-10-14T10:25Z 1.1M followers, 88.8K engagements

"Since the union and England flags appeared on our streets I've been having to find routes that avoid driving through them or it might look like I agree with them being there. The journeys now have to go illogical but much more pleasant routes"
X Link @fesshole 2025-10-05T12:25Z 1.1M followers, 182K engagements

"Sustained a hernia during a particularly strenuous bout of horizontal gymnastics. Claimed the injury had occurred during a subsequent car crash and got 7k compensation for one of the best experiences of my life"
X Link @fesshole 2025-10-12T13:25Z 1.1M followers, 141.5K engagements

"I never cum from PIV sex. I can cum during PIV but it's from clitoral stimulation and I have to concentrate so hard my partner gets totally ignored. Rude So I don't bother. I masturbate after or before. What thoughts do I cum to when wanking PIV sex almost exclusively"
X Link @fesshole 2025-09-27T13:25Z 1.1M followers, 495.2K engagements

"I'm XX and my 40yo wife is XX weeks pregnant. It was my idea. Every time my knees creak I think we may have done the wrong thing"
X Link @fesshole 2025-10-09T17:25Z 1.1M followers, 302.7K engagements

"Walking to work in London a trio of random Japanese tourists approached me excitedly asked for a selfie with me and for my autograph which I gave. I'm not famous and I have no idea who they thought I was"
X Link @fesshole 2025-10-09T22:25Z 1.1M followers, 152.1K engagements

"The people before us in the Air b'n'b we're currently staying at didn't sign out of their streaming services on the TV. All I can say is Adrian I'm sorry I was left alone and bored. I hope you notice your updated watchlist before your wife does"
X Link @fesshole 2025-10-06T12:25Z 1.1M followers, 117.4K engagements

"I only recently tried a Cadbury's Fudge bar for the first time. I was always put off them because I thought the lyrics of the song in the advert were "it's full of peppery goodness" and I thought that sounded disgusting"
X Link @fesshole 2025-10-03T15:25Z 1.1M followers, 130.3K engagements

"MOT tester. I am supposed to top up and replace bulbs. If you bring your car to me with no water in the washers or a bulb not working. I am going to look super hard for a reason to fail somthing bigger. If you cant be bothered with basic maintenance why should I do it for you"
X Link @fesshole 2025-09-26T13:25Z 1.1M followers, 272K engagements

"I'm a Tory councillor but that's not the fess. I started going grey so decided to grow a beard. I got back from holiday and was very happy with how bushy it was. Then the councillor for the ward nextdoor called it my Karl Marx beard. I've just bought new shaving gear"
X Link @fesshole 2025-10-05T17:25Z 1.1M followers, 118.2K engagements

"My new hobby is trying to donate something to the charity shop that is so good that it gets featured on their facebook page. No luck yet will continue to try though"
X Link @fesshole 2025-10-03T08:25Z 1.1M followers, 87.5K engagements

"My wife calls me from her smartphone and asks me to Google things. I used to find it frustrating but now I believe she does it to make me feel clever and useful"
X Link @fesshole 2025-10-01T08:25Z 1.1M followers, 88.2K engagements

"Grandchildren over for the weekend. I made them their bedtime hot chocolate bit absent-mindedly used coffee. You know what happened next but no one knows why certainly not Nana & I'm only fessing to you lot"
X Link @fesshole 2025-10-07T10:25Z 1.1M followers, 184.7K engagements

"I was always forgetting the names of our elderly neighbours until I realised that it's just like saying "packet of crisps" in a very loose Glasgow accent. Their names are Pat & Chris"
X Link @fesshole 2025-10-11T12:25Z 1.1M followers, 93.4K engagements

"Years ago I ran a scam where I'd hide behind cars in pub carparks & pretend to get knocked over. They'd often hand me cash to not call XXX as they'd had a drink. One time an old bloke reversed over me breaking my ankle & ribs. He drove away laughing. Never did it again after that"
X Link @fesshole 2025-10-05T18:25Z 1.1M followers, 594.1K engagements

