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@jarvis_best
"Your kid has barely survived her cancer surgery but dont worry as shes loopy and coming out of anesthesia well have a fucking horse making noise for her"
@jarvis_best on X 2025-07-21 03:02:03 UTC 82.5K followers, 7227 engagements
"I already posted this once but I cant get it out of my head. Marvel at this prose. The refusal to go ahead forestalled a step backward" @jarvis_best on X 2025-07-19 16:09:51 UTC 82.5K followers, 8091 engagements
"hahahahahahaha thanks for dressing up Will" @jarvis_best on X 2025-07-10 17:14:39 UTC 82.5K followers, 122.8K engagements
"If they said Trump sent Epstein a glossy picture of a chick with huge tits and had written HEY JACKOFF GET A LOAD OF THESE I might believe it. But not this" @jarvis_best on X 2025-07-17 23:50:42 UTC 82.4K followers, 19.2K engagements
"Oh man this is gonna age me. There used to be an online magazine - sort of like a normal magazine but online - called Slate. You guys remember this" @jarvis_best on X 2025-07-19 04:34:31 UTC 82.5K followers, 3M engagements
"I would never ever cuddle a woman at a concert" @jarvis_best on X 2025-07-17 21:37:21 UTC 82.4K followers, 32.2K engagements
"How do I explain this. The DYNAMICS that were invented in 2016 still dominate everything we do today. - Trump is still doing his bullshit that he invented in 2016. - The media is still doing their 2016 bullshit. - The Biden Senility Coverup was bad sure but it was just a repeat of what the Dems and media thought they could get away with in 2016. Hillary PASSED OUT ON HER FEET on the sidewalk and her aides dragged threw her lifeless corpse into the back of a van -- on video -- and the media said it never happened. We're all in our well-worn roles repeating lines on stage like jaded Broadway" @jarvis_best on X 2025-07-15 19:44:20 UTC 82.4K followers, 33.1K engagements
"You have to be some kind of SICKO to have an AI anime girlfriend. Its fake Its not real Why cant people just be NORMAL and develop a parasocial relationship with a politician theyve never met" @jarvis_best on X 2025-07-15 20:37:11 UTC 82.5K followers, 48K engagements
"If I was a journalist or some other sort of content-based professional I would have accounts on every single platform and I would post my stuff on all of them. That way the maximum number of people would see my stuff. Why dont journalists do this" @jarvis_best on X 2025-07-19 15:08:55 UTC 82.4K followers, 13.3K engagements
"@Pontifex If you still believe in that moon landing nonsense I got a bridge to sell you your honor" @jarvis_best on X 2025-07-20 20:39:22 UTC 82.5K followers, 4657 engagements
"Just found out that Australia has glow in the dark murder-rats and I am going to let it ruin my whole day" @jarvis_best on X 2025-07-21 16:10:17 UTC 82.5K followers, 7745 engagements
"I have decided to actually do it. No more talk. Im going to invade Canada" @jarvis_best on X 2025-07-22 04:11:08 UTC 82.5K followers, 28.7K engagements
"Lots of people asking why you need AI on a vending machine but how many NORMAL vending machines do you know that can pretend to be Hitler" @jarvis_best on X 2025-07-21 18:05:10 UTC 82.5K followers, 26.5K engagements
"Raw milk contains mind expanding bacteria that allow you to see Jewish tricks. No wonder they demand pasteurization. Connect the dots" @jarvis_best on X 2025-07-22 13:38:24 UTC 82.5K followers, 11.8K engagements
"Occurs to me that if it was truly about politics and not economics you wouldnt kill the entire franchise - youd just replace Colbert with a centrist. If it was about economics then the franchise cant be saved by anyone so youd just get rid of it. Which is what they did" @jarvis_best on X 2025-07-19 13:21:22 UTC 82.5K followers, 45.4K engagements
"Pretty sure this Getty photographer captured a murder:" @jarvis_best on X 2025-07-16 20:04:10 UTC 82.5K followers, 30.8K engagements
"Going by my new nickname Summer Long Balls" @jarvis_best on X 2025-07-18 19:28:26 UTC 82.4K followers, 7739 engagements
"My grandpappy always told me that if youre in XX bar fights you might have just met XX assholes but if youre in XX bar fights YOURE the asshole" @jarvis_best on X 2025-07-20 03:33:11 UTC 82.5K followers, 67.4K engagements
"Every NPR story: And heres Special Needs Feminist Reporter Xiao Mei Petrov Fernndez. ::knocking:: "When he first arrived at Oberlin College Mahmoud bin Laden did not expect to encounter discrimination. So when he discovered that there was not a school sponsored affinity group for gay Muslim anime fans with learning disabilities he figured there must have been some mistake." ::car horn::" @jarvis_best on X 2025-07-16 17:21:55 UTC 82.5K followers, 391.1K engagements
"People are underestimating the America Party. Deficit reduction through a combination of tax hikes and spending cuts is going to be very popular" @jarvis_best on X 2025-07-07 14:31:33 UTC 82.4K followers, 415.8K engagements
"If I was a billionaire I would be having so much fun probably relaxing on a private beach somewhere wrist deep in cocktails and top shelf snacks but this is fine too I guess" @jarvis_best on X 2025-07-15 15:30:53 UTC 82.4K followers, 236.7K engagements
"@TheBabylonBee Whats the joke here. Why is this funny. I have an excellent sense of humor but this isnt funny" @jarvis_best on X 2025-07-18 18:34:33 UTC 82.4K followers, 6776 engagements
"If Biden had done this in the debate he would have been reelected. "Oh you're concerned about illegal immigration FUCK YOU."" @jarvis_best on X 2025-07-21 18:19:54 UTC 82.5K followers, 17.8K engagements
"Some genius I cant remember who suggested that every subscription to the NYT come with at least seven rage cancellations where you get to rage cancel and post about it on social media and then after a week the subscription would quietly renew. Its a great idea" @jarvis_best on X 2025-07-21 18:38:08 UTC 82.5K followers, 7442 engagements
"I don't know what's going on here but all of these people should be imprisoned" @jarvis_best on X 2025-07-22 22:22:30 UTC 82.5K followers, 24.6K engagements
"They should give Jay Leno a late night comedy show if he wasn't currently tied up in some mobster's basement being beaten to death" @jarvis_best on X 2025-07-18 15:37:18 UTC 82.4K followers, 11.7K engagements
"I wouldnt need $100M a year to do a talk show. Just me and the boys shooting the breeze cracking wise getting nuts. Man" @jarvis_best on X 2025-07-19 03:33:49 UTC 82.5K followers, 27.6K engagements
"The Coldplay stuff reminded me of perhaps the lamest hookup in the history of live music. I made out with a stranger as Shawn Colvin sang her big hit Sunny Came Home" @jarvis_best on X 2025-07-18 23:43:30 UTC 82.5K followers, 14.8K engagements
"Who would you like to see host The Late Show Ill start" @jarvis_best on X 2025-07-18 13:36:09 UTC 82.5K followers, 20.9K engagements
"I have obtained a copy of the alleged picture that Trump drew for Jeffrey Epstein. It is not for the faint of heart" @jarvis_best on X 2025-07-17 23:01:03 UTC 82.5K followers, 93.3K engagements
"Joel Berry does not hate Catholics thats crazy. Joel Berry hates ME. And probably Presbyterians. But not Catholics" @jarvis_best on X 2025-07-20 02:58:18 UTC 82.5K followers, 11.4K engagements
"I mean he apparently doesn't even know the word "draw." He thinks you "write a picture" lol" @jarvis_best on X 2025-07-18 00:17:39 UTC 82.4K followers, 31.2K engagements
"I don't want to give the boomers ANOTHER tax break but we have to find some humane way to make nana homeless" @jarvis_best on X 2025-07-22 21:31:18 UTC 82.5K followers, 8588 engagements