"My husband's having an affair but doesn't realise I know. I read his messages to her and she's starting to ghost him ignoring his messages or just replying with an emoji. His messages to her are increasingly desperate. His desperation is turning me off more than the affair"
X Link @fesshole 2025-10-13T13:25Z 1.1M followers, 355.4K engagements

"I keep buying tools. I'm a middle-aged woman who does no DIY. My husband does no DIY. I've just bought a mitre saw that does compound angles. I'm hiding it from him. I want a tracksaw"
X Link @fesshole 2025-10-03T19:25Z 1.1M followers, 116.9K engagements

"I hate getting presents. I have all the things I need. Presents are just things I don't need but have to take care of. I live in a tiny flat and I don't have room for any more stuff. Please stop with the presents"
X Link @fesshole 2025-09-29T22:25Z 1.1M followers, 103.6K engagements

"The bin men didn't come until after 8pm last week. This made me realise how boring I am because it was one of the most interesting things that have happened in a while"
X Link @fesshole 2025-10-11T22:25Z 1.1M followers, 115.2K engagements

"When the cabin crew go through a safety demo on-board a plane I always stop what I'm doing to give that person my full attention. With a finger on my chin I even nod my approval at the end of each instruction. Nothing is going in of course but I want them to have an audience"
X Link @fesshole 2025-10-04T21:25Z 1.1M followers, 144.9K engagements

"Call centre worker here. I record a tally when the customer before providing their email address state 'all in lower case'. No Doreen your email address is case-insensitive. Highest count in a day is XX. We need to educating the UK public"
X Link @fesshole 2025-10-11T09:25Z 1.1M followers, 273.6K engagements

"Right upto when the Queen died I thought that her and Prince Charles were married"
X Link @fesshole 2025-10-13T18:25Z 1.1M followers, 128.5K engagements

"I've come to the realisation that I consume too much true crime content. I can't see a person wheeling a suitcase without my first thought being 'make sure you get a good look at their face you'll be a key witness when that case is discovered dumped somewhere containing a torso'"
X Link @fesshole 2025-10-07T22:25Z 1.1M followers, 94.5K engagements

"Been taking my dog on the school run now the mum I fancy has started bringing hers so they can play together. She smiled and see you tomorrow. I know nothing will happen but as a middle aged man existing in a sexless marriage this is the highlight of my year"
X Link @fesshole 2025-10-03T20:25Z 1.1M followers, 302.1K engagements

"I think my wife is trying to get me to cheat on her so she can divorce me and try to take everything off me. She's had 'friends' come round for drinks & when she goes to the bathroom they 'come on' to me. I'm not that stupid I'd rather keep what I have now than fall for that"
X Link @fesshole 2025-10-08T15:25Z 1.1M followers, 347.4K engagements

"My partner's friend group are twats. One of them made digs at me because I don't go to after parties in folk's kitchens. He was a small time dealer so I reported him to Crimestoppers. His house was raided pled guilty name plastered over the local paper. Mission accomplished"
X Link @fesshole 2025-10-12T18:25Z 1.1M followers, 336K engagements

"Wife told me to cancel Sky. Paying XX a month & not watching it. Nice Sky lady convinced me to stay at reduced price then threw other great offers at me which i agreed to. Now in a XX month contract at XXX a month. Changed the direct debit to my account so wife wont find out"
X Link @fesshole 2025-09-29T17:25Z 1.1M followers, 267.1K engagements

"In my area we have free book exchange cabinets - take a book leave a book up to you. I check the one near mine most days and if there's any books on "woo woo" New Age bollocks like astrology crystals reiki and tarot I take those books and get them shredded at the local tip"
X Link @fesshole 2025-10-01T14:25Z 1.1M followers, 97.6K engagements

"Significant other can't cook to save his life. Zero technique zero flavour zero cooking skill. "I like prawns and I like duck. Mix them together; fusion". No it fucking isn't it's disgusting. I put leftovers in the freezer and then quietly throw them out on bin day"
X Link @fesshole 2025-10-09T10:25Z 1.1M followers, 93.3K engagements