"Me: Its not about Trump guys Jesus Christ. The problem is fundamentally structural you have more and more identical late night shows chasing a smaller and aging audience. Plus there is no evidence that the Paramount merger had anything to do with it. Trump: HAHAHA ITS ME I DID THIS SHIT AND ILL DO IT AGAIN LMAOOOOOOO" @jarvis_best on X 2025-07-22 16:47:46 UTC 82.5K followers, 222.5K engagements
"Well it finally happened. Ive been fired. For jokes. FOR JOKES. Jesus. Yes some of them were edgy. Some of them had some racial overtones or were sexist or touched on sensitive issues. But apparently such things are inappropriate in a court of law" @jarvis_best on X 2025-07-18 18:47:53 UTC 82.4K followers, 76.3K engagements
"With the boomers deciding to live forever I'm not sure there's any way AROUND doing this. I've had several family members buy big houses when they had young families but then the value of their house increased 10X over the decades (not unheard of in Colorado). So by the time they're empty nesters and would love to downsize their capital gains at XX% would have been ENORMOUS. Capital gains of $1M plus broker fees plus moving fees and maybe you're giving up $250K+ just for the privilege of having a smaller house. As a result the boomers are living in big empty houses while young families can't" @jarvis_best on X 2025-07-22 21:29:07 UTC 82.5K followers, 118.6K engagements
"Its baked in now so everyone is used to it but just from a blank slate standpoint it is a bit odd that there are so many highly partisan agitprop comedy shows on supposedly neutral networks" @jarvis_best on X 2025-07-18 15:16:15 UTC 82.4K followers, 24.5K engagements
"Keith Olbermann the senior statesman the adult in the room the voice of reason" @jarvis_best on X 2025-07-20 04:25:14 UTC 82.5K followers, 490.4K engagements
"Check in with your XX year old white friends today they are getting VERY emotional about Oasis" @jarvis_best on X 2025-07-05 18:25:01 UTC 82.4K followers, 246.2K engagements
"The thing you gotta remember about political types is that they hate each other with the fire of a thousand suns. Us civilians can't even comprehend" @jarvis_best on X 2025-07-21 20:20:01 UTC 82.5K followers, 13.2K engagements
"I respect freedom of speech but the First Amendment was not designed with Stephen Colbert in mind" @jarvis_best on X 2025-07-19 23:56:31 UTC 82.5K followers, 37.7K engagements
"If NPR hadnt hired that gal who was always saying crazy lib stuff like she didnt believe in truth would they have still been defunded" @jarvis_best on X 2025-07-19 02:39:16 UTC 82.5K followers, 23.8K engagements
"Autistic guys hitting on chicks at the bar:" @jarvis_best on X 2025-07-16 00:07:20 UTC 82.4K followers, 152.3K engagements
"this clip is amazing jesus hahahahahahaha" @jarvis_best on X 2025-07-21 17:00:27 UTC 82.5K followers, 21.4K engagements
"The first like XX episodes of The Colbert Report when he was parodying that dipshit OReilly were tremendous and hes been coasting ever since" @jarvis_best on X 2025-07-18 02:09:00 UTC 82.5K followers, 127.9K engagements
"Goodness gracious the Biden Family Swear Jar is going to be overflowing this year" @jarvis_best on X 2025-07-21 16:14:30 UTC 82.5K followers, 13.8K engagements
"Fund NPR you miscreants. Rich people with sophisticated taste like me NEED to listen to jazz and classical without the boorish ads that litter the commoner stations. Can you IMAGINE enjoying the heavenly closing counterpoints of Bach's 17th oregano cantata only to get verbally assaulted by some woman screaming at you to buy a Cheesy Gordita Crunch I would intentionally drive my M3 into a kindergarten" @jarvis_best on X 2025-07-16 17:34:20 UTC 82.5K followers, 113.2K engagements