"For the last few months my diet has consisted mainly of Pot Noodles and Ferrero Rocher. Recently I discovered that if you stir a couple of the chocolates in like you would the sachet it improves the taste of both. Bonus marks for necking the whole lot in one go. Bon apptit"
X Link @fesshole 2025-10-11T08:25Z 1.1M followers, 90.7K engagements

"Convinced my husband that the correct orgasm ratio was that I get two for each of his. Told him that I'm approaching XX and my sexual peak so the ratio should change to 3:1. It's not that he should have fewer it's just that he needs so much rest after each climax. Poor dear"
X Link @fesshole 2025-10-04T20:25Z 1.1M followers, 204.9K engagements

"Worked at a supermarket. The manager Cath was absolutely vile to me. I called her "Beth" once by mistake and she went absolutely crazy so I kept doing it. She kept threatening disciplinary action but I kept pretending I just forgot her name. I didn't forget Beth"
X Link @fesshole 2025-10-11T14:25Z 1.1M followers, 120.8K engagements

"I sprint train X days a week and have gotten my one mile tome to 5:49. I WFH and my son's school is XXX miles away. If the bombs start falling I want to get to him in time to at least hold him tight. This all sounds crazy but X minutes reading the news makes me stick with it"
X Link @fesshole 2025-10-16T12:25Z 1.1M followers, 58.8K engagements

"There's a groove in my desk at work where I put a really long hair I plucked from my nostril. All my subsequent workplace nose plucks are measured up against it. If I ever get a longer one it shall unseat the current nose hair from its throne and become the new nose hair king"
X Link @fesshole 2025-10-09T08:25Z 1.1M followers, 89.8K engagements

"In the 80s when I was X for Mothers Day I bought my mum a book called Cristina's Bliss from the newsagent as it had a nice woman with flower in her hair on the cover. My mum kept it in her memento chest rather than the bookshelf. Found out years later it was erotic fiction"
X Link @fesshole 2025-09-28T17:25Z 1.1M followers, 104.9K engagements

"Recently attended Tory conference for work hoping to laugh at their sad gloomy faces. But they were all delighted they're so arrogant they genuinely think they're doing well and will win the next election. Infuriating to watch at the time but very funny how delusional they are"
X Link @fesshole 2025-10-16T07:25Z 1.1M followers, 76.5K engagements

"Went on a date with a new flame. Invited back following supper. Upon entry to flats realised I needed a shit. Located toilet did the business found there was no loo roll. Too embarrassed to ask I opted for a shower. "All ok" Still got laid and stayed with her for three years"
X Link @fesshole 2025-10-12T21:25Z 1.1M followers, 151.7K engagements

"Supermarket cashier here. I prepare orders for Just Eats Deliveroo etc to collect from the store. Yes we do judge you by your order. The saddest ever order was XX cigarettes a bottle of vodka and a pregnancy test"
X Link @fesshole 2025-10-15T08:25Z 1.1M followers, 132.4K engagements

"I get up earlier than the wife so I can make tea in bed. She loves it feels spoilt and all that crap. The real reason I do it is her tea making skills are poor. Small sacrifice to get up early but the tea taste far better"
X Link @fesshole 2025-10-07T14:25Z 1.1M followers, 90.9K engagements

"Studied Latin briefly at uni years ago. Mate proudly showed me his new Latin phrase tattoo the other day. Didn't recognise the word 'dont'. Turns out he hadn't put the apostrophe in when Google translating"
X Link @fesshole 2025-10-02T19:25Z 1.1M followers, 204.7K engagements

"Once after scratching my bum hole I had a couple of those little worms on my finger. I ate them. I often wonder about their journey back to my ring piece. Quite the adventure I expect. Like Frodo & Sam going to Mordor or something"
X Link @fesshole 2025-09-30T16:25Z 1.1M followers, 450.3K engagements

"I have a rule in the house. If my wife or kids leave anything lying around for a few days I bin it. Of course it's only me who knows about the rule. Always get asked where something is. 'I don't know' is always my answer"
X Link @fesshole 2025-10-12T22:25Z 1.1M followers, 118.7K engagements

"Told my mates I'd got a ticket for Glastonbury. I pronounced it to rhyme with glass rather than ass. This was in 1996. They've still not forgotten"
X Link @fesshole 2025-10-05T16:25Z 1.1M followers, 389.9K engagements

"I know it would have to be a smaller dose and all but I'd love someone to randomly shoot me with one of the tranquiliser darts that knock out rhinos and lions for hours at a time. I reckon it'd be the first decent kip I'd have in XX years"
X Link @fesshole 2025-10-02T16:25Z 1.1M followers, 118.7K engagements

"Been shagging my boss for two years. We don't even like each other and have no interest in the others life but it makes the work week more interesting"
X Link @fesshole 2025-09-23T17:25Z 1.1M followers, 282.6K engagements

"We're doing a Fesshole LIVE show in Worthing on the 15th. Do come - also available Liverpool and Leeds + trying out an Anon Opin show in that London"
X Link @fesshole 2025-10-07T17:04Z 1.1M followers, 71K engagements

"I keep looking at Rightmove alerts to see what two places my wife and I could each buy if we were to get divorced. Not planning on it but it does provide an extra incentive to stick together"
X Link @fesshole 2025-09-09T15:25Z 1.1M followers, 94.5K engagements

"In primary school we were told to hunt down and draw any insect we had could near home. Took in my drawing and found it was of some sort of parasite insect that meant the farmer lost all his potato crops that had to be destroyed. I'd just copied it from a book. Sorry Farmer"
X Link @fesshole 2025-10-10T09:25Z 1.1M followers, 158.7K engagements

"Five years ago car hire company hit me with a spurious cleaning fee so I've been throwing away the wheel nut lock key of every single one I hire"
X Link @fesshole 2025-10-11T11:25Z 1.1M followers, 162.3K engagements

"Designer here. Company let me go after being bought out by a big American corporate. They still ask me to work on the occasional project which I'm grateful for but I hide a cock n balls in every job. Always makes me smile when I see them in the wild"
X Link @fesshole 2024-09-29T19:25Z 1.1M followers, 228.8K engagements

"Parent in class WhatsApp group sent a panicked message about something his X year old had brought home. They'd googled it & it was apparently toxic. Reader it was a conker"
X Link @fesshole 2025-09-30T19:25Z 1.1M followers, 248.6K engagements

"I clean my Airpods with my kid's toothbrush"
X Link @fesshole 2025-10-07T20:25Z 1.1M followers, 97K engagements

"People are amazed that I get so many Christmas cards. I've actually been saving them for years. If they took the time to read them they'd see duplicates of names and cards from people who are dead"
X Link @fesshole 2025-10-08T11:25Z 1.1M followers, 81.5K engagements

"For years I convinced all three of my children that the rotating doner kebab at all the local takeaway spots was an elephant's leg. Cue a call from my angry teenage daughter years later that her friends had clued her in"
X Link @fesshole 2025-10-04T22:25Z 1.1M followers, 134.7K engagements

"Wedding photographer. When compiling pictures for the album covering the reception I often exclude the rudest guests. One huge woman in a horrendous pink jacket was completely absent from her sister-in-laws wedding album because of this. Groom noticed and actually thanked me"
X Link @fesshole 2025-10-01T21:25Z 1.1M followers, 149.1K engagements

"My neighbours garden was so overgrown with weeds and brambles it was rat infested. Despite complaining he refused to sort it out so I threw a digital alarm right at the back that let off a high pitched beeping every X hours. It forced him to cut the overgrowth away to find it"
X Link @fesshole 2025-10-06T21:25Z 1.1M followers, 134.1K engagements

"A local bakery opposite my office that had been there for many years was closing down to be replaced with a Greggs. I told everyone in work how outraged I was that the big corps are taking over. Secretly I was pleased as the bakery was shit & you can't beat a Greggs sausie roll"
X Link @fesshole 2025-10-01T16:25Z 1.1M followers, 93.7K engagements

"I airbnb my spare rooms. Someone signed into my home speakers in my kitchen. It was rather annoying. I was able to ask Alexa about recent orders which I could repeat order. I felt slightly better by reordering XX dog gates X sacks of litter and XX tubes of lube"
X Link @fesshole 2025-10-14T15:25Z 1.1M followers, 111.1K engagements