"I was going to cancel my subscription to the Wall Street Journal but I dont have one so Im gonna throw away my Bloomberg terminal" @jarvis_best on X 2025-07-18 03:34:45 UTC 82.5K followers, 37.1K engagements
"Quick summary of the very helpful replies: X. It's a natural thing that happens as you age. X. You're gay. X. You're trans. X. You're a pussy. X. You're a gay trans pussy. X. Just do drugs like an adult" @jarvis_best on X 2025-07-05 18:05:10 UTC 82.5K followers, 43.3K engagements
"I would have definitely taken the chain off. Taking the chain off would have been at the top of my list when I was in the machine" @jarvis_best on X 2025-07-21 20:30:25 UTC 82.5K followers, 31.6K engagements
"Women claim theyre broke but spend money on coordinating outfits 🙄" @jarvis_best on X 2025-07-20 20:56:50 UTC 82.5K followers, 22K engagements
""No Grok I told you a million times Will Stancil lives in Minnesota"" @jarvis_best on X 2025-07-17 14:50:11 UTC 82.5K followers, 92.4K engagements
"@RepNancyMace @POTUS This is next level queen" @jarvis_best on X 2025-07-19 01:55:22 UTC 82.5K followers, 8642 engagements
"Not to be sexist but we are reaching staggering new levels of girl math" @jarvis_best on X 2025-07-20 15:48:57 UTC 82.5K followers, 11.1K engagements
"Been dealing with some real life nonsense all day whats the latest over here" @jarvis_best on X 2025-07-18 23:19:33 UTC 82.4K followers, 25.6K engagements
"Bought a single lemonade at the zoo. I am never going to financially recover from this" @jarvis_best on X 2025-07-19 23:27:52 UTC 82.5K followers, 19.1K engagements
"A lovely gender but unfortunately not suited for driving" @jarvis_best on X 2025-07-16 19:42:22 UTC 82.4K followers, 223.2K engagements
"2016 was everything. 2016 is the only year that matters. The current year is 2016+9. We are all children of 2016. We must Pokemon Go to the polls" @jarvis_best on X 2025-07-15 19:39:02 UTC 82.5K followers, 824.2K engagements
"I know a lot of people are upset right now but this is tremendous content" @jarvis_best on X 2025-07-18 01:28:59 UTC 82.4K followers, 164.1K engagements
"Now Shopping For: Sandals. These things are PURE SEX. Ladies you see me walking down the street in these bad boys try to refrain from ripping off your shirts" @jarvis_best on X 2025-07-19 18:57:33 UTC 82.5K followers, 77.5K engagements
"The UK speech laws are interesting because you can get VIP tickets to see Kill Whitey at the Nine Eleven Was Good Fest but if your mom posts on Facebook that she doesnt care for lamb curry she is arrested and taken to the town square and executed" @jarvis_best on X 2025-06-30 13:29:16 UTC 82.4K followers, 390.2K engagements
"I like how we've all just assumed without evidence that Trump ordered the firing of Colbert and is probably having him detained and shipped to GITMO right now when in fact Trump has been CRYSTAL clear he isn't going to jail the celebs and journos until his third term" @jarvis_best on X 2025-07-18 17:31:15 UTC 82.4K followers, 24.3K engagements
"You guys are going to love these. I think the message theyre sending is Yes Im a sophisticated and worldly businessman but Im not above the occasional slight DUI. Im very happy with these" @jarvis_best on X 2025-07-20 18:03:45 UTC 82.5K followers, 51.9K engagements
"being a Jesuit priest must be awesome you just shitpost all day" @jarvis_best on X 2025-07-21 22:01:06 UTC 82.5K followers, 23.7K engagements
"If elected I will ACTUALLY release the Epstein Files. If there arent any Epstein Files I will make them up" @jarvis_best on X 2025-07-07 03:45:18 UTC 82.5K followers, 67.8K engagements
"They're trying to SAFETYISM this thing. "Classical music channel loses X% of its funding. Billions to die."" @jarvis_best on X 2025-07-17 16:54:57 UTC 82.4K followers, 24.4K engagements