"Window cleaner here. Mates ask what I've seen looking through people's windows nudge nudge. Not a thing. People are too aware of a bloke with a ladder in their gardens. What I do see is the utter pigsties some people live in. Incredible. Even the poshest houses"
X Link @fesshole 2025-10-05T20:25Z 1.1M followers, 162.2K engagements

"I like to grow a beard shave it to a goatee then a handlebar moustache then a moustache then a little toothbrush one. The panic that the razor may run out of charge at the end is exhilarating"
X Link @fesshole 2025-10-06T14:25Z 1.1M followers, 86.8K engagements

"My daily challenge is to go on Mail Online find a contentious story and make an inflammatory comment about it to see how many downvotes I can get from the simpletons who read that shitrag. If I have a good day my mailbox overflows with gammons frothing at the mouth in reply"
X Link @fesshole 2025-10-16T08:25Z 1.1M followers, 61.4K engagements

"Slept with a member of a 00s girl band before they were famous. Can't tell anyone as I was and still am with my husband and straight"
X Link @fesshole 2025-10-11T07:25Z 1.1M followers, 341K engagements

"I'm a middle-aged man and frequently end up staring into the middle distance thinking about fuck all. My wife accuses me of eyeing up other women when I'm doing this outdoors which I have not done. I now suspect I have resting pervert face"
X Link @fesshole 2025-10-08T07:25Z 1.1M followers, 107.8K engagements

"I deliberately delayed the release of my album so as not to clash with the recent Taylor Swift release. I only have X listeners on Spotify but you never know. Just takes one to catch fire"
X Link @fesshole 2025-10-12T08:25Z 1.1M followers, 180.8K engagements

"I was far older than I should ever admit when I realised that the man in uniform collecting money in our local high street for the Salvation Army was in no way part of the British armed forces"
X Link @fesshole 2025-09-29T19:25Z 1.1M followers, 110.2K engagements

"When my son was younger I convinced him that flashing the lights at traffic zones makes them change strangely to this day when he's driving he does it but never mentions it. I haven't the heart to tell him it was a lie"
X Link @fesshole 2025-10-13T21:25Z 1.1M followers, 213.8K engagements

"I love my parents but I don't think I can do another ten years of saying "No that's not true. That far right influencer/politician is lying to you again. Here are the facts." They get so frightened by all the lies. It's exhausting"
X Link @fesshole 2025-10-10T18:25Z 1.1M followers, 305.4K engagements

"Years ago in my early 20s an openly gay man asked me if I realised I was gay. 'I'm not' I said but it played on my mind for years and years and long story short he was right. Just took me a decade to realise"
X Link @fesshole 2025-10-12T19:25Z 1.1M followers, 201K engagements

"A few years ago I rented out a room on AirBnB in my flat but I only have one bathroom. One morning after a huge coffee I needed to take an emergency dump but the toilet was occupied. I have two cats so I ran to their litter box in the hallway and took a shit in it"
X Link @fesshole 2025-10-11T19:25Z 1.1M followers, 112.5K engagements

"In an early sysadmin role I'd been asked to make a large change. No-one had told me to use tabs instead of spaces. One quick regexp managed to break the DNS for several million computers. It was fixed within half an hour but that showed me the power of regular expressions"
X Link @fesshole 2025-10-05T19:25Z 1.1M followers, 147.8K engagements

"Used to buy my brothers father & uncles new wallets each Christmas. It's always been a reliable gift for men. But now they all just use their phone to pay. No cards. No cash. I'm sure it's convenient for them but now I have to work out a new standard gift item for male relatives"
X Link @fesshole 2025-09-24T11:25Z 1.1M followers, 145.2K engagements

"When I was XX I went to a holiday Chess camp with everyone playing XX games over X days. I lost XX and drew X. I got a trophy as a "participant". When I got home I told my mum I'd won the tournament and she proudly displayed the trophy. It sat there on the mantelpiece for years"
X Link @fesshole 2025-10-01T09:25Z 1.1M followers, 460.8K engagements

"On cold days I sit on the loo seat with my trousers still up for a couple of minutes to warm it up before I actually go"
X Link @fesshole 2025-10-13T15:25Z 1.1M followers, 93.4K engagements

"Even though I never spoke to them I miss the people who used to be regulars in my gym but one day just disappeared"
X Link @fesshole 2025-10-09T15:25Z 1.1M followers, 85.2K engagements

"Spent a few quid and too much time transferring a sex tape I made with an old girlfriend to digital. Mostly I'm just happy to see myself in a reasonable physical condition and wish I could shown my wife how good I looked before she met me"
X Link @fesshole 2025-10-08T12:25Z 1.1M followers, 119.7K engagements

"Both my cars' tyres had punctures last week and my neighbour too. I suspected sabotage by the crazy lady opposite until I realised I had used my leaf blower to blast old screws from my garage floor down the street. Just saw she has a mobile tyre repair van in her driveway"
X Link @fesshole 2025-10-15T22:25Z 1.1M followers, 77.6K engagements

"I was shocked to accidentally discover that my husband is a fan of "scat" porn. But I pride myself on being a try anything once kind of girl so I agreed to participate. I spent XX minutes completely unable to poo while he watched. Very odd way to discover you're constipated"
X Link @fesshole 2025-10-02T11:25Z 1.1M followers, 216.3K engagements

"The office boardroom has really nice chairs with sort of rubber/leather tubes on each arm. With a bit of persistent twisting those come off with a lovely pop. Facilities complain that a few are now missing. I have X of them at home X in my locker and I don't know how to stop"
X Link @fesshole 2025-10-01T22:25Z 1.1M followers, 103K engagements

"Was heavily into the whole no-branding thing in the 2000s. Never wore clothes with slogans or logos. Eschewed big brands. Bought a dog. Refused to name him. After six months succumbed to peer pressure and called it Ian. Never responded to it. Just came and went as it pleased"
X Link @fesshole 2025-10-15T11:25Z 1.1M followers, 88.6K engagements

"Got on the same train to work as a girl I fancied daily. Got a new job but left early every morning just so I could continue to get on the same train as her. Eventually had the courage to ask her out she said no"
X Link @fesshole 2025-10-02T13:25Z 1.1M followers, 282.4K engagements

"I was sleeping with my mum's end of life carer. We had snuck off when my mum died alone. In some ways I'm riddled with guilt. In others it was my mum that joked about us fancying each other. We are still together. So I feel like it was her plan all along. My last gift from her"
X Link @fesshole 2025-10-10T11:25Z 1.1M followers, 316.2K engagements

"I used to think I was a cool dad until I was watching the news the other day and realised I had the same haircut as thrice-disgraced political hack Peter Mandelson. Have any other ex-cool dads had a similar experience with a fashion/political grifter faux pas"
X Link @fesshole 2025-10-04T16:25Z 1.1M followers, 97.8K engagements

"I hate almost everything about my husband. I hate sex with him. I hate his voice. I hate his hobbies. But I love our house don't want to lose it and can't be bothered with the upheaval. I know it's wrong but I stay because I'm too lazy to leave"
X Link @fesshole 2025-10-01T18:25Z 1.1M followers, 407.4K engagements

"As a middle-aged man I am not sure there is anything more depressing than realising your stock of blue pills is out of date"
X Link @fesshole 2025-10-05T21:25Z 1.1M followers, 151.9K engagements

"To keep my carbon footprint down save money and keep miles off the car I give my work ID badge to a friend who swipes into the office for me and I work from home. Dumb office policy"
X Link @fesshole 2025-10-15T09:25Z 1.1M followers, 97K engagements

"Wife bought me Beats Studio headphones for Xmas. I only wear them when she's about and as soon as she's out of the way I switch to my own which cost a tenner on Amazon as they as comfier and sound better"
X Link @fesshole 2025-10-03T18:25Z 1.1M followers, 111.2K engagements

"My name is Kate but one of my managers at work keeps calling me Kat. I have taken to miaowing every time he does but he is still not taking the hint. Argh"
X Link @fesshole 2025-10-02T21:25Z 1.1M followers, 114.1K engagements

"I found a hidden jar of Nutella in my house. I'm not saying anything because I'm not sure my if wife is hiding it from the kids or if the kids are hiding it from her"
X Link @fesshole 2025-10-13T11:25Z 1.1M followers, 99.5K engagements