"Babe wake up new type of walking just dropped" @jarvis_best on X 2025-06-29 14:58:36 UTC 82.4K followers, 45K engagements
"68 No way. Really The average Everyone staying up in the nursing homes to watch Colbert" @jarvis_best on X 2025-07-20 16:50:46 UTC 82.5K followers, 18K engagements
"Is there a youth who can explain to me what this means" @jarvis_best on X 2025-07-11 19:06:28 UTC 82.4K followers, 402.7K engagements
"Theres probably prettier places in the world than Colorado but none are coming to mind" @jarvis_best on X 2025-07-04 20:23:49 UTC 82.4K followers, 87.7K engagements
"Scope out the territory I will someday govern with an iron fist" @jarvis_best on X 2025-07-22 04:14:48 UTC 82.5K followers, 6490 engagements
"My favorite people are slowly but surely returning to Twitter. Nature is healing" @jarvis_best on X 2025-07-20 15:28:01 UTC 82.5K followers, 7275 engagements
"I stumbled across this last night because I realized I hadnt heard anyone mention Slate in any capacity in a long time. Go to their account here @slate. They have 1.5M followers they post their articles all day and each article has X likes. How is that possible. Graveyard" @jarvis_best on X 2025-07-19 13:40:41 UTC 82.4K followers, 12.5K engagements
"Instead of releasing the Epstein Files how about we release the Tiger King" @jarvis_best on X 2025-07-13 13:34:48 UTC 82.5K followers, 58.8K engagements
"@katrosenfield The zeitgeist left me for a younger woman" @jarvis_best on X 2025-07-20 13:52:15 UTC 82.4K followers, 1055 engagements
"I was not aware of that. Jesus what are we even doing here" @jarvis_best on X 2025-07-22 21:36:09 UTC 82.5K followers, 14.1K engagements
""In America you are constantly terrorized by homosexual robot cowboys."" @jarvis_best on X 2025-07-17 14:46:54 UTC 82.4K followers, 24.8K engagements
"Out of curiosity I asked Grok to rank the states by net internal migration since Gavin Newsom became governor on January X 2019. This is what it said:" @jarvis_best on X 2025-07-16 22:55:24 UTC 82.5K followers, 78.6K engagements
"I've been out of the loop lately but is there any evidence at all that Colbert was fired so that Trump wouldn't oppose the CBS merger Leaks Threats Anything" @jarvis_best on X 2025-07-19 02:32:36 UTC 82.4K followers, 15.3K engagements
"Its so obvious. Connect the fucking dots anon" @jarvis_best on X 2025-07-22 13:35:27 UTC 82.5K followers, 14.7K engagements
"Colbert was kept afloat by grants from USAID so this is no surprise" @jarvis_best on X 2025-07-18 01:07:36 UTC 82.5K followers, 367.8K engagements
"Your nana is having the f word screamed at her XXX times a night" @jarvis_best on X 2025-07-22 15:03:08 UTC 82.5K followers, 84.8K engagements
"@NancyMace Looking amazing queen and I will support you no matter what" @jarvis_best on X 2025-07-21 00:47:21 UTC 82.4K followers, 1417 engagements
"Spit out my Jewish Mind Control Milk when I read this" @jarvis_best on X 2025-07-22 13:34:08 UTC 82.5K followers, 68.6K engagements
"Alright. Look. Who knows. But . . . writing a script of an imaginary commercial or something with a voice over and use of these words many of which have more than one syllable . . . doesn't really sound like him" @jarvis_best on X 2025-07-17 23:49:44 UTC 82.4K followers, 68.1K engagements
"I'm fiscally Twitter but socially Bluesky" @jarvis_best on X 2025-07-16 22:01:32 UTC 82.4K followers, 11.7K engagements
"Getting hammered and watching Cunk. Again. Shes so perfect" @jarvis_best on X 2025-07-18 03:12:02 UTC 82.4K followers, 14.8K engagements
"New life goal: preserve will to live long enough until robot maids are a thing" @jarvis_best on X 2025-07-19 15:41:47 UTC 82.4K followers, 9529 engagements