"Used to love Iron Maiden. Found out they were my wife's ex boyfriend's favourite band so out of petty spiteful jealousy I've not listened to Iron Maiden in the XX years we've been together"
X Link @fesshole 2025-10-01T20:25Z 1.1M followers, 103.8K engagements

"Was really craving a burger so spoke to the missus and we're going out on Friday. Didn't tell her I got the craving from watching a documentary on the Speedway Burger Chef murders"
X Link @fesshole 2025-10-09T11:25Z 1.1M followers, 82.4K engagements

"I have an important role for a global corp and am lucky enough to WFH. I enjoy the work/life balance apart from one day a week when my wife also gets to WFH meaning I can't have my scheduled 2pm til 3pm 'Internal meeting' where I actually go to bed and have a kip"
X Link @fesshole 2025-10-15T20:25Z 1.1M followers, 96.5K engagements

"In three different companies I had to submit reports to the board on a monthly basis. I started putting in a line that said "if you read this call me and I'll give you XX". I started at XX and went up by XX per month. Nobody ever called nobody ever mentioned it"
X Link @fesshole 2025-10-13T16:25Z 1.1M followers, 190.9K engagements

"Reading 1998. I went with a group of friends including my ex cos we'd bought tickets before the break up. Sunday night after many drinks she offered sex. I turned her down on grounds it could re-open old wounds. Better than admitting I'd shat myself in the queue for the bogs"
X Link @fesshole 2025-10-08T14:25Z 1.1M followers, 131.9K engagements

"A week ago I saw someone eat an orange in the way you'd eat an apple; peel and everything. It disturbed me so much that I've not been able to get it out of my mind. Sharing so you can think about it too"
X Link @fesshole 2025-10-16T10:25Z 1.1M followers, 48.9K engagements

"Work colleague's sister won first prize in Xmas catalogue promo with a X prize she cheated as it's under 16s only & entered behalf of a fictional nephew. I'm 20s small boyish so made me wear authentic school uniform to attend event. Split prize 50/50. Photos on website"
X Link @fesshole 2025-09-29T21:25Z 1.1M followers, 221.2K engagements

"Driving home through the Lincolnshire woods one night I was flagged down by a well dressed man whose Jaguar had become stuck. I towed him and his young assistant free. Later got an check for 2000 and an NDA from a reputation management company. I've no idea who he is"
X Link @fesshole 2025-10-15T13:25Z 1.1M followers, 532.8K engagements

"On the train with my boyfriend to his place decided to titillate him by deep throating a banana I had left over from lunch. Guess it was a bit bruised and overripe broke off in my throat. Bloody well near died before some bloke performed the Heimlich maneuver on me"
X Link @fesshole 2025-10-14T20:25Z 1.1M followers, 110.7K engagements

"Work I marketing department there is a monthly draw of X x XX Amazon vouchers for surveys submitted each month I create three new random emails and I am lucky to win X vouchers every month. Been doing this for thee years"
X Link @fesshole 2025-10-10T22:25Z 1.1M followers, 148.2K engagements

"Bought my daughter new Slazenger trainers but they didn't fit so retuned them to the shop for a refund. Before doing so I drew cocks on all the leaping panther logos on the box. They didn't notice. I'm 45"
X Link @fesshole 2025-09-27T22:25Z 1.1M followers, 120.3K engagements

"To continue an ongoing office cold war between my team and another department I have begun hoarding teaspoons in my office leaving them with a single nasty looking spoon that looks like someone cooked heroin on it"
X Link @fesshole 2025-10-03T11:25Z 1.1M followers, 82.6K engagements

"I'm totally confused about social media and death notices. I see notices for friends and colleagues most months. I'm that age. I've no idea how to respond respectfully. A thumbs up would be horrific. But writing for an ephemeral yet permanent record is so hard. I say nothing"
X Link @fesshole 2025-10-14T16:25Z 1.1M followers, 90.9K engagements

"Years ago as a youth coming home after a party I put my used clothes in the laundry basket. Later in my room I found the "just in case" condom I had had in my pocket with a note "Found this in the washer. Suggest you bin it as it was on a hot cycle. Love Mum""
X Link @fesshole 2025-10-08T16:25Z 1.1M followers, 99.8K engagements

"It's taken me XX years and five ZX Spectrums to complete The Hobbit. Feels like a bigger deal than buying my house or having my family. I kept this quest secret for so long I can only mention it here. Now I'm finally in a comfy tunnel-like hall feeling like I've won at life"
X Link @fesshole 2025-09-23T18:25Z 1.1M followers, 206K engagements

"I'm XX and have just succumbed to my inner teenager by measuring my erect penis using the spaghetti measurer. I'm almost four servings"
X Link @fesshole 2025-10-15T12:25Z 1.1M followers, 146.3K engagements

"Dad used to moan about how I hadn't grown out of Doctor Who. I now get paid to write about it so when I visit him I wear Dalek socks"
X Link @fesshole 2025-10-14T14:25Z 1.1M followers, 148K engagements

"Couple moved in next door. Old bloke lived there before had a beautiful garden. He spent every day in it. New guy ripped out everything & put fake grass in. So I've planted trees next to the boundary that will fill his lawn with dead leaves in the autumn. This one's for you Alf"
X Link @fesshole 2025-10-06T08:25Z 1.1M followers, 988.1K engagements

"Downsized to a smaller house. Found a mouse and one day humanely caught it. He was so cute. I ended up feeding and then freeing him. Now he pops up at least once a day to politely ask for food and he trusts me enough to stroke him too. I named him Jerry of course"
X Link @fesshole 2025-10-06T13:25Z 1.1M followers, 210.5K engagements

"I have come to believe that sandwiches are either a butter or mayo delivery system and that if I am wanting to avoid carbs I can just take a spoon of butter and mayo - or both with whatever else I Was going to eat from cheese to corned beef. Sometimes it's just butter and mayo"
X Link @fesshole 2025-10-08T08:25Z 1.1M followers, 81.2K engagements

"I've been slipping ED pills into my husbands pill box. He thinks it's that multivitamin that's given him a new lease of life but no. It's drugs"
X Link @fesshole 2025-09-26T19:25Z 1.1M followers, 213.2K engagements

"I've discovered a glitch in the Matrix - I keep subscripbing to Paramount on Prime with an expired debit card - it lets me watch it for a day before it realises my card bounced - so I just keep doing it"
X Link @fesshole 2025-09-29T13:25Z 1.1M followers, 237.5K engagements

"Family kept telling me to get my hearing tested. They were all pleased when I got hearing aids. Honestly the only reason I went was to get a 1/3 off my train fairs as they view you as disabled. Commuters don't miss out on this crazy but generous perk"
X Link @fesshole 2025-10-13T10:25Z 1.1M followers, 168K engagements

"Years ago I learned how to use em dashes appropriately and using them in my writing has been a point of personal pride. Oh how the mighty have fallen now everyone thinks I'm using ChatGPT"
X Link @fesshole 2025-09-29T20:25Z 1.1M followers, 122.3K engagements

"I fancy Jimmy Carr and once masturbated to cats does countdown. Got caught by my husband but we both decided to pretend it hadn't happened. We haven't watched it since"
X Link @fesshole 2025-09-15T20:25Z 1.1M followers, 173.2K engagements

"I'm a XX year old straight bloke. I've taken to drinking in my local gay pub because the atmosphere is so much nicer. No screaming kids no football wankers just people having fun & enjoying each other's company"
X Link @fesshole 2025-10-09T18:25Z 1.1M followers, 277.5K engagements

"A bastard burgled my house while I was at work. Saw it all on my home CCTV & called the police. The police caught the burglar because he was having so much fun playing with our Golden Retriever Daisy that he didn't realise the cops had surrounded the place"
X Link @fesshole 2025-10-11T13:25Z 1.1M followers, 244.8K engagements

"Bought a little black wool hat thinking I'd look like Geno era Dexys but realise I look more like Crossroads era Benny; I'm a twat"
X Link @fesshole 2025-09-30T13:25Z 1.1M followers, 82.1K engagements